Till death do us part

We have had a rough patch this week, but have worked it through and stand stronger as a result. The thing about love and marriage is that when it's bad, it's awful. So awful that you cannot see beyond the immediate chaos... but then... if you are lucky... you get to have someone who is committed to making it work... no matter what. That is the difference between marriage and divorce. It isn't that some marriages are perfect, but that some wholly imperfect marriages are blessed with the commitment to work tough times through.

The thee me wed

Sometimes marriage takes more out of me than I think I want to give.

Sometimes I feel as if my exit strategy wasn't so convoluted, I would have made my way out.

Sometimes I feel like I should expend as much energy on said strategy as on the marriage itself.

Sometimes self-preservation trumps procreation.

The egos of men

Men have egos that are often times bigger than the sum total of all their parts- of which actual working brain matter is a scant fraction.

I knew this before but nowhere do you find more evidence than in the sanctity of marriage... when a bachelor' wings are clipped to prevent straying.

I find the lot of men grossly inappropriate when dealing with the opposite sex. Men unwittingly weave themselves into sticky situations and then wonder how on earth they got all that icky stuff on them. Duh!

What is it about being coupled that makes some men feel so in need of attention and affection of women other than theirs?

Automatically, the wife/girlfriend becomes the anecdotal dragon and stories get rearranged craftily to position the man as a prince in distress, opining to the sensibilities of the woman whose attention/affection/empathy he seeks.

"Oh poor you. Did she really hold out on you after surgery? If you were my man, I would never do that! I would make certain you were rushed back into surgery after getting your stitches ruptured. After all, a good woman NEVER says 'No' to her husband. You know what, even though you are married, if you were nearby, I would help you out."

The foolish woman doesn't realize that she has been pity-played by a cunning manipulator and now he has gotten her to sponge wipe his massive ego. He doesn't tell her of the numerous times he has put off his wife's/girlfriend's advances and how his inability to handle those requests due to him being tired from his super exhausting job has been the bone of much contention. No.... for his stories to other women, the wife is always portrayed in some degree of frigidity and he is of course the hot, raunchy sex god who just wants to give it good and regular! Ha!

Women, don't be fooled. When you hear coupled men uttering any veiled complaints about their women, tell them to sort out their business at home and stop twisting stories for the ear of every other woman. It is very likely to be bullshit. This is the reason married men are always "going to leave" lives, or their "relationship is on the rocks," or they are "waiting for the right moment to leave."

There are those men who fabricate these hard luck relationship stories as part of some justification for flirting and flirting only. But even so, sometimes the flirting goes to a level that would make a reformed prostitute blush. There are others, who have every inclination to take it as far as you will allow. Everybody has problems in relationships. Every human relationship will have moments of strain and weakness, you just have to make certain that you are not a pawn in a chess game in which you have no chance of ever coming out winner.

If I had a dollar for every newly married man who increased felicitations in direct correlation with complaints about new wives having headaches, periods, or not satisfying them sexually, I would be a wealthy woman. But nothing is more disgusting than a newlywed who is already looking outside of his marriage to build his egolust.

As Ma would say, if a man is complaining about his wife ... just nip it in the bud and say "Leave her and come." If she is so bad, he would be doing everybody a favour.

The sacrifices of a modern woman with an old-fashioned heart

Marriage is sacrifice. Full stop. Comma, comma, dash-dash.

I gave up my job and a link in my career chain to get married. That made me not so popular with quite a few feminists on both sides of the law. I was giving up too much, and giving away the power I had earned - independence via salary. This wasn't a popular notion in this day and age, especially since I wasn't marrying a wealthy heir to fortunes too great to lose in one generation. But was it worth it?

This is a question I have often asked myself when things are hard; when there are kinks in the marriage that seem like permanent roadblocks without detours. It usually takes a while, but in the middle of the impasse, if I get quiet enough, I ususally find my answer. The thing is that it is in those very moments that threaten to break us that hold the solutions that we seek. I feel the love between ESC and myself strongest in those intances where we struggle, knowing that even though we walk in the shadow of the valley of death, we walk in faith and commitment to see it through.

It is because I have given up so much that I have made space in my life for so much more.

