What is work?

Work is love made visible. (Gibran)

Work is doing what makes you happy and making a living from it.

Work is doing that which is second nature.

The turning of the tide

I have a complimentary photo shoot on Tue. I re-scheduled from tomorrow because I want to borrow a reflector from a friend of mine and play around with it until I get better at using it. I may even buy one for myself and just sign up to eat sardines and veggies for the rest of the month. Hmnn- that may not be such a bad idea. I find I spend too much money on food monthly anyway. I need to balance my budget and make way for delights other than gastronomic.

But there is good news. I have been getting callbacks- at least in the rough. Someone who saw me MC at the boat party calls me about MCing a sports competition; my resume is finally being picked up by Middle Eastern recruiters; a client promises to send out an email to pass on the word about my photography.

None of these things has been definitive, but I am grateful to even be considered at this point. My confidence was waining when I got so many "Nos" but even worse than hearing "No, you suck" is hearing nothing at all. Multiply those variables times the nearly 200 applications sent out. I even got turned down for entry level marketing jobs and ignored for jobs as a receptionist. So right now, I am just delighted that people are even giving me some consideration.

I knew in my spirit that March would see me earning an income. I even wrote it down on our finance spreadsheet. Yes. I actually make spreadsheets for personal finances. That is how I manage to keep on top of things. Thank heavens the wind is now blowing in my favour.

Make average great

The Journey through the countryside, Jamaica.

I have been watching a lot of Oprah... isn't that what houswives do? In fact, I watch a lot of TV generally. It helps to pass the hours between rising and falling and breaks the monotony of cleaning and cooking. I could also add ironing to list but I guess it's safe to say that hell is more likely to freeze over. But then again... I am a housewife so hell may already be an ice skating rink. Anyway, back to Oprah. I watched an old espisode yesterday about people's first jobs. Suzie Orman was featured along with Oprah, Kirstie Allen and Martina McBride and Orman said something that struck a chord with me: " When you make average great, your dreams can become a reality." Profound huh? Made me think long and hard. So I'ma take my best shot at being the best at what I do and all that I do. I may just be down to being wife, housewife and occasional photographer and afro hair stylist now, but I can really do each task to the best of my abilities and derive profound joys out of simple tasks.

I have been cycling for the past two days on ESC's bike. I have to readjust the seat because I am a tad shorter than he is but that is just fine by me. After all, it is waaaay more scenic and lots easier to ride on properly paved roads and cobbled sidewalks than it was to navigate the loose marl on the Island Behind God's Back. Not even a mountain bike could help.

Last night I rode to the supermarket and back. I had to pic up some blank CDs to present final proof of photo shoot to client and a toothbrush for ESC. I had used his to get rid of bubble gum off his jeans (I told you I was taking this housewife thing seriously). I also picked up a mouse to relieve the pressure in my hand when using the computer.

For some strange reason, I have been remembering a LOT of things from childhood and adulthood. It's weird. It seems that my brain finally has had a chance to relax and so all these forgotten memories are rising into my consciousness. What is really great about it is that they are mostly good memories and I am even remembering feelings about particular events, places, people and circumstances. I am also remembering my childhood dreams.

One of the things that hit me just yesterday was that I got my first production assistant summer job because I dressed up in my best fitting black jeans, boots and jeans jacket, combed my hair nicely and marched to CPTC to see Mr. Wycliff Bennett without an appointment. I told him that having begun presenting CPTC's Rappin', the teen TV show, I wanted to get a better feel of the entire production process and he gave me the job on the spot. HR found out about me a week or two later and was kinda upset but by the time I was about to leave, Mrs. Dujon got enough reviews about me to ask me to stay on. It was the same for getting into journalism school. I never cared about protocol. I just went and presented myself and I never failed that way.

Turns out that at 16, I knew better than to leave my future up to yet another letter in a huge pile. I knew I could be more commanding in person at the beginning of an executive's day than I would after letter number 63. So why on earth am I sending out all these job applications now? Television is a visual medium. People have to see you, and engage with you to feel you and they have to feel you to hire you. The letter only accompany's you on the morning that you make your unannounced visit.

I am realizing that this time at home is teaching me invaluable lessons about myself and helping me to tackle some core issues. I think that somehow, the confident 16 yo has lost some of her confidence along the way. A little dulling here and there and a little smalling up here and there to make room for those who are not so confident to not feel threatened by me and also to make people like me. Maybe maturity calls for some level of reticence but I have also restricted my own personality in the process.

I think deep down, I am not ready for a job yet. I think I need a few more months to sort through all these things that are now coming to me and to get centred and to find my footing. Something huge is about to happen to me. I can feel it. I am about to come into my own. But something tells me that I have to be still and find my peace before my dreams become my reality.

