Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The sound of solitude

I have the loudest fucking fridge in the universe. The frigging thing sounds like belt buckles being washed in the spin cycle. Maybe it is that I have too much time on my hands and not enough personal noise to distract me but its jusck freaking annoying. I guess its not as annoying as the chinese glee club that meets in the townhouse beside me... bwoy are THEY annoying.

Picture: chinese immigrants gathered around a piano-playing fellow immigrant
Sound: christian hymns sung in all the english the poorly educated immigrants can muster
Effect: A dizzying state of nausea

Luckily my phone is ringing...



...

All that jazz

I notice that I have been posting on love a lot these days. Hmmn.. deep...

Anyway, single life is bound to get to any fiercely independent woman after a while.

Its nice to have someone to share with, cook for, lyme with, travel with, romp with, fight with and all that jazz.

Anyway.. i tired. Long day doing a job I despise. I am going to go off into Paradise by Toni Morrison.

Do you know

by Mr. Vegas

WE COME A LONG WAY WHAT A SWEET LOVE STORY
MEMBER THE DAYS WHEN YOU USE TO ADORE ME
ALL THE LOVING AND THE TIME YOU GAVE ME
A WEH MI AGO GET THAT FROM NOW BABY
THREE MONTHS NOW MI CAAN BELIEVE THAT YOU GONE
IS LIKE YUH LEAVE MI PON DI GREAT CHINA WALL
CANN BELIEVE SHE BAD MAN LIKE ME ALL A BAWL
A EVERY NIGHT A YOUR NAME MI CALL

CHORUS

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MISS SOMEONE
IF YOU'RE IN LOVE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
CAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE
AND YOU LOST THAT ONE IT'S HARD TO CARRY ON
SO HARD TO CARRY ON
I SAY DO YOU KNOW TO MISS SOMEONE
IF YOU'RE IN LOVE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
CAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE
AND YOU LOST THAT ONE IT HARD TO CARRY ON

VERSE 2
SO MI COME HOME FROM WORK AND THE HOUSE FELL EMPTY
NOT EVEN THE SCENT A DI FOOD FI GREET MI
MI SHOULDA PICK UP THE MESSAGE YUH A SEND MI
FROM THE DAY THAT YUH STOP DO MI LAUNDRY
THREE MONTHS NOW MI CAAN BELIEVE THAT YUH GONE
MI HOUSE EMPTY LIKE WHEN GADAFFI KEEP DANCE
MY SOUND A PLAY AND YUH NUH DEH IN A DI LAWN
WOMAN TELL MI WHICH PART YUH GONE

CHORUS REPEATS 2X

Monday, January 29, 2007

Black is the colour of my true love's hair

...
After a weekend of R&R (sans the romance), I have come home with a burgeoning ache for just that.

Not hot passionate sex, but lovemaking of the kind that you can only share with a true love.

I vividly remember the emotion, the tremendous sense of satiety, peace, fear, passion, and intense desire all wrapped up into one continuous emotion. I could dream then... about a future... about the plural concepts of us and we together. About a small and intimate country wedding, children running wild, dogs, huge vegetable gardens and growing old together on rocking chairs on a lovely countryside verandah. I saw the vision clearly- the fights, the misgivings, the rifts and the bridges that would always help us find our way back to each other- our love and our children.

These moments scare me.

But they shouldn't -at least I know my childish enthusiasm is still alive and I am still open to dreaming my most intimate dreams. Love is the dream of the young and foolish and the old and lonely- the most siginificant contribution to a meaningful existence.

Yet my love is out there... hanging bright like a star in the night...just waiting to lead me home.

I'm ready when you are.


...

Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Blue Beat







I had a quiet weekend in Montego Bay.

I read.

I slept.

I ate.

I walked.

I sunbathed.

I did some yoga.

I listened to and watched jazz in the making.




...

