When it rains ....it pours

You know that I have been underemployed here and have been looking for meaningful work for this time and nothing right? Consider this conundrum. I just got a job. Teaching 3-4 year olds so adorable you could bunch them up with a head of lettuce and eat them. The hours are great. I get to still have my freedom everyday from 2pm. So what is this dilemma? ESC just received a verbal offer for a job (a promotion and a fast-track development plan for him to advance to Exec Chef status in 2 years). Still no conflict observed? Try a different country for size.

We are waiting to see what the offer on paper will be. The person offering him the job is also trying to ensure that I get one also because if you thought I was on the Island Behind God's Back before, this one is Way Beyond God's Back. So unlike Dubai where I can happily dabble in a little photography and read a be a woman of pleasurable leisure let's just say this other place will be 'otherwise."

Either way you take it, both elements are really good news! I get to earn my own money. So ESC would buy me a car (because the job is all the way in another Emirate) but I would be able to make car payments. I have learned that we work not only for money but for sanity. Don't ask me if a bunch of Arabic speaking toddlers are going to provide much stimulation, I just know that I would have 20 of my biggest fans at work instead of the corporate bitches to contend with. But also, I have to seriously continue to tend to my career because anything can happen. Four hands are better than two.

On the other hand, ESC's career would benefit GREATLY and we could be pregnant by the end of that assignment (InShalah) while he scouts for an EXec position that would take care of family. Plus he will have more time in two years to spend with his family. And the perks would REALLY kick in. I could also get an opportunity to enter the hospitality industry which is not a bad idea if I am going to be moving up and down the globe with him. I am also thinking of getting my certification in Nutrition and Fitness whether we stay or go as another way to enter the industry and get freelance jobs when raising our family. You know me, I think short, medium and long. I also find a way to incorporate all my skills into something marketable in the long run. If we went, we would also be able to save because God knows we wouldn't have to spend much unless we were traveling. So that means that we could put down something to put towards a home for when we have sink deeper routes. He is currently in the negotiation process and the post hasn't been advertised. The GM is impressed with his resume and the Exec Chef is the one personally recruiting him.

Another thing is that my visa is tied to his so if and when he goes... there will I be also. The blessing is that we are making the final decision as a team with lots of continued prayer on the matter. The fact is that we already surrendered the issue to God so it is only a matter of time before the way is made clear.

After a really rough day...

This has been a very rough day for me.

Sometimes, I think that God deliberately throws me battles so that I can get a reality check and put Him back in the picture. When He is in the picture, I know with conviction that the battle is not mine but His, and when I have sidelined Him, I get worried about minor obstacles in this life’s journey.

I think in spite of all the struggles I have gone through since I have been here, it was good for me to come here. I have been growing an incredible lot, and there is much more room for growth.

My psychological mettle is being tested. My spiritual mettle is being tested. My professional mettle is being tested. And all have been found wanting.

In many ways, this has been a weaning period from all the comforts and support systemthat I am used to. Like falling back on family and friends when times get rough. Here, I don’t have anyone to fall on but myself and God.

And that is why my spirituality is so important. If I do not keep close to God, I am not led by Him, but by my own will, which is very disastrous. I can accomplish so little on my own, but with the power of the omniscient (all knowing) omnipotent (all powerful) Him in the midst of disaster. And that is by no means good enough.

Professionally, I have come into a situation that is itself a turn-off. I have no budget, no authority and nobody really understands what I am supposed to be doing despite my numerous attempts to educate them. I have been miserable because I realise that I cannot accomplish what I came here to do, and feel cheated because they lied. But I stopped there when I should not have. I stopped at the point of frustration, not doing what I could, and representing myself to the best of my ability because so much was wrong with the equation. But that is not what I was called to do.

I was called to be among them, though not of them. To rise to my own standards in spite of theirs. To display all it is that I have learnt and not get caught up with the petty issues.

