Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sleepless in Kingston

I went to bed after midnight and had trouble falling back asleep when I woke up at 4 am. It's extremely difficult to get back into my lonely existence after a long stay in Mo Bay.

I guess I am that-lonely in Kingston, an isolation that comes from several things. It comes from living alone in an area in which I somehow feel removed from everyone because it's no longer easy to go hang out by my cousins or friends nearby or vice versa.

It is also true that my dear friend, who I stay with in Mo Bay, has been so wonderful to be around and her family has become an extension of mine.

It also comes from being closer to some really harsh realities: I remain single because I refuse to settle for less than I want, and the fact that what I want at this point isn't on offer. I am not looking for utopia. I just know exactly what I want, and don't want to settle with situations of compromise.

Maybe I have focused too little on God over the past few years and I need to turn to him to fight my battles. I have done a crap job on my own.

The tussle is not physical. It is highly spiritual one and I need to build my spiritual strength, because the worst may have yet to come.

I am so happy that I have cut down on mind altering substances like alcohol. In fact, I hardly drink alcohol again. I think it was primarily due to my lack of disposable income. I cannot afford to go out and have drinks anymore and I dont like the idea of my friends taking the tab. Neither do I have the money to stock wines at home. What has resulted is that I have developed an appreciation for always having a clear mind, and have just done away with people and circumstances that you have to "loosen up" to tolerate. A lot of meeting friends/business associates for after work drinks was simply to cover the loneliness of going home after a long, hard day's work to an empty apartment-yet again. I also dont have those kinds of days and work environments to distress over.

My only problem is the smoking... and its more a filler than anything. I need to eat properly, resume my daily yoga, meditation and devotion, and find my centre and kick the habit for good.

Thank heavens today is Sunday. I am going to church. I need some spiritual food this morning. I need a comforting message.

1 comments:

Harlem Mama said...

faith in the Lord will lead you to love, I believe that. but hope Him don't lead you to one nuff country man like mi tek up here. lawd mi waan know what on earth Him was tinkin. be specific in prayer.
a joke mi a joke.
stop the blasted smokin gyal.

 
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