Biting off less

I have decided to pace myself as it regards taking on projects and making additional commitments. I think that while I re-adjust to my weight loss efforts, I should factor in time for myself to make meals, exercise, renew my mind, nourish my spirit and rest.

There is truth to the expression that one has "stopped taking care of oneself" or letting oneself go" in relation to being out of shape. People who have issues with weight often struggle with putting themselves first amidst other competing priorities.

I am now on a mission to build my life around my personal needs as opposed to trying to fit my personal needs into my life.

My lifestyle is one of health, fitness and balance and everything I do will resonate this. I will be able to make a very good income from the things that bring me happiness. My work will bring me immense joy and will positively affect the lives of others.

Whatever is not aligned to that mission, has no place in my life.

I will be happy with my circumstances and I will be at peace with my lot.

I will take the time to nourish myself so that when I share myself through work and interpersonal relationships, I will be sharing the best of me.

I will do my workout routine daily, as well as a 30 minute walk to increase my level of activity. I will make healthy meals for myself and monitor my food intake daily. I will pack my meals with the same care as I would for my child.

I will put myself first.

I choose to believe in myself and the power I have within me.

I will let my light shine.

Finding balance; the Daily Om

Earthbound
The Pursuit of Conscious Wholeness

Striking the right balance between our physical and spiritual aspects is oneof the most challenging aspects of existence. We are dual beings by nature,spiritual entities bound to earth by physical bodies. In our lifetimes, we are charged with the duty of nurturing and tending both with equal devotion and love. Yet while both aspects of the self are deserving of honor and respect, there is a tendency for people who are more spiritually focused to ignore, avoid, or dismiss their bodies. Similarly, many individuals are entirely ensconced in the carnal realm and pay no attention to the needs of the soul. In both cases, an adjustment is in order. We are whole only to the degree that we embrace both sides of our beings.

If the soul is the inward manifestation of our consciousness, the body is the living, breathing expression of that consciousness. The physical self provides the home in which the spiritual self takes root and flourishes. Just as we must tend to the seed of the soul to ensure that it grows strong, so, too, must we care for the protective shell that is the body to make certain it is capable of playing its role in our development. Though there will no doubt be times in our lives when we feel more comfortable focusing on the spiritual self or the physical self, denying the fundamental importance of one or the other can lead to ill health, emotional distress, and a sense of incompleteness. Both facets of the human experience play a vital role in our well-being.

The body and the soul are the yin and yang of our current reality. They are, at this point of human evolution, irreparably bound together, and many spiritual teachers agree that the body is one of the greatest vehicles through which to access the soul. In fact, many believe that our spirit has chosen to be embodied as an essential part of our spiritual development.

Consequently, it is the responsibility of each person on the planet to forge a marriage between the two, so that these disparate aspects bring out the best in each other, creating a vibrant, dynamic, and workable whole.

Refocusing and finding centre...yet again

It has come to that again... the point when paradigms shift and I am forced to evaluate where I am, how I got here, where I want to go and what route will take me there.

It's bigger than just being a newlywedded expat wife still trying to come to grips with a whole mass of change in a very short period. Or maybe that is all there is. Who knows? Whatever it is, it is what it is. A crossroad. A crossword. A puzzle.

I find myself torn among a few things within
-The struggle to find ways to make each day count when little is being achieved on the Over Achiever Scale of 1 to Infinite

-The fact that I have successfully used up all the savings that were to last me for a six month period within two months of my arrival

-The grim reality of just how daunting the life of being a chef's wife when you are sitting at home waiting for 15-18hrs for him to come home so that you can try to quickly run through all the things you wanted to talk about and get him in bed within an hour or two so that he can sleep for a few hours and begin a new day just like the day before and work that way without days off for one month straight or more during peak seasons which last for months at a time. A run-on for a long wait.

-Feeling so desperate to redefine an individual identity without the channels usually within reach

-Applying for jobs from here to Cairo, just to find something to do that pays, even though deep down, I am not sure that just having a job that pays will give me the meaning and satisfaction that I truly crave. I am aware that desperation forces saints into prostitution and though I am no judge, I am pretty sure that my limited experiences in this life have taught me that not all jobs are for me. Re-enter the square peg round hole debate.

-Trying to find meaning to my existence- a higher calling more fulfilling than paid labour- the work of volunteerism- realising though it costs more than time to volunteer.

But I need to. I need to be a part of something bigger than myself. To find a little corner in the host of problems rife in the world and sit with my sewing needle and start to sew my contribution to the quilt. Somehow, I feel that once I make that inner connection to my heart's work, I will find the very same channels not only to express my contribution to mankind, but to receive the bounty of fulfilment and the very means of survival that God intended.

The whole point in me packing up my life and moving across the atlantic was to find an opportunity to do things differently in a way that brings sustainable joy as opposed to fleeting happiness. I must admit though that it is hard to reconcile that with having little means and finding myself in a subset of aloneness in a much larger pond. But larger ponds provide more square footage to grow beyond anything that a Small Island Mentality could offer.

Am I creating for myself my own version of Small Mindedness or am I rising to the occasion to be a part of something bigger than myself?

I have a very supportive, though absent husband, who is my champion supporter.

I have already sent out more job applications in the past few months than the total numbers in my entire life. So now, I am sending out a new call to the universe.

