The egos of men

Men have egos that are often times bigger than the sum total of all their parts- of which actual working brain matter is a scant fraction.

I knew this before but nowhere do you find more evidence than in the sanctity of marriage... when a bachelor' wings are clipped to prevent straying.

I find the lot of men grossly inappropriate when dealing with the opposite sex. Men unwittingly weave themselves into sticky situations and then wonder how on earth they got all that icky stuff on them. Duh!

What is it about being coupled that makes some men feel so in need of attention and affection of women other than theirs?

Automatically, the wife/girlfriend becomes the anecdotal dragon and stories get rearranged craftily to position the man as a prince in distress, opining to the sensibilities of the woman whose attention/affection/empathy he seeks.

"Oh poor you. Did she really hold out on you after surgery? If you were my man, I would never do that! I would make certain you were rushed back into surgery after getting your stitches ruptured. After all, a good woman NEVER says 'No' to her husband. You know what, even though you are married, if you were nearby, I would help you out."

The foolish woman doesn't realize that she has been pity-played by a cunning manipulator and now he has gotten her to sponge wipe his massive ego. He doesn't tell her of the numerous times he has put off his wife's/girlfriend's advances and how his inability to handle those requests due to him being tired from his super exhausting job has been the bone of much contention. No.... for his stories to other women, the wife is always portrayed in some degree of frigidity and he is of course the hot, raunchy sex god who just wants to give it good and regular! Ha!

Women, don't be fooled. When you hear coupled men uttering any veiled complaints about their women, tell them to sort out their business at home and stop twisting stories for the ear of every other woman. It is very likely to be bullshit. This is the reason married men are always "going to leave" lives, or their "relationship is on the rocks," or they are "waiting for the right moment to leave."

There are those men who fabricate these hard luck relationship stories as part of some justification for flirting and flirting only. But even so, sometimes the flirting goes to a level that would make a reformed prostitute blush. There are others, who have every inclination to take it as far as you will allow. Everybody has problems in relationships. Every human relationship will have moments of strain and weakness, you just have to make certain that you are not a pawn in a chess game in which you have no chance of ever coming out winner.

If I had a dollar for every newly married man who increased felicitations in direct correlation with complaints about new wives having headaches, periods, or not satisfying them sexually, I would be a wealthy woman. But nothing is more disgusting than a newlywed who is already looking outside of his marriage to build his egolust.

As Ma would say, if a man is complaining about his wife ... just nip it in the bud and say "Leave her and come." If she is so bad, he would be doing everybody a favour.

Honeymoon done!

So dear heart, after nearly three weeks of marriage (feels more like 2 months), I am back on the scene.

It was a good thing to have had my energies concentrated where they should be during my hiatus. Why? Because what they say is true... this marriage thing is serious business!

I feel like for all intents and purposes of this blog, I am still somewhat of a single TwentySomething, just now in a more serious lifelong partnership... after all, I do not plan to lose my connection with single people and plus who said I would lose my individuality and identity?

The run down:

-We chose our rings together at the Old Gold Souk in Deira. Without even realising it, he chose mine and I chose his. We went for simple bands. His white gold and mine- yellow, white and red. Why? Cuz me come first, second and third!!! Imelda and I both independently told him that we should celebrate the simplicity of this first wedding every anniversary with a ring appropriate to pocket.

-He actually wears his ring all the time now... and delights in how it feels on his hand. He is obviously happy to be married- in more ways than one. As am I.

- We honeymooned in our studio. Three days. He had to go back to work to prepare tasting sessions and modifications for a new menu in his restaurant. His immediate boss resigned a couple of months ago and he has had to put in more hours to get the job done.

-We had a six course lunch on our wedding day in a fine dining restaurant in his hotel and went to KFC the next day for dinner. Yes we could have chosen some similarly cheap Arabic fast food joint, but the symbolism of dinner at the Colonel's is much more of a internationally understood nature. I have always thought of the charming the story that Rootical Flava told me once about a Jamaican couple who were not very well off financially but wealthy in love- they wanted to get married. Had no money for a wedding or even rings; they had the ceremony and went to KFC to celebrate. I guess my KFC juxtaposition to the 6 course fine dining meal is that we are together for better for worse, richer or poorer. And can I tell you? Fried chicken never tasted so good!

