Feeling kinda low

I am not sure why.

It is likely linked to hormonal changes linked to my change in diet and TOM.

I know that I have been excessively irritated this TOM and now it has escalated into a case of the mean reds.

I feel like I want a break. I just want to stay home for the rest of the week and veg... but we have a demo on Sat so I will have to either feel better by then or simply get my game face on. I hope I feel better.

I feel like I want to cry but I am afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop.

This too, shall pass.

Selah.

A new frienie fren fren for Sheer Almshouse!

Remember that lady I told you about yesterday? I think she could be what I have been hoping for!

My age (I usually prefer older friends but hey)... married this year... most time housewife/part time consultant... former career woman who earned the bigger salary...fighting depression about the immense changes...makes her own juices...goes walking in the mornings to lift her spirits...has lots of time... a sense of adventure...first generation caribbean (and from an island that is just friendly generally... and the piece de resistance..... she lives in my neighbourhood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up feeling all sorry for myself this morning and ESC hugged me and kissed me and reassured me of his support and demanded that I take up Frenie Fren Fren's offer to go walking and not head immediately back to bed as I had become custom to do. I grunted, moaned, groaned and prayed she wouldn't call. I turned off my cell phone. He turned it back on. He said he would call her himself if he had to. Oooohh so man sexy... I should have jumped him and made him late for work!

Clearly I am in better spirits now, and that is solely contributed to the fact that we went walking aorund the neighbourhood for all of 90 mins and I even managed to go to a brand new grocer's that she introduced me to and get carrots at a rate of about 1/3 of my usual price. Clearly I got many. I needed to anyway... been having stomach issues that have been disturbing my sleep. And if you know me, you know that when my sleep is disturbed, nothing can be more depressing... Hmmm... I need to stick a pin there to explore at a later date.

Anyway... I am just happy to feel like misself again..

Dubai weather at this time of the year is absolutely fantastic!!!

The life is back in Sheer Almshouse

I was right. I am happy. Incredibly so. I slept VERY well last night.

Everyone is telling me that I sound MUCH better. Even Daddykin said "You sound MUCH brighter!" Easy Skanking Chef said "You are laughing all the time, and you even sound giddy." Sounds like I am in love right? I am.

I knew that my depression was purely environmental and just leaving all that behind would have been better for me. The overwhelming cloud of heaviness has lifted so much so that I have already re-disovered my joy for life.

Home is my anti-depressant. And love and laughter, the best medicine.

I am eating well again, after a crazy week of not paying close attention to my fitness goals. I am back on track with renewed fervor.

It's funny because I was alone last night, I had no company, but still, I am in great spirits.

It's not that I could not have seen people, but I was too tired to be up and down or to have late visitors. I am still tired, and figure it will be so for the rest of the weekend, but I am content in my fatigue. I will eat well and get in lots of sleep to recover from two weeks of sleeplessness and two months of despair.

I got a few good hugs already and it's just lovely to feel sexy again.

As tired as I was, I made sure to head straight to the hairdresser after unpacking and having a healthy lunch of whole wheat madras chicken roti and fresh coconut water straight from the husk. As much as I am 25lbs heavier than when I left last year, I can't walk around Jamaica in the same drudgery. My hair has to look good. And my 25lbs are feeling good because I have got my oomph back.

I got some Herbalife green tea from K.Azikiwe yesterday and he is supposed to give me some organic vitamins soon. He also gave me my very first Otahite apple ( a wonderful variety found in Jamaica) and a very sweet home grown banana.

I am about to dig in to my very first Julie mango in a year (my favourite mango). Thankfully, my cousin left just one in the fridge for me. She knows me well enough to leave more because I really cant help myself with them, and will eat several in one go. At least now I can pace myself.

I saw it in the fridge last night decided to leave it for breakfast, so that I can enjoy it fully.

Got to go. I have a date with a big, sexy, juicy mango who is giving me eyes from across the room!

