One last day

I am in the office, finalising the sale of my car to my colleague. I have also requested two days departmental leave with permission to travel, which makes me still an employee on paper until they have made a decision about my case. Even though I want to walk away from this for my sanity, my father advises to make sure I cover my ass just in case. After this, I will send in a medical certificate which will buy me some more time after those two days expire.

Update a few mins later:

The car is sold.
Now to deal with the bicycle and the DVD player.

Letting go and moving on

This is my last night on the Island Behind God's Back. Praise God for journeying mercies.

I have decided to forgo legal intervention and just cut my losses and move on. I have too much good awaiting me to be bogged down with legal drama with a government that is so broke that it cannot make payroll on time. I have also accepted that there was enough good coming out of my time here to balance the axis of evil that I have experienced (Bush will never live that one down).

What's been goood:

1. I have paid off my debts
2. I have managed to be even closer to family because of the distance and my friendships have been tested and proven rock solid.
3. I have written more than ever
4. I have invested thousands (USD) in pro photo gear that will provide an additional income stream as well as artistic release
5. I have left the comfort and safety of home and everything I know and love to live in a VERY remote place that is foreign in every way.
6. I am in a position to re-claim my independent career, not being fixed to any organisation just for the purpose of getting a monthly income to meet the monthly demands of antsy creditors whose business models conflicted with the irregular even if substantial earnings of a small business owner.
7. I have had lots of time to think and reflect and plan my next move
8. I have invested in a long distance relationship that has reaped tremendous rewards, having proven that the foundation is rigid and the love insurmountable.
9. I am going to enjoy 9 full weeks of VACATION mode summer living. Meaning... for the first time since I was 16.
10. I have learned that there are only few things in this life that are worth hauling around with (signaling the end of my pack rat days). Thank heavens that my mother still hordes so she can keep the things that still worth keeping but not worth extra international flight overweight charges.
11. I have decided to quit using smoking as a crutch to manage stress. I am still working on it. I am going on the patch as soon as I land in Jamaica.
12. I have come face to face with the scariest depression of my life and managed to fight it using self-awareness, discipline, diet, exercise, and therapy. I am still not completely well but home will be the best medicine.
13. I have had a man fly all the way here and use up his entire vacation to prove to me that we are right for each other and he is committed to me.
14. I have not bought one single pair of shoes.
15. I have increased my financial wisdom and have improved my fiscal management in leaps and bounds
16. I have proven that I take care of my responsibilities, even when I have left them behind.
17. I have felt what it feels like to earn hard cash as opposed to the Jamaican dollar which has devalued by $20 in the one year I have been here.
18. I have been able to visit family in the US, some of whom I have not seen for up to 20 years.
19. I broke out of my Florida only US policy, and flew to NYC and Atlanta.
20. I am making my first transatlantic trip this year.
21. I got away from all the hangers on who really were just wasting my time.
22. I am giving a single mother her first opportunity to own a car because I am selling mine to her dirt cheap
23. I was able to give another single mother about $700 worth of food, groceries and toiletries.
24. I have learned that I may not necessarily have the best formula for making new friends and will have to revisit how I let people in my inner circle even if I am lonely and starved for friendship.
25. I made one real friend, and others who have given me unexpected blessings.
26. I have learned to lower my expectations of people.
27. I have survived bathing in dirty water for a year, even though my sensitive skin despises me for it.
28. I can appreciate eating raw conch (a big sea snail).
29. I have managed to re-discover healthy eating even under dire circumstances.
30. I have survived.

Getting a fight

I am getting the proverbial fight to leave. They have still not officially received correspondence to even signal the receipt and deliberation of my proposal sent two months ago to the committee, much less a decision.

I presented additional medical information and the police records yesterday to see if I could expedite the process. I asked for immediate permission to leave due to safety concerns and resultant medical reasons. I am prepared to write to the governor this evening/tomorrow morning if I have not received word.

I cannot stay. I refuse to go on anti-depressants (that have already been prescribed) and I have already been prescribed two sedatives for sleeping. I do not need to test the boundaries of my mental capacity to handle this whole thing.

Leaving on a likkle plane

I would fly American Airlines but decided not to for two reasons:

1. I would pay too much in overweight and excess baggage &50 each for up to three bags
2. I will have to stop in Miami en route to Jamaica, which means clearing the bags through customs and hauling them through to the connecting flight baggage area

That leaves me with no other option but to fly the rickety small plane that goes direct from this country to mine. They charge overweight by the pound and not my piece , to that will likely workout better for me.

I am dumping more things.

I have a tentative sale for the car, which is less than half of my original asking price, but it's better than nothing.

