Small steps, mercies and victories for a long journey.

Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries" is now my daily motivational song.

Everyday, I have to remember to "Fight and never walk away."

When love speaks an awful truth

My dearly beloved told me some cold hard truth over the weekend. I cried for two days straight. I was hurt. But you know what? He was right and even more importantly, he spoke out of love.

Sometimes it's hard hearing bad stuff from a partner- even more so than any other loved one because of how vulnerable you are in love, but you even though you know what's at stake, it's good to hear it out loud.

So it was obvious that I had put on too much weight. My clothes weren't fitting and my joints ached under the added weight. Dude loves me yes, but I should have known that all the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't be enough to entice a man indefinitely. Yes, he knew he married me overweight.. but he was fine with me at that weight. Turns out that his 300lb benchmark was too liberal for me. I guess 190 is his cut off. I past 190 some 5lbs ago.

I cried myself to sleep and cried upon waking and every time he looked at or spoke to me. I felt fat and ugly in his eyes. I was hurt at first. Then furious. He married me overweight. I am a stay at home wife who works on occasion. I am struggling with making my transition over here. I am a newlywed. He has long hours. He is a damn chef for crying out loud! Food is a high point of my day. I dont live in a walking city. I am limited by my immobility. We couldn't afford much outside of food. It's the first time in my adult life that I am without a car. I haven't even been behind a wheel in 6months.

Who's fault is it anyway?

I can hear you saying" Sister I was warning you about all that cooking."

Sadly though, it wasn't just the cooking. It was the junk food binges. The laziness. The excuses. Hiding under tent blouses and dresses. The functional depression. The excuses.

I stayed away from clothing stores, even for things on sale because I did not want to face the reality. I started working out, got sick and binged my way everyday through a three week period. I gained 8lbs. Turns out those 8lbs were my husband's cut-off point.

I can't kill him. He took a day off on Monday when he realized that his comments on my general physical appearance had crushed my spirit. He has been cooking healthier options for me and actually getting up 45mins earlier to work out with me to my videos for the past few weeks.

Small victories
1. He took me to the Museum and shopping for a few pieces to fill my empty wardrobe. I got two belts to put around my waist to show that I actually have a wasitline underneath my very maternity looking clothes. I desperately needed new pants but refused to buy a UK size 18, which was the only size that fit me without making me look voluptuously vulgar.

2. I am six days smoke free. I still get the urge to smoke but I chew the nicotine gum instead. I have some cigarettes on my coffee table that I look at daily but never smoke. There is something empowering about having it in front of me and CHOOSING not to. It actually feels better than not having any cigarettes in the apartment at all.

I know I have a very long way to go, but I am going to celebrate where I am right now. Right now, I am taking on a daily fight to be healthier in smaller but cumulative ways. I walk more, eat more veggies and fruits (even packing them in ziploc bags and taking with me when I leave the house), try to eat less at meals, and I am trying to move away from Food as Reward. We are now looking at ways of incorporating activity into our lives and making weekends about having new experiences together as opposed to just being about eating something new.

So what's the next big reward?

1. When I lose 15lbs, we are going paintablling.
2. We are going to go to the water park (practically free since he gets access as a company benefit
3. Beach once per week (free ride and free beach).

Every 15lbs will qualify me for a new EXPERIENCE. Each reward must be very low budget but high in activity and fun. The defining factor is that if the "souvenir" is digestible, it doesn't qualify.

Still on a sabbatical but...

I had a most amazing day. The best in two weeks. I discovered the market. Wowza! Local fresh produce like never seen in the supermarket... jelly coconut to quench the shopping thirst... dried coconut for fresh homemade coconut milk...fish fresh as the sea...

I baked two loaves of my bread (my third batch ever) for my friend and her hubby and toddler. She was the one who rescued me ffrom my apartment and another same old same old day. I made plantain tarts too and a strawberry tart with the left over pastry.

Yumza!

We chatted while I baked and she cooked saltfish, boiled dumplings and get this FREST calalloo on the side. Yes, you heard right! FRESH calalloo in Dubai!

I was in heaven! And she have season hand!

So, a very Jamaican day was had by me in the middle of the dessert. Ignore the Starbucks chicken caesar wrap and coffee for breakfast after getting out of bed at 6:45 am to go to the bank with ESC.

I think I just might love living in the Middle East!

Beef Soup for Cloudcutter

There it is... tonight's pumpkin beef soup. The white thing is boiled dumplings and there is of course lots of pumpkin, beef, potatoes, carrots, thyme and pimento.

I guess I am killing two birds with one stone: cooking meals and practicing my food photography.

Tuesday's child

Today is Pumpkin Beef Soup Day in my kitchen. It takes forever for the beef stew to cook but it is such a lovely meal. I am feeling kinda soupy these days, can you tell?