-We then went to a movie... a romantic one- God bless his heart- The Time Traveler's Wife.

-We kept on looking at our rings and asking each other "Did we really do it?" It was such a silly and cute and childlike enthusiasm that we shared that we were kind of like "Big people now, right? hehehehe"

-We ordered take out. I had thought we should have done touristy things before the wedding, but after everything, we just decided that the only sights we would be seeing were right before us. We stayed in. Cooked, drank champagne and then when that ran out went on to Vodka. I can vouch for him when he said he fell in love with me all over again after I cooked him Saltfish Rundown and Fried Dumplings to sweet perfection (bless Imelda for the dumpling refinement par excellence).

-We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. Both in the literal and figurative sense. But seriously though, you wouldnt believe how much we spoke on our wedding night. Yes we consummated the marriage upon Imelda's swift instruction, but afterwards, we chatted like old friends about things you wouldn't believe!

-Not having family around was rough on us... but it made us focus on the fact that this relationship is just we and God and everybody else,.. has fundamental supporting roles, largely anchored in prayer and the blessings and the channeling of positive vibrations our way. Those who loved us were really there every step of the way lighting candles and singing sankeys and we felt the love and jubilation.

- I was going to cry when I was marching alone to the altar but then I saw how happy ESC was and thought... yes I was leaving my father and he was even able to be there to witness it, but I had a damn good man waiting for me at the altar. And he was 15 mins early to boot- a huge improvement over his father being 2 hours late for his parent's wedding!

-We experienced kindness from the most unexpected places and disappointment in those places that we thought we could depend on, but you know what? Such is life! We saw the hand of God working and weaving our little thatch roof of love over our heads so that we could be sheltered from the sun and the rain. It helped to reinforce the fact that our hopes are not based on man but on God from whence cometh our help. Everyone else is merely a vessel according to His design. All praises to Him for the provisions.

-We had blessings read by our families at the wedding ceremony and the lovely Anglican priest was obviously touched by the words of support, love and encouragement that our families had for us even though they were not physically present. It made us all realise that the church may be empty, but hearts were filled with love. Imelda wrote the one on behalf of my family and his middle brother wrote that from his.

- We had African congo drums, and the Reggae spiritual ballads of Buju Banton playing at points in the ceremony and the priest, who was once based in Nigeria for 10 years, was raising his hands and dancing and turning around in jollification. It was a sweet ceremony and you could feel the love. My only regret is that we didn't have it one video. Not to blow my own trumpet but it was a really lovely ceremony.

-Yes I was nervous. Yes I did let out a loud sigh right before I took ESC's arm at the altar. No I did not notice that he had on black socks with his outfit. As soon as I did (after the ceremony) I proceeded to ask him every so gently to remove them from his outfit that didn't call for socks. The one day that I wasn't around to dress the man!

- I was the frugal bride. I did my own hair, makeup, designed my gown, directed my wedding photo shoot and edited the photos. I selected yellow roses because of the significance of the friendship that we have maintained for nearly 15 years, which is the foundation of out marriage. All photo credits to Saleem Almas.

-ESC surprised me and arranged for a delectable chocolate wedding cake for us from his friend, who ran the restaurant that we dined for lunch because he couldn't let his wife not have a wedding cake because he knew fully well that her Ma is a master cake baker and decorator and no child of hers could have a wedding without a cake.

-Mother Hen was the first to call us after the ceremony ... with such joy and that she was almost singing when she told me "I was there! I was there! I dreamt I was there and me and your Aunty Thelma had on... and there were purple orchids...!" Funny enough, I did get a bouquet of purple orchids from a lovely Jamaican woman (who Imelda knows) the night before the wedding. The Spirit was in accord.

-Family was missed at the lunch table... we had no official reception so we are REALLY looking forward to the "Proper Jamaican Wedding & Reception" to follow next year.

