Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Roller coaster ride

It has been an increasingly difficult time. As Ma says, "when a no the button, a the button hole."

But God never gives more than we can bear.

I am just holding on to His promises in these hard times.

I have a lot to be grateful for, no doubt about that. Sometimes, though, I forget that the grace I have is extended by God and when I take my eyes off him, I start to sink.

If my faith goes, I crumble.

I am not beating up on myself. I am human and subject to frustrations. I have good days and bad days.

ANyway, today is another day, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Frustration and vexation of spirit

I am in a country led by headless chickens.

Imagine me, nice nice Napoleonic horse like me (yes this is Animal Farm).. trying to make sense of this nonsense. Impossible.

I tyad of the darkness.

I tyad of the mosquitoes.

I tad of the flies.

I tyad of the ferking coal stove.

I tyad of this damn place.

You know seh after mi siddung inna the bathroom and hand wash mi clothes in a bucket, some old wicked dem try thief mi clothes off the line?

Is mi neighbour see dem and shout after dem. Is a good ting I share dinner wid him all the time cause him really look out fi me. But big a serious, dem lucky seh mi neva deh home cause mi woulda muss haffi get a lick offa dem. Sometimes you just haffi tek tings into you own hands, especially when dem a try thief you clothes offa di line at 9pm pon a saturday night.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..

The place looks bad. I mean REALLY bad. All the posh house dem and everyting in between either have roof gone totally or pieces gutted. There is no electricity or running water and there are mosquitoes to stone dog. Dont even mention flies, and the constant smell of rotting flesh. Garbage collection was slow to begin with(once per week on a good week) much less now. Times hard.

I cooking on a barbecue grill that I converted into a coal stove. Yes mi dear, is a good ting seh mi modda come from Mocho and mi know how fi mek up fire. Last night I even cooked for 5 additional people.

My office is displaced and condemned. I done did condemn it before any official word was given farzin to say, me and mold no gree. And not just for the aesthetics, mi have asthma and dat combination is a recipe for incapacitation and debilitation.

I walk around wid three bags per day: 1. handbag with purse and passport 2. computer bag with work laptop and my mac and all chargers for all electrical devices should in case mi buk up pon a place like dis computer department dat have generator and free plug 3. a bag of food like fruits (washed in bleach water to keep eColi at bay), cup noodles and mi chicken noodle dat mi Ma give me to eat and bottles of water and plastic fork and spoon should in case mu buk up pon a place dat have generator and microwave.

All in all.. mi a cut an go through. Di dutty tuff but a yard mi come from an mi know how fi tun me hand an mek fashion. Mi all start bun orange peel a night time fi keep when di stink smell (of the rotting flesh) and sleep wid rag full a alcohol pon me cehst so me can breathe in somethin pleasant. Farzin to say, asthma an stinking smell neither dont gree.

Anyway, as me say, mi a tun me hand mek fashion. Life spare, and mi a still get care. God a provide in the midst of the disaster. Plus no matter how likkle me have, mi a share wid mi neighbours dem.

Mi scour out me bathing bucket and keep mi dettol and bleach handy. Plenty hand wash. Mi know seh mi poly poly pon a normal and easy fi ketch sick, but in these very harsh circumstances, God strengthens mi likkle body and give me all I need to survive. Plus, ..."yuh really tink a so nigga easy fi dead.?"

Friday, September 12, 2008

God blocked it!!!!!!

by Kurt Carr

There were dangers awaiting me
Destruction was sure to be
But thank God for Angels
That were shielding and protecting
And looking out for me
Thank You lord

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No, He wouldn't let it be so

For I've got work to do
work to do

God wouldn't let me die
Because He knew I had work to do

Oh yes

And I've got life to live
There are blessings
He wants to give
God blocked it,
He wouldn't let it be so
No, He wouldn't let it be so

God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so

It was the Lord
Nobody but Jesus

God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Last night

I had the loneliest night last night. The wind kept on forcing my bedroom window open and I had to be going outside to shut it in the cold windy rain. Couldn't sleep in the second bedroom because God forbid I saw a little creature run in there. Of course that room has remained locked and I have no intention of going in there until Hercules comes on his trojan horse and rescues this damsel from her distress. So, I had to be playing gospel music on my ipod with in-ear headphones to drown out the noise which really made me feel like I was in the middle of the ocean in a horrible storm. Made it through the night. Praise God fi journeying mercies.