Today's Green Juice

Romaine Lettuce
Celery
Pak Choi
Parsley
Carrot

Back in front of the camera

A Trini guy (Trinidadian) is putting on a weekly Caribbean theme night at a night club here and he has asked me to do some promotional interviews for him for use on facebook and his website when it launches. So tonight I will be heading there to help him. I am doing it pro bono, but at least it gives me a chance to practice. Haven't been on camera in a while and I miss it. I find that even if I take long breaks, the momet the camera starts rolling, I am back into character.

Full Circle

I have actually reviewed my approach to getting work and have decided that I will only target jobs that really interest me and not just vacancies I am competent at filling. Therefore, for the most part, I am targeting broadcast production and presentation gigs. I am best suited in a creative environment in which I have an outlet for creative expression and meet with like minds who speak the same language.

Media credits and photography are not as hard to reuse in different markets and I enjoy them.

Johnny Cakes (Jamaican Fried Dumplings)

I made these as requested by the hostess for a Jamaican brunch last weekend in Sharjah. She is a fantabulous cook, but admitted that her fried dumplings were not the best. Having earned high marks from ESC for mine repeatedly, I agreed to do them for the brunch. Mine are light, flaky and delicious. I use Imelda's recipe. This was the first time I made so many. All of 1 kg flour. I don't cook according to recip so I just estimate things. Smartly, I decided to do two different batches instead of making a big one that flopped. Not one was left. That little missing piece was broken off by someone on the way to the table.

Seafood Pasta in Cream Sauce a La ESC

This is a shrimp and mussel dish that my hubby cooked up for me. The delights of having my very own personal chef! I call him my short order cook (to his chagrin) because he is very compliant and can cook elaborately in a jiffy. I love pasta and his experience working in an Italian restaurant is quite handy. I know Italians eat much more than pasta, but usually, I just ask for pasta too keep things a little simple. He says he will make Ravioli from scratch for me one day.

The sauce was made iwth heavy cream, piccorino romano and parsley added at the end. Shrimp and mussels we sauteed in EVOO and onions and garlic first.

Tiger Shrimp Tea

Tiger Shrimp Soup with Okra. Kinda like fish tea but milder on the "fishy" bit. Full of pepper and spicy. Fish "Tea" is so named because it is a light broth and all other Jamaican soups are thick. We call every hot beverage "Tea" in Jamaica. So don't be surprised if you ask for "tea" and someone asks, "Cocoa Tea, Milo Tea, Chocolate Tea, Mint Tea?" We even have a popular reggae artiste who goes by the name "Cocoa Tea."

The shrimp was less "fishy" than regular fish and I used one whole. I also cheated and had chicken in there for additional stock without having to use more shrimp to flavour the pot. Instead of Jamaican scotch bonnet peppers, I substituted with hot green chili peppers.

ESC loved it so till he went back for seconds. He thought it had more than a mild aphrodisiac effect. I think it's mind over matter. Dude just gets trigger happy when I surprise him in the kitchen. But you wont hear me complain!

Escoveitch Sprat

Think of a ceviche with onions, carrots, hot Jamaican scotch bonnet peppers, pimento/all-spice/Jamaican pepper, cane vinegar but with fried fish instead of raw. It is an Easter treat in Jamaica. I am way ahead of Ash Wednesday this year. ESC loved it so much that he grabbed the entire bowl and offered me the heads.

Sheer Almshouse's Crusty Harddough Bread

This is my first attempt at baking bread. Imelda does it all the time and is my inspiration for breadmaking and general cookery. I said it was the last time... until I tasted it. Yumza!

Tell story fi peas soup

Peas Soup is a Jamaican tradition from the array of Saturday Soups cooked in homes across my island home. Saturday is market day and we celebrate the freshest ingredients by pretty much putting them all to simmer in a big pot of soup.

Our soups are meals unto themselves. Filled with dumplings, carrots, cho-cho (christophine), potatoes, sweet potatoes, dasheen, cocoa root, any yam available, and "meat kind" ranging from beef stew to chicken to salt-ting (salted beef or salted pig tails) and if it is peas soup, either red kidney beans or pigeon peas. Sometimes a combination of fresh beef and 'pig tail' is used; fresh beef and salted beef, or just fresh beef or chicken on their own. Chicken foot soup and "fish tea" are categories all on their own either loved or despised and all soups but the latter must be thick and full bodied. In fact, the rule of peas soup is that a wooden spoon must be able to stand on its own in the centre of the pot when done.

I love soup. So does ESC.

So today, I am making my own peas soup for the very first time in over 4 years.

This time, I had to salt fresh pig tail farzin to say, dose tings not available in Muslim country. I had to travel far to get me some piggly wiggly curlies imported from Kenya.

I am also making Jamaican harddough bread from scratch- for the first and probably the last time until I get a proper standing mixer. My hat goes off to Imelda. There is a reason why it is called harddough.. you knead it backside till yuh hand dem hurt yuh hard hard. But because I missing home so much, I seem to be craving things I never make and am willing to go an extra 50 miles to get them.