I am calling for work that brings me joy, that makes a difference in a life other than my own, that allows me to manifest my Gibran philosophy that "work is love made visible." I know that the money will come. I don't know how, but I know that it will. I am sending out the call to attract good people, solid people who I can be a blessing to and who can be a blessing to me. I am sending out the call for a GPS mapping of how to get to that place where I ought to go. I am sending out the call to be healthy, mentally, physically and spiritually and attract circumstances and encounters that are on the same plane.

I am not sure what I will do. I am not sure where this train network leads. I just know that I will get off at all the right stops.

My life, though small shall be meaningful, present, and fully accounted for.

Full stop. Comma, comma, dash dash.

I am reaaaaaaaaally trying to relax now. I mean, REALLY. I have to lower my expectations even further where work is concerned. Had an online chat with someone who has done work here.

me:
most days I am fine and then you have these vile meetings called on short notice and you realise that the undercurrent is that people have been gossiping and discussing you in your absence instead of holding fucking regular management meetings

All Rounder:
Well yes, that's why the country is in the shape it is. Everything gets started on impulse, and then nothing gets follow up. because if they did, it would all be out there

All Rounder: :
And yes, gossip IS the one and only real strong national sport. You just need to have a look at the rags that pass for newspapers there to see just how deeply ingrained that is within that culture. So even though on the surface it may look like just another English Caribbean country, you've got to make drastic adaptations to survive there. PM As far as I can see and tell, the only thing that appears to work on the long term is to develop a very thick skin, and simply learn NOT to give a shit about much that is not your own survival and gratification.

me:
thought i did so but when these things happen, I realise that I have to keep on adjusting and they are also a bunch of liars...duplicitous by nature

All Rounder:
Yes, that's be consistent with what I've just told you: it's everyone's own survival and gratification.So you've got to learn to understand that game, even if you don't wish to play it. Of course they're going to make all sorts of unreasonable demands of you - as long as you keep trying to meet them. What are they going to do if you stop jumping at everything they request - fire you?
1. Big deal
2. They won't do it, coz then they won't have anyone to do the dirty work for them.
3. Big deal

Relax. Go to the beach. Mix the other foreigners and make friends. Have some fun!

As for work, do what you can, and don't worry about what you can't do.

Balancing act

It is becoming increasingly difficult to balance my life where day job, entrepreneurial endeavours, finding a new day job, professional association board responsibilities, and completing my thesis are concerned. Notice I haven't even mentioned any element of a personal life, which ideally involves 6 days of intense excercise, 3 days of dance classes, daily mild yoga practice which intenfies into a scenic outdoor weekend practiced, some quality uncluttered time to write and photograph, "beat breaks" to the country or traveling overseas, curling up with fantastic books, evenings sipping good wine and listening to eclectic music, stimulating conversation, and leisure domesticated duties such as making house and cooking and entertaining.

My life is a cacophony of too much activity. I seem to like it that way. Lie. I love it that way. I thrive on adrenaline. I push hard and work hard but cannot seem to strecth the hours and energy to play hard.

That's where this balancing act comes in. My personal life suffers. Mind you, I am not talking in the limited scope of a relationship but rather in the general manner of nurturing ME. This is not to say that a relationship is not on my list of things personal. its just that at this point, I dont have one "up in my face," for want of a much better phrase.

My mind is too cluttered to facilitate peaceful slumber and I am at my wits end doing a job for which my passion has long expired. I am unhappy with it and it is taking a huge toll on me psychologically.

I am one of those people who has simply got to do what she loves. I cannot be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and I cannot have a job simply for the sake of having a pay cheque at the end of the month. This state I am now in is quite like being forced to be in a relationship by external forces such as duress. I know all too well that quitting before I secure another is far from sagacious- a lesson learned twice over. It took me two times to get this shy.

So where does this bring me? To a level of anxiety that makes me very uncomfortable. I have a second interview tomorrow and I have a nervous stomach. At this point, all my eggs are on this new opportunity, I met them once and now they want to see me twice. I guess they like somethings about me, but they like somethings about somebody else too because now we are shortlisted to two.

I know that I should be anxious for nothing. But right now, that is easier said than done. In fact, I find that I am anxious about all the things in my life that I care about, and that's not so good is it? On one hand, it appears that there is a lack of centredness and faith which propels this fear, but on the other hand, as I know in show business, if you aint nervous, be scared. If the cameras start rolling and there isn't a wee bit of fluttering in your stomach, something is wrong and you are pretty much guaranteed a poor performance. Nervous energy as I was taught, is just additional energy that you just have to channel elsewhere so that you can really shine. Hmmmn.. maybe its the same coin then.

Writing is sooooooooooo important to me. It seems like the more I write, the clearer I get, and the more I discover about myself.

Having said all that, I still need to find a way to make all this work and not only work but harmonise. Too much dissonance nuh good. I cannot focus only on my career. As much as it brings me tremendous satisfaction, my work cannot be my only joy. There are other things that bring me happiness, and the more I find time for them, the greater the spread of happiness and the more content I will be.

Balance. Simple, yet profound to the overwhelmingly workaholic.

Will I therefore just shut down this computer and go to bed, or will I find time to sort out some paper work for my business and maybe throw in a chapter of reading for my thesis? Hmmmn.. I dont feel like sleeping anyway.

Compromise. An important word in relationships (especially the one with your cluttered self missy). I will spend half hour finalising paper work and then do 45mins of a dance routine on dvd. If i feel invigorated and not woedfully tired afterward, I will read that book to put me to sleep.


Hmmm.... I like this. Feeling better already.




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