My dream deferred

It's going to be a long night tonight. I am tired, but wound up, going through emotions like punches coming from left right and centre.

I was angry. It went downhill from there.

Now I am just tired. I am tired of an existence that is becoming ritualistic. How may permutations can there be in this isolation? I know I have plans, a mission, but I am entitled to falling from such graceful ambition, if only periodically.

I feel pent up. Like a pressure cooker with a tight lid an weight on too tight. No steam escapes. The pressure builds.

I am roughly $700 short of funds to get my camera. With all my research, I didn't realise I was looking on the wrong lens. I also forgot to factor in the cost of getting from this 7mile long island ($170) to the one with the international airport. My budget was already tight, down to the last cent. I have to ship them within the US and fly there and pick them up myself or pay $1400 in import duties to ship directly here. I was also looking forward to christening the camera in Harlem and DC. I needed to see my cousins and their babies -who are no longer babies- who I have never seen. I needed the break. A change of scenery. The continued motion. The notion that I was on a plane taking me the fuck out of here, even for a short time.

Yet another dream deferred. One more month is a helluva long wait after 10 years. You may say "its no big deal since [I ] have already waited so long." Tell that to a mother in labour.

The distance. The wait for camera and a passionate embrace. All too much for one 5'6" woman in this moment.

I don't want to wait.I cried when I realised that I will have to wait until the end of April as opposed to March. I can't explain the disappointment. Sheer and complete agony. So many delays. So many restrictions. So much smalling up of me. And all for too long. Something has got to give.

Sigh.