Friday, March 26, 2010

When a man isn't enough

I am bawling my eyes and heart out. He is in and out of sleep. He's tired. I'm having a meltdown. He understands. Simply so. I need to plough further, dig deeper, talk longer. Wash, rinse, repeat. He summarizes in three sentences and falls back asleep. I feel worse.

I am getting angry. I want to break something. Anything. Everything. Even my vows. It lasts for 6 seconds. Then I get sad again. The twat starts to snore. I sniffle.

If I had a car I would jump in it and drive to Rootical Flava or Montego Bay. But I don't have a car and even if I did, I still wouldn't be able to drive far enough to reach Jamaica.

I am homesick, worksick, soulsistasick all in one.

I just have too much damn time on my hands and not enough to do with it. If we were married longer and we more financially stable, I would have a baby. That is what people do when they have time to fill.

I need a car. Hands down. Sedentariness is killing me. I have had a car ever since I was 22 and now, the lack of mobility has gotten to me, dropping the weight of an anvil on my shoulders almost overnight.

I could do more, see more, enjoy more if I were not immobile. This is not a country to live without a car. Surely you can exist without one, but "live," no.

I need estrogen. Only estrogen can really deal with estrogen. Only estrogen can allow you to bawl your eyes out and then feel better in 10 minutes flat. Testosterone only manages to turn a 10 minute meltdown into a weekend long affair.


Anonymous said...

Hug and hugs and more hugs!!!!
Forget about what you can't do.
DO what you CAN!
I know no other like you. You've amazed me daily. You have so much strength and vision and creativity and drive and common sense. I know it's hard, but you've done hard, and won, over and over and over again.
I wish to be like you when I 'grow up'!
I miss you, but your journey is just getting real exciting. Embrace it. And you're doing one of the best things you can ever do to help you get to the next stop - you're really and truely experiencing it. Ohhh tomorrow is going to be sooooooo much better.
Luv, KatG

Sheer Almshouse said...

A mi dear..... as Adam Lambert song says "What if today is the best there is?"

Bodhisattva Harlem Mama said...

I wish, wish, wish you could be home this summer. I will meditate on it and maybe just maybe a miracle. I hope to be in Jamaica mid July. Of course my trip would be 100x better if you were there. This isn't helping is it? I miss you too. I just started making friends here and it has taken so long. Patience, estrogen will find you.

Anonymous said...

I've thought that too, but always been proved wrong. It's true tomorrow may be worse, but then there are so many more tomorrows we can look forward to and aim for. If u don't believe anythingelse I say, then believe this - It WILL get better!!!
Songs were meant to be sung. Feelings are meant to be expressed. And hope is meant to have.
Cheer up!

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