Monday, July 31, 2006

A Man and His Belly

I have been having heated discussions with my ex about my cooking. Seems like the forgetful one thinks that I never cooked enough.

The ex prior agrees, but he shouldn't say squat with all those steaks, post roasts, oxtail and curry goat dishes that he got out of me. Dont even talk about the lobster, conch and fish tea, as I made up for 20 years of him living away from Jamaica.

I've been cooking more though. More salads and everything. I can barely turn in my kitchen but there is something truly wonderful about making your own meals. I a fabulously healthy chef too! Men dont too fancy healthy cooking.

Mission Most Possible

Having completed the redecoration of di yard, I have surged full steam into Project Me. I quit a really bad habit, and have resumed other good ones that really were so far removed from my routine in the past 18 months that they really couldnt be properly defined as "habits" anymore.

I have resumed regular excercise with a vengeance. Even though I have always been active (the last 18 months deleted from all mention of activity), I have NEVER even tried to workout fro more than 4 days TOPS per week. Now, I am doing 6 days, whether or not I feel like.

Its a HUGE excercise in discipline and delayed gratification. But I am determined that I will have my teen body back. Yes I damn well want to have my cake and eat it. I want to have a body that belies my age to the lower end of the scale while possessing intellect and maturity at the top end.

Anyway, the real thing is that I really dont have space for clothes of FOUR dress sizes. I figure its better to stick to one. So i picked a number between 1 and 10 and I am working towards it.

But by far, my most compelling motivation is my belief that the older I get, the better I should look.

Here's to a hot stepping granny!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Bon Voyage!

If inertia is the resistance to change, I am slowing coming into motion.

I'm moving on!

Press along saints, press along!

Enough of this Rubish!+

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Settlers

Life is short and filled with misery. That's why good things are worth having and soulmates worth loving.

Without love, life is meaningless, as much as the act itself is a friggin pain in the ass.

I guess we are liars. We fail to be bold and fearless in love and end up in half empty relationships and marriages doomed for failure. So many of us would rather be with the one that is right on paper than who satisfies our soul.

Maybe the perennial dilemma of my twenty-something years is that at my core, I'm too honest with myself to settle. How can I knowingly accept a half empty cup when I know what it is like to be filled?

How can you?

Monday, July 24, 2006

Hindsight is 20/20

An opthalmologist told me I had 20/20 vision and prescribed me glasses.

I have made so many mistakes by analysing the hell out of situations and thinking about what others would think. If I cannot please my own damn self, what is the point in trying to please others?

Aww fuck.. I REALLY have too much time on my hands! I think I am going to jump the fence and dive into my neighbour's pool. Its so much nicer when your neighrbours have these things. They pay for the maintenance and you have all the fun.

Ahh Shut Up Already!

I have been fantasising with the idea of running away to a real strange place for the past few years.

I think its a need for shock therapy. Maybe living in a strange country with a strange language and totally foreign culture will distract me from myself.

Then I could smile and tell people things I could never get away with in Jamaica.

Sometimes living alone sucks.

I feel so retrograde. To think I have gone from cohobiting to being in love to being single for nearly three years.

Hell I dont want to think so friggin much but I just have too much time on my hands.

I think I need to start writing plays or something- at least I get to decide how things are.

Climatic Encounters

"We use orgasms to make up for all that's lacking everywhere else"

Woody Allen in Annie Paul

Friday, July 21, 2006

Reality Check

The following articulates something that I am feeling rather well, so I wont bother to write. It was written by T. Horton...

Why do we want life to be different than it is? Why do we think about who we were and who we’re going to be more than who we are now? Why do we try to predict the future with the hope that wishful thinking is enough to change it? Life is NOT the way it was. It’s the way it is. Life is not our fantasy predictions of the future or our glory days of the past. Life is that thing that is happening to you as you read this. We fall into the trap of past and future because we think the here and now is not good enough. Back then and up there are keeping you from right now.

This crazy cycle of mind hockey stems from our inability to stop caring about what we think other people think of us. The truth is that other people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are. We lament for days, weeks, or years over some comment made in passing, by someone who forgot what they said two minutes after saying it. Other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions are their unfinished business.

If you want positive long-term change in life, accept the truth of your situation and ignore the people that don’t support it. Let go of your ego and find ways to love who you are right now. Living in the past, the future, and for others destroys your ability to stay in the moment. Life has peaks and valleys, ups and downs, lessons and celebrations. This is how we grow and learn. If you’re struggling with your finances, get financial advice. If you’re unhappy with your health and fitness, EXCERCISE!. You could do nothing and hope that it all gets better on its own, or you could open a new door and find some answers. “You can’t solve a problem with the same brain that created it.” —Albert Einstein.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Three Dimensional Purview

Its weird. It seems like the longer I stay single, the more I learn about love and relationships and more importantly, about how I am as it relates to both.