Namaste.

Tuesday's child

Today is Pumpkin Beef Soup Day in my kitchen. It takes forever for the beef stew to cook but it is such a lovely meal. I am feeling kinda soupy these days, can you tell?

Today's Green Juice

Romaine Lettuce
Celery
Pak Choi
Parsley
Carrot

Back in front of the camera

A Trini guy (Trinidadian) is putting on a weekly Caribbean theme night at a night club here and he has asked me to do some promotional interviews for him for use on facebook and his website when it launches. So tonight I will be heading there to help him. I am doing it pro bono, but at least it gives me a chance to practice. Haven't been on camera in a while and I miss it. I find that even if I take long breaks, the momet the camera starts rolling, I am back into character.

Full Circle

I have actually reviewed my approach to getting work and have decided that I will only target jobs that really interest me and not just vacancies I am competent at filling. Therefore, for the most part, I am targeting broadcast production and presentation gigs. I am best suited in a creative environment in which I have an outlet for creative expression and meet with like minds who speak the same language.

Media credits and photography are not as hard to reuse in different markets and I enjoy them.

Motivate your damn self (note to self)

Taken by Kari Alana of www.karialana.com in May Pen, Jamaica. Photograher maintains copyright. All rights reserved 2009.

FB Friend: What u been up to? Apart from being married....

Sheer Almshouse: Transitioning, re-positioning, re-inventing and adapting.

And aint that the truth in a nutshell!

It's been three months since I came to Dubai, and two months yesterday since I got married and those verbs (note present continuous tense used) have been defining my existence.

I am working on my business plan. Running into some kinks. Realising that the market I thought I had would not have access to a major part of the project... so I am back to Engineering 101. I cant say that this is such a bad thing though. I have identified the problems early, which is part of the processes of due diligence and research- and critical- when attempting anything entrepreneurial.

The learning curve spikes hourly. I am so hungry to really get to know how this place works and work with it. I am trying not to assert my own assumptions and to understand before I seek to be understood.

I think there is a market for my projects 1. a company and 2. another blog but I just have to make certain that I dot my I's and cross my T's.

It is also a major challenge that my start-up capital has been drained so I really have to be very detailed about how I will be able to capitalize these entities and project that rate at which they will grow.

I think I need to start building a time table- a schedule to guide execution since I really do have a lot of good projects, but all of which require intensive use of my hands that already hurt from using a laptop full time. Yes I should be using a desktop for somebody who is at the computer for such long hours, but that is an expense that will have to be delayed. Hmmn maybe I could think of an ergonomic keyboard in the interim?

It may be a blessing that I am not privy to huge capital injections... at least now I will have to force myself to build from ground up and make smart investments that yield sustainable ROI. This time around, I don't have a huge client up front providing me money for the startup costs or a job to help me pay for third parties. I can't afford a lawyer just yet and I can't afford a graphic designer. I can't even afford the regulated start-up fees.

I am not necessarily getting much done but I have been making more and more contacts and slowly seeing how the vision I had for my transition could actually work. It is a slow and tedious process and not always yielding of spectacular results, but if I know anything, it is that the small victories should be celebrated.

I go on a photo quest this weekend with new Brit photog friend and that will be good for both of us.

I think I need to draft a marketing communication plan for myself and use it as a guide to rollout the different things I want to do.

ESC has been uber supportive of me and allows me the luxury of being a kept woman while I sort myself out.

Right now... my time is my greatest resource. I would be smart to use it wisely.

UNRELATED: We completed stage 4 of the visa process. We are in the clear, so now it's on to the 3year renewable residency stamp. (I currently have a temp 2 month paper visa).

Plan B

The proposal was turned down by the committee. My boss is going to make further representation for them to waive any fees payable by me since I have given three months notice under the circumstances which are underlined by a general fear for my personal safety.

I started to dump stuff in the apartment today in anticipation of my departure.

I am going back home way lighter than when I came- in every way.

I have joined some gulf recruitment sites and posted my info in anticipation of finding meaningful and enjoyable work there. My intention is to find freelance gigs (for regularity and exposure) that will allow me freedom to do some professional photography on my own.

Your best friend can be your worst enemy

Who the Cap Fit (Bob Marley)

Man to man is so unjust, children:
Ya don't know who to trust.
Your worst enemy could be your best friend,
And your best friend your worse enemy.

Some will eat and drink with you,
Then behind them su-su 'pon you.
Only your friend know your secrets,
So only he could reveal it.
And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Said I throw me corn, me no call no fowl;
I saying, "Cook-cook-cook, cluk-cluk-cluk."

