Monday, February 04, 2008

One Day at a Time...

I am not sure if it is getting "easier" to deal with the situation in which I have put myself, or if it's just that I am getting better at suppressing my feelings.

I still want what I want... essentially happiness... and I find I am pretty much happy as I am.

I have my bouts of loneliness, I mean sheer deep longing, and weakened moments when I curl up and cry...and there are times when my own sobs lull me like lullabies to sleep. There are also times when I cry so hard that I cant sleep.

I find that keeping busy is my solace.

I have taken up a sexual fast so I have had to pretty much concentrate on finding my own centre. No need to further confuse my issues by having sex. The truth is that I want love, not sex. Orgasms are easy enough to come by, on a personal note. Its all the other stuff that's hard.

I have been meeting all the wrong people because I have been attracting and only been attracted to those who couldn't make it. It's sad. I think as much as I cry about being alone at 27 (every time I think my age, I think 28. Its hard to remember that I haven't quite reached there yet) I am extremely picky about who I want to be with.

I have already accepted the fact that I could very well wind up an old spinster with too many house pets. At least I will get to travel -well, if I wont have separation anxiety from my beloved pets. Even so, solitude is a small price to pay for not compromising on the things that are important to me.

I have realised that if a man REALLY wants you, 'aint no frigging mountain high enough to keep him from getting to you. If he creates the mountains himself, or walks away at the slightest disturbance, he is just looking for an easy escape route. What's the use in being in a relationship in which you cant say if this could be the day when mister man walks out for good?

I have made so many excuses for this particular man for so long that I have run out of them. And I have also run out of excuses for myself too. Its as though I am holding on to Cinderella's prince and glass shoes, and haven't realised that the coach and horses have changes back into a pumpkin and rats and that the fabulous gown has disappeared and I am back in my dirty rags scrubbing the floor.

I write all this to remember that when I was 21, I fell in love with a man, and when we broke up, I never stopped loving him, and he sorta moved on, we kept on seeing each other, and I have held on and hoping for the day when he will "sort [himself] out and fix things." The thing is that, he hasn't sorted anything out, the situation has only gotten more complicated and nothing has been fixed.

Note to self: when a relationship ends, move the fuck on!!

Now I find myself in a REAL conundrum as I dont even know how to sever the soul ties which have become so strong its unbelievable.

The truth is that even having written all that, I still hope that there is a way and a day that we will be back together. Surely that must be easier than moving on?


Kalisia said...

Time to move on. It seems you think that he is more important than you. You are unhappy. You would be unhappy forever. He can't make you happy. You be happy, and then you meet someone who shares and enhances your happiness. stop playing the fool.

Copyright 2009 TwentySomething+ Monologue. Powered by Blogger Blogger Templates create by Deluxe Templates. WP by Masterplan