A spank on the butt and a pat on the back

I have been self sabotaging myself. No I am not being mean to myself, I am being real.

So what is "self-sabotaging?"

It is the deliberate attempt to undermine one's own success, knowingly or unknowingly.

Last night I had a burger after having a very clean day, eating a wide array of nutrient filled foods. However, I missed a meal and therein started the problem.

I missed lunch. So after having dinner at a friend's (and even making my own cauliflower rice instead of eating the white rice that was supplied with meal), I had to pick up ESC at 1:00am. I didn't realize I was hungry while I was at home, but got very hungry while we were driving back. The hunger descended fast and furiously and I just had to eat. He suggested that I have burger king without the buns. That made me want the buns even more. I had a huge burger along with diet soda. I did not order the fries.

Essentially, I am eating a lot of salads and staying away from grains for now, so technically, I could have bought one of the salads that they offered. But the issue is that when I get very ravenous, my mind already has a picture of what it takes to fill me up. Clearly, that picture needs to be replaced. When I am not famished, I make better food choices and can say no to things that I know will not do my body any good.

Now that I have written it down and made a confession, I pat myself on the back for having the courage to break away from bad habits.

I remember a time 10 years ago when I didn't eat fast food and I worked out 3-4 days weekly in the gym. I had lost my taste for fast food and ate pretty well. Then my ex took me to McDonald's for breakfast when I visited him in NY (so lame - I should have walked away then) and the past 10 years have since been a roller coaster. I am not blaming anybody else but me... I am just recounting my history.

Since then, fast junk food and fries have come to be comfort foods intead of the healthy alternatives I had before. This can no longer be the case.

I refuse to be my own enemy. I will be my best friend. I will replace bad habits with good and remove unhealthy crutches from my life for good.

I would also like to note that I worked out 4x this week my first week back in the saddle and I will work up to 5x weekly by next week.


Affirmations:

• When I am famished, I will now seek a salad first.

• I will only use fast food joints when absolutely necessary and I will only order salads and grilled foods.

• I will get better at taking my health and fitness in my hands and building the intestinal fortitude to select healthy choices even when I feel stressed (like holding out until I reach home).

• I am replacing my comfort food image with that of a salad. I feel better after eating a salad. My conscience is free after eating a salad. I will walk around with a sachet of a healthy vinaigrette that I like at all times so that I can enjoy even a fast food salad without their unhealthy dressings.

• I will make lunch before I leave the house even if expect to be home before lunchtime.

• I will keep my house stacked with half prepped whole foods (like cooked seafood and meat to toss into a salad).

• I will eat on time, every time, no matter what.

• I will approach eating with the same discipline I would if my doctor had given me strict warnings of an impending life-threatening ailment.

• I deserve better.

• I come first.

• I will I will get better at this and I will reach my goals.

Celebrating me

"Belting Out" (C) 2011. All Rights Reserved.

This is the year I come into my own. I wrote that on facebook and while my goodly friends got it, one didn't. She welcomed me to a club she had joined years ago. Good for her.

"Coming into my own" is a present continuous declaration that I will continue to rise to the challenges of life, take on the battles, humble myself with the pruning, and rise to higher heights. It isn't a place you "reach" and find a nice shady parking spot. It is an ongoing evolution.

I am celebrating the fact that I know that this "Coming into my own" business is a day-to-day call to rise up and meet come whatever may with gusto. I am as I am. Present.

I am not focussed on the past neither am I on the future. I am plucking away present continuously with every breath with anectdotal inference from the past and faithful anticpation for a future built in a city of no regret.

I find that I making peace with circumstances which seemed to great to tackle. I am re-connecting with my loved ones from whom separation got the better of me. I am even beginning to accept that "It is what it is" and all that comes with "it."

I am finally seeing that I am not an accidental photographer, writer, filmmaker, broadcaster, marketing guru, creative. I am really beginning to own it. It's as if just giving myself permission to be is opening me up to a mirror through my work.

I may not have a "job" but I have "work." My work is to practice and hone my talent and to ensure that the gifts I have been given are shared with those with whom they were meant for. I wrote once that "My talents have been gifted to sustain." That still rings true. The seeds I sew with my creativity will bring a bountiful harvest, not only for me, but also for all who partake.

