Sunday, June 14, 2009

Knowing when to leave

One of the hardest things in life is walking away from relationships that are not healthy, but in which you have invested the vast majority of your emotional portfolio. As hard as it may be, sticking around long past the expiry date is much worse.

I am aware that I have developed some patterns as a result of a previous relationship which soured for so long that it permeated my psyche and working through that baggage now erodes all the blessings of that union.

I am usually a walk away and don't look back gal but I made a very bad exception to that rule. But the rule is there for a reason. If you walk away once, it is for a reason. Don't go back. As my mother used to drill into my head "Good, better, best." You move on and moving on means letting go.

I know so many sister friends and brothers who too have romanticized situations to the effect of slowly poisoning themselves. The more extreme cases usually end up with a body and a prison sentence, or two bodies. Others have children who are so traumatized that they never really lead normal lives.

Love doesn't hurt. And that whole long suffering bit in the bible wasn't meant to be a Joan of Arc re-enactment. This is not homeopathy either, what kills you doesn't necessarily cure you.

But often the damage is hard to access while you are in the midst of the roller coaster drama. But you have to trust your intelligence. The heart muddles decisions, and often we make bad ones based on feeling than on what we know to be true. Sometimes the truth hurts too much and it is easier to sugar coat it than to admit to ourselves that we are in a bad way.

I believe that spiritual ties are made with those you sleep with and those are hard to break. Lying with somebody is never just a physical experience, no matter how liberated your worldview. You enter into a spiritual bond and it's not always good. You can sometimes take on their drama, their demons, to add to your own personal struggle.

I am not sure why I am writing this, but I felt led to do so.

It may be lonely to be alone but nothing is lonelier than being in an unfulfilling relationship. Love is about commitment to another's spiritual growth as much as your own (as defined by Dr. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled). Newsflash, if it is killing your spirit, it isn't love.

Relationships are hard work because we each have our own personal crosses to bear and when we put them together, it can be a rather heavy load. That is why choosing partners carefully is important. But we are not always right. This is why break-ups and divorces happen everyday. Sometimes, walking away is simply the best option. Do not be afraid to take it if you know that this is your truth.

3 comments:

Azikiwe said...

...I don't think you can be hurt again as long as you remain cognisant of this FINE and TRUE to life notation ! I think you really got this anomaly called love in the 20/20. Sometimes I try to think if we could chemically extract love and anger from our lives maybe the world would be "better". But I think for everyone's preservation of sanity that no one should ever love anyone more than themselves and parties intimately involved should love and handle their happiness and health as first priority only then will both parties understand the precarious state of this emotion called love...
When you marry never give it all...people change...persons evolve...

Michelle said...

Powerful post, Sheer. You hit on so many truths.

Being a martyr for any form of love isn't love.

I walked away from a friend last week. He'd been slowly inching down the friend-love ladder for two years and I'd just been remembering the past and denying the present - that he really was not a friend anymore.

Walking away can take more courage than staying.

Kathy said...

Ditto!

 
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