Friday, August 31, 2007

Off My Ass

I have not worked out since the beginning of the year. I was so busy changing that I couldn't find the energy to be consistent in other areas. I am on my third job, moved house and a brand spanking new relationship and i just could not muster up the will to stay active.

I am going to sign up for three months in the gym to jump start my fitness so that I will be able to at least move around without panting.

These days have been rather boring. But that is prolly due to my lyming buddy, Imelda#2, being away for six weeks. She returns tomorrow so I expect a surge in alcohol content by Sunday. Can't wait.

A boyfriend for Sheer Almshouse

Well it turns out that I have gotten so close to a very good 'friend' that its time to add a three letter prefix.

Now you need to understand that I have been officially single for 4 years. Yes by choice of course, I kept on saying "no," for one reason or another. Turns out that not only could I not come up with an excuse to say "no" this time, but I really didn't want one.

We kind of stumbled into this relationship which seems rather ironic since he is a twenty plenty hour airplane ride away, with a stop in London.

Yes he is THAT far away- in country that blocks skype, text messages and even voicemail. Nevertheless, he has been home twice this year and we spend a lot of time together when he visited last.

I should be visiting sometime post September. I was hoping to visit him for his birthday (30th) in October but we will see). Failing that, there are talks of a vacation together next year in mainland Asia. I say India, he says Japan. We'll see.

This seems like the season for kindling flames that were too green to get started in the first place. My Friend of Frank has just gone official to Old Dawg Winer, who makes certain that she gets on a plane once every four weeks so that they can get their monthly fix of each other.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Why I Want a Wife

by Judy Syfers (1971)

(Sheer Almshouse Note: This classic piece of feminist humor appeared in the premier issue of Ms. Magazine and was widely circulated in the women's movement.)

I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife.

And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother. Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturing attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals,serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue care for me and my when I need a rest and change of scene. I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who take care of the baby-sitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my quests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d'oeuvres, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties.

My God, who wouldn't want a wife?
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