It is akin to cleaning out your closet and giving things to others. You simply make space for additional blessings to flow to you. So it is with love.

My grandmother always told me that you should never give away that which is not good enough for you to wear. I sacrificed things that were very important to me, in the faith that I would find greater gifts down the road. I was making space. I am glad I did.

Sometimes we ask for too much. We want it all and all at the same time. But how is it possible for a cup to hold three times it's volume at once? Sometimes you just have to pour out some into another cup to make space for more.

I hail the work of the feminists who burned bras so that I would be free to make my decisions. I decided that I would allow my man to be a man and that I would find strength in being his woman and that there would be perfect balance in that.

Looking back, we have had to work through lots of change and the repercussions. I moved hemispheres. We got married. We have over 60 years of single life combined that we traded for the uncertainty of plurality. People do not give enough focus to new marriages and how much the first year sets the foundation. It is hard, dueling, back-breaking work and if both parties are over-worked and over-stressed from intense career pursuits, many things get lost in the confusion. It is the very fact that I have not been working full-time that has helped me and us to wade through all this.

I have also been able to find my centre like never before in my life. I am at peace. And if I get anxious, it is fleeting because now I know exactly how to tap into my source. I have learned to listen to myself and trust my wisdom. I have learned to be happy with little stimulation. When my husband gets stressed and uptight about a significant work challenge, I am aware enough to pick up on it and nip it in the bud. I can sense it in his sleep, in his eyes, and in his spirit because I have had the energy and focus to be so in-tuned. My management experience and even some of my own mistakes are useful in helping to guide him in leading his team. I am part wife, part friend, part professional mentor, spiritual and life coach. We are my job. I am my job.

I have worked my way through the depression of seclusion and the loss of my identity as a professional. It's amazing how much we overcompensate with our careers when other areas of our lives (personal) do not measure up. Once I was stripped of that, I struggled to find other things about me worth being proud of. I struggled to find who I was without a power suit and perfect TV makeup. The power dynamics changed. I was suddenly powerless. I was no longer boss of anything. I no longer had the bigger salary to be secretly puffed up about. But I found my way. One day at a time. One step at a time. I left the darkness of our studio and stepped out into the sunshine and I fed my mind, body and spirit with goodness and love. I was worth loving even if I didn't earn my own salary as a testament to my worth on this earth. Then, I found my fulcrum.

There will be days when I am going to have much on my plate and I will have to be able to meditate in the middle of the clutter. There are days when work and children and hubby will demand more of me than I think I can muster but having had this adult gap year to tap into me, I know I have found the tools to navigate the roughest seas and maintain my inner peace.

I take nothing for granted. I see each day as a miracle and I am grateful to bear witness. Nothing is certain, but we live in the hope and faith and awareness that "All things [indeed do] work for good."

In search of single friends

Dubai is couplesville. At least I have only been making coupled friends or friends through my hubby. Right now, I would love nothing more than to meet a group of single people and just lime without mention of husbands, car pooling drop offs and married like things. Dont get me wrong, I still love ESC, but right now, I am craving a singular identity. You know the type- fearless girls hitting the town without any thought of looking for men? That would be us in killer heels and gams peeking out until knee length skirts with fresh faces and glossy lips. There is absolutely nothing in this world like fun, fearless, unfettered female energy! In this same fantasy, I take turns as the honourary guy liming with the guys next week. It seems that liming with the guys has got to be a fantasy for me these days because married women don't like women liming with their men- single or not. Are we really that insecure?

It's hard for me. I have always loved hanging with the guys. I am one of those girls who gets em and can share a few bar-type jokes of her own. I started enjoying non-familial female company later on, when I discovered that unmarried women in their late 20s and (mostly) onwards, are some of the hippest people on the block... (you know -women like me. After I encountered confident, smart, beautiful, independent women, I realized that these sisters knew how to have a good time and I was hooked! Somehow, only few married women ever made it to the Single Ladies limes and they left early and didn't come out as often. I actually hanging out with the single Gals but if I am in a room stuck with married people, I often prefer the men. I am only just realizing that married men make boring conversationalists when they are in earshot of their wives. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The worst part is that our social life seems limited to couple events. Hmmm. Maybe that's it- I am just having married people overload.

