Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Digging Deep and Cleaning Out

It's amazing how life is.

I am going through every paper I have in my pack rat possession. Honestly, as I look across the room, I feel like dumping everything that's out on the floor because I still find myself trying to find reasons to hold on to junk.

I am not moving with more than one box.

(Yes I am moving).

I am not taking any books either.

Whatever I want to keep must be able to hold in a water proof storage container that will stay by my mother's.

I am tired, but I have to finish this tonight. It's hard and my back hurts but I am only thinking of how much better I will feel when all this is sorted.

I am being forced to live in a minimalist way.

Can you believe I actually want to keep papers that are available online? What the hell is wrong with me? I NEVER really get around to keeping them anyway!


When will I learn?

Well I know I got it from my mother because she still has my baby nappies and artwork from when I was 5. Truth be told, I am grateful for that because seeing them now brings a sweet smile, with the recognition that I was born creative. In fact, I am going to take 3 pieces of artwork with me and frame them.

I was obsessed with drawing flowers for longer than I realised!

It's good to be going through my things, though. I am seeing sides of myself that I forgot existed. I am seeing sides of other loved ones that no longer exist (at least for my viewing).

Reading old love letter, old conversations, old diary entries...

Seeing just how deeply I loved and how that love was almost to my undoing, but I how I still found a way to hold it together.

Remembering the passing of my favourite aunt, who was more like my sister. May is the 4th anniversary of her transition. I miss her. I wish I could have a chat with her now. She would be so happy for me and all the new opportunities that have now been presented before me.

As I type this, tears flow into my eyes.

I have wanted to cry for some time. I have just had so much change and so many things going on that at times I really honestly and truly feel incredibly overwhelmed.

I feel my body holding tension. I seem to be stronger than before. I really want to holler but all I can do is sigh and blink away tears.

I know I need to let them out. And I am afraid that they will come out at the wrong time... but I am not going to force it either.

Looking back on everything, I realise that I never always did the right thing, but I did the best I could. I am a strong woman. Passionate, loyal, emotional, impatient but strong.

I have loved in my lifetime... to depths that I never knew existed. What could be more beautiful than being able to feel that way about somebody?

Yes it didnt work out ... but hasn't that turned out for good too? Yes it took a LOT of pain AND drama, to get here... to this place of serenity... but it was worth it. All of it. The good and the bad. Absolutely no regrets.

I made tough choices, but was true to my heart and mindful of my parents and family.

Change is really good.

It forces you to take stock of what is, what was, and to use all that to channel into the possibilities that could be.

The end of this loooooooong chapter is finally taking shape. It has had its dramatic climax and now, we craft the ending. But as it, it is still unwritten.


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