Shopping spree

I have had really good weekend. I will write about that later. Here is my shopping list for anti-depressant foods:

1. Cold pressed Flaxseed oil
2. Wheat germ
3. Salmon
4, Parsley
5. Watercress
6. Local basil
7. Vine-ripened tomatoes
8. Wild rice
9. Brown rice
10. Light, fat free yogurt with live cultures
12. Pears
13. Whole wheat sandwhich buns
14. Romaine lettuce
14. Raw pumpkins seeds
15. Raw pecan nuts
16. Raisins
17. Dried apricots
18. Scotch bonnet peppers

And for personal care:
Hair colour
Cocoa butter

Yes. God... poor likkle me

My friend just reminded me that it is when we are weakest, that God's power is made known.

I am going to go meditate on that.

She reminded me of the footprints in the sand.

His grace is sufficient for me.

Boiling Point

What happens to the the brain when it reaches boiling point? Like protein, it coagulates.

I am not well.

I am really desperately trying to hold on.

Time is going by so slowly though.

I cant believe I still have a full week before 2 months.

I am going to the fancier island for this holiday weekend with the hope of giving myself a mental sanity break. I pray to God that it works.

No bones provided

There is a direct co-relation to me being here and me being essentially underachieving. I seem to be able to encounter days with haze and glide through them, getting absolutely nothing done- at least not in my usual uber efficient way. My thoughts are running a mile a minute and I cannot even finish a magazine.

I have to clean. I have to cook some tasteless pre-packaged food. I have to go for a ride. I have to organize and upload some more photos. I have to re-visit my thesis. I have to bathe. I have to moisturize my dry skin that itches with eczema. I have to unpack my bags. I have to figure out how to get $17 to deposit into the bank by Monday to save myself the embarrassment of a bounced cheque. I have to figure out how I will survive on no cash until an elusive pay day. I have to do my accounts. I have to go to the ABM to check to see if there could possibly be a nook in my accounts that I may have tucked some cash in and forgotten about. I have to call back Daddy. I have to call Uncle Roger. I have to call Aunty Gem. I have to go pick up the estimate for car repairs. I have to search for the colour code of my blue-purple car. I have to fill out the insurance claim sheet. I have to fax all documents to the insurance brokers. I have to go and pick up food from the Jamaican restaurant for today and tomorrow. I have to clean the fridge so that I can store the food because even though I cleaned it before I left, I forgot to leave the doors open. I have to bathe in stinky water. I have to read all the books I brought back. I have to write. So why is it that they only thing I want to do is to go back to bed?

I guess that is why I have managed to put on so much weight since I have been here. I have been too depressed to do anything at all. I have great intentions and enough motivation, but there is a disconnect between the first two and simple implementation. I was so bubbly and up and down and always on the go on my vacation, and now, I am back to being a big blob of nothing.

Really, how can one place drain one's spirit so quickly? I haven't even taken my camera out of the bag. I have these very short bursts of interest and energy... but they last what seems like nano seconds.

I cant open windows and doors because it means letting in even more sand and mice in addition to the light and air that everybody needs for health.

I am beginning to see that places, like people have spirits. And just like how peoples' spirits may not take to each other, they may also not take to a place and vice versa.

I guess it's the same reason why you can land in a country or village and think immediately "I could live here," or "There is no way in hell that I could live here." The land either agrees with you or it fiercely disagrees. There is no middle ground or indifference. But even that would be better than what I am facing.

This place is just not healthy for me. I have too many emotional, spiritual and physical roadblocks. This place causes cancer of the spirit.

I like to move. So why am I so damn sedentary? I must get out.

Confession of a "less care" woman

I had to do something before something do me.

Hotlanta Cousin convinced me earlier in the week that bathing was a good idea. I was literally immobilized when the melodrama of the last weekend sank in. I listened... and cried because I realised in that moment that I was more depressed than I thought. I lit the thick white candles, and hooked up the 23rd psalm by Morgan Heritage & Buju Banton and I pulled out my kosher homemade lemon grass soap from Imelda and I did about 7 cycles of soaping up and rinsing off.

