One Moment in Time: My ThirtySomething Prayer

Pic of me in a burqa/ abaya in the Grand Mosque, Abu Dhabi, 2010

This is my song and prayer for the decade I am about to enter. I find it prayerful... the lyrics fraught with the agony of anticipation. This is the decade that I really hone in on my destiny and purpose. This is the decade where my life takes on greater meaning in my community and profession. I am on the brink. Something really good is going to happen to me. Something so big that God had to dig trenches inside me to deal with the overflow. I have been prepared for my moment. I stand, quiet, humble, ready.

One Moment in Time
written by Albert Hammond and John Bettis
recorded by Whitney Houston

Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I'm only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown

I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free
I will be
I will be free


I was eight years old when this song was recorded. "It was written for and appears on the album 1988 Summer Olympics Album: One Moment in Time. The track is an anthem for believing in yourself against all odds". -Wikepedia

It is still as relevant to me now at this juncture in my life as it was when I was eight years old and watching others chasing their dreams and racing with their destiny. Now, it is simply my time.

A day without rain

I think it safe to say that for the very first time in my life, I am striking balance. I feel like a tree, swaying to the rhythm of the breeze, yet firmly rooted in the earth.

It has taken more than a little effort to find peace in the midst of such immense change.

I am happy. I have found joy in the little details of life that we often take for granted when we are too busy to pause and see them. I find that my connection to others is deeper than ever, and I truly feel other people's joys and share their pain in depths I never thought possible.

I have also found sincere peace in solitude and stillness. I no longer need external stimulation to pass moments. I even shy away from company when the energy isn't right.

I trust my spirit and my intuition.

I trust people when they show me who they really are.

I have been spending my days feeding my body well. It is thanking me for it. I no longer have stomach problems, depression is a thing of the past, and even my eczema is keeping its ass quiet. My body is slowly morphing back into a shape I can identify with and I am eager to find out as much as I can about fitness and nutrition. I read as much as a college student but my voracious appetite is fueled by a hunger for knowledge as opposed to good grades.

God has been good to me. He really does take care of His own.

I never knew that marriage would be the very thing that grounded me but I guess wonderful things happen when you begin to walk in alignment.

I now know that I can truly find peace anywhere.

Where I am now- fitness and re-balancing

1. In the last 18 days, I have lost 3 inches off my waist
2. In the last 7 days, I have lost 3lbs!!! ( I was at a plateau for over a month and just resumed losing again).
3. I have gone from 15% towards my physical goals to 38%
4. I have undergone a spiritual metamorphosis over the past 3 months... finding my centre and my Source
5. I have gotten stronger mentally... overcoming addictions that gripped me for years.
6. I got a job this week
7. So did my hubby in a new country
8. Hubby has lost 6lbs and some good inches himself.
9. I am enjoying how tasty my diet is and ESC is doing a better job cooking for me because he doesn't see any "culinary blasphemy" like skimmed milk in the fridge. !!

The importance of setting attainable goals. What is your Mission Statement?

The main reason why I can look back and see some measure of success in my life is because I have written down things I wanted to accomplish and have ticked them off one by one. Up until recently, the list was longer. Do this, get that, reach there, grab that. Now, it's just about taking the steps, one at a time, to realize my most authentic and optimal self by bringing mind, body and spirit into balance. Can I tell you? That is a helluva goal on its own and it needs no company. I am also visualizing it. I see it in my meditation practice, picture it before I fall asleep at night, and repeat the affirmations, even for all to see on my bathroom mirror. I, Sheer Almshouse, have one singular goal in a world of clutter, multi-tasking and multiple births.

Looking on the goal as written above... it's more of a Mission Statement as opposed to a singular goal. It is the benchmark by which all efforts are measured and directed to reach.

I realise that we cannot focus on things in isolation. "Buying the house" may mean holding on to a toxic job. "Getting married" may mean accepting the proposal of a controlling spouse and just like how we cannot just spot reduce weight off our tummies alone, we cannot avoid the whole.