I am something big. I am something special. I am a lifeforce of promise, energy, love, light and joy. I say this not with pomp and pageantry, but with the reverence of a spirit who has acquiesced that she is made in the image and likeness of God. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I give praise to my creator by accepting that His creation of me is perfect. I am not perfect, but I strive for perfection. That means even though I recognise that I will always fall short, I will continue to work on being better.

"Arriving" is the antithesis of growth. It means you have plateaued and will eventually regress. Dormancy is death and degeneration.

So, today, I celebrate what is. I cherish this moment. I am alive and well and it is well with my soul.

This reminds me of my late Aunt's favourite hymn:

"When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Though has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

I give rise to me.

The reason why I write

Writing has always been my therapy... and much more effective that the child psychologist my father took me to see at 13 and the clinical psychologist I saw when I was depressed in the Island Behind God's Back.

This blog was created to help me find my voice back in 2006. I always knew I had something to say, I just didn't know what it was or how it would come out. As I grew, my writing grew more open. I wrote less in parables and turned down the volume on self editing. I realized that there was a correlation between key stroke and heart that the mind had no place in interfering especially one like mine that was so hung up on appearances and appropriateness and all those things we are taught that make people dignified.

I just started to write. I stopped thinking and I just let the words pour out of my heart and I shared them here.

I haven't advertised this blog. It is semi-anonymous. I write with a pseudonym so that the mind doesn't get too threatened in all this open heart conversation.

I know that it may come across as a little out there sometimes... and sometimes I hide behind what appears to be a flair for the dramatic, but essentially, this is me. This is the me that I am revealing to myself and I am letting you in on it as it happens. When you read my blog, you are witnessing my life, and consciousness as it unfolds.

This blog is my stream of consciousness. My posts are not pre-planned... they just flow. I start a post not really knowing how it is going to end. This is indeed my loose interior monologue This is why my writing has been so therapeutic. I write not only to share, but to reveal to myself.

Over the past year, as I came to terms with being a newlywed, I found that I had very little to say. My writing was more expository than exploratory. I wrote to keep you up to date, to tell you I was alive, but few were the moments when I would just lit my heart rip. Funny enough, the same thing that seemingly silenced me, is the very thing that is giving me back my voice.

Marriage for me has been a journey into self. I thought it was the journey of two people trying to walk together but it is way more than that. It is about getting into you and then walking together with souls bare towards the light.

I have never been more myself in any relationship and I don't think I have been more myself even when I wasn't in a relationship. It's like I am finding out more about who I really am as i find out about my life partner. It is a blessing... he seems to hold up a mirror to me and I to him. We help each other see ourselves.

We have spent more conversation hours in this one year than I may have for all of my previous relationships combined and of course, we almost never talk about the weather.

As I continue to grow and my voice continues to gain strength, no doubt my writing will reflect this. I will not write for shock value, but I will write as my heart wishes to express. For me, it isn't what comes out of my mouth that reveals my heart, it is what comes from my pen.

The sacrifices of a modern woman with an old-fashioned heart

Marriage is sacrifice. Full stop. Comma, comma, dash-dash.

I gave up my job and a link in my career chain to get married. That made me not so popular with quite a few feminists on both sides of the law. I was giving up too much, and giving away the power I had earned - independence via salary. This wasn't a popular notion in this day and age, especially since I wasn't marrying a wealthy heir to fortunes too great to lose in one generation. But was it worth it?

This is a question I have often asked myself when things are hard; when there are kinks in the marriage that seem like permanent roadblocks without detours. It usually takes a while, but in the middle of the impasse, if I get quiet enough, I ususally find my answer. The thing is that it is in those very moments that threaten to break us that hold the solutions that we seek. I feel the love between ESC and myself strongest in those intances where we struggle, knowing that even though we walk in the shadow of the valley of death, we walk in faith and commitment to see it through.

It is because I have given up so much that I have made space in my life for so much more.

It is akin to cleaning out your closet and giving things to others. You simply make space for additional blessings to flow to you. So it is with love.

My grandmother always told me that you should never give away that which is not good enough for you to wear. I sacrificed things that were very important to me, in the faith that I would find greater gifts down the road. I was making space. I am glad I did.

Sometimes we ask for too much. We want it all and all at the same time. But how is it possible for a cup to hold three times it's volume at once? Sometimes you just have to pour out some into another cup to make space for more.

