A strong mind starts with a fit body

I saw that sign in the gym last night and was so struck by it that I had to take a pic and share with my fitness buddy. Yes, for the first time ever, I have one of those, and I think that is just one of the reasons why this time will be different.

So I am down 18.7lbs altogether. Not much since my 15lb loss recorded in my previous post, but I was lifting heavier last month as part of an extreme 3 month fitness routine that promotes muscle gain and fat loss. The second phase, which requires heavy lifting for 6-8 reps is an intense muscle and strength building phase. Many people actually report weight gain during this phase so I should be happy that I lost a total of 6.6lbs during those 30days. I had to rest my hands for a while because of the carpal tunnel, so I did cardio, kickboxing and increased daily activity and delayed Phase 3 until yesterday. Yesterday I worked out for 2 hours, which felt really good. I am rebuilding my stamina. I remember when I used to have 2hr sessions every gym day.

So now Phase 3 is the Lean Phase, where I will be increasing reps to 10-12 and doing combo free weight exercises which promote engaging the core for stability. This is the phase where people see their best results during the 90-day routine.

After completing this CLX routine, I am thinking of doing 30 days of Slim in 6 and doing another rond of CLX. I have heard that many people get maximum results when they break with a lower intensity programme like Si6 and then resume a secound round of CLX.

Well enough of the workout geek talk and back to the heart stuff.

The darn scale
I have been struggling mentally with not seeing the scale budge over the last 2-3 weeks. It is not easy to be working hard and eating on plan and then the scale suddenly stops moving. I know technically why (I just explained it above) but that still doest seem to stop the feelings of frustration.

Mirrors and photos
I am also having a very tough time with other people's photos of me. You know the kind that immortalize you in your very worst light? Well imagine how much worse when they are added to shared via social networking. I have been depressed 2 times over the past 2-3 weeks with a friend's snapshot that includes me. I seem to look much worse sitting down than standing up. This friend is very proud of my efforts and extremely supportive and I know she thinks I have come a far way and wants to celebrate, but all I see when I view those pics is just how far I still have to go. ESC has been trying to coach me to appreciate how far I have come and focus on the victory instead of being overwhelmed by the distance ahead. Easier said than done. I think this is why many obese people just never complete their weight loss journey- it just seems like an uphill battle that has no end in sight.

I also despise the mirrors at the gym and in elevators. I must have been blind while I was getting fat but suddenly my vision is clearer and all I can see are the faults. I honestly think I am struggling with body dysmorphia.

I am much bigger than I have ever been in my life and I am just not comfortable with being mediocre anymore where my health and fitness are concerned. I am still on a mission to lose another 55lbs and am dead set on getting there.

I realize that I have a much smaller image of myself mentally (since I was never fat until 5 years ago) and I have a hard time accepting what really is.

Hormonal drama
I also have to be kind to myself and cut myself some slack for all that I went through over the past six months. My pregnancy and miscarriage threw my hormones even further out of whack and I am still trying to re-balance. I have also read where lots of women put on a lot of weight in a very short time after a miscarriage. I do not have to wonder why.

Growth
I am resetting a lot of habits and lifetstyle activities that will help me to maintain my losses for a lifetime. I can now say "no" to sweets. Also very surprising, I can have a tiny amount of something. I have truly come a far way.

Pressing on
Even though I have not seen the scale move, I am still moving. My body may be a little confused and think "she is going to stop soon as usual" but not so! I am more determined than ever to bring my body into balance! I just feel like my entire life depends on it and I will not stop until I accomplish all my goals!

I am off to work out with ESC now!

The balm of Gilead

There are times when I look on the body of my work and feel completely incompetent. I see my gifts as falling short of those blessed with sheer genius. I am mediocre. That horrible word synonymous with purgatory. Halfway between heaven and the pits of hell.

I chose practical work because I was attracted to working with something that is visible. Bottom lines and profits don't appeal to me as much as pictures- moving and still- and words that touch the untouchable.

But now, I sit, looking at my mediocre work and wonder whether I was ever really good enough or just full of ambition and naive enthusiasm.

I feel like Matthew, sinking slowly. I feel like I COULD walk on water, but yet have failed to. It seems to prevent drowning, I need to fully let go and give myself over. But how can I do that when I cannot swim?