I am figuring out that once you focus on fine-tuning your personal big picture, "then all these things shall be added until you."

Que Sera Sera is the antithesis of Carpe Diem

I have gone about my entire life siezing every blasted day... you know the metaphors- holding bulls by horns and taming dragons. It seemed like the most active, purposeful way to live. Isn't it what we tell our children? Sieze the day! Time waits on no man! Strive! Run until your heart bursts in your chest, then run some more! Aim higher, be better. More is better. Bigger is better. Louder is better. I managed to do well in the broadcast and marketing communication field with that innate fair for grandeur and the cultivation desire for seizing the heck out of days, and jobs.

Then a funny thing happened- nothing.

Without a job, I could either spend my entire days in pursuit of one (which I did for months everytime I panicked) or I could just sit, be quiet, and listen.

Hmmn. Doesn't jump at you as an active and purposeful way to live does it? You remember the "Pick your battles" anecdote? Apply it here.

I learned that once I was focused on just finding my centre and grounding mysel, I didn't have to worry about the noise that cluttered my mind. I could swim through it and find my moment of peace in it. Once I was fixed, I could walk on water. Everytime I panicked, I sent out a resume. When I am fixed, I realise I am happy, and that my life is fuller than ever before and that even though I may have a lot less, I have so much more. When I am fixed, I accept that my life and every step in it is ordered and that I will eventually reach every landmark in the journey that I was meant to... including work. Once I am fixed, I don't worry about defining myself solely by my work, but my ability to renew, change and transform, reaching higher levels of glory. Once I am fixed, getting a job for the money, influence or power is far less appealing that spending time to cultivate the being who will attract work that changes people for the better and provides harmonious relationships.

I know that may sound awfully kooky but I guess that is what we think of people and things we don't understand. Call me whatever you wish. I just know that I am moments away from a huge breakthrough in my life and I am going to pay attention to make certain that I don't miss it. I can feel it. It's a living breathing thing. It's this huge energy source of enlightenment. My life's work is just about to begin. I am gold, raw and filled with impurities. I just have to go through the fire to be purified.

"Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire
Is to be holy, set apart for you Lord
Ready to do Your will
Ready to do Your will"

I am not in control. The only thing I can control is the moment I have now and what I choose to do with it.

I choose not to panic. I choose not to be anxious. I choose not to be erratic. I choose to be silent. I choose to listen.

I accept

That I am building strength but am far from being strong
That it is hard to not be able to do the things that were once easy
That it takes courage to stick to something that is difficult and doest yield quick results
That some days I fall off but I never stay off anymore
That it is OK to be a little overwhelmed every now and then
That everyday is not the same
That some days I can climb mountains and others I can just walk a mile.
That I will get reach my destination one mindful choice at a time
That anything good is hard to come by
And that anything worth keeping must be fought for.
Today and everyday is the day of salvation
I will save myself.

A time for everything under the sun

I think I have been honing the reclusive elements of my personality. Maybe something just had to give. I am always the life of the party, so maybe hermitage is my spirit's call to quietude and stillness.

I don't know how to "reach out" to people who aren't "my people-" as in friend, family, combolu. I can however take comfort in merely being around people, watching them interact with each other and getting every baby who looks at me to smile and even coo.

Imelda tells me that there is a time for everything, and that pulling away to find yourself is a part of life.

I am happy that ESC and I are such good friends. His company keeps me balanced.

I am not going to fall into a dim depression though... I will pray, sweat and sculpt my head above water.

i am closer to a breakthrough than I think.

The show must go on

Last night I looked at some pictures of me taken over the weekend right after watching The Biggest Loser. Talk about motivation!!!!! I did a resistance workout with Beachbody's Chalene Johnson with her Turbo Jam routine. I also got a cheap yoga mat and meditated afterwards. ESC came home and did the 1hr kickboxing routine while I tried to get to sleep to get up early for a free yoga class on the football field in my complex. I woke up tired... saying to ESC "I have a really long journey in front of me... it won't happen overnight." To my surprise, still groggy, he replied "And I will be with you every step of the way." I see that my cousin Celia has also said the same thing... for your support, I give thanks. I don't at all feel sorry for myself... I accept where I am right now and that this whole experience is making me a better person.

