The woman and her all-consuming passion

For the past 6-8 weeks, I have been sort of taking serious lessons in photography.

It started with research into the imaging system that best suited me and then it took on a whole life of it's own.

Seriously, I cannot remember when any one thing has excited me so much...especially without direct stimulation.

I haven't put my forefinger on a shutter of an SLR since the Cricket World Cup in the Caribbean. That was 2007 I believe. It was the camera of my Guyanese media friend, and I missed a lot of great shots at the opening ceremony in Trelawny, Jamaica because it was the first time I was setting hands on that camera and with the low and fast fading light, shooting from the stands was iffy. I managed at a later date to get a fantastic portrait of him, which he prides as his best ever. We are not as friendly as we once were, but that photo stills a frame of a bond that once was. Such is the power of photography.

My learning curve has been spiking and will spike even further when I get my hands on my baby. I have already named him. Che Mandela Fidel Obama Manley. A big name for a rebel who will revolutionize my earthly and ethereal existence.

I have always been in love with photography, but I had managed to push my love aside in the chase for all things more practical. Long before I got involved in the television business, I used to watch movies and search out the names of Directors of Photography and look at how each shot in a well-shot feature was a beautifully composed photo.

I am in perpetual wanderlust. I don't fantasize about sex anywhere as much as I do about photography. Thank heavens Easy Skanking Chef does not read this blog. Then again he could say the same about food.

It is amazing how life is. It's almost as if I tucked this part of me so far away that I only had faint memories hidden in an old hat box in my closet.

When I jumped off the corporate ladder, it was to pursue much of the same but only on my own terms and to integrate broadcasting more. I set up a communication firm to do PR for clients and get back into broadcast programming. No where did photography factor.

The same about writing. I knew there was a book in me, but had no real idea that I had a voice, much less stylings that anyone would find remotely interesting.

But something really started happening deep down inside me when I started writing this blog. And the more I wrote, the truer I became. Writing was my conduit to the inner me- the trench through which the longings of my soul poured out from sub-conscious to conscious.

It also shifted all the energy I put into long emails to my ex boyfriends...which looking back were desperate attempts for an audience for my self-expression. I hardly write those anymore, and not because I love any less.

The combination of isolation and opportunity on this Island Behind God's Back has encouraged me to write more and to explore who I really am underneath it all. Ironically, though writing on this blog and my radio show are my only creative outlets, I am feeling my creativity in a very profound way.

As hard as things are, and as rough as they get sometimes, I do think this relationship presents a real good synergy for both ESC and myself. We are both inspired.

And I have gotten happier...just being me.

There will be more photos on this blog once I can Che in my hands. I promise. I have been following the tutorials on him... because it's one thing to get a man, it's another to put him to god use. Until then, there will be a helluva lot of sheer orgasmic fantasy.

Feeling trapped

I cant seem to shirk the feeling of being trapped in a career that just represses who I am.

I just want to travel, photograph, write and work on my broadcast productions. Some people make a career of that... I was on that path..and then I encountered the higher paying PR field and then voila!

Maybe if I really bought myself the camera I want and embarked on weekend expeditions I would not feel so confined creatively. But traveling within these islands, though beautiful, is rather expensive. Return tickets to one island alone is 170 and to do a mutli-island hop would be rather expensive..especially since I will not alter my life experience much.

I just feel like there is just so much of the world to see and I am just tucked away from all that is happening.

Now that I have paid off the bills, I feel like the next thing is to save for the expedition. I have wanted to travel for so long, but never had the money even when I had the time.

I have to give myself this.

I feel like so much of my career confusion will be subdued once I give myself the gift of undiluted me... just roaming and living.. not to pay bills or have responsbilities but just to live and be creative.

I just need three months.

Or maybe six.

I just need a fucking break.

10 day love...

There is a lot going on in my love life at this time and I dont know whats going to happen. I am trying not to sweat it and enjoy each moment, but Lord knows I am nervous. I think its because I feel so strongly and so certain.

I have so much to learn.

The fact is the only two things that are certain in life are uncertainty and death, but one still has to dream.

What good is love without passion? And on the other hand, what good is passion without control?

According to Khalil Gibran (yes I am quoting the big man himself yet again cause profundity necessitates reinforcement):

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction. Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.




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