How far along am I ?

It's past 2:00 a.m. and I am on my third load of laundry since ESC went to bed. I stopped staying up later than him months ago, choosing to go to retire with him or before. Tonight was a little different. For some reason, I just wanted to get some laundry done.

I guess this means that my energy levels were pretty high, which is a great thing after 3 months of consistent exercise and losing 18lbs.

Things are going well with my weekly column, though my pay was slashed by 20% after my very first month. Well the truth is all of us weekly contributors to the mag were offered the chance to keep 100 percent but with frequency reduced to every other week. I opted to keep my weekly status and take the cut that way.

I have been lagging in posting to our food blog. My hands have been hurting badly due to overuse and so I have had to limit my time on the computer and give priority to paid work. The biggest irony is that my work happens on the computer and on the smartphone, since I am now earning a very modest income as a working writer and a part time social media consultant. Furthermore, working from home means that my interaction with the outside world happens via these very devices that cause tremendous stress to my poor hands.

So funny enough, I have been finding housework very therapeutic. Washing dishes and tidying the kitchen is a much welcomed break, as is doing the laundry and folding clothes. Chopping can be a little hard sometimes but I do eat the majority of my meals at home so I have to cook to eat. Somedays I hurt so much that I just have to strike to get some relief. Even holding the TV remote can be too much on those days.

Tweaking my diet
I am changing up my diet again this week. I have been stalled for 21 days (July 30) so I decided to get drastic this week and clean up all processed foods from my diet. I had gotten used to using low-carb products as a crutch, esp when away from home but it has not served my purpose well. I also find that I cannot seem to lose weight eating cheese anymore so I just have to refrain until I am closer to goal. I will re-introduce cheese later on and see how my body responds to it. In the meantime, no dairy this week. Next week I will add organic Greek yoghurt as well as berries, cherries, melon and nuts- hopefully 2-3 days apart to see how my body responds. After that, I will add pulses including chickpeas, lentils and so on perhaps once per week. Once I figure how those work for me, I will add whole grains in the form of oatmeal and buckwheat once per week. I am gearing up for oatmeal by September. I miss oatmeal so much!

This whole "low carb" concept is not a "no carb" one. Some people just do better with less starchy carbs period- whole or not. No one does well with sugars and refined carbs so those will always be avoided but the whole idea is for me to find out what foods work with my body and those that do not. I will also find out what foods and in what quantity and frequency I can eat and lose weight or maintain weight, which is critical for long-term weight management. I had gotten to a point where I simply couldn't stop myself with certain trigger foods.

Too often we go on drastic fad diets replacing meals with shakes or pre-packaged meals but of course the weight comes piling back after we return to our "regular" diets because we haven't learnt how to feed ourselves to get those results. I know how to eat well and cook whole foods. I just need to learn the numbers, combination and frequency, since I have tended to over-feed on healthy carbs in the past. So with this approach, as I lose weight, I will be eating the very same foods that I will eat at goal weight.

Veggie Lover
Since going low carb, I have a new appreciation of vegetables and I have probably eaten more in my low carb days than all the days of my life combined. I now see salad as a filling, tasty and healthy alternative and can eat an entree salad as a whole meal without bread. That lesson alone will undoubtedly help me to maintain my goal weight when I reach it because I can easily have salad for dinner everyday with the odd dinner party thrown in. Essentially, I am learning balance. Funny enough that is the point of this mission- to bring my mind, body and spirit into balance.

Water & supplements
I am also drinking LOTS of water and guzzling loose leaf green tea. In fact, I am supplementing very well with high quality supplements that restore nutrients that would be lacking when one is losing weight.

I've been moving it!
I am also up to working out 5x per week. I worked my way up from 3 days and sometimes even have 2 workouts per day. Do not be alarmed. I live in a one bedroom apartment and most days I never have to go through my front door. I need all the movement I can muster. See one of the reasons I packed on the weight in the first place? I force myself to go to the gym, which most days is the only way I would see anyone for longer than the 30mins a day I see ESC. Major kudos to me... I am lifting the heighest ever free weights and working my upper body like never before. My body is already re-shaping.

I have a fitness buddy
She is all the way in CT, USA but I am happy for her. We are the same age and are on the same diet so that helps. This is the very first tme I have had a fitness buddy and she and I have been trying to lose the same pounds for a while. We challenge each other that this is our year to get it right.

I made a vision board
You know me by now. I am always writing down my goals and expressing my intention to the universe. This time I went a step further and put them into pictures and placed the collage above my desk.