We all have our own versions of Waterloo in our lives, and if we are up to it, we face many different Battles of Waterloo during our lifespan. Facing such a battle more than once means that we have managed to survive the previous encounter, which was tough enough to be to Napoleon's undoing.

I am taking baby steps this time. Making small goals. I ate a bowl of ESC's deliciously tasty and healthy chicken soup before heading out to an Easter Brunch with the buffet from hell and it was worth it. I arrived without feeling very hungry and was able to taste the items before putting them on my plate, making certain that I took moderate servings of only those things that were tasty and moderately healthier (you can never be sure in a buffet). I also had only about 1/6 of my regular dessert helping. But by far the best thing ever, is that I was healthy enough to drag ESC into the living room and by example, declare the space the dance floor. We danced up a storm! I didn't even remember my toe injury and I breathed my way through every cigarette craving.

I have also decided to spend MUCH less time online and watching TV. These are really mindless activities that dont stimulate me enough physically and only help to keep my metabolic rate on the slow end.

I have been meditating a lot lately. I have also been visualizing also. Not to mention affirming.

Life is behaviour (Today's inspiration from Tony Horton)

Originally published on his Tony Horton Blogspot:

I have learned from my own experiences (filled with the usual trials and tribulations) that life has stages. These stages can occur in any and all aspects of life. Physical, spiritual, psychological, financial, romantic, adventurous, familial, and so on. As you look back at your life (so far), you can see where you've excelled and where you've come up short.

Most people only focus on two or three of the above categories their whole lives. Other areas of life are neglected because of lack of interest or desire or necessity. The truth is that most men (and many more women these days) spend a substantial amount of their time working to keep a roof over their head, food on the table, and money in their pocket. Many homemakers (male and female) spend a majority of their time keeping the hatches battened down.

So if life feels like an endless episode of Survivor, then how the hell do we focus on what I call the "Bliss Maker" areas of life—the romantic, spiritual/psychological, physical, purposeful, and adventurous? The three key ingredients for finding bliss in these areas of life are TIME, ENERGY, and the REASON why. If you live in a 9-to-5 world and feel overwhelmed, then it's going to be pretty tough to find the time, energy, and reason to find your true bliss.

The average person can find temporary bliss in food, alcohol, drugs, tall tales, and sex. This kind of short-term bliss will take away health, consciousness, rationality, discretion, accountability, and responsibility. Along with distorting values and a sense of morality.

If you're lucky enough to finally discover that there is more to life than making a buck, feeding your face, getting off, and manipulating reality, you'll start to inquire about how to find your bliss. Then you'll have to begin to find the TIME, ENERGY, and REASON.

Time isn't that difficult really. You look at your schedule, move some stuff around, explain to people what you're doing, and figure out a reasonable TIME frame in which to accomplish your goals. ENERGY is a piece of cake! You can master that every time you decide to Push Play! Doing Power 90® or any other kind of physical activity will automatically propel you into one of the most important "Bliss Maker" categories. The REASON why is probably the most difficult and complicated variable when it comes to long-term success and bliss.

To pursue your bliss by means of dishonesty, manipulation, coercion, or the need to seek grandeur will backfire worse than any short-term pleasure ever will. If your spiritual pursuits create a "holier than thou" attitude, then all your learned dogma will fall on deaf ears. If you exercise hard and long just to look hot at your high school reunion, then talk to me the next day when the show is over. If you start looking for adventure for the sole purpose of acquiring trophies, will you still enjoy it if you fail?

If you ever chase any of these areas of life for the REASON or PURPOSE of looking for attention, accolades, and kudos from others, then you are doomed to a life of confrontation, depression, confusion, illusion, and delusion. I never said that pursuing your bliss was easy. That's why most people who try . . . fail.

