Self-confrontation

There is a lot that I have not said over the past month (after all, a month ago today I arrived in my Jamaica and forgot everything about blogsphere). But writing for me has become a part of my existence, and while I can put it off for more pressing commitments, I must get back to it for personal release.

I miss the words. The sound of the keys as I strike them in unconsious and semi-conscious dexterity... expressing not only what I know to be so, but also what I didn't even realise was true.

This is my most honest space, so much so that I would rather not say anything than fluff over what is real. And this is why it is anonymous. My identity is only revealed to a select few, even though this blog is published publicly.

I am not sure I know what exactly I feel like blogging about. I dont feel like talking about the experience in Jamaica, though it was a spiritually and "moodically" uplifting one.

I think I am in a very strange phase... I am trying to tap into some deep level personal growth during a time of abject loneliness and isolation.

I think more than ever (if ever that was possible)... but I am left to my thoughts quite a bit so I have no choice. I am reading like I did when I was studying literature, only this time I get to make my own required reading list. I write more than ever... and I think even my photography expresses more than ever.

I am also dreaming more and my deja vu has even returned! I am getting closer to the real me.

I guess what I have been trying to do then is to dig channels within and without to connect more meaningfully to myself and the world with which I relate.

Life is for living... and living is a choice.

Even though I have been presented with a wonderful opportunity to share my life in a relationship with one whom I call "friend" in addition to "partner", I feel also a distinct desire to maintain my separateness even in our collectiveness.

I guess this is the essence of my current struggle. It has been a while since I have had any relationship and even longer since I embraced a healthy one. I know that my responsibilty lies to myself in ensuring that it remains healthy and in addition, allows both of us to reach greater heights of spritual growth.

I have been learning about myself, and understanding myself more deeply, questioning my motivations and my relations with the external. As a result, I am slowly, finding my footing and getting closer to my own truth.

I think, for the very first time, I can really honestly say that I have become a woman. It's kinda strange... I know... but neither natural nor societal law dictate when one truly steps into adulthood. I have acted like an adult for a long time, and firstborns ususally grow up fast. In the process, I lost a significant part of my childhood and had to retrace the steps to catch up.

I no longer want to be more than I am. I no longer want to be older than I am. I am happy to be as I am, knowing that my growth with continue as my life experiences allow.

I have my human struggles and almost daily I fight a valiant war against the depressiveness of this isolated existence, and I slowly find peace in the midst of lonleliness.

I am not lonely because I am unloved. To the contrary, I am lonely because I am very loved, and miss the free two-way expression of this love with my biological and spiritual families and friends. But I am learning to embrace this loneliness, not as evil, but good.

It is the vehicle for which I can explore the depths of who I truly am and what I truly want out of this life.

Call it a spritual hermitage if you wish, and me a student of life.