I am leaving on Thursday June 26, 2009. I would have left on Monday if I could but I get paid Tue/Wed and that is when my car will get sold.

I took two valium tabs and still cant sleep.

I am so relieved that this will be the end of it.

I plan to finish my packing by Sunday.

Ode to small island mentality

Thank you cousin K. I couldn't say it better myself.

Double Jeopardy

Lightning dies strike twice if you are standing in the same place.

They slashed my tyres again...this time in an Anti-foreigner spree. My neighbour got 3 holes each, I got 10. This time at least 12 cars were affected. It is no conincidence that this happened to me in the first place nor the second. I live on a cul-de-sac, far removed from regular thoroughfare. This is a targeted attack and it is getting worse. I got 4 holes each last time. I have called my lawyers. Time to stop dilly dallying. What the f**** would I be waiting for? The third strike? The charm? Enough said.

Footnote, the police STILL haven't called my neighbour to question if they saw anything from the previous incident reported on March 6, 2009

One Year Behind God's Back

I am in the airport now, awaiting on a flight to the Island Behind God's Back. I have packed my goodies really well, and with careful selections, I have managed to not go over my 40lb allotment.

Today is the anniversary of my arrival. Well at least I finally had some fun. Pity it took a whole year and some Canadians. We had a day trip to a rather snazzy and exclusive property that costs USD $2,000 per night in the LOW season and ranges up $4000-6000 ordinarily, with the honeymoon villa costing a measly USD10,000 nightly. I gues the latter does come with sex, but you have to bring your own ingredients.

I am re-learning how to take care of myself even when I do not have any inspiration to do so. What I am now is preparing me for my life in a few months. I cannot compromise my future by ignoring my needs today. So, I really have to do what is best for me. Sometimes, only you know what that is.

I just ordered Chicken Sous in the airport lounge for breakfast. There is a lot of dinner foods for breakfast... as is typical in the Caribbean. Sous is really soup. I am hungry, having stayed up to watch The Curious Life of Benjamin Button until 2am. I wanted something other than the fat and cholesterol rich offerings.

One less day

I am a little tired today. It's just 10 am and it feels like bed time.

I have started looking around for buyers for my car. I have made a counter offer to a proposed buyer that is at least reasonable, and would allow me to pay back any fees should they become due. I need to sell my bicycle too, but I feel I will wait until the very end to get rid of that one.

I am planning to dump more things this weekend. I am also going to start packing the books and suits that have not been worn since August. All the really nice pieces that have no place here, will also be packed.

I will set aside a bag for Red Cross donations to people who have still not recovered from the hurricane (largely low-skilled immigrants). Of course, I will only be donating things that are worth of wear. I will check to see if clothes and shoes are needed because I have no desire to offend.

Easy Skanking Chef and I had a jolly good talk yesterday. He is excited about me coming and has broken the big news to his mother. What amazes me is that my own mother and father ask for him when I speak to them. His mother also includes me in her emails to her children. His friends also include me. There is definitely a coming together of the family/friendship units.

Here is a synopsis of our conversation:

“I’m buying picture frames so that you can put whatever photographs you want in them and hang them when you come.”

“I appreciate that, but maybe you should just wait until I come to buy the frames because they may no match my design motif?”

“Mo-what”

“Motif… like the design theme. You know?”

“So the theme not ‘house theme’ ?”

Apparently for my partner, house is a theme and sale is a justifiable reason to be proactive in acquiring things for home décor. No use in explaining that the layout and feel of the architecture and furniture will influence my interior décor masterpiece. Please note that that said apartment for which frames are currently being sought, has not been seen much less moved into. I think the understanding of my plight will fall squarely along the gender divide. My female readers will feeeeel my pain and my male readers will be like “but don’t you women like it when men get involved and supportive around the house? So what you complaining for? Because frames come in all materials, sizes, etc and I don’t want to be stuck with an assortment of gold leaf in a place that screams for modern contemporary!

I am perfectly fine with him just putting all that money aside and getting me brochures for the different stores and sales I would be interested in. I wont have anything else to do but make house anyway, and he wont have any days off… so it will be fun to change things up on him from time to time.

Guys, I promise not to use pink- at least not on the walls.

Rasta man no mix up inna bangarang

You know what? I will leave here in 2 1/2 months! It seems so long sometimes, so I changed my password on my work computer to "One Less Day!"

I am missing my man right about now. The hugs, the warmth, the resonance of his voice in my ear as we lay in bed... or while I am in the kitchen experimenting.

I am listening to all my (and our) favourite Luther Vandross songs right now...and man I am feeling him!

