Thursday, July 30, 2009

Pitter Patter

There is nothing that compares to the sound of raindrops on a metal roof. It is the music of nature... heralding peace and contentment. This is why Jamaicans are notorious for wanting to stay in when it's raining-or as we are more likely to say, "when rain falling." We also generally prefer not to be wet so that may factor some in the mix. Not to mention the sweetness of the Jamaican man who knows how to hold his woman close to him in bed for a round of morning glory. I swear that just like how Trinidad and Tobago has a baby boom 9months following carnival, Jamaica has a boom after the rainy season (which unfortunately is getting a little helter skelter due to global warming).

But rain is still a really spectacular feature of nature, complete with it's own sound, smell and aura.

The next time it rains where you are, take some time to just allow it's peace to wash over you. In the meantime, listen to this song by Jamaican folk singer, Ernie Smith, appropriately titled "Pitter Patter."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Spanish Guitar by Toni Braxton



The video sucks. Close your eyes and listen. Here are the lyrics...

A smoky room a small café
They come to hear you play
And drink and dance the night away
I sit out in the crowd
And close my eyes
Dream youre mine
But you dont know
You dont even know that I am there

I wish that I was in your arms
Like that spanish guitar
And you would play me through the night
till the dawn
I wish youd hold me in your arms
Like that spanish guitar
All night long all night long
Id be your song Id be your song

Steal my heart with every note you play
I pray youll look my way
And hold me to your heart someday
I long to be the one that you caress with tenderness
And you dont know
You dont even know that I exist

I wish that I was in your arms
Like that spanish guitar
And you would play me through the night
till the dawn
I wish youd hold me in your arms
Like that spanish guitar
All night long all night long
Id be your song Id be your song

Te sientas entre la gente
Cierras tu ojos
Y suenas que soy tuyo
Pero yo no siquiera se que estas ahi
Me gustaria tenerte entre mis brazos amor

I sit out in the crowd
And close my eyes
Dream youre mine
And you dont know
You dont even know that I exist

I wish that I was in your arms
Like that spanish guitar
And you would play me through the night
till the dawn
I wish youd hold me in your arms
Like that spanish guitar
All night long all night long
Id be your song Id be your song

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Circle of Life

I have been bemoaning the fact that I have only had moments of peace and sheer bliss since I have been home. I now know why it seems that way.

Before I left Jamaica, I would retreat to Imelda's in Montego Bay regularly... so much so that I eventually began spending as much time or even more there than in Kingston, where I maintained formal residence. Mo Bay was a retreat... I found peace there that had eluded me in the "busy-ness" of the nation's capital.

Having spent the greater part of the week in different "country" settings across three parishes(St. James, Trelawny and St. Elizabeth), I finally figured out what it is that I had found in Mo Bay." I love Mo Bay.. but only when Imelda is there :) Mo Bay without Imelda is like the Caribbean without sunshine... and no I am not pandering... is di truth. And we dont have to be doing anything or going anywhere really to enjoy wisself. A just so the thing set (that is just how it goes).

But by far, the most enlightening arm of the cross country trip was my return to my father's Northern, hilly Trelawny farm, which I hadn't set foot on in 15 years after having only visited once. There is a HUGE difference between the perspective of a 14 year old and a 29 year old. I woke up in complete peace, not seeing any property but ours in a visual radius. The cock started crowing at 7:00am but I was long up by then, because curtains are not needed in such a remote setting and daylight had spilled in through the windows over an hour before.

I want to go back for a few days and feed the goats and cows and pigs and tend to the bees. I remember the fun holidays in the country that I had as a child and the weekend trips to the farm in St. Mary with Daddy as an only child in the back of the VW Bug. Now, in Trelawny, we practically have our own church and surrounding houses and warm neighbours proving ample opportunity for great photo ops. If I could have my cake and eat it, that is exactly where my wedding photos would be taken. It isn't impossible though... esp since photography is an art that I inherited from my dad. I wouldn't even have to pay :)

I have said for years that I am a city girl witha country heart. I guess the country element is growing more and more as I get older.

Friday, July 17, 2009

What lies beneath

I tell you, it is hard to look into the mirror and see the amount of damage that has been done to my body in just one year. The mental and spiritual stress affected my body in the worst way. My body seems to have aged leap years. Stretch marks are in places they have never been, cellulite in proportions greater than the cottage cheese content in Imelda's backup lasagna recipe, and eczema presenting varying shades of discolouration, dryness and severe itching to the point where I cut myself scratching to soothe the irritation. But you wouldn't believe the biggest challenge in the whole reflection episode: loving the woman in the mirror, no matter how disappointing the reflection.

