The unbroken circle

These past few weeks since my arrival in Dubai have been somewhat of a crescendo in my life experience. There is a whole lot going on... and in moments like these I tend to be quiet. I have to be quiet because I know God is speaking to me.

I can't say that He speaks in a baritone or a husky English accent or even that He uses the language of Rastafari because I cannot honestly say that I know what His voice sounds like. But I don't limit his ability to communicate with me just through voice anymore. It's being led to read a passage in the bible that is applicable to what you are going through, it's seeing the way ESC looks at me, it is experiencing the fruits of a wholesome, healthy love on a daily basis, it's the small job opportunities that are aligned to where I am and where I want to go; it's leaving home and heading further than I have ever been and knowing deep in my heart that my home is anywhere ESC is; it's realising that for all the good things I see manifest on a daily basis, it is the hand of God that makes it possible.

When I tell people of the good news of our engagement and nuptials, they seem to say in accord "You deserve it." But I don't. There are more "deserving" people walking hungry in the streets. It is by grace that my blessings are given. It is with great humility that I receive.

I know, and have known perhaps forever that I am destined for greatness. Greatness is as you define it. I am realising that the greatest thing of all is to be content in whatever circumstances because "The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need." It is a humbling existence, yes, just sitting back and allowing God to be God rather than running around like a headless chicken profiling as the "in-charge" of my life. My mantra is "Let God be God." Simple but effective.

Simplicity is blissful. Truly. I am certain that I wont always have so much time to myself, but I am reveling in it now. ESC works long hours and that gives me space to do what I need to do.

I have grown. Immensely. I can recognize it. There was a time when the only time I truly acknowledged the power and grace of God was during the bad times. Now the good times are just as humbling. It means that He has sufficiently broken and moulded me to the point where I fall in thanksgiving at the sight of a blessing. I don't believe in luck. Luck is for those who do not believe in anything bigger than themselves. I don't believe in randomness. I believe in order-divine at that. And my life, as haphazard as it may seem at times, is ordered.

I see how things connect. Every conversation, every encounter, every thing I feast my eyes on, everything I listen to, every experience I have had, and even everything I do.

ESC asked me for a facial at 3am this morning and as soon as I touched his face, he began to doze off. When I was through, he hugged me and said "Thank you."

"That's what I am here for," I replied.

And it is.

I am here to love and support and challenge and encourage and give and receive. I am a vessel. My life is not my own. My dreams are a mere fragment of my purpose.

We have decided to be on a sexual fast fast in these two weeks leading up to our wedding- a lesson in restraint, but I felt deeply convicted for us to be prostrate before God alone during this time leading up to such a huge milestone in our journey. It is about us asserting that God is the centre of this union and without Him, we would not have been here, and we cannot make it. It is about seeking his continued blessings for our spiritual, physical, emotional and financial health. It is about praying for the blessings of our unborn children. It is about us individually and collectively aligning ourselves to His will.

This is the biggest step we have both made in our lives and there are lots of emotions that come with such change. This is our time to be still and know who is God, and to let His divine order take up permanent providence in the way we live our lives together.

I have learned a lot about love from ESC. In many ways, he has re-written my book of expectations. My standards we lowered and he raised them up by treating me like his queen. I feel like royalty. I am royalty. Daughter of the Most High... and queen to my earthly king.

All of this makes me humble because I can remember countless nights and days of bawling my heart out to God praying for Him to send me someone who truly loved me in a godly way. Someone to be there for me. A life partner that knew Him and was thirsty for Him.

These were my prayers from over 10 years ago. I have had my heart broken several times since because I was busy doing it on my own and looking for love in the wrong places. A girl gets hurt that way.

I am not saying that I have been a saint-by no means have I- and therein anchors my point. None of this is deserving. I am not getting any of this peace, and joy and spiritual green pasture because of something I did...it's all by grace.

There are two people in my life whom I would have loved to be here with me to experience just how much their baby has grown up- Aunty Bev and my mother's youngest sister, Cover who was more a big sis than an aunt. Both died of cancer. One when I was 11 and the other when I was 24. I know that they have been here with me all the time though, and helping me to fight my battles in the spirit.

I know ESC also wishes his father could be here. He died before he really got a chance to know him after he left his wife with 5 children. I know that ESC wants to draw on his own father's strengths and build on his weaknesses. I know that he will be a better husband and father than his own because he knows what not to do.

