The reason why I write

Writing has always been my therapy... and much more effective that the child psychologist my father took me to see at 13 and the clinical psychologist I saw when I was depressed in the Island Behind God's Back.

This blog was created to help me find my voice back in 2006. I always knew I had something to say, I just didn't know what it was or how it would come out. As I grew, my writing grew more open. I wrote less in parables and turned down the volume on self editing. I realized that there was a correlation between key stroke and heart that the mind had no place in interfering especially one like mine that was so hung up on appearances and appropriateness and all those things we are taught that make people dignified.

I just started to write. I stopped thinking and I just let the words pour out of my heart and I shared them here.

I haven't advertised this blog. It is semi-anonymous. I write with a pseudonym so that the mind doesn't get too threatened in all this open heart conversation.

I know that it may come across as a little out there sometimes... and sometimes I hide behind what appears to be a flair for the dramatic, but essentially, this is me. This is the me that I am revealing to myself and I am letting you in on it as it happens. When you read my blog, you are witnessing my life, and consciousness as it unfolds.

This blog is my stream of consciousness. My posts are not pre-planned... they just flow. I start a post not really knowing how it is going to end. This is indeed my loose interior monologue This is why my writing has been so therapeutic. I write not only to share, but to reveal to myself.

Over the past year, as I came to terms with being a newlywed, I found that I had very little to say. My writing was more expository than exploratory. I wrote to keep you up to date, to tell you I was alive, but few were the moments when I would just lit my heart rip. Funny enough, the same thing that seemingly silenced me, is the very thing that is giving me back my voice.

Marriage for me has been a journey into self. I thought it was the journey of two people trying to walk together but it is way more than that. It is about getting into you and then walking together with souls bare towards the light.

I have never been more myself in any relationship and I don't think I have been more myself even when I wasn't in a relationship. It's like I am finding out more about who I really am as i find out about my life partner. It is a blessing... he seems to hold up a mirror to me and I to him. We help each other see ourselves.

We have spent more conversation hours in this one year than I may have for all of my previous relationships combined and of course, we almost never talk about the weather.

As I continue to grow and my voice continues to gain strength, no doubt my writing will reflect this. I will not write for shock value, but I will write as my heart wishes to express. For me, it isn't what comes out of my mouth that reveals my heart, it is what comes from my pen.

The Inner Struggle: Fighting the postulation of political correctness

If only I could bring myself to write what is truly on my heart, I doubt anyone would find me worth loving. It is the most unforgivable thing and people are not redeemed for speaking such things out loud. My entire being wants to scream out the dirty little secrets and hang all that filthy laundry out so that I can gas it and light it and watch it burn. Mine is a fire sign. I fancy playing with it. Burning changes matter from one form to another. Nothing like fire to incite fan the flame of a revolution.

"In the Moment" by Tony Horton (Beachbody)

When I first started acting in the mid 1980s, I worked with an acting coach by the name of Darryl Hickman. Darryl introduced me to an acting technique and life philosophy he called "Being In The Moment." He felt that to be a good actor, you needed to stop acting or pretending, and start listening. The words you'd hear from another actor had to be felt on a deep, emotional level. Its effect on the actor needed to be real, not pretended. He'd say that poorly trained actors rehearse scenes with preconceived attitudes and/or fake emotions. If the stage direction in a script says a wife and husband are yelling, it doesn't mean that the actors needed to think and act angrily. His method taught actors to learn their lines and let things happen organically. He felt that good acting happened when two or more people in a scene reacted to the events around them, as opposed to acting with some kind of a preconceived interpretation of a script. This was a very scary undertaking because it forced actors to trust a process that constantly left them open and vulnerable.

I tell you this because far too often I see people in the "real world" try to present themselves in a light that they think others want to see them. We have found a way to protect ourselves by putting on an act. Many of us aren't real in the real world. We're acting for others. The second we wake, we start writing the script, and act our way right up to the point before we fall asleep. It's because we're afraid to "live in the moment." Living in the moment sometimes means appearing imperfect and vulnerable. We think we're better off if we present ourselves as busy, smart, important, brash, tough, or cool. Most often, this kind of showmanship doesn't allow us to really be us. The crazy thing is that most people aren't even aware that they're doing it. Boasting, bragging, excuses, and little white lies are all part of the act. We get so used to acting this way that it feels normal. It's a way of protecting our fragile egos because we're afraid to appear human. It's only in the quiet times alone that this acting routine we present to the world feels empty and wrong.

What does any of this have to do with health and fitness? Everything! Being, living, and working out in the moment allow you to release the ego and the act, so you can react and enjoy the reality of the moment. My beach workout today is a perfect example of letting go of the act (loaded with expectations) and allowing my body to listen. It turned out that my main job today was to show up and pay attention, moment to moment. Were my reps down today? Yes. Was my form less than par? Yes. Was my range of motion compromised due to the cold and damp weather? Yes. Was my strength diminished from the week before? Indeed. Did the workout, the way it played out, deter me? No! Did it mess with my ego at first? A little. C'est la vie. It is, so therefore I accept it. The acceptance of each moment as it's happening makes it easier to come back another day, and coming back another day is the most important part of fitness.

How you act (or don't act) through the process of getting fit is equally important. There's a fine line between a humble person who works hard and is proud of their results and someone else who shouts from the rooftops pleading for others to notice them. This "look at me" routine is part of the ego-fest that can jeopardize your long-term health and fitness, because it's based more on your need to be seen and less on your desire to be healthy. Turn off the act; be in the moment; listen to what's really happening; stop looking for approval; and believe that your own health, fitness, and quality of life are far more important than the dog and pony show of scales, tape measures, “after” photos, and how you want to be perceived by others who could care less.

Peace,
Tony H.