The trailing spouse: this woman's story

My cousin asked very poignant questions about the possibility of me packing up and moving again to follow ESC and where in all that would I find a place for my own dreams. I answered her comment directly but I am posting parts of it here because I thought others may be wondering the same thing.

I am living my own dream, even if it is while trailing his. Fact: I love to travel. Fact: I dream about living all over. Fact: He is more likely, based on his own career choice to be the one who will easily get work.

We decided before we got married that we would spend several years living the expatriate life, soaking up the experiences and then eventually settle down when we had children who were ready for school.

I made a choice to come over on his visa because the other choice was him on mine since the jobs that he was interested in nearby me had dried up due to recession. I decided that I didn't want to start off a marriage with an emasculated man and since he was willing to give it all up to come and be with me, I decided not to let him and come instead.

There are a million zillion things and dreams I have and marriage doesn't stop me from reaching them. In fact, my marriage is the conduit for a lot of them.

We are BOTH making sacrifices for the first three (or so ) years of our union that will have a HUGE impact on our lives later on.

Fact: His hours are RIDICULOUSLY long. Longer than even those in the same industry in the Caribbean. Fact, the quicker he gets higher, the more time we will have together.

Fact: His next appointment is seeking to place me also so I will have my own work even in the midst of him rising. It makes sense for me to transition into the industry to ensure long term job placement as his trailing spouse.

Fact: Even when he reaches Exec Chef, he will have really long hours, it would be wise to ensure that I have a chance to work part-time so that I can satisfy my desire to work part-time when we have children because the two of us cannot be hard hitting at our careers and raise a balanced family.

Fact: Even if he reaches Exec Chef and I decided that I wanted to head back full force into the game- switching Mom jeans for a smart business suit- after being sick of trailing him he would be willing to put his career on hold for me and mind the chilrun.

Fact: Two of us cannot give the same output at the same time due to the nature of our careers and expect anything but a failed relationship.

Friendship in the desert

I now know, without any doubt, that I was made to work. Why? Because I have got too much going on in my head to be left too long to my own devices and if I must live away from those with whom long phone calls are customary, I should earn enough for the massive phone bill.

I know I should give a call to somebody in a mood like this but my only true friend is away in the UK on a short vacay. I think I want to go spend a couple days with her when she comes back. I could use some authentic, genuine energy and ESC could use some sleep and a break from the girlie conversations that i force on him.

The reality of moving hemispheres

I miss my world... this one I now live in has become so much larger than me that sometimes it's hard to see the speckle I represent in a crowd.

I miss my family, friends, my safe places, my hugs.

I miss the conversations- chatting on the phone until your neck hurts and the battery runs out.

I miss the connection.. being part of a community bigger than myself, being there to celebrate in the victories and empathize the defeat of others.

I miss driving to Mo Bay in my own car. I miss driving to Portland. I miss the calming effect of being both by the sea and in the lush green majestic hills.

I miss the fact that almost every waking minute seems like a dramatic climax. A woman walking down the road in something made for the stage, the audience commentary in the theatre, the back chat, and the strange women who will come up behind you and pull up your slip.

I love my country. I love my people. I know that times are hard there. Times are hard everywhere but the sun still shines there doesn't it?
Rhone wrote a classic screenplay about Jamaicans who traveled abroad in search of "a better life," dispelling the myth of "foreign being the 'Land of Milk and Honey.' "

There is good and bad in foreign. Foreign broadens your horizons and expands your worldview- two things that I believe are priceless in human development. It may also come with some financial reward which makes building that mansion in Cherry Gardens that much more accessible even if it takes you all your working life to save for it. But these things come at a cost. Sometimes a very huge one.

It is hard to leave home and return the same. We change with our experiences and we find ourselves altered for better or worse. Home changes too. While you were away getting on with your life, so was home. New roads, communities, politics, challenges and even babies now stand and look you in the eye and you weren't there while it was all happening.

Parang in Dubai

Yesterday, I went to visit a lovely and vivacious Trini lady, her hobbyist photog Brit hubby and their daughter whofa eyes and expression are a photog's dream (on the hook up of mi cousin in Cayman). One word? Inspiration!

Missis, all though Miss Trini Parang said dinner was not a fuss, I had my fill of Trini Pelau, fried plaintains, tossed salad with raisins and corn pie and vino a plenty!

I had a really fantabulous time! Great conversation and all.... and you know what... it turns out that they too were on the Island Behind God's Back- though on the more popular one of the chain and not as much as twice removed from God's back as I was.

So now ESC and I have a lunch date next week with them and I have found an artical sistren who is loads of fun and a well-matched partner who fancies Dutty Stinking Shabba (their words:) ). He has done some really amazing work and actually has printed and framed a lot of them. She has a background in F& B herself and so she understands the dynamics of the demands and the kind of passion ESC has for his craft. We have spoken of photo trips... I am so excited!

I will have you know that yours truly took the trip from one end of Dubai to the next to their house alone! Yup! Talk about a learning curve! For three months, I only took cabs from the supermarket in my neighbood, and the first time I venture out on my own, I go across the entire length of Dubai from the first train stop till the last! Trust me, there is no comparison in terms of costs because a cab would have cost about AED75 and the train and 2 bus combo cost me like AED7.

So yes, I am coming out of my little shell. This reminds me of Imelda's little saying..."The shell has to break before the bird can fly."

Expat Spouses Can Resume Their Careers Once Abroad

I stumbled upon this site and have re-posted this article as inspiration to myself and others. Of all the expat portals out there, this is my new favourite. Meaningful, grounded sister love to enlighten, entertain and soothe with the appointed salve.