Paying it forward
I have inspired my hubby to finally go for the six pack. After the miscarriage, he resumed working out regularly at home while I was packing on the pounds, hoping to inspire me to get going again. It took an inner thigh blister to get me going and since then, I have been inspired and focused on hitting my dream fitness goals once and for all. I have showed him the pics of what I am aiming for and we have discussed it (he's fine with a hellfire buff and fit wife). I have shared everything I have learned about nutrition and supplements and have even put him on a regimen. He has never looked better. Chefs generally look older and haggard due to their hours but he is looking mighty fine if I may say so myself and he feels so stoked that he too is aiming for his perfect beach body (which he hasn't had since his college days). We might as well strike while the iron is hot. Later on we will ensure it stays hot.

Celebrating me

"Belting Out" (C) 2011. All Rights Reserved.

This is the year I come into my own. I wrote that on facebook and while my goodly friends got it, one didn't. She welcomed me to a club she had joined years ago. Good for her.

"Coming into my own" is a present continuous declaration that I will continue to rise to the challenges of life, take on the battles, humble myself with the pruning, and rise to higher heights. It isn't a place you "reach" and find a nice shady parking spot. It is an ongoing evolution.

I am celebrating the fact that I know that this "Coming into my own" business is a day-to-day call to rise up and meet come whatever may with gusto. I am as I am. Present.

I am not focussed on the past neither am I on the future. I am plucking away present continuously with every breath with anectdotal inference from the past and faithful anticpation for a future built in a city of no regret.

I find that I making peace with circumstances which seemed to great to tackle. I am re-connecting with my loved ones from whom separation got the better of me. I am even beginning to accept that "It is what it is" and all that comes with "it."

I am finally seeing that I am not an accidental photographer, writer, filmmaker, broadcaster, marketing guru, creative. I am really beginning to own it. It's as if just giving myself permission to be is opening me up to a mirror through my work.

I may not have a "job" but I have "work." My work is to practice and hone my talent and to ensure that the gifts I have been given are shared with those with whom they were meant for. I wrote once that "My talents have been gifted to sustain." That still rings true. The seeds I sew with my creativity will bring a bountiful harvest, not only for me, but also for all who partake.

I am something big. I am something special. I am a lifeforce of promise, energy, love, light and joy. I say this not with pomp and pageantry, but with the reverence of a spirit who has acquiesced that she is made in the image and likeness of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I give praise to my creator by accepting that His creation of me is perfect. I am not perfect, but I strive for perfection. That means even though I recognise that I will always fall short, I will continue to work on being better.

"Arriving" is the antithesis of growth. It means you have plateaued and will eventually regress. Dormancy is death and degeneration.

So, today, I celebrate what is. I cherish this moment. I am alive and well and it is well with my soul.

This reminds me of my late Aunt's favourite hymn:

"When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Though has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

I give rise to me.

The sacrifices of a modern woman with an old-fashioned heart

Marriage is sacrifice. Full stop. Comma, comma, dash-dash.

I gave up my job and a link in my career chain to get married. That made me not so popular with quite a few feminists on both sides of the law. I was giving up too much, and giving away the power I had earned - independence via salary. This wasn't a popular notion in this day and age, especially since I wasn't marrying a wealthy heir to fortunes too great to lose in one generation. But was it worth it?

This is a question I have often asked myself when things are hard; when there are kinks in the marriage that seem like permanent roadblocks without detours. It usually takes a while, but in the middle of the impasse, if I get quiet enough, I ususally find my answer. The thing is that it is in those very moments that threaten to break us that hold the solutions that we seek. I feel the love between ESC and myself strongest in those intances where we struggle, knowing that even though we walk in the shadow of the valley of death, we walk in faith and commitment to see it through.

It is because I have given up so much that I have made space in my life for so much more.

It is akin to cleaning out your closet and giving things to others. You simply make space for additional blessings to flow to you. So it is with love.

My grandmother always told me that you should never give away that which is not good enough for you to wear. I sacrificed things that were very important to me, in the faith that I would find greater gifts down the road. I was making space. I am glad I did.

Sometimes we ask for too much. We want it all and all at the same time. But how is it possible for a cup to hold three times it's volume at once? Sometimes you just have to pour out some into another cup to make space for more.

I hail the work of the feminists who burned bras so that I would be free to make my decisions. I decided that I would allow my man to be a man and that I would find strength in being his woman and that there would be perfect balance in that.