Today is exactly four months since I left Jamaica last and four months and two days since I last saw Easy Skanking Chef.

In exactly three months, I will be with my man in Dubai. Making up for time lost over 7 straight months of separation.

This will be the last of such long separation.

Why?

Because God answers prayers.

BTW... the boss sent in my notice to the committee and recommended the termination.

Plan B

The proposal was turned down by the committee. My boss is going to make further representation for them to waive any fees payable by me since I have given three months notice under the circumstances which are underlined by a general fear for my personal safety.

I started to dump stuff in the apartment today in anticipation of my departure.

I am going back home way lighter than when I came- in every way.

I have joined some gulf recruitment sites and posted my info in anticipation of finding meaningful and enjoyable work there. My intention is to find freelance gigs (for regularity and exposure) that will allow me freedom to do some professional photography on my own.

Your best friend can be your worst enemy

Who the Cap Fit (Bob Marley)

Man to man is so unjust, children:
Ya don't know who to trust.
Your worst enemy could be your best friend,
And your best friend your worse enemy.

Some will eat and drink with you,
Then behind them su-su 'pon you.
Only your friend know your secrets,
So only he could reveal it.
And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Said I throw me corn, me no call no fowl;
I saying, "Cook-cook-cook, cluk-cluk-cluk."

Some will hate you, pretend they love you now,
Then behind they try to eliminate you.
But who Jah bless, no one curse;
Thank God, we're past the worse.
Hypocrites and parasites
Will come up and take a bite.
And if your night should turn to day,
A lot of people would run away.
And who the cap fit let them wear it!
Who the (cap fit) let them (wear it)!

I had to post the lyrics to that song. It illustrates so well what I am up against here.

My closest work ally, who I actually called "friend" because I thought we clicked and we bonded over cigarettes and wine in a place where women who smoke and drink are deviants. We are both Leos, and we were good friends. That is, until she turned against me. And bwoy, did she turn against me?!

All of a sudden, Missis had a serious vendetta against me. She even tried to discredit me infront of my boss. On top of it all the malice started and the sour face and the cold shoulder turned into rock solid ice.

That melted a bit and we started speaking with civility, I even ended up lending her money because she always had money issues. Bad idea. Mind you said lady takes home double my salary. But she live big. Very big. It tooke me over a month to get it back, and I had to ask. Add cold shoulder to the mix and minus $10 from the re-payment.

Now it appears to me that something really has been brooding between Neighbour and this said person. I see a note on the ABCs of Friendhip on Missis desk signed by said Neighbour. Story come to bump. News get carry. Mix up and blender. I believe they both deserve each other's friendship. And I wish them all the best. However, it has become extremely obvious that they both really do not care much about me. No biggie.

But it seems that Missis from work is attempting to throw all her heavy weight against me. Today she never even acknowledge me presence. Dont know why she vex though. But is same way so badmind work.

All Ihave to say is..."Who Jah bless, let no man curse." Selah

Today is the day of salvation

I just came across a line in a previous blog entry in my thesis that goes:

"..No matter what, I am not at core a quitter. I finish things worth finishing."

The opperative word there is "worth."

I have come to the well self-debated conclusion that this here contract is just not "worth" finishing.

So today is the day I speak to the boss and tell him that this is truly the beginning of the end. I am expecting him not to be surprised.

I am not likely to get my proposial accepted which would grant me one year's gratuity, but I am prepared to present my letter resignation dated today with effect on July 27, 2009. I am going to draft it after I am done writing here.

I do not want to deliberate any longer. It is my hope that once the engine starts going in motion, I will be able to really find a last wind, allowing me to leave on a high note. I need to be able to position myself well in the last 3 months so that the last impression is a good one.

I am even thinking of offering my services for the first ever professional photo shoot with "corporate" head shots and stock photos of the public service leaders here, and grant them full license to use at liberty, even when I leave.

I will even do a bit of regional PR for my boss who is on the eve of an early retirement and desirous of getting another appointment outside of the country.

But, I just need to get over this last hurdle.

The time has truly come.

Tying up loose ends

Things to get in order before I go:

1. Review my thesis and decide if I really want to let all that time and money down the drain or just submit the damn thing and get it over with
2. Pay up insurance premiums for at least six months
3. Pay up pension for at least six months
4. Save for at least six months pocket money
5. Save for a return flight (just in case)
6. Sell car before August 9 (and budget for profit after hefty duties )
7. Sell bicycle
8. Get carton boxes imported
9. Buy decent luggage (it's about damn time)

The beginning of the end

I came into the office and the internet was down -as usual. So I took a scap 8 1/2 x 11 " paper and a red ink rolling ball fine point pen and wrote my letter of resignation. It is only the first draft. I have no intention of tendering it for a while. I need to speak to my boss to see if we can come to an agreement- call it a severance agreement- using the dire financial straits of the government as an excuse. So instead of paying me two year's gratuity if I stay the contract, they pay me one. And instead of payment me two years salary, they pay only for 15monts.