Expat Spouses Can Resume Their Careers Once Abroad
(C) www.expatwomen.com

By Mary Kissel
Sandy Johnson was an unlikely expatriate when she moved to Singapore with her husband in the 1980s. With little prior experience abroad -- save an occasional trip to Mexico and a whirlwind tour of Europe as a teenager -- the Texas City, Texas, native found herself in a foreign country without a work permit or social network. What's more, her husband's oil-field services company, like many others, didn't provide expatriate spouses with job-hunting assistance.

Moving abroad can be tough on expatriate employees, but often it's just as hard -- if not harder -- on accompanying spouses or partners, who may have given up their careers to go overseas.

Undeterred, Ms. Johnson sought out volunteer opportunities. Soon, she was managing Singapore's American Women's Association, a not-for-profit with more than 1,000 members. Through her new professional connections, she landed a job as a marketing manager with International SOS, a Singapore and London-based medical and emergency assistance company, and embarked on a 20-year career with the organization. "The opportunity presented itself to me because I had done the networking," says Ms. Johnson, now a senior executive with International SOS in Philadelphia.

Unlike couples moving within the U.S., "trailing" expatriate spouses may not be able to secure necessary permits to work in their new country or know how to develop a social network to create such opportunities. What's more, an expat spouse's unhappiness can impinge upon his or her partner's professional success.

Unraveling Assignments

Statistics tell a disheartening story about trailing expat spouses. In a recent study co-authored by Willamette University and Cendant Mobility, almost 60% of the 548 surveyed "globally mobile" employees complained that lack of career opportunities for spouses and partners diminished their overall quality of life. And many relocation consultants say anecdotally that about half of all failed assignments are due to family problems.

Companies have been slow to address this issue. Less than half of nearly 150 multinational companies' human-resources departments profiled in Cendant's 2004 Policy and Practices study "typically" provide spousal assistance. Such assistance may range from a lump-sum payment to help with job hunting to work permits or career counseling, although few companies offer all these benefits.

"What's ironic is that [spousal assistance] is typically offered to high-level executives, but very often, the people who most need the spouse assistance aren't the high-level executives -- it's the low-level employees who will more frequently have dual-career families," says Lisa Johnson, Cendant's director of consulting services. Adds Rick Schwartz, president and chief executive officer of GMAC Relocation Services: "This is a really tough issue. We don't see clients doing a lot of real substantive work in this area, not because they don't want to, but because it's so complicated."

Involve Your Partner

With companies providing so little help, prospective expatriates should first ensure that their spouses understand what moving abroad means for their careers and lifestyle, says Susan Ginsberg, head of global business development for Ricklin-Echikson Associates (REA), a Milburn, N.J.-based firm that specializes in career assistance for expatriate partners and spouses. Don't surprise your spouse and say, "By the way, we're going to Japan," Ms. Ginsberg says wryly. "Request and require that the accompanying partner is included in the decision-making process."

Before you leave, devise a plan for how you'll introduce your potentially unemployed partner to new work colleagues or friends abroad. Partners used to working may feel uncomfortable to be introduced now as a "housewife" or "house husband."

Start Small, Think Big

For trailing spouses who want to remain employed, finding a job abroad may be challenging, but it isn't impossible. Some companies provide job-search assistance to partners or outsource this task to firms such as REA. Their assistance may include a range of services -- offering counseling on how to secure a work permit or get involved in the community, information on upcoming business conferences, or lists of classes to augment job skills.

But even if you're totally on your own, experienced expats say networking and imagination are the keys to success. "Be willing to take a nonpaying, skill-base-stretching opportunity, and one thing leads to another," says Ms. Johnson.

When Charlene "Cha Cha" Williams moved to Jakarta, Indonesia, in 1996 with her husband, James, she found it difficult to get a work permit. Rather than wrestle with government bureaucracy, Ms. Williams took language classes, volunteered at the local zoo and joined the local women's association. On a group outing to a mountain resort north of Jakarta, she spotted an unusual looking basket in a hotel gift shop. Curious, she bought it, and at home with the help of the family's gardener, "dismantled it and re-mantled it and started producing them."

Soon, Ms. Williams was leading a small not-for-profit that produced more than 1,000 baskets a year, selling them to expatriates, and even exporting a few to Australia. The venture tripled her local Indonesian workers' incomes. Ms. Williams went on to found a spa in Jakarta with her sister (also an expat), who helped her get a work permit. "I think you can make whatever you want to out your expatriate life," Ms. Williams says.

Where to Go for Help

If you're going abroad, always first explore benefits offered by your partner's company. If no assistance is provided, consider taking these steps to facilitate finding a job, meaningful work or study abroad:

A Few Tips:

If you're going abroad, always first explore benefits offered by your partner's company. If no assistance is provided, consider taking these steps to facilitate finding a job, meaningful work or study abroad:

Before you leave, research the location. Find out if it's possible to get a work permit. If so, ask your partner's company if it can help you arrange the paperwork.

Check out such Web sites as www.asiaexpat.com or www.expatica.com, which have chat rooms or billboards with job listings.

Contact the local U.S. [seemingly veered towards US citizen but insert you own here or another that may have diplomatic ties with your country] embassy immediately upon arrival. Embassy staff often can help expats integrate into the local community.

Once you're there, get involved in local organizations, community groups, faith-based communities, or schools. Don't be fooled by names -- the British Women's Association, for example, often accepts non-British members.