So, in light of my current predicament, and the fact that it seems that the best compromise is to try meet friend on my own and IF asked about my marital status, I will say, "I have a permanent boyfriend who I hang out with from time to time."

The show must go on

Last night I looked at some pictures of me taken over the weekend right after watching The Biggest Loser. Talk about motivation!!!!! I did a resistance workout with Beachbody's Chalene Johnson with her Turbo Jam routine. I also got a cheap yoga mat and meditated afterwards. ESC came home and did the 1hr kickboxing routine while I tried to get to sleep to get up early for a free yoga class on the football field in my complex. I woke up tired... saying to ESC "I have a really long journey in front of me... it won't happen overnight." To my surprise, still groggy, he replied "And I will be with you every step of the way." I see that my cousin Celia has also said the same thing... for your support, I give thanks. I don't at all feel sorry for myself... I accept where I am right now and that this whole experience is making me a better person.

We all have our own versions of Waterloo in our lives, and if we are up to it, we face many different Battles of Waterloo during our lifespan. Facing such a battle more than once means that we have managed to survive the previous encounter, which was tough enough to be to Napoleon's undoing.

I am taking baby steps this time. Making small goals. I ate a bowl of ESC's deliciously tasty and healthy chicken soup before heading out to an Easter Brunch with the buffet from hell and it was worth it. I arrived without feeling very hungry and was able to taste the items before putting them on my plate, making certain that I took moderate servings of only those things that were tasty and moderately healthier (you can never be sure in a buffet). I also had only about 1/6 of my regular dessert helping. But by far the best thing ever, is that I was healthy enough to drag ESC into the living room and by example, declare the space the dance floor. We danced up a storm! I didn't even remember my toe injury and I breathed my way through every cigarette craving.

I have also decided to spend MUCH less time online and watching TV. These are really mindless activities that dont stimulate me enough physically and only help to keep my metabolic rate on the slow end.

I have been meditating a lot lately. I have also been visualizing also. Not to mention affirming.

Small steps, mercies and victories for a long journey.

Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries" is now my daily motivational song.

Everyday, I have to remember to "Fight and never walk away."

When love speaks an awful truth

My dearly beloved told me some cold hard truth over the weekend. I cried for two days straight. I was hurt. But you know what? He was right and even more importantly, he spoke out of love.

Sometimes it's hard hearing bad stuff from a partner- even more so than any other loved one because of how vulnerable you are in love, but you even though you know what's at stake, it's good to hear it out loud.

So it was obvious that I had put on too much weight. My clothes weren't fitting and my joints ached under the added weight. Dude loves me yes, but I should have known that all the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't be enough to entice a man indefinitely. Yes, he knew he married me overweight.. but he was fine with me at that weight. Turns out that his 300lb benchmark was too liberal for me. I guess 190 is his cut off. I past 190 some 5lbs ago.

I cried myself to sleep and cried upon waking and every time he looked at or spoke to me. I felt fat and ugly in his eyes. I was hurt at first. Then furious. He married me overweight. I am a stay at home wife who works on occasion. I am struggling with making my transition over here. I am a newlywed. He has long hours. He is a damn chef for crying out loud! Food is a high point of my day. I dont live in a walking city. I am limited by my immobility. We couldn't afford much outside of food. It's the first time in my adult life that I am without a car. I haven't even been behind a wheel in 6months.

Who's fault is it anyway?

I can hear you saying" Sister I was warning you about all that cooking."

Sadly though, it wasn't just the cooking. It was the junk food binges. The laziness. The excuses. Hiding under tent blouses and dresses. The functional depression. The excuses.

I stayed away from clothing stores, even for things on sale because I did not want to face the reality. I started working out, got sick and binged my way everyday through a three week period. I gained 8lbs. Turns out those 8lbs were my husband's cut-off point.

I can't kill him. He took a day off on Monday when he realized that his comments on my general physical appearance had crushed my spirit. He has been cooking healthier options for me and actually getting up 45mins earlier to work out with me to my videos for the past few weeks.

