Getting there...

My radio programme went very well last night. I guess it helps to run through the entire playlist. The only thing is that I talked little in comparison to my debut show. But I was more comfortable. I didn't have the massive attack of opening jitters, though my heart was racing... it was just a flush of energy that I managed to convert to positive vibes.

I am missing Easy Skanking Chef less as I get involved in creating my own life experiences during this time of separation. I am trying to make my existence meaningful even though I have to be pulling tricks out a hat to do so.

My Blackberry has died a sudden death on me.

I haven't backedup and I fear losing close to 1000 contacts. I believe there has to be a way to some back up from the software so I am going to look for the CD install it on my mac later this evening. Yes, this is close to two years after I got the damn phone in the first place :).

I know better. I even learnt to back up contacts in Media School. My professor warned us to painstakingly keep several copies of contact info in several places because once lost, some can never be replaced. It has taken me years to amass these contacts, and while I have some in my rolodex, I haven't updated my rolodex in two years because well.. I have a BlackBerry that's why!

So now, I have no means of communication, and I refuse to spend on another phone for a few reasons:

1... having taken 3/4 advance on January's salary prior to my Jamaican trip in December, I am broke.

2. Even if I had the money, I would feel very hard pressed to spend it on a phone. My company has distributed BlackBerry phones to people who dont even SMS much less read or send email, and refuse to give me, the person responsible for the public relations of the entire government, one. So, if they want me, they will just have to wait until they see me...or send me an email and I will respond when I get back into office eventually.

3. I am really trying to save up for a digital SLR pro camera. Right now, this is even more important than making that trip to Jamaica to meet up with Easy Skanking Chef. I'm doing me first. And this is personal gratification denied for long enough. Seeing him for a little over a week will do nothing to really boost our relationship. It's like touch and go. And plus going to Jamaica is likely to cost me as much as the entire cost of the camera. Hmmmn... that is the first time I ever thought of it.. but it's true. I have to find ways of making my life more meaningful as it is. When he goes his way, and I return here, I will be broke and bored yet again. So that's it then... no trip to Jamaica in March for me. Of course, ESC does not know this yet because I have only just made up my mind... but even he would offer to pay my ticket, I would rather have the cash. If he wants to see me in March, he will have to find his way here.

4. I don buy phones. I have always got them. I think I may have bought two phones ever... and only one with my money. The BlackBerry was a company expense (and an expense it was!) but it was necessary for me being the CEO and only full-time employee of a communication firm. Even my cordless home phone was a gift. You wanna talk to me? Buy me a phone.

5. I cant afford a BlackBerry and once you go Black, you cant go back. I am a ditz with other phones. And to be honest, I would rather do without. If that makes me a cell phone snob then so be it.

There are a few reasons why I want the camera so bad. I have been having serious pangs to return to artistic photography for years and I cant put it off any longer. I am finally going to be in a position where I dont owe student loans etc... so I can. And I plan to travel quite a bit this year and I want to have my tool with me to capture the experiences.

Where am I planning to go?
1. Trinidad for Taco Bell's wedding (my sorority sister and friend) in September
2. Dubai for the month of Ramadan (which is right after Taco's wedding and likely to be the same trip
3. New York (on some cheap ticket to pick up my camera and see my family)
4. Jamaica for Christmas and New Year's.

I am going to be selfish this year. I am putting me and my best interests at heart. There is much that ESC has to get together to prove to me that he is ready for the long haul. But the relationship is still young, and I believe that we both could benefit individually from continued separation. As for the relationship, it may be a heavy and burdensome load... but the thing is that we both have to stand firmly on our own footing before we are ready for all this togetherness bit.

I dont want to compromise my last hurrah before my life becomes filled with plural personal pronouns.

I have been looking for a job in Dubai, but I honestly don't think I am ready. If, for any reason, I lose my job, then I may go and spend some months there with him on vacation, but I don't want to move into his place permanently until we are married. If I can get a job there and have my own independence, fine but otherwise, I will always feel as if I have invaded his space... and I don't want that.

As far as money is concerned, I have learnt to think of my spending in very practical ways: Will it enhance my life experience significantly? Can I afford it? Can I REAALLY afford it?

I also want to upgrade my Mac to a MacBook Pro but that will have to come much later, especially with all the traveling.

At this point, the only thing that is set in stone is that come hell or high water, I am going to buy me a camera I want. Everything else is subject to change.