This is the eve of my last Twentysomething year. Surely I have gained some body image insights in the years I have thrashed through the whole complicated issue. And no matter how annoyed I am now that the scale had not budged after intense dance classes this week, I still have lots to love. What do I love about my big fat, spotty, lumpy, stretched marked self?

1. I love the fact that I never stop trying. I never really give up...yes I may kind of zone out for a while and "let myself go" but I never let it happen indefinitely.

2. I love my eagerness to try new things, and to put my body through physical challenges like modern, african, belly dance, and yoga and pilates. I also want to try Tai Chi and some martial arts later on.

3. I love my sense of adventure. I like being outdoors and discovering new places, and being one with nature.

4.I actually like to be active and prefer to work in an active environment like broadcast production and photography, which require a tremendous amount of stamina and physsical fitness especially when location shoots come into play.

5. I love that I can make myself eat things that taste awful simply because they are good for me. I can and do excercise control over what I feed my body (as long as I am not in one of those zoned out modes).

6. I love the fact that I can go from smoking between 10-20 cigarattes per DAY and buying them by the carton, to coming home with less than two pack (not cartons) and not buying any cigarettes since I have come home. I have bummed two single fags since 2 Sundays ago.

7. I love the fact that I try to be real with me. I have my shortcomings and I am not afraid of doing the dirty work of facing them head on in the battle over my soul.

8. I love the fact that a shopping spree is no longer something that brings me happiness. I spend money on things that add significant value to my life. I no longer have credit cards and I plan to keep it that way for as long as I can.

9. I love my refusal to apologize for my presence. I occupy space, fat or skinny and I make no apologies for that. Yes the mirror image under harsh light may be a little daunting but there is a whole lot more of me to love than stretch marks, eczema and cellulite can interfere with. I am a woman, whose body changes through the different phases of life to which I learn to adapt and grow towards. I learn more about me in the tough times anyway...and that is when I have to really do resistance and circuit training of the mind, body and spirit. Guess what happens as a result? I get stronger and build endurance.

10. I love the fact that I have picked a man who loves me for all the goodness that lies within because as he often says "all beauties fade."

In spite of all the topical and superficial things we are blasted with by the media and their sponsors telling us that we have to look and dress a certain way to be happy, the truth is that all that is what it is-surface. Just like the stretch marks and the eczema. The real stuff that we are made of lies beneath. When we are balanced, grounded and centred, it all shines through.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Be anxious for nothing

I have not had a moment's rest since I have been home. Yes I have slept, and yes it is good to be here, but somehow, it seems like I have only had sporadic doses of peace.

I know that something is up in the spiritual realm... because these battles are too regular to be coincidental. I don't believe in coincidence anyway, I believe in purpose and divine order.

So what could be divine about having my grandmother's drunken neighbour crash into the passenger door of Imelda's one year old car which was parked on her driveway and completely off the road? And what could be divine about my two youngest siblings struggling through school even though they are both far from dumb? And what on earth could be divine about a cell phone going missing in minutes this morning all because I woke up to no water and rushed to get a shower at ESC mom's house before dance class?

The irony is that I came home just so I could have a simple, uncomplicated period before my biggest step ever and I have come smack dab into more seemingly ordered chaos.

There is a lesson in here somewhere, and that I am certain of... but is it too much to ask for a break from lessons? Can't I just get a summer holiday? Can't I just bee free to just enjoy my very limited time here?

And it certainly doesnt help that my mind keeps re-playing all this stuff and I am just on edge as it relates to the damage on the car, the missing cell phone, the siblings in distress and yadda yadda yadda.

I am going to have to quote scripture to myself again. To my restless spirit:

"Be anxious for nothing but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving make your requests known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"


I have been a worry wart ever since I was little... it's time to give up that trait. Something's GOTTA give.

A Simple Life

Oh for a simple life! I cant find my borrowed cell phone that I just put plenty minutes on :( to make some overseas calls.

I hope it turns up later.

I am heading back to Montego Bay tomorrow and will be there for the weekend. I will be back in Kingston on sun evening. I have another two weeks of dance classes until the end of the month. I will get a ride to classes with my cousin in the mornings and will have to make my way home by bus.