Small victories
1. He took me to the Museum and shopping for a few pieces to fill my empty wardrobe. I got two belts to put around my waist to show that I actually have a wasitline underneath my very maternity looking clothes. I desperately needed new pants but refused to buy a UK size 18, which was the only size that fit me without making me look voluptuously vulgar.

2. I am six days smoke free. I still get the urge to smoke but I chew the nicotine gum instead. I have some cigarettes on my coffee table that I look at daily but never smoke. There is something empowering about having it in front of me and CHOOSING not to. It actually feels better than not having any cigarettes in the apartment at all.

I know I have a very long way to go, but I am going to celebrate where I am right now. Right now, I am taking on a daily fight to be healthier in smaller but cumulative ways. I walk more, eat more veggies and fruits (even packing them in ziploc bags and taking with me when I leave the house), try to eat less at meals, and I am trying to move away from Food as Reward. We are now looking at ways of incorporating activity into our lives and making weekends about having new experiences together as opposed to just being about eating something new.

So what's the next big reward?

1. When I lose 15lbs, we are going paintablling.
2. We are going to go to the water park (practically free since he gets access as a company benefit
3. Beach once per week (free ride and free beach).

Every 15lbs will qualify me for a new EXPERIENCE. Each reward must be very low budget but high in activity and fun. The defining factor is that if the "souvenir" is digestible, it doesn't qualify.

Right before it gets better, it gets worse

That's how life is isn't it? The darkest hour falls before daybreak? Things get bleak before they get clear. You get sicker then better.

This is a whole lotta change- more than I think I even realize sometimes and harder than I could have perceived.

But alas, we hang in there for yet another day.

The two day makeup

So ESC decided that he needed to be Away From K and so he took his bicycle and went away from mid afternoon and didn't return until dark.

I was fine, then I got angry, then I felt hurt.

He came back saying that he went to watch a movie by himself. His phone was home so I had no means of reaching him. Not that I would have- after all- I was proper vex.

Anyway... he now talking to me and I turn up the volume on the TV and then every message on blasted tube was bout marriage and I would suck me teeth and change the channel. Then one caught me as a surprise. The promo for that movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant. There was a joke. i didn't expect it. We both laughed. Our eyes met.

"You know I still love you," says he.
"Tschuuuuups," (suck teeth) says me.

He comes over and tries to hug me up and kiss me, spends the next few hours talking about what really happened, and the rest of the weekend making up.

Note to self: Fights are not such a bad idea in marriage because the makeup is unbelievable!!

The silent fight

You know those fights where you go silent because you dare not speak what's on your mind for fear of causing damage worse than the offense about which you are angry? The same ones where little things just nag and annoy and your annoyance becomes nagging all on its own and things just escalate from the trivial mole hill and turn into mountains of Himalayan proportions and everyone is upset and needs space and an all too small studio becomes a prison cell?

We are in Married People's Alcatraz- the penitentiary designed for people who are wedded by law and webbed by space, trying to break free for just a moment of singularity.

I miss my family and friends. This is exactly what girlfriends are for. To forget you have husbands when you need to and to celebrate the joys of just being woman and free.

I love the man but I could certainly leave him from a minute! I could use a Girlie Weekend Getaway right about now... and I am sure my dearly beloved is wishing on the same star.

The wonders of married life

I know I haven't been post ing as much as I have been used to. But bear with me. Things change... and I guess I have just had to change with them.

I have also been busy trying to find a J-O-B since pretty much all that I had saved for my relocation has pretty much been used up in related expenses and unforeseen miscellaneous charges, yadda yadda yadda. ESC and I have been doing a really good job of keeping a tight grip on the finances and stuff, but being on one salary kind of limits us from the extraordinary luxuries. Having said that though, we are eating well and using the opportunity to really throw-down in the kitchen ourselves. We have surprised ourselves and each other with the amazing results we have had just making do with what we have. So we are very grateful for the fact that we are not hungry. The extras are trappings of comfort that are just not necessities. Plus you know what is the best part? We REALLY dig each other's company ,so spending time alone together at home is just as cool as going out anyway. It's not like we are dying to get rid of each other- yet :)

We went on the train for the first time together on Sat, for a meeting of the planning committee for a function in Dec. It was a cool experience. Fully automated without a back-up human operator. Plus pretty cheap. The only thing is that we have to take a cab to and from the train station. I need to figure out the bus system because even though he has been here fro 4 years, ESC has only gone on public transportation once and it must have been like for one or two stops. That will open me up to getting around more because cab fares are untenable (which is why I spend so much time in our little suburb).