There is something incredibly revelatory when we step away and take a bird's view.
I am seriously at a high point in my learning curve, as I reconcile the idealism of childhood with the realism of adulthood sans the tantrums.

I guess I am getting more and more "at peace" with myself and life, and really voicing my concerns, expectations, limitations, falure and success.

It means that when I feel like complaining about the freaking chinese people and the pigs in the worforce, I am at libery to do so. It also means that I also step away from the clutter to enjoy moments that make you simply happy to be alive.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Schizophrenic Disorders

Have you ever what in the world could make people snap and turn up to work/school with heavy powered weapons and annihiliate their miserable coworkers/ classmates/teachers?

I mean not even I can fathom how on earth people who drive you to the brink of insanity daily could eventually drive you over the edge!

Its as though the barrel brings out the in the worst in crabs.

I mean, if one has to show up everyday with the most miserable countenance and doing nothing but curse and bite the hands that feed them, honestly, if you hate the place, stay home!

I find that much of the Jamaican workforce is too caught up in playing the brow-beaten roles instead of taking responsibility for their own destiny. It's as though passing on the blame that "dem poeople ya dis".."management dis," and "government dis," exonerates one from being a personal failure.

Its not your mother's fault that you are incompetent and stop blaming your father for your commitment issues! ITs not government's fault that you have no ambition and prefer to steal or beg rather than suffer the "indiginity" of working the low paid jobs that you have quallified for.

This country is full of people pointing fingers, laying the blame on someone else, from parliament, to industries, to big scandals..."it wasn't me." People, either shut the fuck up or grow up!

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Madness of King George

You know when you look at someone- it may be a friend, who is immensly talented and full of promise and that person will just not make something of him/herself? They may struggle with substance abuse (legal/illegal), or wrangle with a past that seems to overwhelming to get by and you just see them slowly waste in sadness and depresssion and then try to drown their sorrows in alcohol, sex or whatever.

Its sad.

All of us have a touch of madness... that's what keeps us interesting... however, sometimes that line between sanity and sheer insanity seems so thin that its hard to figure who's where.

The fact is that everyone is grappling with his or her demons. We are just lucky. And who knows, we may not always be.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Invasion of the Chinese

Downtown Kingston might as well be renamed Chinatown. The chinese immigrants have taken over the wholesale shops, selling everythign from Ghucci to multicoloured flip floss in mass. It wouldnt be bad if they stayed down there, it seems like they prefer to live uptown- and into my complex.

DOnt ask me how 15 pairs of shoes of varying sizes can be on the verandah of a studio apartment. How many people are supposed to hold in a studio anyway? I cannot even find a lime on the tree, even though it grows nearest to me... they are always attacking it.

If you miss anythign, you can find it in their apartment. just ask my neighbour who had left four chairs in the washroom, only to find it missing. Turns out slit eyes were cooling out on them- what else you expect- they need all the seats.

But even worse than rumaging through and begging me for items in my rubbish, was the momemnt i steepe dout my bathroom to see this balsted chunese woman skinnig har teet and looking around at my new decor. Mi nevah even reach pon dem verandah.. how di hell she reach in mi yaard?

I dont know how communal the living is in communist china but in jamaica, we keep to wisself.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Project Me

I have given up on two things siultaneously. One was a bad habit. The other was an activity. I wont divulge more. The removal of these crutches have forced me to reclaim my centre through yoga and pilates.

I have done my yoga practice twice for the wekk already. I cannot believe that I stopped practising for such a long time- no regular practice in over 1 year! Every stretch is painful because my body had gotten fat from sedentary days, weeks and months, my muscles are tight an all flexibility gained at the height of my practice has wained.

It appears that I have been embarking on "Project Me"- a lifetime journey that get ramped up in specific phases and stages. First it was the car, then the redecoration, then the spritual cleansing, then the cleansing of bad habits and behaviours and the challenge of attitudinal change via regular yoga and meditation, along with routine excercise and dietary modifications.

I am essentially cleansing myself of 18 months - 3 years of things that were not good for me. I am working on me instead of waiting for things to fall into place. Life has a way of attracting good to those who are in a good place.

The Kids Corner

As it seems, my place is becomming the hang out spot for the under 10 residents of my complex.

This Sta they will be coming to watch Wallace & Grommit, one even suggested that she would bring along a friend. I guess animated DVDS and homade icecream is the under 10 version of adult wine & cheese tet-a-tetes.

But hey, children like good people- what can I say?
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