I spent so many years snuffing out my own voice that I cannot seem to connect with my own truth anymore.

Slow on the uptake

Its 7;42a.m. and I have been awake for over an hour. Needless to say, I did not have any high glycemic carbs yesterday. I moved around more than I have in years and I am feeling my best in this moment, which is significantly better than I have in a long time.

In all of this, I didn't make the connection with my immediate circumstances and the bigger picture until my cousin LA pointed out that the job and everything else will come once I have completed the sorting through of certain things I need to address in my life.

I guess looking after me and minding my health is now my business. Full-time. I have neglected so much over such a long time that it does suit me best to be able to hone in on my core- you know peel away the layers.

I have my moments of deep contemplation and withdrawal but I feel that they are less depressive and more introspective. I have always been happy to be alone with my thoughts and now it seems I have a lot to both think and yet be quiet about.

It also just occurred to me this morning that I am STILL achieving my goals! I am digging the foundation to build an engaged, purpose driven, and active life. I am on my way to be in my best shape ever at 30- mind, body, spirit.

I feel that my growth has been as much dependent from my community of family and friends who have given me guidance, support and sometimes a hard talking to when I needed it most. My achievements, even though they may seem miniscule in the scheme of larger things, are huge to me and should equally be seen as yours. Be grateful that you have touched one more life by just being you and in doing so, helping me re-discover me.

Personal Therapy

I have changed so much since I have come here that sometimes I don't recognize who I have become. But change is a part of life and at least it means that I am human and am capable of personal growth.

I can't say I believe that all the changes I have made have been positive. But slowly, I am peeling away the layers and facing my demons.

Nobody has more power over my life than me, so I am trying to walk in enlightened awareness.

I recognise that I need to meditate, pray and enjoy my hobbies, which include photography and meeting and spending time with people. I have managed to become very undone in a situation that would undo almost any sane person, but still, I have to maintain my health and still manage to walk away from this better than I came in. That is the beauty of life- the potential to be totally burnt out and still rise like the phoenix from the ashes.

New year's resolution

So often, I have contemplated WHAT ON EARTH is a 28 yo woman doing here... in the height of her singular development (no husband and pickininies)... just wasting away in a place so remote that it might as well be labeled "the prison of paradise"

Its a great place to vacation with a romantic interest... or to reconnect when life gets in the way of the love... or just to retire... but...I have been finding it difficult to LIVE. That said, I have grown soooooooooooooooo much since I have come here... significantly on a personal level.

I have much time to examine me, and challenge me, and get more aware of me and what me wants.

So I am finding my truth, and in so doing, finding my way.

I have also been able to let go of the toxic relationships and in so doing, I have attracted a most wonderful man to me. He is my longtime friend. And we are happy. But he is in Dubai and I am here. So, while we scheme and plot and plan to be together in the same place, I am doing me.

I have had to dig DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP down to find my own source of happiness.

I am putting myself in a position to be able to truly explore what makes me happy career wise. I am not sure if I am loving PR or maybe its just the assignments that I have had in PR (corporate and private sectors are straight jackets). I want more meaningful work. I feel a strong desire to tap into my artistic and creative core. I want to write, photograph, travel, broadcast, produce direct. I am a creative. I am an artist.

My only resolution this year is..

"to stop putting my square raasclaat peg into a round hole."

As I peel away the layers, I become freer, happier, because, I am getting much closer to just being me.

It's hard, it's rough, but ultimately, this pruning will be the cause of much personal growth.

To have no family or close friend means to lack the very affection and warmth that I am accustomed to and thrive on. Even a hug means so much more now than it did before.

So..essentially this assignment... this whole isolation bit has been quite appropriately, "A Journey into Me"

So yes, the blessings are indeed aplenty and they truly overflow.

Give God thanks for grace.

Self-confrontation

There is a lot that I have not said over the past month (after all, a month ago today I arrived in my Jamaica and forgot everything about blogsphere). But writing for me has become a part of my existence, and while I can put it off for more pressing commitments, I must get back to it for personal release.

I miss the words. The sound of the keys as I strike them in unconsious and semi-conscious dexterity... expressing not only what I know to be so, but also what I didn't even realise was true.

This is my most honest space, so much so that I would rather not say anything than fluff over what is real. And this is why it is anonymous. My identity is only revealed to a select few, even though this blog is published publicly.