I hail the work of the feminists who burned bras so that I would be free to make my decisions. I decided that I would allow my man to be a man and that I would find strength in being his woman and that there would be perfect balance in that.

Looking back, we have had to work through lots of change and the repercussions. I moved hemispheres. We got married. We have over 60 years of single life combined that we traded for the uncertainty of plurality. People do not give enough focus to new marriages and how much the first year sets the foundation. It is hard, dueling, back-breaking work and if both parties are over-worked and over-stressed from intense career pursuits, many things get lost in the confusion. It is the very fact that I have not been working full-time that has helped me and us to wade through all this.

I have also been able to find my centre like never before in my life. I am at peace. And if I get anxious, it is fleeting because now I know exactly how to tap into my source. I have learned to listen to myself and trust my wisdom. I have learned to be happy with little stimulation. When my husband gets stressed and uptight about a significant work challenge, I am aware enough to pick up on it and nip it in the bud. I can sense it in his sleep, in his eyes, and in his spirit because I have had the energy and focus to be so in-tuned. My management experience and even some of my own mistakes are useful in helping to guide him in leading his team. I am part wife, part friend, part professional mentor, spiritual and life coach. We are my job. I am my job.

I have worked my way through the depression of seclusion and the loss of my identity as a professional. It's amazing how much we overcompensate with our careers when other areas of our lives (personal) do not measure up. Once I was stripped of that, I struggled to find other things about me worth being proud of. I struggled to find who I was without a power suit and perfect TV makeup. The power dynamics changed. I was suddenly powerless. I was no longer boss of anything. I no longer had the bigger salary to be secretly puffed up about. But I found my way. One day at a time. One step at a time. I left the darkness of our studio and stepped out into the sunshine and I fed my mind, body and spirit with goodness and love. I was worth loving even if I didn't earn my own salary as a testament to my worth on this earth. Then, I found my fulcrum.

There will be days when I am going to have much on my plate and I will have to be able to meditate in the middle of the clutter. There are days when work and children and hubby will demand more of me than I think I can muster but having had this adult gap year to tap into me, I know I have found the tools to navigate the roughest seas and maintain my inner peace.

I take nothing for granted. I see each day as a miracle and I am grateful to bear witness. Nothing is certain, but we live in the hope and faith and awareness that "All things [indeed do] work for good."

Old dog learns new tricks

I have to get very grounded because my life is about to change again in a couple of months and I have to be certain that my lifestyle remains consistent. My good fitness and diet habits WERE usually the first to go when things changed dramatically (and being adventurous, I have had LOTS of change). NOT this time. NOT ever again.

Eating well and keeping my body moving has made me more alert mentally and more in-tune spiritually. I had to work hard to reach to a place of acceptance and sheer joy going from being a single and fabulous executive to a married stay at home wife in another hemisphere. It wasn't easy but I did it- by the grace of God. His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

No I have not worked out 6days a week but I have still been more consistent over a longer period than I ever have.

My metabolism is not what it used to be so it takes me longer and more intensity to get where I want to go, but I am fine with that as long as I know I will eventually get there. Slow and steady wins the race. This is not a sprint, it's a marathon and you cannot start a marathon the same way you would a sprint. I have been sprinting to lose weight and get back into shape for all my adult life. Quick fixes don't work for me. I burn out. I get bored. Furthermore, it just doesn't seem as if I lose weight on exercise. I build muscle, but I don't lose fat. I exercise because I want muscle (build and maintain) and my mind, body and spirit need movement to be in balance. My name means rhythm. There is never rhythm without movement.

Sometimes I just want to move, sometimes my bod wants to rest, sometimes I am just lazy. I just no longer have the "must be fit by Tuesday" approach to my WOL. I now believe that for me, diet is 90% of the game. Why? Because I have never really lost more than 10lbs by exercising even though I wanted to lose much more at times. When I was a fit 135, instead of losing or gaining, I gained muscle and lost inches. I was smaller but the same weight. That is usually what happens. I think everytime I have lost weight on an exercise programme since, it has been water weight (usually in the first two weeks of the programme). Yes I was eating loads of healthy foods. I still have quinoa, couscous and millet in my cupboards but they did nothing for me. The truth is, except for when I have been on Atkins, I had never REALLY had a diet that works for me.

