Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Broken-hearted melody

He invaded my dreams again last night.

My husband saw my face and said "Tell me."
"What do you see?" I asked. By that time, the tears were welling up inside my eyes.
"Something is bothering you."
"I dreamt about him again."
"Are you unhappy?"
"He never made me happy."
"Are you lonely?"
"No. I read about these things. Apparently, they are normal, I just hate it when it happens. It's always the same dream with different circumstances."
"Tell me," I held his face while the tears flowed from my eyes.
"I love you. I need you in my life, for now, for always and I understand."

You must be wondering why on earth would I tell my husband about such things... for the very reason I did: To not give any undue power to The Past over my Present. Sometimes, that which remains hidden has the potential to unseat you from everything you have worked to achieve. This is why I tell ESC about it and why I blog about it.

The Past and I were really really good friends and I stopped talking to him abruptly. There were conversations I wished we could have had but never saw the point. I felt I had nothing more to say to him. I had said so much, begged so much done so much, given so much , taken so much, hurt so much, cried so much, waited so much that there wasn't much else left inside me. He had used up his tokens and left his account in the negative. There was no place to merge friendship in our reality. Almost everything had changed, except for those which should have, which sadly remained the same. I just decided it was time to love me more. I had wasted 7 years holding out hope for a dream that had no wings to fly on.I moved on. Consciously putting one foot in front of the other until my heart and body were thousands of miles away from his self-indulgent harm.

I look at his picture after these dreams and wonder what on earth did I see in him. I thought he was so handsome. So bright. So smart. So caring. All I see now is the angst and distress in his eyes. He is clearly troubled. The torment in his eyes belie the smile on his lips. But that's his problem. And hers. Of course there another woman. Isn't there always in these stories? His subordinate, who he hired and got fired for. They belong together, partners in selfishness and evil manipulation. If I know anything about myself, is that I really, honestly, truly deserve better.

Thank heavens I had the guts to walk in that light.


Anonymous said...

Girl, I really admire your raw honesty and I am sure, if he is the man I think he is, your hubby does too. Yes, some people can't handle such open emotion but it is part of my DNA too. I find you live life in pitch black or shades of grey otherwise.

Expression has the ultimate power to put colour back onto the palette. Every comma or full stop, every subject verb agreement, every nuance and exclamation point is an extension of a FULLER LIFE!


Anonymous said...

There are so many unspoken personal-type things that people should somehow try to express (like you) for others to learn from and find comfort & company in.
A womans' handbook (suggested title "What We Can Expect") should be in your future. LOL

I'm so feeling ya!

Kat G.

Sheer Almshouse said...

@ LA
It is the authenticity that makes me sane. Not perfect. Random and Haphazard at times. But sane. I am also finding out that more I can say, is the deeper the healing goes. I started out this blog a lot more vaguely than it is now.

@Kat G
I find that only the deepest, most personal things are withheld from this blog. I tend to keep those in my personal diary or just in my heart. I also try to avoid things that may be hurtful to people. I have revealed it to very few people.

Anonymous said...

does your ex or does your husband know of this blog?


Azikiwe said...

..everybody gets their ball & chain in this life,yet nobody asked to be here....makes me want to quit sometimes...

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Your honesty and the courage you had to move on brings hope and courage to a lot of other women.
Thank you for sharing.

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