I would like to see more of Dubai.. and will get around to it eventually. And a second CONSISTENT income means that we could afford a little travel and to save up for future expenses like further relocation and children, yadda yadda. Dubai is a great launching pad to the rest of the Eastern hemisphere and it would be lovely to be privileged to take advantage of our location. But privilege is the operative word.

I am actually really enjoying taking care of ESC and the finer comforts of having a man who will give me foot and body massages with request among many other actions which indicate his delight in cherishing me.

Anyway... I going to go cook lunch/dinner now. A one pot chicken, rice and green peas meal with ripened plantains on the side. It's my recipe... and according to my hungry belly little brothers from years ago, it is the boss!!

Here endeth this day...

Nostalgia aside, I have had a very productive 14 hour day. Give thanks for both the good news and the bad. Now it's time to switch off the computer, play some music and engage in domestic bliss prior to the start of a rare three-day weekend and a packed social calendar with hubby.

We have a one year-old birthday party, church, and dinner guests to host. We have already begun getting invitations from other married couples.

My prayers are with you my loving Uncle. May God grant you peace.

Until next time,
A gone.

Honeymoon done!

So dear heart, after nearly three weeks of marriage (feels more like 2 months), I am back on the scene.

It was a good thing to have had my energies concentrated where they should be during my hiatus. Why? Because what they say is true... this marriage thing is serious business!

I feel like for all intents and purposes of this blog, I am still somewhat of a single TwentySomething, just now in a more serious lifelong partnership... after all, I do not plan to lose my connection with single people and plus who said I would lose my individuality and identity?

The run down:

-We chose our rings together at the Old Gold Souk in Deira. Without even realising it, he chose mine and I chose his. We went for simple bands. His white gold and mine- yellow, white and red. Why? Cuz me come first, second and third!!! Imelda and I both independently told him that we should celebrate the simplicity of this first wedding every anniversary with a ring appropriate to pocket.

-He actually wears his ring all the time now... and delights in how it feels on his hand. He is obviously happy to be married- in more ways than one. As am I.

- We honeymooned in our studio. Three days. He had to go back to work to prepare tasting sessions and modifications for a new menu in his restaurant. His immediate boss resigned a couple of months ago and he has had to put in more hours to get the job done.

-We had a six course lunch on our wedding day in a fine dining restaurant in his hotel and went to KFC the next day for dinner. Yes we could have chosen some similarly cheap Arabic fast food joint, but the symbolism of dinner at the Colonel's is much more of a internationally understood nature. I have always thought of the charming the story that Rootical Flava told me once about a Jamaican couple who were not very well off financially but wealthy in love- they wanted to get married. Had no money for a wedding or even rings; they had the ceremony and went to KFC to celebrate. I guess my KFC juxtaposition to the 6 course fine dining meal is that we are together for better for worse, richer or poorer. And can I tell you? Fried chicken never tasted so good!

-We then went to a movie... a romantic one- God bless his heart- The Time Traveler's Wife.

-We kept on looking at our rings and asking each other "Did we really do it?" It was such a silly and cute and childlike enthusiasm that we shared that we were kind of like "Big people now, right? hehehehe"

-We ordered take out. I had thought we should have done touristy things before the wedding, but after everything, we just decided that the only sights we would be seeing were right before us. We stayed in. Cooked, drank champagne and then when that ran out went on to Vodka. I can vouch for him when he said he fell in love with me all over again after I cooked him Saltfish Rundown and Fried Dumplings to sweet perfection (bless Imelda for the dumpling refinement par excellence).

-We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. Both in the literal and figurative sense. But seriously though, you wouldnt believe how much we spoke on our wedding night. Yes we consummated the marriage upon Imelda's swift instruction, but afterwards, we chatted like old friends about things you wouldn't believe!