Monday, January 22, 2007

No Borrow Goods Round Here

I think its time I settled in a monogamous relationship... you know the "one unto another foresaking all all others" kinda relationship. I dont know about the "till death do us part" bit but I think its time I really opened up myself to love again.

It doesn't have to be passionate flaming love, in fact it better not be... you know what they say about playing with fire, and my skin is stiff rough from previous third degree burns.

So I guess I'll be looking for a respectful and spiritually rewarding relationship.

Sometimes I think I shoot myself in the foot because I come across so many great men.. but ...I dont handle compromise very well. There is one particular gent who is charming to this day but I really should have met him 20 years ago. Yes, I know I was only 6 then but I was speaking figuratively.

If anybody told me that I would be writing posts like these at 6 am, after a hiatus of three years from the long term relationship scene, what would I have said?

My life has turned out to be damn good in very many ways, of which I am very grateful but in moments like these, it sho helps to have someone beside me to wake up and mope to.


...

Sleepless in New Kingston

I have been up for a few hours after having not slept well through the night... due to a minor medical discomfort. I will have to go see my doc this morning. Which brings me to this question: why the hell do doctors have to show up to their private practice so late?, i mean for fuck sake, its bad enough that you have to wait until the next morning but waiting until 11am for them to walk in while you join the line behind those who have appointements is thoroughly frustrating!

I guess the next best thing is to find me a bf who is a doc.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

It Must be the Air

Something fabulously crazy is going on... things just seem to be aligning themselves in my life. I mean, the struggles are imminent, but in this moment, all things just seem ordered.

2007 is off with a bang. Maybe I woke up with invisible rose coloured glasses, but suddenly, the job that was such a bore and going nowhere is not so bad. Yes I could do with more leave and MUCH better health insurance but... just by showing up, I get an increase on already decent salary... that aint so bad afterall eh?

Plus dont ask me how, but I have been able to convince these people in the short time that I have been here, to increase my budget by over 125%!!! I mean, I heard Friday, but it only sank in today.

Things arent really that bad! Yes they expect me to wear suits (yuck), and closed up shoes (louder yuck), and be here at 8:30 day (screaming nasty)... but honestly, right now I can take 28 days live, can call in sick for an additional 13, could request another 7 if some close relative/ loved one kicks the bucket, get 3 for study leave, and another 7 if I have a serious personal emergency. But the best part is that I can actually plan ahead, securing a future for myself and my ma and sisters. I can plan to go to Europe in the summer and will get the leave without question.

Life is truly beautiful!!

I hope I remember I actually wrote a post like this on those days when I dont feel like getting out of bed!

Monday, January 08, 2007

No Compromising of Genes

Not becausing seh mi know seh mi have me fair share of pretty looks mean to say me going to compromise them by deh-ing wid a ugly man- no ugly man roun 'ere!

Now you think mi coulda so precocious fi fly inna God face after him bless me wid likkle good looks fi go dash it way just sake a one ugly man? No sah! If me cannot gimme pickney dem anyting, else, mi haffi gi dem a fighting chance in dis world.

How could mi as dem mumma even look inna dem face and smile much less have some ugly gremlin looking baby a breastfeed? Dem woulda must have colic because is bere bad mind milk dem woulda drink.

I dont like ugliness... and nuh cater how yuh waan pretty it up... ugly people have a very hard time getting by in dis dog-eat-dog world. Is better you born pretty and foo fool dan show up ugly...and mi ave a warning fi any potential offspring who want draw pon some latent ugly gene inna my body...if you nuh come out right, mi will simply push yuh back which part yuh come from with a note that say "return to sender." Mi nuh inna dat deh ray ray.

Me is not a ooman who gwine to defend "pretty backra massa hair" and light skin... but lawd a massy... good face and teet worth more than it weight in gold.

So ... fi all a unno.. bright sophisticated, learned, ambitious, and financially stable man who hear seh mi single and reviewing applications.... UGLY MEN NEED NOT APPLY!