I was able to lose and maintain weightloss on Atkins but never did it right. I used it twice as quick fixes but never moved through the phases. Now I am in Phase 2 (On-going weight loss OWL) because I need to give my metabolism a chance to heal before m body starts to let go of anymore weight. I am still trying to get to the 135lb goal I had when I started Beachbody in 2006. NO, I have not been consistent working out and my diet waned during those times but even when I did what I was told "Low fat, complex carbs, high fibre", Nada!

So less than one month before my thirtieth birthday, I am happy that I have finally found a lifestyle that works for me. I am a straight up low-carb girl of the Atkins Nutritional Approach. I am a straight up Beachbody girl because it is this forum that has kept me moving.

A day without rain

I think it safe to say that for the very first time in my life, I am striking balance. I feel like a tree, swaying to the rhythm of the breeze, yet firmly rooted in the earth.

It has taken more than a little effort to find peace in the midst of such immense change.

I am happy. I have found joy in the little details of life that we often take for granted when we are too busy to pause and see them. I find that my connection to others is deeper than ever, and I truly feel other people's joys and share their pain in depths I never thought possible.

I have also found sincere peace in solitude and stillness. I no longer need external stimulation to pass moments. I even shy away from company when the energy isn't right.

I trust my spirit and my intuition.

I trust people when they show me who they really are.

I have been spending my days feeding my body well. It is thanking me for it. I no longer have stomach problems, depression is a thing of the past, and even my eczema is keeping its ass quiet. My body is slowly morphing back into a shape I can identify with and I am eager to find out as much as I can about fitness and nutrition. I read as much as a college student but my voracious appetite is fueled by a hunger for knowledge as opposed to good grades.

God has been good to me. He really does take care of His own.

I never knew that marriage would be the very thing that grounded me but I guess wonderful things happen when you begin to walk in alignment.

I now know that I can truly find peace anywhere.

The importance of setting attainable goals. What is your Mission Statement?

The main reason why I can look back and see some measure of success in my life is because I have written down things I wanted to accomplish and have ticked them off one by one. Up until recently, the list was longer. Do this, get that, reach there, grab that. Now, it's just about taking the steps, one at a time, to realize my most authentic and optimal self by bringing mind, body and spirit into balance. Can I tell you? That is a helluva goal on its own and it needs no company. I am also visualizing it. I see it in my meditation practice, picture it before I fall asleep at night, and repeat the affirmations, even for all to see on my bathroom mirror. I, Sheer Almshouse, have one singular goal in a world of clutter, multi-tasking and multiple births.

Looking on the goal as written above... it's more of a Mission Statement as opposed to a singular goal. It is the benchmark by which all efforts are measured and directed to reach.

I realise that we cannot focus on things in isolation. "Buying the house" may mean holding on to a toxic job. "Getting married" may mean accepting the proposal of a controlling spouse and just like how we cannot just spot reduce weight off our tummies alone, we cannot avoid the whole.

I am figuring out that once you focus on fine-tuning your personal big picture, "then all these things shall be added until you."

Que Sera Sera is the antithesis of Carpe Diem

I have gone about my entire life siezing every blasted day... you know the metaphors- holding bulls by horns and taming dragons. It seemed like the most active, purposeful way to live. Isn't it what we tell our children? Sieze the day! Time waits on no man! Strive! Run until your heart bursts in your chest, then run some more! Aim higher, be better. More is better. Bigger is better. Louder is better. I managed to do well in the broadcast and marketing communication field with that innate fair for grandeur and the cultivation desire for seizing the heck out of days, and jobs.

Then a funny thing happened- nothing.

Without a job, I could either spend my entire days in pursuit of one (which I did for months everytime I panicked) or I could just sit, be quiet, and listen.

Hmmn. Doesn't jump at you as an active and purposeful way to live does it? You remember the "Pick your battles" anecdote? Apply it here.

