Till death do us part

We have had a rough patch this week, but have worked it through and stand stronger as a result. The thing about love and marriage is that when it's bad, it's awful. So awful that you cannot see beyond the immediate chaos... but then... if you are lucky... you get to have someone who is committed to making it work... no matter what. That is the difference between marriage and divorce. It isn't that some marriages are perfect, but that some wholly imperfect marriages are blessed with the commitment to work tough times through.

The thee me wed

Sometimes marriage takes more out of me than I think I want to give.

Sometimes I feel as if my exit strategy wasn't so convoluted, I would have made my way out.

Sometimes I feel like I should expend as much energy on said strategy as on the marriage itself.

Sometimes self-preservation trumps procreation.

The sacrifices of a modern woman with an old-fashioned heart

Marriage is sacrifice. Full stop. Comma, comma, dash-dash.

I gave up my job and a link in my career chain to get married. That made me not so popular with quite a few feminists on both sides of the law. I was giving up too much, and giving away the power I had earned - independence via salary. This wasn't a popular notion in this day and age, especially since I wasn't marrying a wealthy heir to fortunes too great to lose in one generation. But was it worth it?

This is a question I have often asked myself when things are hard; when there are kinks in the marriage that seem like permanent roadblocks without detours. It usually takes a while, but in the middle of the impasse, if I get quiet enough, I ususally find my answer. The thing is that it is in those very moments that threaten to break us that hold the solutions that we seek. I feel the love between ESC and myself strongest in those intances where we struggle, knowing that even though we walk in the shadow of the valley of death, we walk in faith and commitment to see it through.

It is because I have given up so much that I have made space in my life for so much more.

It is akin to cleaning out your closet and giving things to others. You simply make space for additional blessings to flow to you. So it is with love.

My grandmother always told me that you should never give away that which is not good enough for you to wear. I sacrificed things that were very important to me, in the faith that I would find greater gifts down the road. I was making space. I am glad I did.

Sometimes we ask for too much. We want it all and all at the same time. But how is it possible for a cup to hold three times it's volume at once? Sometimes you just have to pour out some into another cup to make space for more.

I hail the work of the feminists who burned bras so that I would be free to make my decisions. I decided that I would allow my man to be a man and that I would find strength in being his woman and that there would be perfect balance in that.

Looking back, we have had to work through lots of change and the repercussions. I moved hemispheres. We got married. We have over 60 years of single life combined that we traded for the uncertainty of plurality. People do not give enough focus to new marriages and how much the first year sets the foundation. It is hard, dueling, back-breaking work and if both parties are over-worked and over-stressed from intense career pursuits, many things get lost in the confusion. It is the very fact that I have not been working full-time that has helped me and us to wade through all this.

I have also been able to find my centre like never before in my life. I am at peace. And if I get anxious, it is fleeting because now I know exactly how to tap into my source. I have learned to listen to myself and trust my wisdom. I have learned to be happy with little stimulation. When my husband gets stressed and uptight about a significant work challenge, I am aware enough to pick up on it and nip it in the bud. I can sense it in his sleep, in his eyes, and in his spirit because I have had the energy and focus to be so in-tuned. My management experience and even some of my own mistakes are useful in helping to guide him in leading his team. I am part wife, part friend, part professional mentor, spiritual and life coach. We are my job. I am my job.

I have worked my way through the depression of seclusion and the loss of my identity as a professional. It's amazing how much we overcompensate with our careers when other areas of our lives (personal) do not measure up. Once I was stripped of that, I struggled to find other things about me worth being proud of. I struggled to find who I was without a power suit and perfect TV makeup. The power dynamics changed. I was suddenly powerless. I was no longer boss of anything. I no longer had the bigger salary to be secretly puffed up about. But I found my way. One day at a time. One step at a time. I left the darkness of our studio and stepped out into the sunshine and I fed my mind, body and spirit with goodness and love. I was worth loving even if I didn't earn my own salary as a testament to my worth on this earth. Then, I found my fulcrum.

There will be days when I am going to have much on my plate and I will have to be able to meditate in the middle of the clutter. There are days when work and children and hubby will demand more of me than I think I can muster but having had this adult gap year to tap into me, I know I have found the tools to navigate the roughest seas and maintain my inner peace.

I take nothing for granted. I see each day as a miracle and I am grateful to bear witness. Nothing is certain, but we live in the hope and faith and awareness that "All things [indeed do] work for good."

In search of single friends

Dubai is couplesville. At least I have only been making coupled friends or friends through my hubby. Right now, I would love nothing more than to meet a group of single people and just lime without mention of husbands, car pooling drop offs and married like things. Dont get me wrong, I still love ESC, but right now, I am craving a singular identity. You know the type- fearless girls hitting the town without any thought of looking for men? That would be us in killer heels and gams peeking out until knee length skirts with fresh faces and glossy lips. There is absolutely nothing in this world like fun, fearless, unfettered female energy! In this same fantasy, I take turns as the honourary guy liming with the guys next week. It seems that liming with the guys has got to be a fantasy for me these days because married women don't like women liming with their men- single or not. Are we really that insecure?

It's hard for me. I have always loved hanging with the guys. I am one of those girls who gets em and can share a few bar-type jokes of her own. I started enjoying non-familial female company later on, when I discovered that unmarried women in their late 20s and (mostly) onwards, are some of the hippest people on the block... (you know -women like me. After I encountered confident, smart, beautiful, independent women, I realized that these sisters knew how to have a good time and I was hooked! Somehow, only few married women ever made it to the Single Ladies limes and they left early and didn't come out as often. I actually hanging out with the single Gals but if I am in a room stuck with married people, I often prefer the men. I am only just realizing that married men make boring conversationalists when they are in earshot of their wives. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The worst part is that our social life seems limited to couple events. Hmmm. Maybe that's it- I am just having married people overload.

So, in light of my current predicament, and the fact that it seems that the best compromise is to try meet friend on my own and IF asked about my marital status, I will say, "I have a permanent boyfriend who I hang out with from time to time."

Weekend free paper bun

Can I tell you? Mi nah lie. Sometime him just upset mi soulcase, but most time, mi just haffi just thank God for the man mi married. What make? Well, for starters, we really honestly sincerely genuinely enjoy each other's company. No joke. No need for an agenda either, though doing things together is also much fun... we just like each other.

So every Sunday morning, which is the beginning of the Middle Eastern work week, we both hug up in bed and get mushy and dont want to part. Luckily, because he is the most senior chef in his restaurant, his days off (2) coincide with the weekend so we get to see friends who would not have been available otherwise. He often goes into the office for at least a portion of one of his weekend days but we try to work such demands around our plans.

We have also been getting lots of invitations to dinner parties and get togethers. Dubai is the place for married couples and families. He says he has never had so many invited here, with people actually trying to plan around his often times very unpredictable schedule. I have heard many women complain here that it is hard to be single in Dubai. I guess some single people lyme differently from married people and people who have people who are waiting on them at home, or have to get up and get children fed and ready for activities may not want to party all night till daylight but are they really mutually exclusive? I didn't have half as many couple invitations when I was since but in the Caribbean, the marriage statistics are much less. So I throw it to you...

Are single people and married people incompatible in terms of lyming "hanging out" agenda and procedure?