The Big Picture

I am lying in bed with a mountain of tissues piling up. I am on my second box of 150 facial tissues. I have been sick since the first week of school. Apparently this is newbie kindergarten territory. As an asthmatic, it is even more distressful. But I am rolling with the punches. I am trying to keep focused on getting the job I want and pursue my call to happiness.

I didn't sign a contract and I didn't commit for the entire year... I only accepted the offer for a few months. I don't get any benefits from the job and the pay is very very modest so it actually costs us almost my entire paycheck for me to work there. I knew I would not be able to accept for a year with good conscience.

I am grateful to be out of the house and to be getting around more, getting to know this country better. I am also grateful that it gave us the impetus to get a car and for me to get certified to drive here (especially after the fiasco of losing my driver's licences from Jamaica and The Island Behind God's Back earlier this year when my wallet was stolen in the supermarket. Even with them, by law, I am required to take lessons and do signal, parking and road tests but now, I have to take twice as many lessons (because I have no valid DL to present ).

By tomorrow, I would have completed 12 of 40 lessons needed to get my driver's licence here. I should complete 16 this week and the remainder should be completed by next week. Therefore by week after next, I should be the holder of a valid UAE Driver's licence.

In the meantime, ESC takes me to work in the mornings and I make my way home. This last bit is also problematic because this means a lot of hot and cold going from intense desert heat to extremely cold buildings and public transport (taxis, metro, bus). It takes me 2 cabs, a bus and a train to go home and often there is walking in between. I live VERY far from work.

I no longer have the energy to exercise (being sick all the time) and I don't eat as well as before because I am so exhausted. Of course neither augur well for me to increase my resistance to the cold & flu magnet that is kindergarten. On Thurs 6 kids were out sick from my class. So I am feeling worn down like crazy. I haven't had the flu in years until now!

I am trying my hardest to not lose sight of my major life goals in the middle of all this daily mix-up.

I am realizing how easy it is to be side-tracked in your own life, putting aside what you really want for what you already have. I dont wan tto live my life like that. I want to reach every impossible dream and climb every freaking mountain my heart can desire. I don't want to be relegated to mediocrity. I dont want work just because it's work. I want work that is love made visible. So, as of now, I am going to try to channel out the chatter of the dream cutters and just hone in on my authentic self and the truest desires of my heart.

My Goals
I will get a job for which I am better suited but I will make peace with this one for the very short duration for which I will have it.
I will be re-admitted to finally hand in my thesis.
I will complete an excellent thesis.
I will start a food blog.
I will complete two TV Show Treatments and Pilots.
I will exhibit my photography internationally and make prints available for sale.
I will maintain my independent, personal space, hopes and dreams even while being committed to sharing my life with my partner.
I will get into my best shape (mind, body, spirit)
I will get back into Television (Broadcasting & Producing)
I will work on multimedia cooking/food ventures with my hubby
I will own a successful multimedia empire
I will direct a feature film at some point in my career.
I will get a full scholarship to attend Tisch at NYU for my MFA in Film
I will have or be working on completing my Phd at 60
I will travel and document the world as I see it in photographs, writing, and filmmaking
I will have a successful, long and happy marriage
I will buy a home for my mother
I will have homes in at least 2 countries
I will invest social capital in my country and any community in which I live
The world will be a better place because I was here and I did my part

One Moment in Time: My ThirtySomething Prayer

Pic of me in a burqa/ abaya in the Grand Mosque, Abu Dhabi, 2010

This is my song and prayer for the decade I am about to enter. I find it prayerful... the lyrics fraught with the agony of anticipation. This is the decade that I really hone in on my destiny and purpose. This is the decade where my life takes on greater meaning in my community and profession. I am on the brink. Something really good is going to happen to me. Something so big that God had to dig trenches inside me to deal with the overflow. I have been prepared for my moment. I stand, quiet, humble, ready.

One Moment in Time
written by Albert Hammond and John Bettis
recorded by Whitney Houston

Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I'm only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown

I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free
I will be
I will be free


I was eight years old when this song was recorded. "It was written for and appears on the album 1988 Summer Olympics Album: One Moment in Time. The track is an anthem for believing in yourself against all odds". -Wikepedia

It is still as relevant to me now at this juncture in my life as it was when I was eight years old and watching others chasing their dreams and racing with their destiny. Now, it is simply my time.