- We have had to get back to the real world and deal with real world issues, but we have been making good headway in resolving our conflicts. We both strongly feel that we were created for each other. We both add significantly to each other's lives and challenge each other in ways that truly make us individually and collectively better for the wear.

- We pray and read the bible together, even in the middle of spats and huge disagreements and confrontations because we have to consult the Higher Power who is responsible for singular and plural.

- Yes, I can attest... sex is really better after you get married!

-We have agreed to go to marriage counseling to help to ease us into the transition of marriage and to reconcile small things before they become bigger things. The first year of marriage is the hardest and we are committed to doing everything we can to build a strong foundation from the get go. Often times, I feel that by the time many couples go into counseling, the marriage is already over because irreparable damage has already been done. As we say in Jamaica, "Prevention better than cure."

- We have married friends to spend time with and learn from (with seemingly happy unions) and this is a good thing. We also have two older married friends from church who have been at it longer and who have taken us up in mentorships of sort.

-We go to church together and even attending sermon two days after the wedding as part of our honeymoon.

I have seen that in so many ways, this is the relationship and marriage that I have prayed for all these years. It humbles me to know that I have been so supremely blessed. Yes there are challenges, and yes there are growing pains, but ultimately, this is a union so wonderfully blessed by God. Together we are truly stronger.

When life gets sour

Life can be downright difficult sometimes but a so we know who in control, no so? From whence cometh your help? Give thanks even in sorrow farzin to say, no the same thing that sour you did one time sweet you? Joy and sorrow are sides of the same coin (paraphrasing Gibran).

Life is not sour for me right now, but ESC and I do have our patches of sucking salt through wooden spoon [thanks to Imelda for knowing every Jamaican proverb and idiom under the sun]. We have had our differences and confrontations but we have been working them through and getting closer and understanding each other as a result. A relationship is damn hard work. A good relationship is plenty hours of hard algebra and trigonometry homework. I don't like maths... but it is good to find a formula that works and stick to it.

Imelda and I have been chatting online about just how blessed we are in spite our humble means. That likkle story bout silver linings... a true.

Life is what you make it... thunderstorm or not.

I don't know bout you but from I likkle bit dem tell me that life isn't a bed a roses. Well I say... life is just that- a bed of roses...just watch out for the prickles. Somedays it pretty but sometime, everywhere you turn macka (prickle) juk (prick) you. Even in nature, thorns serve their purpose.



On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Note from a spinster

I used to hate that word. "Batchelor" conjures all things George Clooney and "Spinster"... my granny's miserable twin sister. "Batchelorette" may be politically correct but I am not certain that the British First Aid in English has made that the official synonym for "unmarried woman."

Then somewhere along the way...through great soul searching, I found my peace with the word, the term, the concept, the existence. I was an unmarried woman, no? A spinster, no less, no more.

I started off my 20s as most of us do questioning everything. God, religion, family, friendship, relationships, people, the opposite sex, the same sex, age, work, love, hope, life, peace, sanity, identity. I started off my 20s depressed.

I remember Azikiwe explaining to me at about 23 years old that my constant doodling of abstract faces and my counter-depressive practice of drawing faces with charcoal in a drawing pad was the revelation that I was questioning my identity. It was subconscious. But I had every right to be doing so.

I had some fundamental paradigm shifts in my last summer of being 19- the one that ushered in twenty. Being born in early August means that I spend two summers at every age. The ushering in...and the fading out.

It was a cathartic point. I made decisions that would forever disrupt my worldview and how I viewed myself in it. Therein lies the conflict. If I no longer knew who I was after 19 years, then who was I really?

That took me years to answer. Almost 10. And it wasn't smooth sailing.

There were some hits and plenty more misses. In the quest for finding out something of which you know the foggiest, there are often times more failures than successes. There were many lessons in that... chief of which was the one taught by the harrowing process itself- resilience. Anyone can fail. Everyone will fail. It is the process of starting over after failure that truly reveals character.

So there were many starts. I started many jobs. Many relationships. Many friendships. Many interests. Many philosophical outlooks. Many self-help projects. Yet, I continued to fail.