Looking back, we have had to work through lots of change and the repercussions. I moved hemispheres. We got married. We have over 60 years of single life combined that we traded for the uncertainty of plurality. People do not give enough focus to new marriages and how much the first year sets the foundation. It is hard, dueling, back-breaking work and if both parties are over-worked and over-stressed from intense career pursuits, many things get lost in the confusion. It is the very fact that I have not been working full-time that has helped me and us to wade through all this.

I have also been able to find my centre like never before in my life. I am at peace. And if I get anxious, it is fleeting because now I know exactly how to tap into my source. I have learned to listen to myself and trust my wisdom. I have learned to be happy with little stimulation. When my husband gets stressed and uptight about a significant work challenge, I am aware enough to pick up on it and nip it in the bud. I can sense it in his sleep, in his eyes, and in his spirit because I have had the energy and focus to be so in-tuned. My management experience and even some of my own mistakes are useful in helping to guide him in leading his team. I am part wife, part friend, part professional mentor, spiritual and life coach. We are my job. I am my job.

I have worked my way through the depression of seclusion and the loss of my identity as a professional. It's amazing how much we overcompensate with our careers when other areas of our lives (personal) do not measure up. Once I was stripped of that, I struggled to find other things about me worth being proud of. I struggled to find who I was without a power suit and perfect TV makeup. The power dynamics changed. I was suddenly powerless. I was no longer boss of anything. I no longer had the bigger salary to be secretly puffed up about. But I found my way. One day at a time. One step at a time. I left the darkness of our studio and stepped out into the sunshine and I fed my mind, body and spirit with goodness and love. I was worth loving even if I didn't earn my own salary as a testament to my worth on this earth. Then, I found my fulcrum.

There will be days when I am going to have much on my plate and I will have to be able to meditate in the middle of the clutter. There are days when work and children and hubby will demand more of me than I think I can muster but having had this adult gap year to tap into me, I know I have found the tools to navigate the roughest seas and maintain my inner peace.

I take nothing for granted. I see each day as a miracle and I am grateful to bear witness. Nothing is certain, but we live in the hope and faith and awareness that "All things [indeed do] work for good."

A day without rain

I think it safe to say that for the very first time in my life, I am striking balance. I feel like a tree, swaying to the rhythm of the breeze, yet firmly rooted in the earth.

It has taken more than a little effort to find peace in the midst of such immense change.

I am happy. I have found joy in the little details of life that we often take for granted when we are too busy to pause and see them. I find that my connection to others is deeper than ever, and I truly feel other people's joys and share their pain in depths I never thought possible.

I have also found sincere peace in solitude and stillness. I no longer need external stimulation to pass moments. I even shy away from company when the energy isn't right.

I trust my spirit and my intuition.

I trust people when they show me who they really are.

I have been spending my days feeding my body well. It is thanking me for it. I no longer have stomach problems, depression is a thing of the past, and even my eczema is keeping its ass quiet. My body is slowly morphing back into a shape I can identify with and I am eager to find out as much as I can about fitness and nutrition. I read as much as a college student but my voracious appetite is fueled by a hunger for knowledge as opposed to good grades.

God has been good to me. He really does take care of His own.

I never knew that marriage would be the very thing that grounded me but I guess wonderful things happen when you begin to walk in alignment.

I now know that I can truly find peace anywhere.

The importance of setting attainable goals. What is your Mission Statement?

The main reason why I can look back and see some measure of success in my life is because I have written down things I wanted to accomplish and have ticked them off one by one. Up until recently, the list was longer. Do this, get that, reach there, grab that. Now, it's just about taking the steps, one at a time, to realize my most authentic and optimal self by bringing mind, body and spirit into balance. Can I tell you? That is a helluva goal on its own and it needs no company. I am also visualizing it. I see it in my meditation practice, picture it before I fall asleep at night, and repeat the affirmations, even for all to see on my bathroom mirror. I, Sheer Almshouse, have one singular goal in a world of clutter, multi-tasking and multiple births.

Looking on the goal as written above... it's more of a Mission Statement as opposed to a singular goal. It is the benchmark by which all efforts are measured and directed to reach.

I realise that we cannot focus on things in isolation. "Buying the house" may mean holding on to a toxic job. "Getting married" may mean accepting the proposal of a controlling spouse and just like how we cannot just spot reduce weight off our tummies alone, we cannot avoid the whole.

I am figuring out that once you focus on fine-tuning your personal big picture, "then all these things shall be added until you."