I am not sure I know what exactly I feel like blogging about. I dont feel like talking about the experience in Jamaica, though it was a spiritually and "moodically" uplifting one.

I think I am in a very strange phase... I am trying to tap into some deep level personal growth during a time of abject loneliness and isolation.

I think more than ever (if ever that was possible)... but I am left to my thoughts quite a bit so I have no choice. I am reading like I did when I was studying literature, only this time I get to make my own required reading list. I write more than ever... and I think even my photography expresses more than ever.

I am also dreaming more and my deja vu has even returned! I am getting closer to the real me.

I guess what I have been trying to do then is to dig channels within and without to connect more meaningfully to myself and the world with which I relate.

Life is for living... and living is a choice.

Even though I have been presented with a wonderful opportunity to share my life in a relationship with one whom I call "friend" in addition to "partner", I feel also a distinct desire to maintain my separateness even in our collectiveness.

I guess this is the essence of my current struggle. It has been a while since I have had any relationship and even longer since I embraced a healthy one. I know that my responsibilty lies to myself in ensuring that it remains healthy and in addition, allows both of us to reach greater heights of spritual growth.

I have been learning about myself, and understanding myself more deeply, questioning my motivations and my relations with the external. As a result, I am slowly, finding my footing and getting closer to my own truth.

I think, for the very first time, I can really honestly say that I have become a woman. It's kinda strange... I know... but neither natural nor societal law dictate when one truly steps into adulthood. I have acted like an adult for a long time, and firstborns ususally grow up fast. In the process, I lost a significant part of my childhood and had to retrace the steps to catch up.

I no longer want to be more than I am. I no longer want to be older than I am. I am happy to be as I am, knowing that my growth with continue as my life experiences allow.

I have my human struggles and almost daily I fight a valiant war against the depressiveness of this isolated existence, and I slowly find peace in the midst of lonleliness.

I am not lonely because I am unloved. To the contrary, I am lonely because I am very loved, and miss the free two-way expression of this love with my biological and spiritual families and friends. But I am learning to embrace this loneliness, not as evil, but good.

It is the vehicle for which I can explore the depths of who I truly am and what I truly want out of this life.

Call it a spritual hermitage if you wish, and me a student of life.

After a really rough day...

This has been a very rough day for me.

Sometimes, I think that God deliberately throws me battles so that I can get a reality check and put Him back in the picture. When He is in the picture, I know with conviction that the battle is not mine but His, and when I have sidelined Him, I get worried about minor obstacles in this life’s journey.

I think in spite of all the struggles I have gone through since I have been here, it was good for me to come here. I have been growing an incredible lot, and there is much more room for growth.

My psychological mettle is being tested. My spiritual mettle is being tested. My professional mettle is being tested. And all have been found wanting.

In many ways, this has been a weaning period from all the comforts and support systemthat I am used to. Like falling back on family and friends when times get rough. Here, I don’t have anyone to fall on but myself and God.

And that is why my spirituality is so important. If I do not keep close to God, I am not led by Him, but by my own will, which is very disastrous. I can accomplish so little on my own, but with the power of the omniscient (all knowing) omnipotent (all powerful) Him in the midst of disaster. And that is by no means good enough.

Professionally, I have come into a situation that is itself a turn-off. I have no budget, no authority and nobody really understands what I am supposed to be doing despite my numerous attempts to educate them. I have been miserable because I realise that I cannot accomplish what I came here to do, and feel cheated because they lied. But I stopped there when I should not have. I stopped at the point of frustration, not doing what I could, and representing myself to the best of my ability because so much was wrong with the equation. But that is not what I was called to do.

I was called to be among them, though not of them. To rise to my own standards in spite of theirs. To display all it is that I have learnt and not get caught up with the petty issues.

Yes I miss home. Yes I am lonely. Yes I could really use a hug right now. But none of that validates behaving like a yub yub when I have been called to be a princess.

It is hard though.

It is hard to find motivation deep within when there are so many elements in the environment that suck out every drive you have. I think I have been battling depression and have been successful in not falling head down into it, but I am not without scars and wear and tear in the process.

I am very ambivalent about my career. Public Relations is not what I dreamt I would be doing when I grew up. I was just good at it and learnt quickly and had very adaptable skills, so I did well. But the truth is that I am bored.