You can avoid failure by pursuing your bliss with clarity, wisdom, acceptance, vulnerability, patience, consciousness, and truth. These "words" in both the selfish and selflessness ilk represent your intention. Your intention is everything and the only thing that matters when it comes to the right use of will.

I believe that real lifelong change and bliss are achieved over the course of three very separate stages:

Recognition. Knowing and understanding that there must be a shift in the way you approach certain segments of your life and an undaunted willingness to want to make a change.
Catharsis.The period of time you spend venting, releasing, and unleashing the emotions that keep you from your bliss.
Application. The employment and utilization of the tools you've learned through the cathartic stage.
If you can move through these three stages with the right intentions, then you will know what it's like to live on this Earth in a state of bliss.

Peace,
Tony H.

Why did I get fat?

1. Because I ate all those calories...
2. Because I didn't burn them off..
3. Because I knew how to burn the excess when I was good and ready
4. Because somewhere along the way, I just stopped really looking in the mirror
5. Because I used food for comforting a multitude of sins and distresses (going out for drinks to de-stress after work instead of hitting the gym.
6. Because everytime I got back into shape, I stopped doing what I needed to do to stay there
7. Because age and high metabolism was on my side and I didn't change when they became my arch enemies
8. Because I have been lazy and I keep on putting it off
9. Because smoking reduced my lung capacity and my ability to burn
10. Because I am the queen of excuses
11. Because I have been using my wieght like a beard and hiding behind it
12. Because I was holding on to other things in my life that long needed letting go

And why I am finally getting it under control?

1. Because I am finally out of excuses
2. Because the baggage that was weighing me down is out of my life, so there is no point in keeping my weight as a souvenir of all the shit I have been through.
3. Because I deserve to be fit and healthy and not have fat bog down my self-confidence
4. Because I am blessed to have so many chances while others cannot even move
5. Because today may just be the best there will be.

Small steps, mercies and victories for a long journey.

Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries" is now my daily motivational song.

Everyday, I have to remember to "Fight and never walk away."

When love speaks an awful truth

My dearly beloved told me some cold hard truth over the weekend. I cried for two days straight. I was hurt. But you know what? He was right and even more importantly, he spoke out of love.

Sometimes it's hard hearing bad stuff from a partner- even more so than any other loved one because of how vulnerable you are in love, but you even though you know what's at stake, it's good to hear it out loud.

So it was obvious that I had put on too much weight. My clothes weren't fitting and my joints ached under the added weight. Dude loves me yes, but I should have known that all the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't be enough to entice a man indefinitely. Yes, he knew he married me overweight.. but he was fine with me at that weight. Turns out that his 300lb benchmark was too liberal for me. I guess 190 is his cut off. I past 190 some 5lbs ago.

I cried myself to sleep and cried upon waking and every time he looked at or spoke to me. I felt fat and ugly in his eyes. I was hurt at first. Then furious. He married me overweight. I am a stay at home wife who works on occasion. I am struggling with making my transition over here. I am a newlywed. He has long hours. He is a damn chef for crying out loud! Food is a high point of my day. I dont live in a walking city. I am limited by my immobility. We couldn't afford much outside of food. It's the first time in my adult life that I am without a car. I haven't even been behind a wheel in 6months.

Who's fault is it anyway?

I can hear you saying" Sister I was warning you about all that cooking."

Sadly though, it wasn't just the cooking. It was the junk food binges. The laziness. The excuses. Hiding under tent blouses and dresses. The functional depression. The excuses.

I stayed away from clothing stores, even for things on sale because I did not want to face the reality. I started working out, got sick and binged my way everyday through a three week period. I gained 8lbs. Turns out those 8lbs were my husband's cut-off point.

I can't kill him. He took a day off on Monday when he realized that his comments on my general physical appearance had crushed my spirit. He has been cooking healthier options for me and actually getting up 45mins earlier to work out with me to my videos for the past few weeks.