Que Sera Sera is the antithesis of Carpe Diem

I have gone about my entire life siezing every blasted day... you know the metaphors- holding bulls by horns and taming dragons. It seemed like the most active, purposeful way to live. Isn't it what we tell our children? Sieze the day! Time waits on no man! Strive! Run until your heart bursts in your chest, then run some more! Aim higher, be better. More is better. Bigger is better. Louder is better. I managed to do well in the broadcast and marketing communication field with that innate fair for grandeur and the cultivation desire for seizing the heck out of days, and jobs.

Then a funny thing happened- nothing.

Without a job, I could either spend my entire days in pursuit of one (which I did for months everytime I panicked) or I could just sit, be quiet, and listen.

Hmmn. Doesn't jump at you as an active and purposeful way to live does it? You remember the "Pick your battles" anecdote? Apply it here.

I learned that once I was focused on just finding my centre and grounding mysel, I didn't have to worry about the noise that cluttered my mind. I could swim through it and find my moment of peace in it. Once I was fixed, I could walk on water. Everytime I panicked, I sent out a resume. When I am fixed, I realise I am happy, and that my life is fuller than ever before and that even though I may have a lot less, I have so much more. When I am fixed, I accept that my life and every step in it is ordered and that I will eventually reach every landmark in the journey that I was meant to... including work. Once I am fixed, I don't worry about defining myself solely by my work, but my ability to renew, change and transform, reaching higher levels of glory. Once I am fixed, getting a job for the money, influence or power is far less appealing that spending time to cultivate the being who will attract work that changes people for the better and provides harmonious relationships.

I know that may sound awfully kooky but I guess that is what we think of people and things we don't understand. Call me whatever you wish. I just know that I am moments away from a huge breakthrough in my life and I am going to pay attention to make certain that I don't miss it. I can feel it. It's a living breathing thing. It's this huge energy source of enlightenment. My life's work is just about to begin. I am gold, raw and filled with impurities. I just have to go through the fire to be purified.

"Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire
Is to be holy, set apart for you Lord
Ready to do Your will
Ready to do Your will"

I am not in control. The only thing I can control is the moment I have now and what I choose to do with it.

I choose not to panic. I choose not to be anxious. I choose not to be erratic. I choose to be silent. I choose to listen.

Invictus (the poem)

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be**
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

** I believe in the Reader's Licence (as in open interpretation and application) and therefore I apply my faith in my God as opposed to "whatever gods there may be"

I accept

That I am building strength but am far from being strong
That it is hard to not be able to do the things that were once easy
That it takes courage to stick to something that is difficult and doest yield quick results
That some days I fall off but I never stay off anymore
That it is OK to be a little overwhelmed every now and then
That everyday is not the same
That some days I can climb mountains and others I can just walk a mile.
That I will get reach my destination one mindful choice at a time
That anything good is hard to come by
And that anything worth keeping must be fought for.
Today and everyday is the day of salvation
I will save myself.

Slow on the uptake

Its 7;42a.m. and I have been awake for over an hour. Needless to say, I did not have any high glycemic carbs yesterday. I moved around more than I have in years and I am feeling my best in this moment, which is significantly better than I have in a long time.

In all of this, I didn't make the connection with my immediate circumstances and the bigger picture until my cousin LA pointed out that the job and everything else will come once I have completed the sorting through of certain things I need to address in my life.

I guess looking after me and minding my health is now my business. Full-time. I have neglected so much over such a long time that it does suit me best to be able to hone in on my core- you know peel away the layers.

I have my moments of deep contemplation and withdrawal but I feel that they are less depressive and more introspective. I have always been happy to be alone with my thoughts and now it seems I have a lot to both think and yet be quiet about.

It also just occurred to me this morning that I am STILL achieving my goals! I am digging the foundation to build an engaged, purpose driven, and active life. I am on my way to be in my best shape ever at 30- mind, body, spirit.

I feel that my growth has been as much dependent from my community of family and friends who have given me guidance, support and sometimes a hard talking to when I needed it most. My achievements, even though they may seem miniscule in the scheme of larger things, are huge to me and should equally be seen as yours. Be grateful that you have touched one more life by just being you and in doing so, helping me re-discover me.

Pain free breath- what happens when you stop smoking

Today is Wednesday, the day before Thursday. Thursday will be two weeks since I decided to stop using cigarettes as a crutch and to quit so I could open up my lungs and really get fit.