-Not having family around was rough on us... but it made us focus on the fact that this relationship is just we and God and everybody else,.. has fundamental supporting roles, largely anchored in prayer and the blessings and the channeling of positive vibrations our way. Those who loved us were really there every step of the way lighting candles and singing sankeys and we felt the love and jubilation.

- I was going to cry when I was marching alone to the altar but then I saw how happy ESC was and thought... yes I was leaving my father and he was even able to be there to witness it, but I had a damn good man waiting for me at the altar. And he was 15 mins early to boot- a huge improvement over his father being 2 hours late for his parent's wedding!

-We experienced kindness from the most unexpected places and disappointment in those places that we thought we could depend on, but you know what? Such is life! We saw the hand of God working and weaving our little thatch roof of love over our heads so that we could be sheltered from the sun and the rain. It helped to reinforce the fact that our hopes are not based on man but on God from whence cometh our help. Everyone else is merely a vessel according to His design. All praises to Him for the provisions.

-We had blessings read by our families at the wedding ceremony and the lovely Anglican priest was obviously touched by the words of support, love and encouragement that our families had for us even though they were not physically present. It made us all realise that the church may be empty, but hearts were filled with love. Imelda wrote the one on behalf of my family and his middle brother wrote that from his.

- We had African congo drums, and the Reggae spiritual ballads of Buju Banton playing at points in the ceremony and the priest, who was once based in Nigeria for 10 years, was raising his hands and dancing and turning around in jollification. It was a sweet ceremony and you could feel the love. My only regret is that we didn't have it one video. Not to blow my own trumpet but it was a really lovely ceremony.

-Yes I was nervous. Yes I did let out a loud sigh right before I took ESC's arm at the altar. No I did not notice that he had on black socks with his outfit. As soon as I did (after the ceremony) I proceeded to ask him every so gently to remove them from his outfit that didn't call for socks. The one day that I wasn't around to dress the man!

- I was the frugal bride. I did my own hair, makeup, designed my gown, directed my wedding photo shoot and edited the photos. I selected yellow roses because of the significance of the friendship that we have maintained for nearly 15 years, which is the foundation of out marriage. All photo credits to Saleem Almas.

-ESC surprised me and arranged for a delectable chocolate wedding cake for us from his friend, who ran the restaurant that we dined for lunch because he couldn't let his wife not have a wedding cake because he knew fully well that her Ma is a master cake baker and decorator and no child of hers could have a wedding without a cake.

-Mother Hen was the first to call us after the ceremony ... with such joy and that she was almost singing when she told me "I was there! I was there! I dreamt I was there and me and your Aunty Thelma had on... and there were purple orchids...!" Funny enough, I did get a bouquet of purple orchids from a lovely Jamaican woman (who Imelda knows) the night before the wedding. The Spirit was in accord.

-Family was missed at the lunch table... we had no official reception so we are REALLY looking forward to the "Proper Jamaican Wedding & Reception" to follow next year.

- We have had to get back to the real world and deal with real world issues, but we have been making good headway in resolving our conflicts. We both strongly feel that we were created for each other. We both add significantly to each other's lives and challenge each other in ways that truly make us individually and collectively better for the wear.

- We pray and read the bible together, even in the middle of spats and huge disagreements and confrontations because we have to consult the Higher Power who is responsible for singular and plural.

- Yes, I can attest... sex is really better after you get married!

-We have agreed to go to marriage counseling to help to ease us into the transition of marriage and to reconcile small things before they become bigger things. The first year of marriage is the hardest and we are committed to doing everything we can to build a strong foundation from the get go. Often times, I feel that by the time many couples go into counseling, the marriage is already over because irreparable damage has already been done. As we say in Jamaica, "Prevention better than cure."

- We have married friends to spend time with and learn from (with seemingly happy unions) and this is a good thing. We also have two older married friends from church who have been at it longer and who have taken us up in mentorships of sort.

-We go to church together and even attending sermon two days after the wedding as part of our honeymoon.

I have seen that in so many ways, this is the relationship and marriage that I have prayed for all these years. It humbles me to know that I have been so supremely blessed. Yes there are challenges, and yes there are growing pains, but ultimately, this is a union so wonderfully blessed by God. Together we are truly stronger.