I learned that once I was focused on just finding my centre and grounding mysel, I didn't have to worry about the noise that cluttered my mind. I could swim through it and find my moment of peace in it. Once I was fixed, I could walk on water. Everytime I panicked, I sent out a resume. When I am fixed, I realise I am happy, and that my life is fuller than ever before and that even though I may have a lot less, I have so much more. When I am fixed, I accept that my life and every step in it is ordered and that I will eventually reach every landmark in the journey that I was meant to... including work. Once I am fixed, I don't worry about defining myself solely by my work, but my ability to renew, change and transform, reaching higher levels of glory. Once I am fixed, getting a job for the money, influence or power is far less appealing that spending time to cultivate the being who will attract work that changes people for the better and provides harmonious relationships.

I know that may sound awfully kooky but I guess that is what we think of people and things we don't understand. Call me whatever you wish. I just know that I am moments away from a huge breakthrough in my life and I am going to pay attention to make certain that I don't miss it. I can feel it. It's a living breathing thing. It's this huge energy source of enlightenment. My life's work is just about to begin. I am gold, raw and filled with impurities. I just have to go through the fire to be purified.

"Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire
Is to be holy, set apart for you Lord
Ready to do Your will
Ready to do Your will"

I am not in control. The only thing I can control is the moment I have now and what I choose to do with it.

I choose not to panic. I choose not to be anxious. I choose not to be erratic. I choose to be silent. I choose to listen.

Slow on the uptake

Its 7;42a.m. and I have been awake for over an hour. Needless to say, I did not have any high glycemic carbs yesterday. I moved around more than I have in years and I am feeling my best in this moment, which is significantly better than I have in a long time.

In all of this, I didn't make the connection with my immediate circumstances and the bigger picture until my cousin LA pointed out that the job and everything else will come once I have completed the sorting through of certain things I need to address in my life.

I guess looking after me and minding my health is now my business. Full-time. I have neglected so much over such a long time that it does suit me best to be able to hone in on my core- you know peel away the layers.

I have my moments of deep contemplation and withdrawal but I feel that they are less depressive and more introspective. I have always been happy to be alone with my thoughts and now it seems I have a lot to both think and yet be quiet about.

It also just occurred to me this morning that I am STILL achieving my goals! I am digging the foundation to build an engaged, purpose driven, and active life. I am on my way to be in my best shape ever at 30- mind, body, spirit.

I feel that my growth has been as much dependent from my community of family and friends who have given me guidance, support and sometimes a hard talking to when I needed it most. My achievements, even though they may seem miniscule in the scheme of larger things, are huge to me and should equally be seen as yours. Be grateful that you have touched one more life by just being you and in doing so, helping me re-discover me.

A time for everything under the sun

I think I have been honing the reclusive elements of my personality. Maybe something just had to give. I am always the life of the party, so maybe hermitage is my spirit's call to quietude and stillness.

I don't know how to "reach out" to people who aren't "my people-" as in friend, family, combolu. I can however take comfort in merely being around people, watching them interact with each other and getting every baby who looks at me to smile and even coo.

Imelda tells me that there is a time for everything, and that pulling away to find yourself is a part of life.

I am happy that ESC and I are such good friends. His company keeps me balanced.

I am not going to fall into a dim depression though... I will pray, sweat and sculpt my head above water.

i am closer to a breakthrough than I think.

Refocusing and finding centre...yet again

It has come to that again... the point when paradigms shift and I am forced to evaluate where I am, how I got here, where I want to go and what route will take me there.

It's bigger than just being a newlywedded expat wife still trying to come to grips with a whole mass of change in a very short period. Or maybe that is all there is. Who knows? Whatever it is, it is what it is. A crossroad. A crossword. A puzzle.

I find myself torn among a few things within
-The struggle to find ways to make each day count when little is being achieved on the Over Achiever Scale of 1 to Infinite

-The fact that I have successfully used up all the savings that were to last me for a six month period within two months of my arrival

-The grim reality of just how daunting the life of being a chef's wife when you are sitting at home waiting for 15-18hrs for him to come home so that you can try to quickly run through all the things you wanted to talk about and get him in bed within an hour or two so that he can sleep for a few hours and begin a new day just like the day before and work that way without days off for one month straight or more during peak seasons which last for months at a time. A run-on for a long wait.

-Feeling so desperate to redefine an individual identity without the channels usually within reach

-Applying for jobs from here to Cairo, just to find something to do that pays, even though deep down, I am not sure that just having a job that pays will give me the meaning and satisfaction that I truly crave. I am aware that desperation forces saints into prostitution and though I am no judge, I am pretty sure that my limited experiences in this life have taught me that not all jobs are for me. Re-enter the square peg round hole debate.

