Friday, February 15, 2008

The Other Side of the Lake

"The grass is not always green on the other side of the lake." My stepmother would say that to me repeatedly as I child as I would gaze in wanderlust about all the things and achievements of people whose very accomplishments, seemed to put them on "the other side" of my own middle class existence.

As I struggled through to the end of my childhood as I knew it, to adoloscence, then early adulthood, and then now into supposedly real adulthood, nothing could ring truer.

The grass is not always greener on the other side of the lake.

Today isn't a good day for me.

I guess I should post more on good days so that it doesn't always seem as if I am perpetually in a funk- because I am not. I just have good days and bad days. And today aint so great. My mood has been as melancholy as the weather has been since morning- overcast-hinting rain, but the level of impending downpour still uncertain.

But, alas, I need to get over this heaviness.

I have been very ill. Couldnt keep anything down. My insides are still sore from all the sustained wretching and heaving. And I am tired.

I wanted to get away for the weekend. A Montego Bay getaway. But with my electric bill reaching the equiv of USD$100, I feel like I have to pinch even those dollars.

So maybe quitting my cushie corporate job and struggling on my own wasn't such a smart move after all. What good is having time and flexibility if you never have the money to utililize either effectively?

I feel like my life is meaningless. I mean I know it has meaning to other people, but what about meaning for me? I guess this is why people my age usually fall in love, get married, and have children in search of those blissful moments of "purpose" and "meaning" but outside of turning into a cat lady, what is the single woman's reprieve?

So I wanted to make my own films. So I wanted to go to film school. So I wanted to travel the world and write and film about it.

I also want a damn salary, from which I can pay my bills, invest, and have projected earnings.

I am struggling financially, and it makes my personal struggles that much harder. I am in the struggle alone and that's a bitch.

Money isnt everything, but it sure helps to not have to worry about how the hell I am going to cover this month's expenses.

But I wont despair. This isn't going to last forever. God realised that I still had a bit of growing up to do.

Life is still very disappointing as a grown up. Why exactly did I waste so much energy dreaming of growing up when I was younger?

Dreaming is foolishness. You just have to do what you gotta do to survive, and find out out of what you do and stop damn daydreaming about things over which you have no power to exact with precision.

So... for today, and for the reflection and introspection of this moment, I give thankts. I am one step closer to finding my truth.


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