Feeling trapped

I cant seem to shirk the feeling of being trapped in a career that just represses who I am.

I just want to travel, photograph, write and work on my broadcast productions. Some people make a career of that... I was on that path..and then I encountered the higher paying PR field and then voila!

Maybe if I really bought myself the camera I want and embarked on weekend expeditions I would not feel so confined creatively. But traveling within these islands, though beautiful, is rather expensive. Return tickets to one island alone is 170 and to do a mutli-island hop would be rather expensive..especially since I will not alter my life experience much.

I just feel like there is just so much of the world to see and I am just tucked away from all that is happening.

Now that I have paid off the bills, I feel like the next thing is to save for the expedition. I have wanted to travel for so long, but never had the money even when I had the time.

I have to give myself this.

I feel like so much of my career confusion will be subdued once I give myself the gift of undiluted me... just roaming and living.. not to pay bills or have responsbilities but just to live and be creative.

I just need three months.

Or maybe six.

I just need a fucking break.

Conflict Resolution

So it seems that the absolutist break up happened only in my head.

Apparently I totally misunderstood the very poorly selected words that Mr. Mention (the boyfriend) used and we finally came to an understanding. This is after I offered him his walking papers and 24 hours after the consumption of 2 bottles of horribly tasting pinot grigio (the worst I ever had).

Turns out dude wants to go on a spiritual fast that will involve chastity and introspection for 4 months. I have done the same for over one whole year so I totally identify with that but I certainly couldn't identify with all the hemming and hawing that was taking place instead of a reasonable explanation for a shift in behaviour (hence the walking papers bit).

SO , I haved definitely learnt a few things...

That spiel about women not saying EXACTLY what they want, men do that too and when they do it, it may be more devastating because we expect men to say exactly what they mean to say.

The fact that I am a trained communicator stays strictly in my professional realm. There are very few guys who can communicate as effectively naturally and they may say all the wrongs things. And when I say wrong, I mean they may say things that they dont want to say but cannot seem to find the right words to express exactly how they feel.

Breathe. Before I drink another two bottles of bad wine and break a glass and feel like everything is over. Be patient and get to the bottom of things. For communication to take place, meaning must be shared.