Today, I applied the same care to my eyebrows, giving them the best tweezing since December. I will tackle leg hairs tomorrow.

According to Imelda, I been "less care" misself. The irony is that she has hell to get me out of the house on time in Jamaica when we are going anywhere as I am always titivating in the bathroom.

But this place brings out a little different in me. It's kinda scary on some level. But can you imagine just how much more these women would hate me if I religiously tweezed my brows or shaved my legs?

I shoveled out the sand out of my house, sorted laundry and I actually played music. For the first time all week, I played music. Threw out the trash. And I am about to change my sheets. I still have not gone further than my gate all week. I am sure if I mentioned before that I was on compassionate leave. I still cry too easily.

I am still one tough bitch... but when you are fighting such a bitch of an opponent, you are bound to get a few solid licks and to get the wind knocked out of you from time to time. This wont kill me. For sure.

I need some love. No lie. This is just damn sad. Really sad. And I am not writing this to appeal for sympathy, but just to let you know that I have my moments. This is my therapy. Its easier for me to write than to talk sometimes. I really miss Easy Skanking Chef. Especially a night. I miss my mother. I miss everybody. Just to have an ounce of love in this dessert would mean so much. Nights are still hard.

Ok...Buena Vista Social Club is playing now and I am going to force myself to dance while I make my bed.

Reflections In Absentia

The Mother Hen was told, and like a true mother hen, she set about praying, armed with the backative of an entire church on fasting for one whom Mother Hen describes as "too good a child for any bad ting fi happen to."

During all this, my depression lifted.

I did not wake up crying this morning. I even managed to pluck hairs from my chin. But even though my fate is sealed as a bearded old lady, I am not so certain where it is sealed here in the midst of all the melodrama.

With the depression lifted, I am feeling like Sheer Almshouse again (no pun intended). So I am also thinking like Sheer Almshouse.

Imelda and I had a series of good chats about the whole issue. Enlightening as usual. She understood my desire to leave in the midst of the worst economic depression of my twentysomething life because I was afraid. She knows I am not a scaredy cat. And with the inclusion of sharp cutting tools and the piercing of my tires, a simple prank turned into a sinister, devious, and brutal personal crime in her view.

I am not certain what I am really going to do. It is too early to say. I have of course reviewed my options and discussed with Easy Skanking Chef. He would prefer if I leave, because he is powerless to protect me from so far, but he knows there is just no absolute in a time like now, and in the meantime, he prays. He is of course a chef, and the restaurant and hospitality industry is feeling the recession all the way to hell and back. No future is certain. Job tenure is present, but not necessarily continuous.

I had a visitor from work today. She came twice. Give her credit where credit is due. No one else has even called, except the boss who was himself on the crime scene in his weekend khaki shorts on Saturday.

So, I still don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them. And I still don't want people around me.

My compassionate leave is indefinite. I am not certain when I will be ready to work. If it were closer to payday, I would go to NYC and DC and get a break to really think about my options (and collect the camera). I was thinking that taking a trip is not a good idea when I want to leave, but I am no longer so thoroughly convinced that leaving is the best thing for me at this point either. I am ambivalent.

The only thing I know for certain is that I need time. So now that I don't feel so muddled, I am going to pray and meditate on things and wait to see what settles right in my spirit. Mother Hen taught me from very young to listen to it.

Sinking in

I woke up to an overcast sky, with water-filled clouds just waiting to be pricked. So I decided not to ride my bicycle to work. So I am home. I have SMSed the man in charge and told him that I am working remotely. Which I am. I had already set up my work email so I could access from many different locations especially since most networks go down here pretty regularly.

I will however have to ride down to the MIS department which is much closer to home to send out some public notices.