The trailing spouse: this woman's story

My cousin asked very poignant questions about the possibility of me packing up and moving again to follow ESC and where in all that would I find a place for my own dreams. I answered her comment directly but I am posting parts of it here because I thought others may be wondering the same thing.

I am living my own dream, even if it is while trailing his. Fact: I love to travel. Fact: I dream about living all over. Fact: He is more likely, based on his own career choice to be the one who will easily get work.

We decided before we got married that we would spend several years living the expatriate life, soaking up the experiences and then eventually settle down when we had children who were ready for school.

I made a choice to come over on his visa because the other choice was him on mine since the jobs that he was interested in nearby me had dried up due to recession. I decided that I didn't want to start off a marriage with an emasculated man and since he was willing to give it all up to come and be with me, I decided not to let him and come instead.

There are a million zillion things and dreams I have and marriage doesn't stop me from reaching them. In fact, my marriage is the conduit for a lot of them.

We are BOTH making sacrifices for the first three (or so ) years of our union that will have a HUGE impact on our lives later on.

Fact: His hours are RIDICULOUSLY long. Longer than even those in the same industry in the Caribbean. Fact, the quicker he gets higher, the more time we will have together.

Fact: His next appointment is seeking to place me also so I will have my own work even in the midst of him rising. It makes sense for me to transition into the industry to ensure long term job placement as his trailing spouse.

Fact: Even when he reaches Exec Chef, he will have really long hours, it would be wise to ensure that I have a chance to work part-time so that I can satisfy my desire to work part-time when we have children because the two of us cannot be hard hitting at our careers and raise a balanced family.

Fact: Even if he reaches Exec Chef and I decided that I wanted to head back full force into the game- switching Mom jeans for a smart business suit- after being sick of trailing him he would be willing to put his career on hold for me and mind the chilrun.

Fact: Two of us cannot give the same output at the same time due to the nature of our careers and expect anything but a failed relationship.

Make average great

The Journey through the countryside, Jamaica.

I have been watching a lot of Oprah... isn't that what houswives do? In fact, I watch a lot of TV generally. It helps to pass the hours between rising and falling and breaks the monotony of cleaning and cooking. I could also add ironing to list but I guess it's safe to say that hell is more likely to freeze over. But then again... I am a housewife so hell may already be an ice skating rink. Anyway, back to Oprah. I watched an old espisode yesterday about people's first jobs. Suzie Orman was featured along with Oprah, Kirstie Allen and Martina McBride and Orman said something that struck a chord with me: " When you make average great, your dreams can become a reality." Profound huh? Made me think long and hard. So I'ma take my best shot at being the best at what I do and all that I do. I may just be down to being wife, housewife and occasional photographer and afro hair stylist now, but I can really do each task to the best of my abilities and derive profound joys out of simple tasks.

I have been cycling for the past two days on ESC's bike. I have to readjust the seat because I am a tad shorter than he is but that is just fine by me. After all, it is waaaay more scenic and lots easier to ride on properly paved roads and cobbled sidewalks than it was to navigate the loose marl on the Island Behind God's Back. Not even a mountain bike could help.

Last night I rode to the supermarket and back. I had to pic up some blank CDs to present final proof of photo shoot to client and a toothbrush for ESC. I had used his to get rid of bubble gum off his jeans (I told you I was taking this housewife thing seriously). I also picked up a mouse to relieve the pressure in my hand when using the computer.

For some strange reason, I have been remembering a LOT of things from childhood and adulthood. It's weird. It seems that my brain finally has had a chance to relax and so all these forgotten memories are rising into my consciousness. What is really great about it is that they are mostly good memories and I am even remembering feelings about particular events, places, people and circumstances. I am also remembering my childhood dreams.

