Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Small steps, mercies and victories for a long journey.

Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries" is now my daily motivational song.

Everyday, I have to remember to "Fight and never walk away."

When love speaks an awful truth

My dearly beloved told me some cold hard truth over the weekend. I cried for two days straight. I was hurt. But you know what? He was right and even more importantly, he spoke out of love.

Sometimes it's hard hearing bad stuff from a partner- even more so than any other loved one because of how vulnerable you are in love, but you even though you know what's at stake, it's good to hear it out loud.

So it was obvious that I had put on too much weight. My clothes weren't fitting and my joints ached under the added weight. Dude loves me yes, but I should have known that all the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't be enough to entice a man indefinitely. Yes, he knew he married me overweight.. but he was fine with me at that weight. Turns out that his 300lb benchmark was too liberal for me. I guess 190 is his cut off. I past 190 some 5lbs ago.

I cried myself to sleep and cried upon waking and every time he looked at or spoke to me. I felt fat and ugly in his eyes. I was hurt at first. Then furious. He married me overweight. I am a stay at home wife who works on occasion. I am struggling with making my transition over here. I am a newlywed. He has long hours. He is a damn chef for crying out loud! Food is a high point of my day. I dont live in a walking city. I am limited by my immobility. We couldn't afford much outside of food. It's the first time in my adult life that I am without a car. I haven't even been behind a wheel in 6months.

Who's fault is it anyway?

I can hear you saying" Sister I was warning you about all that cooking."

Sadly though, it wasn't just the cooking. It was the junk food binges. The laziness. The excuses. Hiding under tent blouses and dresses. The functional depression. The excuses.

I stayed away from clothing stores, even for things on sale because I did not want to face the reality. I started working out, got sick and binged my way everyday through a three week period. I gained 8lbs. Turns out those 8lbs were my husband's cut-off point.

I can't kill him. He took a day off on Monday when he realized that his comments on my general physical appearance had crushed my spirit. He has been cooking healthier options for me and actually getting up 45mins earlier to work out with me to my videos for the past few weeks.

Small victories
1. He took me to the Museum and shopping for a few pieces to fill my empty wardrobe. I got two belts to put around my waist to show that I actually have a wasitline underneath my very maternity looking clothes. I desperately needed new pants but refused to buy a UK size 18, which was the only size that fit me without making me look voluptuously vulgar.

2. I am six days smoke free. I still get the urge to smoke but I chew the nicotine gum instead. I have some cigarettes on my coffee table that I look at daily but never smoke. There is something empowering about having it in front of me and CHOOSING not to. It actually feels better than not having any cigarettes in the apartment at all.

I know I have a very long way to go, but I am going to celebrate where I am right now. Right now, I am taking on a daily fight to be healthier in smaller but cumulative ways. I walk more, eat more veggies and fruits (even packing them in ziploc bags and taking with me when I leave the house), try to eat less at meals, and I am trying to move away from Food as Reward. We are now looking at ways of incorporating activity into our lives and making weekends about having new experiences together as opposed to just being about eating something new.

So what's the next big reward?

1. When I lose 15lbs, we are going paintablling.
2. We are going to go to the water park (practically free since he gets access as a company benefit
3. Beach once per week (free ride and free beach).

Every 15lbs will qualify me for a new EXPERIENCE. Each reward must be very low budget but high in activity and fun. The defining factor is that if the "souvenir" is digestible, it doesn't qualify.


Celia said...

Will be with you along the journey cuzzin, you can do it.

Azikiwe said...

"190 some 5lbs ago"

WHAT !?..K. this is dangerous, and you not even a mother yet. Clearly, its a man's world in Dubai & you can't expect to maintain the "romantic balance of power" if you are "fat & ugly". Please continue to make the small steps towards improvement in this region.
I still love you K...

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