Thursday, October 01, 2009

The unbroken circle

These past few weeks since my arrival in Dubai have been somewhat of a crescendo in my life experience. There is a whole lot going on... and in moments like these I tend to be quiet. I have to be quiet because I know God is speaking to me.

I can't say that He speaks in a baritone or a husky English accent or even that He uses the language of Rastafari because I cannot honestly say that I know what His voice sounds like. But I don't limit his ability to communicate with me just through voice anymore. It's being led to read a passage in the bible that is applicable to what you are going through, it's seeing the way ESC looks at me, it is experiencing the fruits of a wholesome, healthy love on a daily basis, it's the small job opportunities that are aligned to where I am and where I want to go; it's leaving home and heading further than I have ever been and knowing deep in my heart that my home is anywhere ESC is; it's realising that for all the good things I see manifest on a daily basis, it is the hand of God that makes it possible.

When I tell people of the good news of our engagement and nuptials, they seem to say in accord "You deserve it." But I don't. There are more "deserving" people walking hungry in the streets. It is by grace that my blessings are given. It is with great humility that I receive.

I know, and have known perhaps forever that I am destined for greatness. Greatness is as you define it. I am realising that the greatest thing of all is to be content in whatever circumstances because "The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need." It is a humbling existence, yes, just sitting back and allowing God to be God rather than running around like a headless chicken profiling as the "in-charge" of my life. My mantra is "Let God be God." Simple but effective.

Simplicity is blissful. Truly. I am certain that I wont always have so much time to myself, but I am reveling in it now. ESC works long hours and that gives me space to do what I need to do.

I have grown. Immensely. I can recognize it. There was a time when the only time I truly acknowledged the power and grace of God was during the bad times. Now the good times are just as humbling. It means that He has sufficiently broken and moulded me to the point where I fall in thanksgiving at the sight of a blessing. I don't believe in luck. Luck is for those who do not believe in anything bigger than themselves. I don't believe in randomness. I believe in order-divine at that. And my life, as haphazard as it may seem at times, is ordered.

I see how things connect. Every conversation, every encounter, every thing I feast my eyes on, everything I listen to, every experience I have had, and even everything I do.

ESC asked me for a facial at 3am this morning and as soon as I touched his face, he began to doze off. When I was through, he hugged me and said "Thank you."

"That's what I am here for," I replied.

And it is.

I am here to love and support and challenge and encourage and give and receive. I am a vessel. My life is not my own. My dreams are a mere fragment of my purpose.

We have decided to be on a sexual fast fast in these two weeks leading up to our wedding- a lesson in restraint, but I felt deeply convicted for us to be prostrate before God alone during this time leading up to such a huge milestone in our journey. It is about us asserting that God is the centre of this union and without Him, we would not have been here, and we cannot make it. It is about seeking his continued blessings for our spiritual, physical, emotional and financial health. It is about praying for the blessings of our unborn children. It is about us individually and collectively aligning ourselves to His will.

This is the biggest step we have both made in our lives and there are lots of emotions that come with such change. This is our time to be still and know who is God, and to let His divine order take up permanent providence in the way we live our lives together.

I have learned a lot about love from ESC. In many ways, he has re-written my book of expectations. My standards we lowered and he raised them up by treating me like his queen. I feel like royalty. I am royalty. Daughter of the Most High... and queen to my earthly king.

All of this makes me humble because I can remember countless nights and days of bawling my heart out to God praying for Him to send me someone who truly loved me in a godly way. Someone to be there for me. A life partner that knew Him and was thirsty for Him.

These were my prayers from over 10 years ago. I have had my heart broken several times since because I was busy doing it on my own and looking for love in the wrong places. A girl gets hurt that way.

I am not saying that I have been a saint-by no means have I- and therein anchors my point. None of this is deserving. I am not getting any of this peace, and joy and spiritual green pasture because of something I's all by grace.

There are two people in my life whom I would have loved to be here with me to experience just how much their baby has grown up- Aunty Bev and my mother's youngest sister, Cover who was more a big sis than an aunt. Both died of cancer. One when I was 11 and the other when I was 24. I know that they have been here with me all the time though, and helping me to fight my battles in the spirit.

I know ESC also wishes his father could be here. He died before he really got a chance to know him after he left his wife with 5 children. I know that ESC wants to draw on his own father's strengths and build on his weaknesses. I know that he will be a better husband and father than his own because he knows what not to do.

I thank God that I have a father who has been a brilliant example even though it hasn't been easy to have a child as fierce as me:). He never gave up on me. And my mother who has made her fair share of mistakes but who has proven to me in so many ways that there is absolutely nothing like a mother's love. For Imelda for being my surrogate... some bonds do not have to be biological to be powerful. And to Rootical Flava who has been there from day 1, through the highs and the crashes and still answers her phone in the middle of the night. I would have had a nervous breakdown or two in my life if God didn't place you all in my life.

I know that the struggles will come. They are part and parcel of the process, but as I have learned form Muslims since I have come, when things are going bad or good, I will "Look up and say 'Thank God.' "


Azikiwe said...

I won't even try to get between you & this "god", thats your personal thing & everyone deserves to have full & total right to the "illusion" that drives them as long as it doesn't hurt their neighbour ... but give yourself plenty credit, you grew up,you decided what you must have to make you happy & you played and continue to play the cards to achieve you required destiny...

Z said...

Not following immediate impulses knowing that it will be worth it to wait, appreciating the good and accepting the bad, trusting enough to let go with faith, living in the moment with appreciation - most people I know who are able to do that give God the credit, not themselves. Simple humility, while believing in your own self-worth and doing all you can for others ... whether or not you believe in God, if you do what Jesus said - Love God, love your neighbour as you do yourself - there is no better pattern for life.

Azikiwe said...

...i sense a "misunderstanding" but i do overstand your point Z...

Copyright 2009 TwentySomething+ Monologue. Powered by Blogger Blogger Templates create by Deluxe Templates. WP by Masterplan