And then... as I developed a new language to name this new identity that I was discovering, I began to have a concept of who what where when why and why not.


Fire. Fascinating. Beautiful. Hot. Burns.

Talent. Embedded. Growth. Release.

Work. Love. Visible. Square-peg. Round-hole.

Love. Fascinating. Uplifting. Transforming. Hurts.

Grace. Undeserved. God. Granted. Revealed. Redemptive.


I have been thrashed about on love's floor and broken into pieces. Yet, like the phoenix from the ashes, I rise.

I rise, rose and continue to be risen, pressing on to greater glory higher than my own.

This is a gift...this spinster business... what else could nine years of finding yourself be?

So at the end of it all, on this the twilight of a new day in my journey, I salute the spinster in me, who has helped me to define me.

I walk away from this place whole and into a marriage whole. I am whole on my own. Even in my darkest hour. I am happy on my own. Even in my moments of utter despair. I find my own joy. It lies within when all beauties fade.

I have grown. Leaps and bounds. Ask anyone who truly knows me. But how? Because I have lived in every moment-good and bad and allowed them to take me places hitherto unreachable. In doing so, I discovered my biggest revelation of all time. Grace.

I give thanks.

Happy Birthday ESC

I am an unconventional woman, so I do unconventional things. For his BDay, I bought ESC a URL. He was deeply moved. It was a testimony to the fact that I believe in him and his career aspirations. It couldn't have come at a better time he said... he faced some drama at work yesterday and it was good to come home to such love and support.

I dolled up too... I thought... "What would Marilyn do?"

Remember that racy outfit I bought as a STEAL on sale? Yes hon, that same hot number.

Heels and fishnets to boot. And the shoes. God bless my sprained toe. And the right makeup and fragrance.

He cooked me the best salmon I have ever had (crispy on the outside and melting on the inside).

I needed a strong shot to come out of the bathroom in that getup so he poured me one.

I came out and sang a la marilyn...

We ate.

I put on Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass' "Love Potion #9 and did a dance... and removed my robe.

We hugged. And kissed.

He did some work at the desk. I helped him (Imelda would be happy to hear that her dawta suggesting soup recipe for upso stayso restaurant).

He showered.

We hugged. We prayed. He said "Thank You a million times.

We went to sleep.


PS>>>>>ESC is a bigger man than me. As tempted as he was (and beliiiiiiiiiiiiieve me he was), he was very faithful to the chastity. But there was actual something sweet (though mildly frustrating about getting so dolled up and then retreating to bed with just tight hugs)... If ever I doubted just how spiritual and respectful this man was, I can't now. Today is the actual BDay but since he comes in after midnight, we had to celibrate it at the beginning, rather than at the end.

Knowing when to leave

One of the hardest things in life is walking away from relationships that are not healthy, but in which you have invested the vast majority of your emotional portfolio. As hard as it may be, sticking around long past the expiry date is much worse.

I am aware that I have developed some patterns as a result of a previous relationship which soured for so long that it permeated my psyche and working through that baggage now erodes all the blessings of that union.

I am usually a walk away and don't look back gal but I made a very bad exception to that rule. But the rule is there for a reason. If you walk away once, it is for a reason. Don't go back. As my mother used to drill into my head "Good, better, best." You move on and moving on means letting go.

I know so many sister friends and brothers who too have romanticized situations to the effect of slowly poisoning themselves. The more extreme cases usually end up with a body and a prison sentence, or two bodies. Others have children who are so traumatized that they never really lead normal lives.

Love doesn't hurt. And that whole long suffering bit in the bible wasn't meant to be a Joan of Arc re-enactment. This is not homeopathy either, what kills you doesn't necessarily cure you.

But often the damage is hard to access while you are in the midst of the roller coaster drama. But you have to trust your intelligence. The heart muddles decisions, and often we make bad ones based on feeling than on what we know to be true. Sometimes the truth hurts too much and it is easier to sugar coat it than to admit to ourselves that we are in a bad way.

I believe that spiritual ties are made with those you sleep with and those are hard to break. Lying with somebody is never just a physical experience, no matter how liberated your worldview. You enter into a spiritual bond and it's not always good. You can sometimes take on their drama, their demons, to add to your own personal struggle.