Some will hate you, pretend they love you now,
Then behind they try to eliminate you.
But who Jah bless, no one curse;
Thank God, we're past the worse.
Hypocrites and parasites
Will come up and take a bite.
And if your night should turn to day,
A lot of people would run away.
And who the cap fit let them wear it!
Who the (cap fit) let them (wear it)!

I had to post the lyrics to that song. It illustrates so well what I am up against here.

My closest work ally, who I actually called "friend" because I thought we clicked and we bonded over cigarettes and wine in a place where women who smoke and drink are deviants. We are both Leos, and we were good friends. That is, until she turned against me. And bwoy, did she turn against me?!

All of a sudden, Missis had a serious vendetta against me. She even tried to discredit me infront of my boss. On top of it all the malice started and the sour face and the cold shoulder turned into rock solid ice.

That melted a bit and we started speaking with civility, I even ended up lending her money because she always had money issues. Bad idea. Mind you said lady takes home double my salary. But she live big. Very big. It tooke me over a month to get it back, and I had to ask. Add cold shoulder to the mix and minus $10 from the re-payment.

Now it appears to me that something really has been brooding between Neighbour and this said person. I see a note on the ABCs of Friendhip on Missis desk signed by said Neighbour. Story come to bump. News get carry. Mix up and blender. I believe they both deserve each other's friendship. And I wish them all the best. However, it has become extremely obvious that they both really do not care much about me. No biggie.

But it seems that Missis from work is attempting to throw all her heavy weight against me. Today she never even acknowledge me presence. Dont know why she vex though. But is same way so badmind work.

All Ihave to say is..."Who Jah bless, let no man curse." Selah

Isn't it Friday yet?

I want to go home and sleep.

Isn't it Friday yet?

Fickle as pickle

I get bored easily. Is that a crime?

But seriously, I just get bored doing the same thing for too long.

I never imagined my life as one of those people who got a job out of university and retired with the same company. In fact, somehow, I saw myself with about 15-20 different careers. Many things interested me and I figured I would be able to have a lifetime of blissful career rotation.

When you are recognizably multi-talented, it is hard to confine yourself in a box for always. Imelda is PR expert extraordinaire, but is also cake baker and decorator extraordinaire, seamstress, gardener, and art and craft fandangler.

Rootical is a bursar, but sings and acts, and plays the keyboard beautifully and even tours with a famous Jamaican musical theatre group.

Harlem Mama, is a journalist, but paints and draws and writes like a novelist.

My only issue is that I no longer really like school. I spent 2 years too many on a Masters that did not (and still doesn't) interest me. he only two things I have any scholastic interest in are film and photography. And the truth is that I just need to do the tutorials for Final Cut Pro and Photoshop. I can apply the basics of television production to filmmaking, and film photography to digital. I know them both.

Am I unambitious for never wanting another 9-5 for the rest of my life?

I seriously dont want to not work (yes, double negative) but I also dont want work that is so damn routine and predicatable that it might as well be automated. My body does not function 9-5. I like flexibility. I like the idea of a series of freelance appointments and a photography practice that has me working 4 long days per week most weeks ...where I can schedule according to my convenience and the occasional powered-by-adrenaline 8-day work week.

Maybe I am just getting into that stage of life where I am preparing to have children so I have to find a flexible way of earning an income, but I just cannot do the "employed" bit anymore.

I like variety too. I guess that is why the role of an internal PR practioner bores me beyond expression. I can work with the same team for long periods but damn, can the assignments be different and exciting and challenging? PR Agency jobs far outweigh the nauseating humdrum of internal PR.

That is what I love about television production. Especially location shoots. Every shoot is different. You meet new people and discover new places and add to the great wealth of totally useless knowledge.

Imagine how I felt when walking through the hallowed halls of Harlem's Studio Museum, NY and few weeks ago andsuddenly recognizing the work of Albert Artwell, a little more than slightly crazy Jamaican artist from the hills of remote Catadupa, St. James. I interviewed him at his house years ago for a TV programme I produced and presented. His wife gave me a weed plant as a gift. I potted it. No pun intended.

That's what I mean when I say I hate 9-5s. Which effing desk job provides an experience like that?

Full stop. Comma, comma, dash dash.

