Saturday, November 29, 2008

A new wave?

I find myself reading up alot about relationships these days- and all related issues. Because mine is long-distance, I read up a lot on those too. It turns out that very many people have a lot to say about relationships, including that of the American first couple to be.

This blog has always been about anything and everything that I felt like giving voice to. Sometimes, it has been meaningful, other times not. Sometimes funny, others grave. Most times happy and hopeful and rarely, sad.

I find myself coming into a new wave. And it's interesting.

Having taken all of 7 years and one too many meltdowns, I walked away from my ex at the beginnig of the year. Hindsight- best thing I ever did.

But 7 years of being in relationship purgatory (between being "in a relationship" and "not"- and more "not" than "in") did take a toll in my sense of reality.

I find that my rekindled relationship with Easy Skanking Chef, though separated by time and space, is going very well. Almost too well. And therein lies a bit of irony.

I have finally created the personal environment to nurture a happy and healthy relationship. This after spending my adult life in bad relationships doomed for failure. So when did all of this growth and self awareness come? And from where? It certainly was not due to previous experience.

Could it be that the bad times really help us to find our way to better times and that struggles help us to eliminate what is not good for us?

The other day I was so thrilled to see calalloo on a menu in a place that doesnt grow it, that I ordered it and had a few mouthfuls before I remembered how grossly sick eating canned callaloo had made me previously, thinking of all the stomach pains and two-day suffering and I put my fork down.

I guess I have also put the fork down on all the relationship melodrama too, having not only tasted the effect, but having a play-by-play memory of all the heartache. I have already tasted and seen what's not good, so I can move on to better choices.

For long enough did I date unavailable men, many of whom who should not have been taken home to my apartment much less to the parents. But I sure did have my fun too!

And that's the thing- that ying always balances with yang, even when the fulcrum my not appear to be properly centred. Seven lost years turned out to be perfect timing for this new relationship.

I have always said (since I discovered the scripture in my most devout spiritual days) that all things work for good for them who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

I have never since questioned God's love or my calling.

I have had a fair deal of hiccups, obstacles, trials, longsuffering, whatever noun you want to give to Holly Golightly's "Mean Reds," but weathering them and coming through them have made me a much better person.

I have learnt a few things on the way, and outside of scripture, the most profound thing that I have heard is "be present."

Sharon, my Shakti yogi introduced me to this concept years ago in the midst of a really tough time. Awareness in the moment is worth more than rumination or mindless dreaming. I am still working on that but that is what life is for- striving for self-perfection, though knowing that it is impossible and giving yourself kudos for taking your best shot even on your most fucked up days and then trying to rise above it in the next present moment. It was indeed an epiphany (even the midst of writing the Un-Zen "fuck.")

It seems my life is filled with these epiphanies. Christians call them revelations. Either way, it is the Aha! Moment of seeing something differently. Some may never be interested in Aha! Moments because they prefer to stick on the shallow side of the thought pool, but I could never be that person.

One of the things about being an only child for nine years, is that you really become comfortable with having your own thoughts and your own company. I can sometimes be in a room and not there and used to even travel in the middle of conversations but I am getting better at the latter.

Speaking of space, I find that I am slowly getting to relish the quietude of being alone at home all the time and not having anyone here (except when it's bedtime). It is a good thing that I am not going to be here indefinitely because I could see myself turning into a career hermit. And for my personality, something tells me that may be a little unhealthy :)

This ended up being a much longer post than I intended, but the thoughts have won the battle. And creativity must find its release. And inspiration, its voice.


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