Sunday, February 22, 2009

My dream deferred

It's going to be a long night tonight. I am tired, but wound up, going through emotions like punches coming from left right and centre.

I was angry. It went downhill from there.

Now I am just tired. I am tired of an existence that is becoming ritualistic. How may permutations can there be in this isolation? I know I have plans, a mission, but I am entitled to falling from such graceful ambition, if only periodically.

I feel pent up. Like a pressure cooker with a tight lid an weight on too tight. No steam escapes. The pressure builds.

I am roughly $700 short of funds to get my camera. With all my research, I didn't realise I was looking on the wrong lens. I also forgot to factor in the cost of getting from this 7mile long island ($170) to the one with the international airport. My budget was already tight, down to the last cent. I have to ship them within the US and fly there and pick them up myself or pay $1400 in import duties to ship directly here. I was also looking forward to christening the camera in Harlem and DC. I needed to see my cousins and their babies -who are no longer babies- who I have never seen. I needed the break. A change of scenery. The continued motion. The notion that I was on a plane taking me the fuck out of here, even for a short time.

Yet another dream deferred. One more month is a helluva long wait after 10 years. You may say "its no big deal since [I ] have already waited so long." Tell that to a mother in labour.

The distance. The wait for camera and a passionate embrace. All too much for one 5'6" woman in this moment.

I don't want to wait.I cried when I realised that I will have to wait until the end of April as opposed to March. I can't explain the disappointment. Sheer and complete agony. So many delays. So many restrictions. So much smalling up of me. And all for too long. Something has got to give.

Sigh.

5 comments:

The Cloudcutter said...

It's frustrating when things don't go as planned. I wish you didn't have to go through this...I really do.

Sheer Almshouse said...

Me too. Thanks for your empathy.

Azikiwe said...

...your suffering cannot be forever....go out early in the morning and watch,meet and embrace the sunrise and affirm that you are the GREATEST on Earth !

Sheer Almshouse said...

hmmmn... maybe I should put on ESC's T Ali Tshirt that says "Greatest of All Time."

Azikiwe said...

Yes ! ..the gospel according to NIKE -"JUST Do IT ! "

;-)

 
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