If that doesn't work, I will tender my resignation with four months' notice in good faith. I am required to give only three.

I have to give myself credit for taking so long to do it. It is one month since my car was vandalized and eight since I decided that I didn't want to be here any longer.

I would have stayed if Easy Skanking Chef were to come, but he is not. His position is being made redundant and in a bid to not lose him, they are promoting him and giving him a restaurant to open and run. If that isn't grace, I don't know what grace is. He cannot walk away from such an explicit act of divine intervention to join me on an Island Behind God's Back and sit down and twiddle his thumbs.

So I leaving. I am not staying here. There is too much out there for me to stay here and be unhappy. I have done my time. I have made it a positive step for me.

I am waiting until he gets his promotion letter before I begin talks with the boss about severance. I may be ready to leave, but I am no fool.

Reflections In Absentia

The Mother Hen was told, and like a true mother hen, she set about praying, armed with the backative of an entire church on fasting for one whom Mother Hen describes as "too good a child for any bad ting fi happen to."

During all this, my depression lifted.

I did not wake up crying this morning. I even managed to pluck hairs from my chin. But even though my fate is sealed as a bearded old lady, I am not so certain where it is sealed here in the midst of all the melodrama.

With the depression lifted, I am feeling like Sheer Almshouse again (no pun intended). So I am also thinking like Sheer Almshouse.

Imelda and I had a series of good chats about the whole issue. Enlightening as usual. She understood my desire to leave in the midst of the worst economic depression of my twentysomething life because I was afraid. She knows I am not a scaredy cat. And with the inclusion of sharp cutting tools and the piercing of my tires, a simple prank turned into a sinister, devious, and brutal personal crime in her view.

I am not certain what I am really going to do. It is too early to say. I have of course reviewed my options and discussed with Easy Skanking Chef. He would prefer if I leave, because he is powerless to protect me from so far, but he knows there is just no absolute in a time like now, and in the meantime, he prays. He is of course a chef, and the restaurant and hospitality industry is feeling the recession all the way to hell and back. No future is certain. Job tenure is present, but not necessarily continuous.

I had a visitor from work today. She came twice. Give her credit where credit is due. No one else has even called, except the boss who was himself on the crime scene in his weekend khaki shorts on Saturday.

So, I still don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them. And I still don't want people around me.

My compassionate leave is indefinite. I am not certain when I will be ready to work. If it were closer to payday, I would go to NYC and DC and get a break to really think about my options (and collect the camera). I was thinking that taking a trip is not a good idea when I want to leave, but I am no longer so thoroughly convinced that leaving is the best thing for me at this point either. I am ambivalent.

The only thing I know for certain is that I need time. So now that I don't feel so muddled, I am going to pray and meditate on things and wait to see what settles right in my spirit. Mother Hen taught me from very young to listen to it.

Three months notice

My contract requires me to give three months notice or pay back roughly USD$5000 and my own airfare and shipping back home.

So I will hand in my resignation letter at the end of the month.

I am going to need the extra three months salary anyway.

I just pray that I will have the strength to stay that long.

The fat lady's song

I just came across a blog that brought me back to reality, That's the Way Life is is a testimony of just how short and unpredictable life can be.

The question is: why am I staying here and making myself unhappy? Yes I want to save some money and to maintain an income in harsh financial times, but what if, just what if I am wasting what could be the best years in my life?

Money may or may not come, but time, once dispensed, cannot be recalled.

I am not happy here. Have never been. Never will be.

I have however grown to find a sort of numb middle ground of bland existence where everything is boiled and all shades grey. I have been dancing with depression in a place that isolates beyond the healthy dose for a creative.

There are places to see, taste buds to be brought to life, smells to be defined. There is so much wonder waiting to be discovered by these eyes that have only roamed in my imagination.

There is nothing for me here. Nothing but a stifling of my spirit.

I cannot live in this world without trusting even one person. I am not cut out to be the mistrusted outsider. I am not cut out to be hated. Tolerated, at least, but certainly not hated.

I feel like my life is on hold. Like I have pressed the pause button for too long, and the player has just timed out and switched off.

Enough.

I need to leave.

I am going to resign.

The fat lady has sung.