I just want to be back in a regular and predictable routine. I am begging for routine... hmmmn I am really getting old.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Missing My Man

It has been six months since I saw Easy Skanking Chef. Actually, six months and four days to be specific. How do I feel about that? It's hard. Really hard. Really, really, really hard. But somehow, with the grace of God, we have managed to survive the time and the distance.

I guess, it was not surprising to us that we would find a way- we are the answers to each other's prayers. We are not perfect, we are human, and subject to the trials of humanity which will come, but we are in this together.

Jamaica Farewell

by Harry Belafonte

Down the way
Where the nights are gay
And the sun shines daily on a mountain top
I took a trip on a sailing ship
And when I reached Jamaica I made a stop

(chorus)
But I'm sad to say I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down
My head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston Town

Sounds of laughter everywhere
And a dancing girl swings to and fro
I must declare my heart is there
Though I've been Maine to Mexico

(chorus)
But I'm sad to say I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down
My head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston Town

Down at the market you can hear
Ladies cry out while on their heads they bear
Ackee rice, salt fish are nice
And the rum is fine any time a year

(chorus)
But I'm sad to say I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down
My head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston Town

I love my country but something has shifted inside me. I don't think I want to come back home without ESC again. I am also not feeling coming back next year as much as we planned to. I feel I need to be in a place that is bigger than me and this is not it. Am I happy to be home? I am relieved to have left the Island Behind God's Back. But even the word "home" sounds pitchy when said out loud in the context of my reality. I have no "home" here. I just 'kotch.' I gave up that freedom/responsibility when I decided to leave the country.

I haven't forgotten why I left. Many of the reasons are still here.

I don't want to come back for a at least two years- not even for a visit. I just want to be away for a while. I hope that one day my own country will again be "home" but until then, I will continue to feel like the leader of a one woman nomadic tribe- just passing through.

Derek Walcotts' Love After Love

I posted this poem first on September 14, 2007, but felt moved to re-post now. Love After Love is a most beautiful and surreal poem. Walcott is the Caribbean's own Nobel Laureate (St. Lucia).

by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Life and Love

I was avoiding the bandwagon because it seemed everyone had jumped on it and there was no space left. But alas, here is yet another story using the deceased king of pop to score points with fellow bandwagonists. Fun and joke aside, it is not the story of Michael Jackson, nor is it yet another sensationalised ending to a less than happy life, it is just an observation of deeply we seem to mourn those whom we never bothered to show love while they were alive.

It's easier to grieve openly over the loss of a loved one than to spend the time to cultivate that relationship and allow yourself to be used to bless that person's life and vice versa. After all, who is up for the self analysis, selflessness and growth it takes to reach out and touch other people's lives?

What is love anyway? How many of us who we claim to love are we really guilty of loving?

The other side of the lake

I started a dance camp on Monday (yesterday) and it has been challenging me to the umph degree. Its 3 hrs Mon-Fri... and it is serious work!

That mirror wall does not lie. I don't know how I got this badly out of shape, but I certainly don't like it. I am trying really hard not to be too tough on myself. As much as I have lost all of 8lbs in my first two weeks home, and look to lose another 17, I know it is hard work. It's just that when reality kicks in, it kicks in, and I just want to get my old body back. But, having said that, I am giving myself permission to enjoy dance class and to go through all the headwork it takes to grapple with the state I have found myself in.

Easy Skanking Chef is proud that I am dancing again... and is encouraging me to find a dance class in Dubai so that I can continue.

I wish I could write more, because I certainly could use the creative release, but I just cannot seem to be able to.

The grass is not always greener on the other side of the lake.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Sheer Almshouse on a mission....

I went to visit my soon to be mother in law and she gave me a healthy dinner of calalloo and corn with boiled whole wheat dumpling, green banana and yam. Yum! Healthy and delicious! She also gave me a Julie Mango from her tree-YUM! I saw all my brothers in law and ESC's 2yo only niece. We played and had a jolly good time.

and..... drumrolll please....

I lost 8 lbs since I came home!! Remember I came Thur June 25, 2009 so that is less than two weeks ago!

I am so ecstatic! I can see the difference in my body already!

I need to do Si6more but right now, I wont kill myself. I am getting a little bored so I have decided to actively make decisions to be more active generally.

I may even climb to Blue Mountain Peak (highest point in Jamaica and home of the best coffee in the world) for my 29th birthday.

Life is good!
 
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