Sunday, November 30, 2008

Like a Virgin

This whole relationship is making me feel quite virginal. There are so many firsts its unbelievable. This is strange, coming from me who thought myself wise enough to write a sex column.

But seriously though, things have intensified between Easy Skanking Chef and myself and he has expressed his readiness to me thee wed next year. While no ring has yet been placed on my finger, I wonder about a few things.

Just how important is lingerie really? Arent cutesie nighties acceptable and even mor romantic 95% of the time? Wouldn't the surprise element be lost if you wore lingerie to bed everynight?

It also seems that nature has a well-timed sense of humour as it relates to my sex life. Everytime I guaranteed to me some good Marvin Gaye style loving, my cycle intervenes. How is it possible that I have 10 nights with a man for the first time in four months and my cycle lodges smack dab in between? It was the same when he visited me in Summer, but luckily, he stayed for all of three weeks. But do you know the absolute frustration involved when you aint getting none, and every time you supposed to get, braps- Kiature?

I have been reading up so much on relationship and sex and now I have to add period and birth control and all those delights to it.

Did you know you could "prepone" a period instead of postponing it? Well, I learnt that last night. All the postponement remedies involved hormonal supplementation and quite frankly, what is the point of delaying a period if you going to bloat, be nauseated, have cramps, headaches, acne, and maybe some breakthrough bleeding anyway? Furthermore, smoking women cannot safely use any hormone supplement over 35 and the mini-pill could cause the above side effects. On top of all that, I have a family history of lumpy breasts and my favourite aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26. So hormones are a no go for me.

It seems therefore that even when I get married, condoms will have to be the mainstay of our sexlife. Either that or one of us does the snip snip.

Anyway, I am going to have to go and steep a handful of fresh parsley in cup of boling water for 30 mins and drink it 4 times per day to bring on the period. If that does not work, I will have to do ginger and yarrow. Only I dont know what yarrow is nor where to get it, and as a Jamaican, drinking ginger tea is a regular habbit and I never saw a period because of it before, so I really dont think that will work for me.

On top of that, I will call my doctor and ask how to proceed. There is NO way that I am going to be thrilled about having my period cut 10 days of nookie into 4!

A so me say!


Azikiwe said...

...put in an IUD girl !...

Anonymous said...

Never tried it ... the one man who mattered this much (NY) firmly told me not to interfere with nature
However there is a Jamaican old wives cure...drink blue (the little cubes for white clothes rinsing). I don't think it even exists any more. I will definitely ask those in the know for suggestions.

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