Last night ESC and I did 50 mins of kickboxing. I wore weighted gloves weighing 0.5kg (1.1 lbs) each. I could breathe! There was no tightening in my chest, no feeling winded, no lactic acid build up!!! I did however feel tight in my injury free knee so i didn't push it to the max as I could have done (breath and stamina-wise) for the first time in years. It felt good. Really good.

I feel like I have accomplished something exceptional. I guess I am that kind of girl :) Yes it has been a damn struggle but I rose to the challenge and have been facing it head on. These are the moments in movies and plays that makes all of us find hope in our own struggles. It's catharsis in the making; the introduction of the elements of victory over the impossible: "Life, meet Struggle. Struggle, meet Courage. Courage, meet Commitment. Commitment, meet Hope. Get very acquainted."

Small steps, mercies and victories for a long journey.

Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries" is now my daily motivational song.

Everyday, I have to remember to "Fight and never walk away."

When love speaks an awful truth

My dearly beloved told me some cold hard truth over the weekend. I cried for two days straight. I was hurt. But you know what? He was right and even more importantly, he spoke out of love.

Sometimes it's hard hearing bad stuff from a partner- even more so than any other loved one because of how vulnerable you are in love, but you even though you know what's at stake, it's good to hear it out loud.

So it was obvious that I had put on too much weight. My clothes weren't fitting and my joints ached under the added weight. Dude loves me yes, but I should have known that all the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't be enough to entice a man indefinitely. Yes, he knew he married me overweight.. but he was fine with me at that weight. Turns out that his 300lb benchmark was too liberal for me. I guess 190 is his cut off. I past 190 some 5lbs ago.

I cried myself to sleep and cried upon waking and every time he looked at or spoke to me. I felt fat and ugly in his eyes. I was hurt at first. Then furious. He married me overweight. I am a stay at home wife who works on occasion. I am struggling with making my transition over here. I am a newlywed. He has long hours. He is a damn chef for crying out loud! Food is a high point of my day. I dont live in a walking city. I am limited by my immobility. We couldn't afford much outside of food. It's the first time in my adult life that I am without a car. I haven't even been behind a wheel in 6months.

Who's fault is it anyway?

I can hear you saying" Sister I was warning you about all that cooking."

Sadly though, it wasn't just the cooking. It was the junk food binges. The laziness. The excuses. Hiding under tent blouses and dresses. The functional depression. The excuses.

I stayed away from clothing stores, even for things on sale because I did not want to face the reality. I started working out, got sick and binged my way everyday through a three week period. I gained 8lbs. Turns out those 8lbs were my husband's cut-off point.

I can't kill him. He took a day off on Monday when he realized that his comments on my general physical appearance had crushed my spirit. He has been cooking healthier options for me and actually getting up 45mins earlier to work out with me to my videos for the past few weeks.

Small victories
1. He took me to the Museum and shopping for a few pieces to fill my empty wardrobe. I got two belts to put around my waist to show that I actually have a wasitline underneath my very maternity looking clothes. I desperately needed new pants but refused to buy a UK size 18, which was the only size that fit me without making me look voluptuously vulgar.

2. I am six days smoke free. I still get the urge to smoke but I chew the nicotine gum instead. I have some cigarettes on my coffee table that I look at daily but never smoke. There is something empowering about having it in front of me and CHOOSING not to. It actually feels better than not having any cigarettes in the apartment at all.

I know I have a very long way to go, but I am going to celebrate where I am right now. Right now, I am taking on a daily fight to be healthier in smaller but cumulative ways. I walk more, eat more veggies and fruits (even packing them in ziploc bags and taking with me when I leave the house), try to eat less at meals, and I am trying to move away from Food as Reward. We are now looking at ways of incorporating activity into our lives and making weekends about having new experiences together as opposed to just being about eating something new.

So what's the next big reward?

1. When I lose 15lbs, we are going paintablling.
2. We are going to go to the water park (practically free since he gets access as a company benefit
3. Beach once per week (free ride and free beach).

Every 15lbs will qualify me for a new EXPERIENCE. Each reward must be very low budget but high in activity and fun. The defining factor is that if the "souvenir" is digestible, it doesn't qualify.

Woman in the mirror (be present and accounted for)

Stop it right now.

Stop thinking about how fit and fabulous you were.

Look at who you are now.

Be present.

Stay present.

You are smart. Beautiful. Brave. Kind. Happy. Alive. Well.

Realize what is compromising those things.

Inactivity. Lack of self- expression. Reclusiveness. Food. Insecurity. Fear.

Do you realize that you are wonderful as you are?

Do you realize that the fact that you think so deeply about where you are in relation to where you want to go makes you more likely to get there?