Not at all anticipating Ike, who is geared to come this direction too. My name is "K" not "Tina" beyatch! And please don't even mention that trifling Josephine. Didn't she succumb to her madness in the Napoleonic era?!?

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The eye of the storm

I am facing this storm alone, but I am not on my own. I have family and friends who are praying for me and whose energy propel me through my worst fears. I have the holy spirit that reassures me just when I think that the roof is definitely next, that he will never leave me nor forsake me.

So enduring this storm has become a metaphor for my life's journey. Sometimes I have to sit through some tough things alone, but I am never on my own.

I sit in my living room, covered in layers of clothing, because for the first time since April, this island is unbelievably cold. But while the wind fights and even threatens to break through my glass window panes, I am nestled in this room, away from the real harm outside. The houses below me are flooded, but my floor is dry.

I have power, internet and a damn good book to read.

There is a country gospel ballad that my cousin likes to sing:
"No matter what storm clouds may rock this ship of mine
The light of my saviour will lead me safely through the night
The seas may be rocky and my sails may be torn,
But I shall rest, in the eye of the storm"

God is my light and my salvation, of whom (or what) shall I be afraid?

Monday, September 01, 2008

Big storm, Small Island

I am facing my first hurricane alone. The rains and winds have been lashing for about 30 hours without a break. It's getting dark again, and tonight promises to be worse than last night because the storm, Hanna, has been upgraded to a hurricane since this afternoon.

I am going to make a strong drink of rum on the rocks and go in the bedroom, get under covers, hug mr. bear with my 28 year old self, call Easy Skanking Chef, and start reading the book he left for me by one of our favourite chefs, Anthony Bourdain when he falls asleep.

Hopefully I too will manage to have that fate tonight.

Rahtid lightenning bolt a strike, mi a come off mi mac before it mash up!

"Without hesitation, compromise or second thought"

A LOT has transpired over the last four weeks. So much so that I have neglected to write about it. But having sufficiently mulled it over in my head and discussed it with every close comrade willing to give an ear, I am ready to share.

After 5 1/2 years of being single, dating every kind of man imaginable (except for the ones who are obviously pathetic), and resigning myself to being a spinster, I have finally settled into a relationship. Yes my dears, Sheer Almshouse has got a boyfriend.

He isn't new. He is the same Easy Skanking Chef who I dated previously, who had retracted to go on a spiritual fast to get deeper into himself to make certain he was making the right choices. So it hasn't been smooth sailing, but nothing in life that is worth its measure, comes easily.

Love that comes without some kind of struggle is often taken for granted and abused.

I have known him since I was 15, and we have been friends for 10 years since. The friendship grew from strength to strength and then we crossed the line. He went away to the Middle East and has been working there for 2 1/2 years.

But on this visit, an exclusive vacation in my new small island posting, the stakes were higher than ever before.

We talked, and talked and shared our most intimate fears, hopes, and realities.

And then we admitted to ourselves what we knew secretly all along, we fit.

A very dear gentleman once told me (and several times hence) that he loved me "without hesitation, compromise or second thought." I give him quoting credit, but I also credit him in teaching me what love is really like. He showed me how a man loves a woman if he truly loves a woman.

So now, without, hesitation, compromise or second thought, I know that my man loves me, and so do I.

It's not perfect. We are thousands of miles and 8 hours apart. It takes him 4 planes to get to me. But he came. And even better, he will return.

He is moving here to be with me.

I have been looking for bad things to happen, since so many disappointments have come my way... but I have had to check myself. Every person, no matter what, deserves some good loving in his/her life. What about mine?

No matter what happens, all things work together for good for them who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.

So in this moment, I give thanks for what is, what was, and what is to come.
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