More to Life Than Sex

I just read a post on girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com on casual sex and while I agree with the feminist sentiment (more power to her), I depart from her views.

I guess the more "centred" one becomes, the more sex is viewed as an expression of love and intimacy and not merely as a means to orgasm (single or multiple).

I guess we've all been through different phases, but after a while, what else is there to sex if emotions are not involved?
As Woody Allen would say, there is always sex "with the person I love the most" aka self gratification. Otherwise, sex is meaningless.

No amount of fantasies filled, toys, weird locations and freak-a-deek paraphanalia can make up for a loving human connection. Call me a simple romantic fool... but I'd rather be that than to wake up empty because the only shared meaning that I have with the dude lying next to me is a simultaneous climax.

Its hard to be so sentimental in an era where sex is such a casually detached arena.

Women are liberated and we can and often choose to sleep with a guy on the first date without the expectation of a second. Men confuse sex for intimacy and feel like all they have to do is to make a woman orgasm to maintain her interest. A man or woman who wants to wait before sex is a castaway... another freak-a-deek of a different kind.

I am not saying that we should walk around touting sainthood, but I have come to realise that there is really something worthwhile in postponing sex for as long as possible. Its definitely a huge gamble though... kinda like "buying a pussy in a bag." You never really know what you are going to get until you open the package. In spite of this, all pussies look alike in the dark, and if you really love someone, sex is the easiest thing to customize.

The real problem is that we have become so highly titilated and oversexed that we cannot think of anything else but sex. A man will spend his time and money on dating for the defined purpose of bedding a woman, and a woman accepts these dates to encourage the man to bed her. Its all about the sex.

Never mind conversation, discovery and friendship. Never mind finding out whether there is a sound platform of compatibility.

As for me and my house, we shall stay celibate...

...Aye!!... is who yuh calling hypocrite!!! Mi can tek back mi chat anytime... a fi me!!



...dont mind she

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Free, Single & Disengaged

This may sound strange, but as much as I look forward to one day marrying and having chilrun, I am completely happy with my current single status.

Seriously, my eggs have a good 10 years on them... I have time on my side.

Its fantastic to have been free to actually carve out my own identity and really get to understand who I am and what I want to be without being confined by the roles of wife and mother. Dont get me wrong, i will happily embrace those roles when the time is right... but now aint the time. Every year, i say "next year"... not such a bad deal. This year is my travelling and CRITICAL investing year.

Right now, the only thing that is important is having good company to share experiences along the way.

I am really looking forward to new experiences this year. The older I get, the more I want under my belt. Life is short and unexpected, actively living makes it more meaningful.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

New Year...New Leaves

I have a few resolutions this year... in fact, about 10 general ones and 6 devoted to fitness.

FITNESS GOALS:

1. Lose 25lbs ( I am 5'6 and 164bs currently, I can WELL afford to)
2. Be itsy bitsy bling string bikini ready (aka ripped) by Aug
3. Hike to Blue Mountain Peak
4. Take part in at least 1 5k
5. Take part in at least 1 Half Marathon
6. Practice yoga in scenic places on a weekend

GENERAL GOALS:

1. Buy property (or at least mortgage approval)
2. Submit thesis to complete masters
3. Further diversify investment portfolio and increase to 30% of income
4. Pay off credit cards, and use only one card. All monthly charges MUST be paid in FULL.
5. Get a GOOD job
6. Start my own business
7. Do more work in television
8. Travel to Ireland, London & Paris
9. Buy a digital SLR professional camera
10. Buy an iPod (yes..this is an actual goal of mine)

The camera and the iPod and travel are my three lavish items for spending.

Europe USD$4,000
Camera USD$1,300
iPod USD$ 400
TOTAL $5,700

DONT ask me how I want to get mortgage approval and buy property and STILL spend like 6,000 dollars. I guess I am REALLY going to have to hustle real hard.

Anybody want some negroid hair to buy?
 
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