I thank God that I have a father who has been a brilliant example even though it hasn't been easy to have a child as fierce as me:). He never gave up on me. And my mother who has made her fair share of mistakes but who has proven to me in so many ways that there is absolutely nothing like a mother's love. For Imelda for being my surrogate... some bonds do not have to be biological to be powerful. And to Rootical Flava who has been there from day 1, through the highs and the crashes and still answers her phone in the middle of the night. I would have had a nervous breakdown or two in my life if God didn't place you all in my life.

I know that the struggles will come. They are part and parcel of the process, but as I have learned form Muslims since I have come, when things are going bad or good, I will "Look up and say 'Thank God.' "

A dose of almost married life

I woke up this morning to the most awful smell of a digestive system in crisis. It literally woke me up. I got online and asked Imelda exactly what tea purifies noxious emissions.

"Welcome to married life," said she.

She suggested ginger, cinnamon and cloves. I haven't got cloves yet but I have the previous two.

The funny thing is that as a result, I end up having the most beautiful natural perfume in the home (and tea to cleanse ESC). My fave used to be mixed spice and ginger with orange peel for when I had company, but i think just the cinnamon and ginger will do... especially since it also makes a delicious tea!

This may be too much info for the faint of heart... but hey... I am only just being real. That said, I still love him anyway. And you know what? Everyday he loves just a little bit more. I can feel it. It oozes out of him.

We are blessed. And favoured. Highly.

The morning after the night before

Thank you all for all the love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't ever do mush here but thought I would post that pic for you ;)

After a late morning, vigorous frolicking, shopping, chatting, planning and a 2hour grocery spree... I am exhausted. It's past midnight and Mr. Mention has gone biking to return to cook. We are having a friend over. This is a city that truly never sleeps :)

I realise that housework has got to be done everyday. Don't ask me how come I have just made that discovery at 29 years of age. Living with no man for all but one of my adult years meant that domestic duties would be done when the mood hit or when company was expected. Sharing a small space with someone means that there are things that must be done everyday. He helps, but due to his really awful hours, I try to leave very little up to him. But there are things that are assigned to him, off course. This is the 21st century, not the middle ages. I do not do floors and I do not do toilets. I will sweep floors and disinfect toilets but bowl cleaning is not my cup of tea. He is also the designated "ironer." He takes out the trash but that is just an unspoken agreement. I do everything else and then on top of that, look pretty.

But I do fancy taking care of him. And I am trying to balance taking care of me in the process. The funny thing is that where I slack off on the latter, he intervenes. Kari is not drinking enough water in the desert- Kari's water is always poured. Kari wont make salads but needs to eat greens until a juicer can be bought- Kari's salads are made. Kari didn't feel like cooking dinner only for herself so hasn't eaten- Kari's dinner is cooked at 1am. Don't worry, I usually don't get into bed before 4.

We went grocery shopping together this evening. I must admit that it is one of the simple pleasures of finally being with ESC long term. He knows what fish is fresh and to grab the fruits from the back... that frees me up to do other things. Plus, there is nothing nicer than having a manly man to carry the bags. Of course I offer to take the lighter ones.

We wanted to go to a movie but decided on two bottles of wine instead. We are down to a very strict budget. We went heavy on the grocery shopping because it will be the last big shopping for the next two months. The only things we will get from here on are fruits and veggies and the odd ingredient for a particular recipe. We do have a wedding-though modest-to save for.

There are so many costs associated with my arrival from everything like internet and new mobile service to getting cotton wool and alcohol. Don't men need alcohol and cotton wool? In addition to that, there is the fact that we needed to pay hefty fees for the wedding ceremony and the registration of the marriage. We also have to budget for the filing of my spousal visa thereafter. So yes, money tight- very. But our cupboards and hearts are full.

I got new running shoes tonight and proper walking slippers. Imelda, I settled for a muted bronzish metallic Birkenstock. I walk to the mall a lot and I needed sensible sandals instead of pretty(which is all I previously owned). I also got new cushioned running shoes because I need to get back to working out and they were RIDICULOUSLY cheap. Roughly USD$35. But that is the only steal I have found because things are REALLY expensive here. Azikiwe, I finally got New Balance... and you were right.. all of these years. Can't believe it took me 10 years to even try one on! No they are not as cute as my previous fave Adidas Adiprene but they are absolutely fantastic for comfort! Am I learning a lesson here?

Anyway.. I might as well be comfortable for now because you damn sure I wearing heels on my wedding day. Speaking of which... let me jump off and start my event spreadsheet. It may be small but the event planner in me just cant leave it up to chance.