Since ESC is not a pork eater, I will use fresh beef with just one tail for a likkle sumpting extra.

I may also bake a pumpkin pudding that I saw online. If it comes out well, I will post it here and give you the recipe.

It seems like yours truly will be spending all day in the kitchen.

Beta Carotene in mi spleen

So save for one banana and a mango, I have had three cups of freshly pressed (at each sitting) carrot juice today. I am now making a soup with the pulp because I just think its a sine to waste pure pulp. All that in in there is carrot and ginger anyway.

Waste Not Want Not Carrot Soup:
Carrot Pulp from Juice extractor
Chicken Stock
Cilantro
Salt to taste
Thyme
And the awareness that ESC would have found a way to make it better (and without all that trash) but this is not ESC and the trash is fibre that serves an entirely different and important purpose!

I did get around to that nap and it was so peaceful... no scary dreams whatsoever.

Looking forward to taking that walk everyday!

Cooking Indonesian Dry Beef Curry (Rendang Pandang)

... Will let you know how this turns out.

It's a dish where you reduce the sauce so much that it just sticks to the meat (think BBQ sauce on ribs)... in a very spicy coconut dark curry kind of way.

I am very excited!!!

I have already started to defrost the beef that I seasoned over a week ago. I will cook basmati rice on the side. I may add some thyme to the rice because beef and thyme go well together. I wish I had Jasmine rice because I quite like it as a side dish to beef. I am going to experiment with a smashed potato with carrot trash left over from juicing carrots. Will also let you know about that one.

I am using a regular cut (boneless shank stew) non-expensive, originally bought for soup but decided on this instead.

BTW, I think I will follow Cloudclutter's recipe idea and do a one pot with sausage, rice and beer next month when we go shopping for a few bottles of alcohol ( a huge production under these Muslim restrictions).

Since ESC is working straight without days off for 2 weeks straight (15-16 hr days) I have increased the frequency of my cooking. In fact, I am the only one cooking these days... from breakfast burritos to exotic Jamaican, Indian, Chinese and Indonesian dinners.

Anyway, it's just one more reason for him to get his diminishing butt out of the kitchen asap at night and hurry on home to wifey!

Tuesday morning pangs

Missing the Easy Skanking Chef. There is something about the cold that makes you yearn for the warmth of another body. He is always warmer than me anyway. We spoke briefly. He is happy that I got away. And I sent him the photo of the spring blooms and he quite liked it.

Dinner was great last night. Both Harlem Mama and dinner guest, The Bearded One, loved it. I made two different versions because he does not eat shrimp. Both versions were good. Easy Skanking Chef helped me to perfect it some years ago over the phone. I dont like recipes so when I have something I like, I just try to extract all the flavours and recreate. I cooked like him too. Using almost every pot and bowl in my mise en place. And I cooked in stages.

I think I want to try Carbonara next. He makes a mean one. That's a tricky one though. It could easily turn into pasta with scrambled eggs.

Better late than never

He came.

Late dinner guest

Sometimes the writing is already on the wall. I have been cooking since 5pm, going slow, in anticipation of the arrival of my dinner guest. He called and said he was delayed and would be on his way when he was through. That was before 5pm. I started the preparation then. I am cooking chicken and shrimp with pasta in a cream sauce.

I figured that he would be here by 7:00/7:30. I mean, that is a decent time period to arrive to visit a friend you have not seen for a decade, who is staying with family and not a hotel. Maybe it's a cultural divide.

I find that I am always upset with him. He is not dependable. If you agree to something, you don't break your word. And certainly not repeatedly.

Harlem Mama says I am being miserable.

Maybe I am.

I got me a damn good man

In the midst of all the jing bang dem dat parade as man but whose sum do not add up to the equal parts of one... I got me a damn good man.

No luck round here.. just soso blessing. You think is little heartache I go through to get here?

But you know what? If it were not for all of the crap I have dated, fed, and bedded, I would not know just how good I have got it now.

Maybe I was really wise beyond my years when I decided as a teen that I would settle down with a man who had been a long time friend. It certainly helps that we have lots to talk about, common ground to stand on, and respect to navigate the rough of orbital wars of venus vs mars.

My expectations have changed too. Things that seemed critical fade to minor idiosyncracies. And I have changed.

I actually like taking care of the gent and dont feel taken for granted in an unfair anti-liberal world in which women are confined to the degradaton of domesticity. Could it be because he doesn't mind doing the dishes while I do the laundry, or making breakfast while I sleep late?

The plain and simple truth is that I have grown up. I have come full circle.

I have become the career woman who actually loves cooking oxtail at 2am because her man, though a refined sous chef, loves her home cooking and cannot go back halfway across the world without a last supper of oxtail...even it has to be breakfast.