Yes I miss home. Yes I am lonely. Yes I could really use a hug right now. But none of that validates behaving like a yub yub when I have been called to be a princess.

It is hard though.

It is hard to find motivation deep within when there are so many elements in the environment that suck out every drive you have. I think I have been battling depression and have been successful in not falling head down into it, but I am not without scars and wear and tear in the process.

I am very ambivalent about my career. Public Relations is not what I dreamt I would be doing when I grew up. I was just good at it and learnt quickly and had very adaptable skills, so I did well. But the truth is that I am bored.

I just want a job I love.

I love public relations- for the right company or product, but I also love media.

I have stayed corporate because I make more money than in media, and media standards in Jamaica have fallen incredibly, which is itself frustrating if you love what you do. I don’t like working in the public sector because nothing really ever gets done. I left my first public sector job after six months because I went to work everyday and did nothing and felt bad about collecting a pay cheque under false pretences.

I am not cut out for office politics. I just want to be left to do what I do best.

I started the company, but I had too many personal debts to endure dry periods when no income was coming in.

So I guess, it all takes me back to why I am here- to work to pay off my bills so that I can be free to make my next move without encumbrances (burdens or impediment). And so, I need to do what it is that I have to do here, so that I can leave here better than I came here- financially free!

When I am there, at that momentous point in my adult journey, I will be able to critically assess where I am, and where I want to go professionally. Until then, I just have to stay put and get myself focused on the bigger picture.

God is with me, and in the toughest times, he will lift me up and carry me right through the hottest of hell.

When I do what I need to do, then the foundation will be laid for me to examine my next move and for me to really do some introspection to find out “what next?” for me.

I just wanted to share.

Thanks for listening.

Defining Quietude

I have been very quiet over the past two months and all within good reason.

I have been trying to get in touch with myself.

There's lots I want to say but I don't have the means to say it.

Maybe I should stick to blogging all things political and lay off the personal discovery bit. But that wouldn't be me would it? I am not polarised in my thoughts. After all I believe that all writing, including fiction is autobiographical.

My professional life is going splendidly. New job is extremely promising. In fact, for the very first time in my life, I feel "at home" on a job. I feel like I can stay there and grow there, and I really respect and like the people I work with.

The business I had started is doing well (even though I am not actively involved) because I have put people in to manage it and to work the day to day.

My personal life.... that's a whole story which I dont have the time or wherewithal to explore this morning.



...

All that jazz

I notice that I have been posting on love a lot these days. Hmmn.. deep...

Anyway, single life is bound to get to any fiercely independent woman after a while.

Its nice to have someone to share with, cook for, lyme with, travel with, romp with, fight with and all that jazz.

Anyway.. i tired. Long day doing a job I despise. I am going to go off into Paradise by Toni Morrison.

It Must be the Air

Something fabulously crazy is going on... things just seem to be aligning themselves in my life. I mean, the struggles are imminent, but in this moment, all things just seem ordered.

2007 is off with a bang. Maybe I woke up with invisible rose coloured glasses, but suddenly, the job that was such a bore and going nowhere is not so bad. Yes I could do with more leave and MUCH better health insurance but... just by showing up, I get an increase on already decent salary... that aint so bad afterall eh?

Plus dont ask me how, but I have been able to convince these people in the short time that I have been here, to increase my budget by over 125%!!! I mean, I heard Friday, but it only sank in today.

Things arent really that bad! Yes they expect me to wear suits (yuck), and closed up shoes (louder yuck), and be here at 8:30 day (screaming nasty)... but honestly, right now I can take 28 days live, can call in sick for an additional 13, could request another 7 if some close relative/ loved one kicks the bucket, get 3 for study leave, and another 7 if I have a serious personal emergency. But the best part is that I can actually plan ahead, securing a future for myself and my ma and sisters. I can plan to go to Europe in the summer and will get the leave without question.

Life is truly beautiful!!

I hope I remember I actually wrote a post like this on those days when I dont feel like getting out of bed!