Small victories
1. He took me to the Museum and shopping for a few pieces to fill my empty wardrobe. I got two belts to put around my waist to show that I actually have a wasitline underneath my very maternity looking clothes. I desperately needed new pants but refused to buy a UK size 18, which was the only size that fit me without making me look voluptuously vulgar.

2. I am six days smoke free. I still get the urge to smoke but I chew the nicotine gum instead. I have some cigarettes on my coffee table that I look at daily but never smoke. There is something empowering about having it in front of me and CHOOSING not to. It actually feels better than not having any cigarettes in the apartment at all.

I know I have a very long way to go, but I am going to celebrate where I am right now. Right now, I am taking on a daily fight to be healthier in smaller but cumulative ways. I walk more, eat more veggies and fruits (even packing them in ziploc bags and taking with me when I leave the house), try to eat less at meals, and I am trying to move away from Food as Reward. We are now looking at ways of incorporating activity into our lives and making weekends about having new experiences together as opposed to just being about eating something new.

So what's the next big reward?

1. When I lose 15lbs, we are going paintablling.
2. We are going to go to the water park (practically free since he gets access as a company benefit
3. Beach once per week (free ride and free beach).

Every 15lbs will qualify me for a new EXPERIENCE. Each reward must be very low budget but high in activity and fun. The defining factor is that if the "souvenir" is digestible, it doesn't qualify.

Everywhere you step, macka juk you

(No matter which direction you turn, there are trees with prickles all about).

I picked a fine time to be out of a regular income... I must be crazy some may have thought. Indeed I was. Just not the way you think.

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Depression had taken me to places I had never been before and never want to return. This wasn't just about me not being able to handle pressure. I was ill. I was ill because I was overcome with fear due to two personal acts of violence committed against me in a foreign country, in which no one could be identified as friend or defender. I was alone and in fear for my life... and sanity.

So I did what I thought would be the most practical thing... leave. It was a choice between preserving life and sanity or making money. Each was at the expense of the other. They were mutually exclusive.

Having never been rich, it wasn't hard for me to select poverty.

Putting fun and jokes aside, I made contingencies, trying to account for the huge financial fallout. ESC and I also decided that it would be good for me to join him where part he be.

As the date draws near for my transatlantic departure, I seem to be getting more and more nervous. It's a humongous step- all of 13hrs worth- and a whole lot of uncertainties lie in between.

What on earth could I be nervous about? Nothing I haven't already contemplated and tried to make contingencies for, but that never stopped Mr. Murphy.

I am struggling, really struggling to find centre and stay grounded... after all... is my life not ordered by Higher Order? But these damn voices wont stop yapping in my head.

A time for everything under the sun

I know I have been missing in action for the last two months... it seems as if I have gone home and found myself in the company of those close to me and deserted you who listened to my diatribe during the times when no one was close. It isn't so.

I have had a lot to do over those two months... and a hell of a lot of people see... people who's presence and prayers have been my sustenance. And respect was due. Plus, I am nothing without those who anchor me and make requests to God on my behalf.

I also have had a lot to really think about. I lost my balance and I have had to try and find my centre and get grounded.

I have an unchartered leg in my journey ahead of me and I have been forced to be quiet and contemplative in the midst of much noise and distraction. Nothing is perfect, we were never promised beds of roses, but for as long as we have breath, we have the power to make the bed however we feel, with awareness that we have to lie in it, no matter how we decide to do it. Every decision has it's pros and cons. Everything has good and bad. And often times, when good is about to be released in your life, there are storms along the way. The curses are part and parcel of the blessings because it is through them that we learn to recognize all that is good.

It has been a struggle. I haven't been all zen. In fact, many times when I ought to have been, I have been everything but. Even so, I am grateful. My gratitude is for breath...the greatest mercy ever bestowed on man.

Anyway, I am in NYC now. Will keep you posted.

Sorry for the lack of pics. I will post once I get settled.

Blessings all around.