I am reaaaaaaaaally trying to relax now. I mean, REALLY. I have to lower my expectations even further where work is concerned. Had an online chat with someone who has done work here.

me:
most days I am fine and then you have these vile meetings called on short notice and you realise that the undercurrent is that people have been gossiping and discussing you in your absence instead of holding fucking regular management meetings

All Rounder:
Well yes, that's why the country is in the shape it is. Everything gets started on impulse, and then nothing gets follow up. because if they did, it would all be out there

All Rounder: :
And yes, gossip IS the one and only real strong national sport. You just need to have a look at the rags that pass for newspapers there to see just how deeply ingrained that is within that culture. So even though on the surface it may look like just another English Caribbean country, you've got to make drastic adaptations to survive there. PM As far as I can see and tell, the only thing that appears to work on the long term is to develop a very thick skin, and simply learn NOT to give a shit about much that is not your own survival and gratification.

me:
thought i did so but when these things happen, I realise that I have to keep on adjusting and they are also a bunch of liars...duplicitous by nature

All Rounder:
Yes, that's be consistent with what I've just told you: it's everyone's own survival and gratification.So you've got to learn to understand that game, even if you don't wish to play it. Of course they're going to make all sorts of unreasonable demands of you - as long as you keep trying to meet them. What are they going to do if you stop jumping at everything they request - fire you?
1. Big deal
2. They won't do it, coz then they won't have anyone to do the dirty work for them.
3. Big deal

Relax. Go to the beach. Mix the other foreigners and make friends. Have some fun!

As for work, do what you can, and don't worry about what you can't do.

Bursting my bubble

The man in charge wants to see my work plan. What effing work plan? You think I make a plan other than the strategy that guides me and how I will issue these things monthly?

Effing public sector. They want to see what you INTEND to do, not what you've done.

Stupid asses.

So I must stop to update a work plan when I work alone and should have a unit of at least five to be effective.

Tschuups.

Balancing act

It is becoming increasingly difficult to balance my life where day job, entrepreneurial endeavours, finding a new day job, professional association board responsibilities, and completing my thesis are concerned. Notice I haven't even mentioned any element of a personal life, which ideally involves 6 days of intense excercise, 3 days of dance classes, daily mild yoga practice which intenfies into a scenic outdoor weekend practiced, some quality uncluttered time to write and photograph, "beat breaks" to the country or traveling overseas, curling up with fantastic books, evenings sipping good wine and listening to eclectic music, stimulating conversation, and leisure domesticated duties such as making house and cooking and entertaining.

My life is a cacophony of too much activity. I seem to like it that way. Lie. I love it that way. I thrive on adrenaline. I push hard and work hard but cannot seem to strecth the hours and energy to play hard.

That's where this balancing act comes in. My personal life suffers. Mind you, I am not talking in the limited scope of a relationship but rather in the general manner of nurturing ME. This is not to say that a relationship is not on my list of things personal. its just that at this point, I dont have one "up in my face," for want of a much better phrase.

My mind is too cluttered to facilitate peaceful slumber and I am at my wits end doing a job for which my passion has long expired. I am unhappy with it and it is taking a huge toll on me psychologically.

I am one of those people who has simply got to do what she loves. I cannot be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and I cannot have a job simply for the sake of having a pay cheque at the end of the month. This state I am now in is quite like being forced to be in a relationship by external forces such as duress. I know all too well that quitting before I secure another is far from sagacious- a lesson learned twice over. It took me two times to get this shy.

So where does this bring me? To a level of anxiety that makes me very uncomfortable. I have a second interview tomorrow and I have a nervous stomach. At this point, all my eggs are on this new opportunity, I met them once and now they want to see me twice. I guess they like somethings about me, but they like somethings about somebody else too because now we are shortlisted to two.

I know that I should be anxious for nothing. But right now, that is easier said than done. In fact, I find that I am anxious about all the things in my life that I care about, and that's not so good is it? On one hand, it appears that there is a lack of centredness and faith which propels this fear, but on the other hand, as I know in show business, if you aint nervous, be scared. If the cameras start rolling and there isn't a wee bit of fluttering in your stomach, something is wrong and you are pretty much guaranteed a poor performance. Nervous energy as I was taught, is just additional energy that you just have to channel elsewhere so that you can really shine. Hmmmn.. maybe its the same coin then.

Writing is sooooooooooo important to me. It seems like the more I write, the clearer I get, and the more I discover about myself.

Having said all that, I still need to find a way to make all this work and not only work but harmonise. Too much dissonance nuh good. I cannot focus only on my career. As much as it brings me tremendous satisfaction, my work cannot be my only joy. There are other things that bring me happiness, and the more I find time for them, the greater the spread of happiness and the more content I will be.

Balance. Simple, yet profound to the overwhelmingly workaholic.

Will I therefore just shut down this computer and go to bed, or will I find time to sort out some paper work for my business and maybe throw in a chapter of reading for my thesis? Hmmmn.. I dont feel like sleeping anyway.