I know you. You WILL get there.

Find peace in the journey.

Life is about balance. Finding Qi. Centre. Grounding. It takes TIME. Give yourself time. Celebrate small victories.

Stop giving yourself such a hard time.

Tough love doesn't always work.

You have accomplished so much.

Stop worrying so much.

Relax.

Live!

Love until it hurts and forget about broken hearts.

Dance. Since it's illegal to do it it in public here, close the curtains, turn up the music and dance like no one is watching. Not even you.

Let go.

Be free.

Breathe.

Move.

Feel.

Daily.

A la minuit.

Meditate.

Feed your body well.

Cry when you feel like, but make sure you cry hard and for no longer than 10 minutes. Then laugh. Louder than you cried.

It's OK to be sad sometimes. Fuck flower power. Just find balance.

Eat well.

Pray lots.

Love without end.

Refocusing and finding centre...yet again

It has come to that again... the point when paradigms shift and I am forced to evaluate where I am, how I got here, where I want to go and what route will take me there.

It's bigger than just being a newlywedded expat wife still trying to come to grips with a whole mass of change in a very short period. Or maybe that is all there is. Who knows? Whatever it is, it is what it is. A crossroad. A crossword. A puzzle.

I find myself torn among a few things within
-The struggle to find ways to make each day count when little is being achieved on the Over Achiever Scale of 1 to Infinite

-The fact that I have successfully used up all the savings that were to last me for a six month period within two months of my arrival

-The grim reality of just how daunting the life of being a chef's wife when you are sitting at home waiting for 15-18hrs for him to come home so that you can try to quickly run through all the things you wanted to talk about and get him in bed within an hour or two so that he can sleep for a few hours and begin a new day just like the day before and work that way without days off for one month straight or more during peak seasons which last for months at a time. A run-on for a long wait.

-Feeling so desperate to redefine an individual identity without the channels usually within reach

-Applying for jobs from here to Cairo, just to find something to do that pays, even though deep down, I am not sure that just having a job that pays will give me the meaning and satisfaction that I truly crave. I am aware that desperation forces saints into prostitution and though I am no judge, I am pretty sure that my limited experiences in this life have taught me that not all jobs are for me. Re-enter the square peg round hole debate.

-Trying to find meaning to my existence- a higher calling more fulfilling than paid labour- the work of volunteerism- realising though it costs more than time to volunteer.

But I need to. I need to be a part of something bigger than myself. To find a little corner in the host of problems rife in the world and sit with my sewing needle and start to sew my contribution to the quilt. Somehow, I feel that once I make that inner connection to my heart's work, I will find the very same channels not only to express my contribution to mankind, but to receive the bounty of fulfilment and the very means of survival that God intended.

The whole point in me packing up my life and moving across the atlantic was to find an opportunity to do things differently in a way that brings sustainable joy as opposed to fleeting happiness. I must admit though that it is hard to reconcile that with having little means and finding myself in a subset of aloneness in a much larger pond. But larger ponds provide more square footage to grow beyond anything that a Small Island Mentality could offer.

Am I creating for myself my own version of Small Mindedness or am I rising to the occasion to be a part of something bigger than myself?

I have a very supportive, though absent husband, who is my champion supporter.

I have already sent out more job applications in the past few months than the total numbers in my entire life. So now, I am sending out a new call to the universe.

I am calling for work that brings me joy, that makes a difference in a life other than my own, that allows me to manifest my Gibran philosophy that "work is love made visible." I know that the money will come. I don't know how, but I know that it will. I am sending out the call to attract good people, solid people who I can be a blessing to and who can be a blessing to me. I am sending out the call for a GPS mapping of how to get to that place where I ought to go. I am sending out the call to be healthy, mentally, physically and spiritually and attract circumstances and encounters that are on the same plane.

I am not sure what I will do. I am not sure where this train network leads. I just know that I will get off at all the right stops.

My life, though small shall be meaningful, present, and fully accounted for.

Note from a spinster

I used to hate that word. "Batchelor" conjures all things George Clooney and "Spinster"... my granny's miserable twin sister. "Batchelorette" may be politically correct but I am not certain that the British First Aid in English has made that the official synonym for "unmarried woman."

Then somewhere along the way...through great soul searching, I found my peace with the word, the term, the concept, the existence. I was an unmarried woman, no? A spinster, no less, no more.

I started off my 20s as most of us do questioning everything. God, religion, family, friendship, relationships, people, the opposite sex, the same sex, age, work, love, hope, life, peace, sanity, identity. I started off my 20s depressed.

