New year's resolution

So often, I have contemplated WHAT ON EARTH is a 28 yo woman doing here... in the height of her singular development (no husband and pickininies)... just wasting away in a place so remote that it might as well be labeled "the prison of paradise"

Its a great place to vacation with a romantic interest... or to reconnect when life gets in the way of the love... or just to retire... but...I have been finding it difficult to LIVE. That said, I have grown soooooooooooooooo much since I have come here... significantly on a personal level.

I have much time to examine me, and challenge me, and get more aware of me and what me wants.

So I am finding my truth, and in so doing, finding my way.

I have also been able to let go of the toxic relationships and in so doing, I have attracted a most wonderful man to me. He is my longtime friend. And we are happy. But he is in Dubai and I am here. So, while we scheme and plot and plan to be together in the same place, I am doing me.

I have had to dig DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP down to find my own source of happiness.

I am putting myself in a position to be able to truly explore what makes me happy career wise. I am not sure if I am loving PR or maybe its just the assignments that I have had in PR (corporate and private sectors are straight jackets). I want more meaningful work. I feel a strong desire to tap into my artistic and creative core. I want to write, photograph, travel, broadcast, produce direct. I am a creative. I am an artist.

My only resolution this year is..

"to stop putting my square raasclaat peg into a round hole."

As I peel away the layers, I become freer, happier, because, I am getting much closer to just being me.

It's hard, it's rough, but ultimately, this pruning will be the cause of much personal growth.

To have no family or close friend means to lack the very affection and warmth that I am accustomed to and thrive on. Even a hug means so much more now than it did before.

So..essentially this assignment... this whole isolation bit has been quite appropriately, "A Journey into Me"

So yes, the blessings are indeed aplenty and they truly overflow.

Give God thanks for grace.

Feeling trapped

I cant seem to shirk the feeling of being trapped in a career that just represses who I am.

I just want to travel, photograph, write and work on my broadcast productions. Some people make a career of that... I was on that path..and then I encountered the higher paying PR field and then voila!

Maybe if I really bought myself the camera I want and embarked on weekend expeditions I would not feel so confined creatively. But traveling within these islands, though beautiful, is rather expensive. Return tickets to one island alone is 170 and to do a mutli-island hop would be rather expensive..especially since I will not alter my life experience much.

I just feel like there is just so much of the world to see and I am just tucked away from all that is happening.

Now that I have paid off the bills, I feel like the next thing is to save for the expedition. I have wanted to travel for so long, but never had the money even when I had the time.

I have to give myself this.

I feel like so much of my career confusion will be subdued once I give myself the gift of undiluted me... just roaming and living.. not to pay bills or have responsbilities but just to live and be creative.

I just need three months.

Or maybe six.

I just need a fucking break.

Best Ziggy Marley Song

True To Myself

life has come a long way since yesterday I say
and its not the same old thing over again I say
just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself I say
cause I can't make you happy unless I am I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

day in day out I've asked many questions I say
only to find the truth it never changes I say
if you don't deal with it it keeps killing you a little by little I say
call me selfish if you will my life I alone can live I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself

I don't care if it hurts I'm tired of lies and all these games
I've reached a point in life no longer can I be this way
don't come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears
I'm moving on yes I'm grooving on well I'm finally free I've

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself
got to be true to myself got to be true to myself