Compromise. An important word in relationships (especially the one with your cluttered self missy). I will spend half hour finalising paper work and then do 45mins of a dance routine on dvd. If i feel invigorated and not woedfully tired afterward, I will read that book to put me to sleep.


Hmmm.... I like this. Feeling better already.




...

More work? Pay me more!!!

I usually have some thought in mind when I beging a post. Not this time. I am just tired ...long day at work and the monthly feminine trappings loom at my doorstep.

I am trying to be more calm and collected in my day to day activities.. especially as it relates to the bablylonia that is my workplace. Now that I have a mission to adhere to, it seems more tolerable.

They want to reassign me to take on addditional managerial duties but if it comes with a hefty increase, I may just cave in. That means reporting for work at 8:30 and dressing up on a more consistent basis though. But hell, if I will be able to save for a European tour, a new mac laptop, a semi-professional digital SLR and an iPod, well honey, I will in at 8! Well at least for the first three months.

Sanity Break

I need a timeout from reality to preserve my sanity. I believe I am walking a very thin line and I fear that I may cross over without even knowing it.

This job can turn a sober man into the village drunk.

If I were born into money,I could quit my job today and spend my efforts launching and running my own firm and pursuing my own happiness instead of pining daily in a kind of non-existence, making no contribution to anything, being valued for nothing as I bide my time in search of meaningful work.

Money isnt everything but it sho brings power. With power comes choice and with choice comes destiny.

Sigh... I feel a combination of intensly vicious anger, spiralling depression and silent bewilderment. I feel like I have wasted my year professionally and its time to move on. The only thing is that I cannot seem to find a fucking job and it is getting on my last fucking nerve!

If I could find one good client who is willing to hire my company on retainer, the rest would be history.

I have a dream about opening an office downtown Kingston and up in the hills of St. Andrew, bringing fresh (yet unspilled) blood to the downtown restoration initiative.

I am in the process of bidding for a contract to produce a feature for prime time morning television and I should have a series of training videos to do for a company.

I dont think I can honestly navigate the politics of a 9-5 anymore. I am just not cut out for it. That was the beauty of being a freelancer in media and then an executive in an agency... I got lots of work done without the commonplace workplace drama.

I just need a few consultancy roles. I will file my own income taxes, and provide my own pension and health insurance. Fuck employers. I want clients.

All into context

I am returning to work today after my two day sanity break. I called in to my assistant and got upset just discussing the inefficiencies on the job.

I am smoking a cigarette and i have to admit that it just tastes nasty. I guess its high time I quit - for good.

My plumbing is out because the dudes who were putting in new kitchen cabinetry broke a pipe. Have left countless messages for my landlord. I have no water. Was actually contemplating going to work without a wash but maybe that's not such a great way to start my day.

So I have to relax and remember to BREATHE. I should have spent 5 mins doing sun salutations instead of smoking that damn cigarette. Tired of smelling and feeling like an ashtray. Have to learn to handle stress better than to resort to cancer sticks. Plus I realise that there is a direct correlation with smoking and gaining weight... I must be the only person who this happens to.

I am looking at starting a new excercise routine in March. I think I will resume dance classes sometime in Feb.

Inspite of all that comes my way today, I will try to stay floating on my back, so that even if I get thrown into the deep ocean, I can still keep my head above water. No sense in tiring myself trying to swim 5000 miles to shore. Help must and will come.

All things work together for good.



...

It Must be the Air

Something fabulously crazy is going on... things just seem to be aligning themselves in my life. I mean, the struggles are imminent, but in this moment, all things just seem ordered.

2007 is off with a bang. Maybe I woke up with invisible rose coloured glasses, but suddenly, the job that was such a bore and going nowhere is not so bad. Yes I could do with more leave and MUCH better health insurance but... just by showing up, I get an increase on already decent salary... that aint so bad afterall eh?

Plus dont ask me how, but I have been able to convince these people in the short time that I have been here, to increase my budget by over 125%!!! I mean, I heard Friday, but it only sank in today.

Things arent really that bad! Yes they expect me to wear suits (yuck), and closed up shoes (louder yuck), and be here at 8:30 day (screaming nasty)... but honestly, right now I can take 28 days live, can call in sick for an additional 13, could request another 7 if some close relative/ loved one kicks the bucket, get 3 for study leave, and another 7 if I have a serious personal emergency. But the best part is that I can actually plan ahead, securing a future for myself and my ma and sisters. I can plan to go to Europe in the summer and will get the leave without question.

Life is truly beautiful!!

I hope I remember I actually wrote a post like this on those days when I dont feel like getting out of bed!