I am not sure why I am writing this, but I felt led to do so.

It may be lonely to be alone but nothing is lonelier than being in an unfulfilling relationship. Love is about commitment to another's spiritual growth as much as your own (as defined by Dr. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled). Newsflash, if it is killing your spirit, it isn't love.

Relationships are hard work because we each have our own personal crosses to bear and when we put them together, it can be a rather heavy load. That is why choosing partners carefully is important. But we are not always right. This is why break-ups and divorces happen everyday. Sometimes, walking away is simply the best option. Do not be afraid to take it if you know that this is your truth.

Driving through the relationship maze

There is no map to navigate the ins and outs of love. You just have to take the road that appears to make the most sense, and be willing to turn back and start over if needs be. Word to the wise, taking directions from others may be the biggest mistake.

Note to self: You are wiser than you think.

Self reliance- they key to happiness

This is not a blog about being financially and emotionally dependent. This is a blog about physical independence- that is, finding ways to ensure that physical needs are taken care of independently of having to have another person in the mix-at least not in person.

I grew up in a fundamental Christian home (well on one side of the family). I don't think the word "masturbation" was mentioned once. And why should it? I agree, it's such a dirty word. That's why "Self Reliance" is just so much better a term. Full copyright credits go to Imelda for being the first to use it in this context.

But seriously, any adult who does not believe in self-reliance is headed for trouble. Can you imagine what happens in a marriage where one partner is totally and completely reliant on the other for physical release? What happens if one person goes out of town on an extended trip?

I have had enough male friends to tell you what really goes down, especially with those who are adamant about NOT taking care of business themselves- thy find a temp. That's what it boils down to- a job to fill, a temporary vacancy in need of a body.

Beyond that though, there is no way that two people are going to have the same sexual peaks just because they are in a relationship or because they live together. You may be randy out of your mind and your partner would rater eat cardboard...and no amount of cajoling or role play can make a difference. Sometimes it may be that one person is just really too tired or sick, or is in a weird place psychologically. We all have had moments in our single lives when sex is the last thing on our minds- it does not change simply because you have a hot body sleeping beside you.

So my word to every twentysomething who has never practiced self reliance is- start now. And if somehow you have fast-forwarded into your thirties, forties, fifties and sixties without having discovered that you can rock your own socks off... it's never too late.

Coupling is better when both individuals know their bodies and know what pleases them. And when the slob beside you rolls over and plays dead.... exist left of stage and head straight to the bathroom.

You can leave a radio in their to muffle any sort of vibrating noise or stifled moans if needs be...the latter applying to both sexes.

Take your physical release into your own hands.



If you haven;t been woefully turned off by this topic and want more tips...feel free to comment. My cousin calls me the Celibate Nun. I seem to have developed some expertise on the topic. What can I say? I read a lot!

Conflict Resolution

So it seems that the absolutist break up happened only in my head.

Apparently I totally misunderstood the very poorly selected words that Mr. Mention (the boyfriend) used and we finally came to an understanding. This is after I offered him his walking papers and 24 hours after the consumption of 2 bottles of horribly tasting pinot grigio (the worst I ever had).

Turns out dude wants to go on a spiritual fast that will involve chastity and introspection for 4 months. I have done the same for over one whole year so I totally identify with that but I certainly couldn't identify with all the hemming and hawing that was taking place instead of a reasonable explanation for a shift in behaviour (hence the walking papers bit).

SO , I haved definitely learnt a few things...

That spiel about women not saying EXACTLY what they want, men do that too and when they do it, it may be more devastating because we expect men to say exactly what they mean to say.

The fact that I am a trained communicator stays strictly in my professional realm. There are very few guys who can communicate as effectively naturally and they may say all the wrongs things. And when I say wrong, I mean they may say things that they dont want to say but cannot seem to find the right words to express exactly how they feel.

Breathe. Before I drink another two bottles of bad wine and break a glass and feel like everything is over. Be patient and get to the bottom of things. For communication to take place, meaning must be shared.