I remember Azikiwe explaining to me at about 23 years old that my constant doodling of abstract faces and my counter-depressive practice of drawing faces with charcoal in a drawing pad was the revelation that I was questioning my identity. It was subconscious. But I had every right to be doing so.

I had some fundamental paradigm shifts in my last summer of being 19- the one that ushered in twenty. Being born in early August means that I spend two summers at every age. The ushering in...and the fading out.

It was a cathartic point. I made decisions that would forever disrupt my worldview and how I viewed myself in it. Therein lies the conflict. If I no longer knew who I was after 19 years, then who was I really?

That took me years to answer. Almost 10. And it wasn't smooth sailing.

There were some hits and plenty more misses. In the quest for finding out something of which you know the foggiest, there are often times more failures than successes. There were many lessons in that... chief of which was the one taught by the harrowing process itself- resilience. Anyone can fail. Everyone will fail. It is the process of starting over after failure that truly reveals character.

So there were many starts. I started many jobs. Many relationships. Many friendships. Many interests. Many philosophical outlooks. Many self-help projects. Yet, I continued to fail.

And then... as I developed a new language to name this new identity that I was discovering, I began to have a concept of who what where when why and why not.


Fire. Fascinating. Beautiful. Hot. Burns.

Talent. Embedded. Growth. Release.

Work. Love. Visible. Square-peg. Round-hole.

Love. Fascinating. Uplifting. Transforming. Hurts.

Grace. Undeserved. God. Granted. Revealed. Redemptive.


I have been thrashed about on love's floor and broken into pieces. Yet, like the phoenix from the ashes, I rise.

I rise, rose and continue to be risen, pressing on to greater glory higher than my own.

This is a gift...this spinster business... what else could nine years of finding yourself be?

So at the end of it all, on this the twilight of a new day in my journey, I salute the spinster in me, who has helped me to define me.

I walk away from this place whole and into a marriage whole. I am whole on my own. Even in my darkest hour. I am happy on my own. Even in my moments of utter despair. I find my own joy. It lies within when all beauties fade.

I have grown. Leaps and bounds. Ask anyone who truly knows me. But how? Because I have lived in every moment-good and bad and allowed them to take me places hitherto unreachable. In doing so, I discovered my biggest revelation of all time. Grace.

I give thanks.

The eve of Turning 30...a TwentySomething assessment

I just realised that I wil turn 30 in August of NEXT year! I may still be 28, but that puts things in a slightly different perspective.

There are soooo many plans I had. Goals to accomplish. Of course, all before turning 30. Alas! Life intervenes. And in a damn good way, might I add.

Forget the house, the marriage and the children and the highway to financial wealth. I am happy. I am even better than happy. I have deep-seated delight and contentment in the fact that I have spent the time really working on me. And in the most fullsome way, realising me.

Some years ago I accepted the fact that marriage and children were not an expressed and guaranteed rite of passage, especially if I really cared about who I wanted marry and the circumstances in which I want to bring children into this world.

I decided too that those standards, though high, were not to be compromised. Here's why. It dawned on me that I was perfectly whole as I am... and then without a man to truly call mine, and even now in a relationship. I recognised that these were merely add-ons from the whole list of electives that one could choose in the course of life. I also became aware that there were many others to select from.

That was the beginning of my epiphany... freeing myself from the childhood expectancy of wearing white and being labeled "mother."

I then set about the pursuit of chiseling the "woman."

I believe that finding me, my voice, my purpose and my singular yet consuming personal joy was even better.

There are still goals...a life is aimless without them, but they are different.

The older I get, the more flexible I am with them, because sometimes in executing you find that they are not worth pursuing. So you adjust accordingly.

Like the rising the corporate ladder. I was leading teams from I made my producing debut at 19 for a children's TV programme. Went into the corporate world and became a PR Manager for a Trans National brand by 25. I owned my own business by 26. Moved from my country by 27.

And got my heart broken sometime between.

The things left to do are doable. The worldwide travel. Photography. Writing. Producing and Directing moving pictures (documentaries, indie films and TV programming). Getting in the best shape of my life. Climbing Blue Mountain. Getting young people to realise their own potential in their teen and early adult years. Getting my nose pierced.

These are goals that are realistic and are will in my reach of attaining.

Owning a house, getting married, having children may come. If they do, I will be content. If not, that would be because I managed to be equally content doing all the above.