-Trying to find meaning to my existence- a higher calling more fulfilling than paid labour- the work of volunteerism- realising though it costs more than time to volunteer.

But I need to. I need to be a part of something bigger than myself. To find a little corner in the host of problems rife in the world and sit with my sewing needle and start to sew my contribution to the quilt. Somehow, I feel that once I make that inner connection to my heart's work, I will find the very same channels not only to express my contribution to mankind, but to receive the bounty of fulfilment and the very means of survival that God intended.

The whole point in me packing up my life and moving across the atlantic was to find an opportunity to do things differently in a way that brings sustainable joy as opposed to fleeting happiness. I must admit though that it is hard to reconcile that with having little means and finding myself in a subset of aloneness in a much larger pond. But larger ponds provide more square footage to grow beyond anything that a Small Island Mentality could offer.

Am I creating for myself my own version of Small Mindedness or am I rising to the occasion to be a part of something bigger than myself?

I have a very supportive, though absent husband, who is my champion supporter.

I have already sent out more job applications in the past few months than the total numbers in my entire life. So now, I am sending out a new call to the universe.

I am calling for work that brings me joy, that makes a difference in a life other than my own, that allows me to manifest my Gibran philosophy that "work is love made visible." I know that the money will come. I don't know how, but I know that it will. I am sending out the call to attract good people, solid people who I can be a blessing to and who can be a blessing to me. I am sending out the call for a GPS mapping of how to get to that place where I ought to go. I am sending out the call to be healthy, mentally, physically and spiritually and attract circumstances and encounters that are on the same plane.

I am not sure what I will do. I am not sure where this train network leads. I just know that I will get off at all the right stops.

My life, though small shall be meaningful, present, and fully accounted for.

Note from a spinster

I used to hate that word. "Batchelor" conjures all things George Clooney and "Spinster"... my granny's miserable twin sister. "Batchelorette" may be politically correct but I am not certain that the British First Aid in English has made that the official synonym for "unmarried woman."

Then somewhere along the way...through great soul searching, I found my peace with the word, the term, the concept, the existence. I was an unmarried woman, no? A spinster, no less, no more.

I started off my 20s as most of us do questioning everything. God, religion, family, friendship, relationships, people, the opposite sex, the same sex, age, work, love, hope, life, peace, sanity, identity. I started off my 20s depressed.

I remember Azikiwe explaining to me at about 23 years old that my constant doodling of abstract faces and my counter-depressive practice of drawing faces with charcoal in a drawing pad was the revelation that I was questioning my identity. It was subconscious. But I had every right to be doing so.

I had some fundamental paradigm shifts in my last summer of being 19- the one that ushered in twenty. Being born in early August means that I spend two summers at every age. The ushering in...and the fading out.

It was a cathartic point. I made decisions that would forever disrupt my worldview and how I viewed myself in it. Therein lies the conflict. If I no longer knew who I was after 19 years, then who was I really?

That took me years to answer. Almost 10. And it wasn't smooth sailing.

There were some hits and plenty more misses. In the quest for finding out something of which you know the foggiest, there are often times more failures than successes. There were many lessons in that... chief of which was the one taught by the harrowing process itself- resilience. Anyone can fail. Everyone will fail. It is the process of starting over after failure that truly reveals character.

So there were many starts. I started many jobs. Many relationships. Many friendships. Many interests. Many philosophical outlooks. Many self-help projects. Yet, I continued to fail.

And then... as I developed a new language to name this new identity that I was discovering, I began to have a concept of who what where when why and why not.


Fire. Fascinating. Beautiful. Hot. Burns.

Talent. Embedded. Growth. Release.

Work. Love. Visible. Square-peg. Round-hole.

Love. Fascinating. Uplifting. Transforming. Hurts.

Grace. Undeserved. God. Granted. Revealed. Redemptive.


I have been thrashed about on love's floor and broken into pieces. Yet, like the phoenix from the ashes, I rise.

I rise, rose and continue to be risen, pressing on to greater glory higher than my own.

This is a gift...this spinster business... what else could nine years of finding yourself be?

So at the end of it all, on this the twilight of a new day in my journey, I salute the spinster in me, who has helped me to define me.