I just want a job I love.

I love public relations- for the right company or product, but I also love media.

I have stayed corporate because I make more money than in media, and media standards in Jamaica have fallen incredibly, which is itself frustrating if you love what you do. I don’t like working in the public sector because nothing really ever gets done. I left my first public sector job after six months because I went to work everyday and did nothing and felt bad about collecting a pay cheque under false pretences.

I am not cut out for office politics. I just want to be left to do what I do best.

I started the company, but I had too many personal debts to endure dry periods when no income was coming in.

So I guess, it all takes me back to why I am here- to work to pay off my bills so that I can be free to make my next move without encumbrances (burdens or impediment). And so, I need to do what it is that I have to do here, so that I can leave here better than I came here- financially free!

When I am there, at that momentous point in my adult journey, I will be able to critically assess where I am, and where I want to go professionally. Until then, I just have to stay put and get myself focused on the bigger picture.

God is with me, and in the toughest times, he will lift me up and carry me right through the hottest of hell.

When I do what I need to do, then the foundation will be laid for me to examine my next move and for me to really do some introspection to find out “what next?” for me.

I just wanted to share.

Thanks for listening.

Refiner’s Fire

My friends have been telling me that this whole process of working in a situation which intensifies more than internal surge protectors can contain, is a “character building exercise.”

My response has consistently been “I don’t need flies pitching on me to build character.”

I felt I had already grown beyond this situation, the chaos in this country, overwhelmingly outdated living conditions (including no electricity and running water for 6 weeks), cover-ups beyond anything I have seen in public relations, blah blah blah…

But I hadn’t.

The beauty of this life is that as long as we have breath, we can review, reflect, introspect, and utilise all the verbs necessary to find deeper meaning in the midst of any circumstance.

(Enter the character building bit.)

Apparently that is what they meant- finding deeper meaning to my own existence because my purpose is greater than my circumstance.

But I am human.

I get distracted by flies feasting on me and I get frustrated when things don’t work the way they should, nor even with the contingencies that my-event-planning-self meticulously budget for.

This, my new reality, is the “Small Islant Mentality” personified. It means that absolutely nothing goes according to plan, not because of Murphy’s Law, but because of a decidedly myopic framework that prevents inhabitants from “seeing the big picture.”

How can you convince someone to think beyond parochial borders when their idea of success is driving a gas guzzling luxury vehicle on a 7 mile long island, where there is a one-handed mechanic who is always drunk, no wheel alignment machinery, one nameless grade of fuel, and enough sea air to guarantee rust in a few years? You can’t.

The problem is that for now, you have to live with them, and their myopia, and no matter how exposed and unbridled your perspectives are, unless you are going to self-fund a world tour for every jack man and child, they will remain so. So what so you do?

You shift your paradigm.

One of the most revealing things I read from Imelda’s extensive library is that when you have reached a higher plane in your own development, you must be understanding of those who have not yet risen to that level of consciousness.

What is the point of the housewife marrying the man who is a career spendthrift and spending the rest of her life watching him whittle their joint savings away on every gadget meaningless known to mankind? She too has to shift her paradigm- get another provider who understands that KEEPING money is as important as making it, or get a job herself and take over the finances.

I must shift my paradigm.

I must find my purpose here, which is not to be frustrated, nor to lower my standards, but to critically adjust the way I go about things and my own expectations.

If the donkey doesn’t want water, don’t force him to drink.

He clearly doesn’t know that he is thirsty. He doesn’t understand thirst because he has never been quenched.

It’s hard. No it is damn hard. How do you not do what you feel is exactly what you need to do and be happy about that?

It is actually a little simpler than I thought.

Did you bring the donkey to the water? ‘Yes’
Did you explain clearly, without insulting his ignorance the benefits or drinking water and the repercussions for not so. “Yes”
Then that is your job.

It is his life. He makes his own decisions and works out his own salvation.

Repeated attempts to convince him to drink will only frustrate you to the point where you forget about the bit of “not insulting his ignorance” and then you insult his ignorance and you reach deadlock. You die of a brain haemorrhage and he dies of thirst.

Just as he has to work out his own salvation, so do you.

So save your sanity. Guard the joy and peace and love, and hope that God has blessed you with.

In fact, better yet, build on your own character.