New year's resolution

So often, I have contemplated WHAT ON EARTH is a 28 yo woman doing here... in the height of her singular development (no husband and pickininies)... just wasting away in a place so remote that it might as well be labeled "the prison of paradise"

Its a great place to vacation with a romantic interest... or to reconnect when life gets in the way of the love... or just to retire... but...I have been finding it difficult to LIVE. That said, I have grown soooooooooooooooo much since I have come here... significantly on a personal level.

I have much time to examine me, and challenge me, and get more aware of me and what me wants.

So I am finding my truth, and in so doing, finding my way.

I have also been able to let go of the toxic relationships and in so doing, I have attracted a most wonderful man to me. He is my longtime friend. And we are happy. But he is in Dubai and I am here. So, while we scheme and plot and plan to be together in the same place, I am doing me.

I have had to dig DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP down to find my own source of happiness.

I am putting myself in a position to be able to truly explore what makes me happy career wise. I am not sure if I am loving PR or maybe its just the assignments that I have had in PR (corporate and private sectors are straight jackets). I want more meaningful work. I feel a strong desire to tap into my artistic and creative core. I want to write, photograph, travel, broadcast, produce direct. I am a creative. I am an artist.

My only resolution this year is..

"to stop putting my square raasclaat peg into a round hole."

As I peel away the layers, I become freer, happier, because, I am getting much closer to just being me.

It's hard, it's rough, but ultimately, this pruning will be the cause of much personal growth.

To have no family or close friend means to lack the very affection and warmth that I am accustomed to and thrive on. Even a hug means so much more now than it did before.

So..essentially this assignment... this whole isolation bit has been quite appropriately, "A Journey into Me"

So yes, the blessings are indeed aplenty and they truly overflow.

Give God thanks for grace.

Self-confrontation

There is a lot that I have not said over the past month (after all, a month ago today I arrived in my Jamaica and forgot everything about blogsphere). But writing for me has become a part of my existence, and while I can put it off for more pressing commitments, I must get back to it for personal release.

I miss the words. The sound of the keys as I strike them in unconsious and semi-conscious dexterity... expressing not only what I know to be so, but also what I didn't even realise was true.

This is my most honest space, so much so that I would rather not say anything than fluff over what is real. And this is why it is anonymous. My identity is only revealed to a select few, even though this blog is published publicly.

I am not sure I know what exactly I feel like blogging about. I dont feel like talking about the experience in Jamaica, though it was a spiritually and "moodically" uplifting one.

I think I am in a very strange phase... I am trying to tap into some deep level personal growth during a time of abject loneliness and isolation.

I think more than ever (if ever that was possible)... but I am left to my thoughts quite a bit so I have no choice. I am reading like I did when I was studying literature, only this time I get to make my own required reading list. I write more than ever... and I think even my photography expresses more than ever.

I am also dreaming more and my deja vu has even returned! I am getting closer to the real me.

I guess what I have been trying to do then is to dig channels within and without to connect more meaningfully to myself and the world with which I relate.

Life is for living... and living is a choice.

Even though I have been presented with a wonderful opportunity to share my life in a relationship with one whom I call "friend" in addition to "partner", I feel also a distinct desire to maintain my separateness even in our collectiveness.

I guess this is the essence of my current struggle. It has been a while since I have had any relationship and even longer since I embraced a healthy one. I know that my responsibilty lies to myself in ensuring that it remains healthy and in addition, allows both of us to reach greater heights of spritual growth.

I have been learning about myself, and understanding myself more deeply, questioning my motivations and my relations with the external. As a result, I am slowly, finding my footing and getting closer to my own truth.

I think, for the very first time, I can really honestly say that I have become a woman. It's kinda strange... I know... but neither natural nor societal law dictate when one truly steps into adulthood. I have acted like an adult for a long time, and firstborns ususally grow up fast. In the process, I lost a significant part of my childhood and had to retrace the steps to catch up.

I no longer want to be more than I am. I no longer want to be older than I am. I am happy to be as I am, knowing that my growth with continue as my life experiences allow.

I have my human struggles and almost daily I fight a valiant war against the depressiveness of this isolated existence, and I slowly find peace in the midst of lonleliness.

I am not lonely because I am unloved. To the contrary, I am lonely because I am very loved, and miss the free two-way expression of this love with my biological and spiritual families and friends. But I am learning to embrace this loneliness, not as evil, but good.

It is the vehicle for which I can explore the depths of who I truly am and what I truly want out of this life.

Call it a spritual hermitage if you wish, and me a student of life.