I walk away from this place whole and into a marriage whole. I am whole on my own. Even in my darkest hour. I am happy on my own. Even in my moments of utter despair. I find my own joy. It lies within when all beauties fade.

I have grown. Leaps and bounds. Ask anyone who truly knows me. But how? Because I have lived in every moment-good and bad and allowed them to take me places hitherto unreachable. In doing so, I discovered my biggest revelation of all time. Grace.

I give thanks.

The unbroken circle

These past few weeks since my arrival in Dubai have been somewhat of a crescendo in my life experience. There is a whole lot going on... and in moments like these I tend to be quiet. I have to be quiet because I know God is speaking to me.

I can't say that He speaks in a baritone or a husky English accent or even that He uses the language of Rastafari because I cannot honestly say that I know what His voice sounds like. But I don't limit his ability to communicate with me just through voice anymore. It's being led to read a passage in the bible that is applicable to what you are going through, it's seeing the way ESC looks at me, it is experiencing the fruits of a wholesome, healthy love on a daily basis, it's the small job opportunities that are aligned to where I am and where I want to go; it's leaving home and heading further than I have ever been and knowing deep in my heart that my home is anywhere ESC is; it's realising that for all the good things I see manifest on a daily basis, it is the hand of God that makes it possible.

When I tell people of the good news of our engagement and nuptials, they seem to say in accord "You deserve it." But I don't. There are more "deserving" people walking hungry in the streets. It is by grace that my blessings are given. It is with great humility that I receive.

I know, and have known perhaps forever that I am destined for greatness. Greatness is as you define it. I am realising that the greatest thing of all is to be content in whatever circumstances because "The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need." It is a humbling existence, yes, just sitting back and allowing God to be God rather than running around like a headless chicken profiling as the "in-charge" of my life. My mantra is "Let God be God." Simple but effective.

Simplicity is blissful. Truly. I am certain that I wont always have so much time to myself, but I am reveling in it now. ESC works long hours and that gives me space to do what I need to do.

I have grown. Immensely. I can recognize it. There was a time when the only time I truly acknowledged the power and grace of God was during the bad times. Now the good times are just as humbling. It means that He has sufficiently broken and moulded me to the point where I fall in thanksgiving at the sight of a blessing. I don't believe in luck. Luck is for those who do not believe in anything bigger than themselves. I don't believe in randomness. I believe in order-divine at that. And my life, as haphazard as it may seem at times, is ordered.

I see how things connect. Every conversation, every encounter, every thing I feast my eyes on, everything I listen to, every experience I have had, and even everything I do.

ESC asked me for a facial at 3am this morning and as soon as I touched his face, he began to doze off. When I was through, he hugged me and said "Thank you."

"That's what I am here for," I replied.

And it is.

I am here to love and support and challenge and encourage and give and receive. I am a vessel. My life is not my own. My dreams are a mere fragment of my purpose.

We have decided to be on a sexual fast fast in these two weeks leading up to our wedding- a lesson in restraint, but I felt deeply convicted for us to be prostrate before God alone during this time leading up to such a huge milestone in our journey. It is about us asserting that God is the centre of this union and without Him, we would not have been here, and we cannot make it. It is about seeking his continued blessings for our spiritual, physical, emotional and financial health. It is about praying for the blessings of our unborn children. It is about us individually and collectively aligning ourselves to His will.

This is the biggest step we have both made in our lives and there are lots of emotions that come with such change. This is our time to be still and know who is God, and to let His divine order take up permanent providence in the way we live our lives together.

I have learned a lot about love from ESC. In many ways, he has re-written my book of expectations. My standards we lowered and he raised them up by treating me like his queen. I feel like royalty. I am royalty. Daughter of the Most High... and queen to my earthly king.

All of this makes me humble because I can remember countless nights and days of bawling my heart out to God praying for Him to send me someone who truly loved me in a godly way. Someone to be there for me. A life partner that knew Him and was thirsty for Him.

These were my prayers from over 10 years ago. I have had my heart broken several times since because I was busy doing it on my own and looking for love in the wrong places. A girl gets hurt that way.

I am not saying that I have been a saint-by no means have I- and therein anchors my point. None of this is deserving. I am not getting any of this peace, and joy and spiritual green pasture because of something I did...it's all by grace.