Bedtime and mornings are not good for me these days. I mean I was never a morning person but for the past few mornings, I have awaken in a state of depression. It comes right at me long before I can consciously fight it off, and I am left in a muddle for the significant part of my lighted day. It's just hard to wrap my head around the possibility that someone/people could hate me so much and could come so close to me and I didn't even know it.

I have spoken with the police. Again, no leads. They say "to the best of [their] knowledge" they have made contact with the neighbours. The neighbours saw nothing. I told them that under those situations, I felt vulnerable and extremely exposed, especially since I had not done anything to anyone to warrant such a vile act of hatred to be rendered upon my property. I went as far as confessing that I have not borrowed or stolen anybody's husband/ boyfriend, or any man for that matter and that I live a rather reclusive lifestyle since my partner is not in the country.

Officer understood and says that he and others have been stepping up patrols in the area. Last night I heard a vehicle at 4 am but I was too tired to get up to look who was driving on my road. BTW, I live on a cul-de-sac so I cannot imagine it being hard for anyone to notice something strange in the middle of the night.

I have been talking to the insurance company too. They just need the police statement and the pictures. The former will take up to the end of the week. Don't ask me why. I already have the photos at hand. There are talks of deductibles, yadda, yadda, yadda, and the damage may be below the threshold. And so... I may have to foot this one out of pocket.

My Accountable Friend who has moved back home (and who should be credited for encouraging me to insure this car comprehensively) advises that I should not sell the car until I am ready to leave. That way, I will not confine myself to depending on others for trips to the supermarket and mobility during the rain. I am contemplating that option.

The landlord says she has ordered motion sensor lights. When the car is movable, I will have to get it compounded to remove the paint. Thank heavens it was water-based. I will also park it inside the yard and get chains and locks for the three gates. It means that anybody who wants to come in will have to jump the fence. It's low, but should at least be a deterrent. The addition of motion sensor lights will make it more secure.

I could also get a highly sensitive motion sensor alarm for the car. My friend, Splaagy Specialist recommends one of those portable flashlight alarms to keep in the house. These come at a premium ("un-budgeted") cost to me, especially since even basic things are really expensive here.

I honestly do not feel like seeing anybody for the remainder of the week. I wish I could get the week on some compassionate leave or something. I just need time to collect myself properly. I am not altogether ready to face a public whose rumour mill will be tied up wondering whose husband I must be screwing.

And I do not want rides from people either, so I prefer to either ride my bicycle, or not go anywhere at all.

Roller Coaster

It's official. I am depressed. And this of "the mean reds" kind- too blue for the blues.

Usually this has to do with a man breaking my heart (one asshole in particular-the elusive ex).

This time, it is just me. And that is the problem. The sheer isolation, abject lonliness, and not even a challenging job and drinking partners to balance the emotional tide.

I am having meltdowns in between hazes of peace and traquility. When I'm up, I'm down, and when I'm down, I am in the molten lava in the earth's core. And when I am halfway up, I might as be halfway down.

Fuck intestinal fortitude.

I want to go home.

Early to bed

I am going to bed now. 6:30pm on a Sunday evening. There is nothing to do, and I dont want anything to do.

I went to bed after 3 this morning watching Sex and the City. I watched seasons 3 & 4 between fri and sat. Woke up at midday today.

I got really lonely last night. I even managed to cry myself to sleep.

Old ghosts came back haunting, displacing the little equilibrium I managed to find over the past two days.

Have only eaten crackers, vienna sausage from the tin and solomon gundy and cereal. Have no apetite even though I cooked a chicken wing recipe for Easy Skanking Chef. I could only manage to bring myself to taste the sauce but I have a pot of chicken wings that I have no interest in eating.

I smoked 1 1/2 packs of cigarettes between yesterday and today.

I just feel tired.

I am going to have some lemonade and head to bed and dream of the white light shining at the end of this tunnel.

I know I have a bright future ahead of me... I see glimpses of it through my spiritual eye.

Until then, I live in each moment.