One of the things that hit me just yesterday was that I got my first production assistant summer job because I dressed up in my best fitting black jeans, boots and jeans jacket, combed my hair nicely and marched to CPTC to see Mr. Wycliff Bennett without an appointment. I told him that having begun presenting CPTC's Rappin', the teen TV show, I wanted to get a better feel of the entire production process and he gave me the job on the spot. HR found out about me a week or two later and was kinda upset but by the time I was about to leave, Mrs. Dujon got enough reviews about me to ask me to stay on. It was the same for getting into journalism school. I never cared about protocol. I just went and presented myself and I never failed that way.

Turns out that at 16, I knew better than to leave my future up to yet another letter in a huge pile. I knew I could be more commanding in person at the beginning of an executive's day than I would after letter number 63. So why on earth am I sending out all these job applications now? Television is a visual medium. People have to see you, and engage with you to feel you and they have to feel you to hire you. The letter only accompany's you on the morning that you make your unannounced visit.

I am realizing that this time at home is teaching me invaluable lessons about myself and helping me to tackle some core issues. I think that somehow, the confident 16 yo has lost some of her confidence along the way. A little dulling here and there and a little smalling up here and there to make room for those who are not so confident to not feel threatened by me and also to make people like me. Maybe maturity calls for some level of reticence but I have also restricted my own personality in the process.

I think deep down, I am not ready for a job yet. I think I need a few more months to sort through all these things that are now coming to me and to get centred and to find my footing. Something huge is about to happen to me. I can feel it. I am about to come into my own. But something tells me that I have to be still and find my peace before my dreams become my reality.

Namaste.

The past that haunts

I dreamed about him again. The one who shattered my heart into a million pieces- damage that has taken days, weeks, months, years of surgery, psycho and physio therapy to regain a semblance of normalcy. But like a survivor or trauma, I have flashbacks that deeply unnerve me. They happen in my dreams.

It's easy to be collected when conscious, but it is in the realm of the unconscious that I seem to unravel.

It was a pure love. A true love. One that desired nothing but validation. But how can one be validated by another who cannot validate himself?

His words seem to haunt me like a curse: "No matter where you are, whether you are married, I will find you." The selfish bastard who could not see beyond himself. I have let him go in tangible ways. I made him take me to the airport when I first migrated from Jamaica. I knew it was our final goodbye. He was the major reason why I wanted so badly to leave my country and settled for the Island Behind God's Back. We do not speak. I have nothing to say. I have asked him not to make any contact. But still... he haunts like a curse.

I am over him. I certainly don't want him back. I just haven't been able to forget. I am not certain that is such a bad thing. It's just fucking annoying.

This photog's dream

I dream of my photos framed and hung on walls in a museum with art critics and regular people like me being so inspired that they reach for their purses and wallets to buy into my limited edition prints.

I dream of traveling exhibitions worldwide, showcasing the best of what my father has handed down to me... photography, smarts, and the drive to make it happen via entrepreneurship.

I dream of cookbooks with ESC, merging our talents and interests that serve as bonding rituals for us and transfers to other people when they buy them and cook with them.

I dream of a TV show... taking my producer cap off the shelf and using my marketing skills to get sponsors.

I dream of being my own master, using my time and talent to my financial gain without the overseer's whip looming over my back.

You know the funny thing?

I dont really feel like I am dreaming at all... I am merely envisioning what is to and will come.

Black is the colour of my true love's hair

...
After a weekend of R&R (sans the romance), I have come home with a burgeoning ache for just that.

Not hot passionate sex, but lovemaking of the kind that you can only share with a true love.

I vividly remember the emotion, the tremendous sense of satiety, peace, fear, passion, and intense desire all wrapped up into one continuous emotion. I could dream then... about a future... about the plural concepts of us and we together. About a small and intimate country wedding, children running wild, dogs, huge vegetable gardens and growing old together on rocking chairs on a lovely countryside verandah. I saw the vision clearly- the fights, the misgivings, the rifts and the bridges that would always help us find our way back to each other- our love and our children.

These moments scare me.

But they shouldn't -at least I know my childish enthusiasm is still alive and I am still open to dreaming my most intimate dreams. Love is the dream of the young and foolish and the old and lonely- the most siginificant contribution to a meaningful existence.

Yet my love is out there... hanging bright like a star in the night...just waiting to lead me home.

I'm ready when you are.


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