There are two people in my life whom I would have loved to be here with me to experience just how much their baby has grown up- Aunty Bev and my mother's youngest sister, Cover who was more a big sis than an aunt. Both died of cancer. One when I was 11 and the other when I was 24. I know that they have been here with me all the time though, and helping me to fight my battles in the spirit.

I know ESC also wishes his father could be here. He died before he really got a chance to know him after he left his wife with 5 children. I know that ESC wants to draw on his own father's strengths and build on his weaknesses. I know that he will be a better husband and father than his own because he knows what not to do.

I thank God that I have a father who has been a brilliant example even though it hasn't been easy to have a child as fierce as me:). He never gave up on me. And my mother who has made her fair share of mistakes but who has proven to me in so many ways that there is absolutely nothing like a mother's love. For Imelda for being my surrogate... some bonds do not have to be biological to be powerful. And to Rootical Flava who has been there from day 1, through the highs and the crashes and still answers her phone in the middle of the night. I would have had a nervous breakdown or two in my life if God didn't place you all in my life.

I know that the struggles will come. They are part and parcel of the process, but as I have learned form Muslims since I have come, when things are going bad or good, I will "Look up and say 'Thank God.' "

The eve of Turning 30...a TwentySomething assessment

I just realised that I wil turn 30 in August of NEXT year! I may still be 28, but that puts things in a slightly different perspective.

There are soooo many plans I had. Goals to accomplish. Of course, all before turning 30. Alas! Life intervenes. And in a damn good way, might I add.

Forget the house, the marriage and the children and the highway to financial wealth. I am happy. I am even better than happy. I have deep-seated delight and contentment in the fact that I have spent the time really working on me. And in the most fullsome way, realising me.

Some years ago I accepted the fact that marriage and children were not an expressed and guaranteed rite of passage, especially if I really cared about who I wanted marry and the circumstances in which I want to bring children into this world.

I decided too that those standards, though high, were not to be compromised. Here's why. It dawned on me that I was perfectly whole as I am... and then without a man to truly call mine, and even now in a relationship. I recognised that these were merely add-ons from the whole list of electives that one could choose in the course of life. I also became aware that there were many others to select from.

That was the beginning of my epiphany... freeing myself from the childhood expectancy of wearing white and being labeled "mother."

I then set about the pursuit of chiseling the "woman."

I believe that finding me, my voice, my purpose and my singular yet consuming personal joy was even better.

There are still goals...a life is aimless without them, but they are different.

The older I get, the more flexible I am with them, because sometimes in executing you find that they are not worth pursuing. So you adjust accordingly.

Like the rising the corporate ladder. I was leading teams from I made my producing debut at 19 for a children's TV programme. Went into the corporate world and became a PR Manager for a Trans National brand by 25. I owned my own business by 26. Moved from my country by 27.

And got my heart broken sometime between.

The things left to do are doable. The worldwide travel. Photography. Writing. Producing and Directing moving pictures (documentaries, indie films and TV programming). Getting in the best shape of my life. Climbing Blue Mountain. Getting young people to realise their own potential in their teen and early adult years. Getting my nose pierced.

These are goals that are realistic and are will in my reach of attaining.

Owning a house, getting married, having children may come. If they do, I will be content. If not, that would be because I managed to be equally content doing all the above.

Feeling trapped

I cant seem to shirk the feeling of being trapped in a career that just represses who I am.

I just want to travel, photograph, write and work on my broadcast productions. Some people make a career of that... I was on that path..and then I encountered the higher paying PR field and then voila!

Maybe if I really bought myself the camera I want and embarked on weekend expeditions I would not feel so confined creatively. But traveling within these islands, though beautiful, is rather expensive. Return tickets to one island alone is 170 and to do a mutli-island hop would be rather expensive..especially since I will not alter my life experience much.

I just feel like there is just so much of the world to see and I am just tucked away from all that is happening.

Now that I have paid off the bills, I feel like the next thing is to save for the expedition. I have wanted to travel for so long, but never had the money even when I had the time.

I have to give myself this.

I feel like so much of my career confusion will be subdued once I give myself the gift of undiluted me... just roaming and living.. not to pay bills or have responsbilities but just to live and be creative.

I just need three months.

Or maybe six.

I just need a fucking break.