How far along am I ?

It's past 2:00 a.m. and I am on my third load of laundry since ESC went to bed. I stopped staying up later than him months ago, choosing to go to retire with him or before. Tonight was a little different. For some reason, I just wanted to get some laundry done.

I guess this means that my energy levels were pretty high, which is a great thing after 3 months of consistent exercise and losing 18lbs.

Things are going well with my weekly column, though my pay was slashed by 20% after my very first month. Well the truth is all of us weekly contributors to the mag were offered the chance to keep 100 percent but with frequency reduced to every other week. I opted to keep my weekly status and take the cut that way.

I have been lagging in posting to our food blog. My hands have been hurting badly due to overuse and so I have had to limit my time on the computer and give priority to paid work. The biggest irony is that my work happens on the computer and on the smartphone, since I am now earning a very modest income as a working writer and a part time social media consultant. Furthermore, working from home means that my interaction with the outside world happens via these very devices that cause tremendous stress to my poor hands.

So funny enough, I have been finding housework very therapeutic. Washing dishes and tidying the kitchen is a much welcomed break, as is doing the laundry and folding clothes. Chopping can be a little hard sometimes but I do eat the majority of my meals at home so I have to cook to eat. Somedays I hurt so much that I just have to strike to get some relief. Even holding the TV remote can be too much on those days.

Tweaking my diet
I am changing up my diet again this week. I have been stalled for 21 days (July 30) so I decided to get drastic this week and clean up all processed foods from my diet. I had gotten used to using low-carb products as a crutch, esp when away from home but it has not served my purpose well. I also find that I cannot seem to lose weight eating cheese anymore so I just have to refrain until I am closer to goal. I will re-introduce cheese later on and see how my body responds to it. In the meantime, no dairy this week. Next week I will add organic Greek yoghurt as well as berries, cherries, melon and nuts- hopefully 2-3 days apart to see how my body responds. After that, I will add pulses including chickpeas, lentils and so on perhaps once per week. Once I figure how those work for me, I will add whole grains in the form of oatmeal and buckwheat once per week. I am gearing up for oatmeal by September. I miss oatmeal so much!

This whole "low carb" concept is not a "no carb" one. Some people just do better with less starchy carbs period- whole or not. No one does well with sugars and refined carbs so those will always be avoided but the whole idea is for me to find out what foods work with my body and those that do not. I will also find out what foods and in what quantity and frequency I can eat and lose weight or maintain weight, which is critical for long-term weight management. I had gotten to a point where I simply couldn't stop myself with certain trigger foods.

Too often we go on drastic fad diets replacing meals with shakes or pre-packaged meals but of course the weight comes piling back after we return to our "regular" diets because we haven't learnt how to feed ourselves to get those results. I know how to eat well and cook whole foods. I just need to learn the numbers, combination and frequency, since I have tended to over-feed on healthy carbs in the past. So with this approach, as I lose weight, I will be eating the very same foods that I will eat at goal weight.

Veggie Lover
Since going low carb, I have a new appreciation of vegetables and I have probably eaten more in my low carb days than all the days of my life combined. I now see salad as a filling, tasty and healthy alternative and can eat an entree salad as a whole meal without bread. That lesson alone will undoubtedly help me to maintain my goal weight when I reach it because I can easily have salad for dinner everyday with the odd dinner party thrown in. Essentially, I am learning balance. Funny enough that is the point of this mission- to bring my mind, body and spirit into balance.

Water & supplements
I am also drinking LOTS of water and guzzling loose leaf green tea. In fact, I am supplementing very well with high quality supplements that restore nutrients that would be lacking when one is losing weight.

I've been moving it!
I am also up to working out 5x per week. I worked my way up from 3 days and sometimes even have 2 workouts per day. Do not be alarmed. I live in a one bedroom apartment and most days I never have to go through my front door. I need all the movement I can muster. See one of the reasons I packed on the weight in the first place? I force myself to go to the gym, which most days is the only way I would see anyone for longer than the 30mins a day I see ESC. Major kudos to me... I am lifting the heighest ever free weights and working my upper body like never before. My body is already re-shaping.

I have a fitness buddy
She is all the way in CT, USA but I am happy for her. We are the same age and are on the same diet so that helps. This is the very first tme I have had a fitness buddy and she and I have been trying to lose the same pounds for a while. We challenge each other that this is our year to get it right.

I made a vision board
You know me by now. I am always writing down my goals and expressing my intention to the universe. This time I went a step further and put them into pictures and placed the collage above my desk.

Paying it forward
I have inspired my hubby to finally go for the six pack. After the miscarriage, he resumed working out regularly at home while I was packing on the pounds, hoping to inspire me to get going again. It took an inner thigh blister to get me going and since then, I have been inspired and focused on hitting my dream fitness goals once and for all. I have showed him the pics of what I am aiming for and we have discussed it (he's fine with a hellfire buff and fit wife). I have shared everything I have learned about nutrition and supplements and have even put him on a regimen. He has never looked better. Chefs generally look older and haggard due to their hours but he is looking mighty fine if I may say so myself and he feels so stoked that he too is aiming for his perfect beach body (which he hasn't had since his college days). We might as well strike while the iron is hot. Later on we will ensure it stays hot.

A strong mind starts with a fit body

I saw that sign in the gym last night and was so struck by it that I had to take a pic and share with my fitness buddy. Yes, for the first time ever, I have one of those, and I think that is just one of the reasons why this time will be different.

So I am down 18.7lbs altogether. Not much since my 15lb loss recorded in my previous post, but I was lifting heavier last month as part of an extreme 3 month fitness routine that promotes muscle gain and fat loss. The second phase, which requires heavy lifting for 6-8 reps is an intense muscle and strength building phase. Many people actually report weight gain during this phase so I should be happy that I lost a total of 6.6lbs during those 30days. I had to rest my hands for a while because of the carpal tunnel, so I did cardio, kickboxing and increased daily activity and delayed Phase 3 until yesterday. Yesterday I worked out for 2 hours, which felt really good. I am rebuilding my stamina. I remember when I used to have 2hr sessions every gym day.

So now Phase 3 is the Lean Phase, where I will be increasing reps to 10-12 and doing combo free weight exercises which promote engaging the core for stability. This is the phase where people see their best results during the 90-day routine.

After completing this CLX routine, I am thinking of doing 30 days of Slim in 6 and doing another rond of CLX. I have heard that many people get maximum results when they break with a lower intensity programme like Si6 and then resume a secound round of CLX.

Well enough of the workout geek talk and back to the heart stuff.

The darn scale
I have been struggling mentally with not seeing the scale budge over the last 2-3 weeks. It is not easy to be working hard and eating on plan and then the scale suddenly stops moving. I know technically why (I just explained it above) but that still doest seem to stop the feelings of frustration.

Mirrors and photos
I am also having a very tough time with other people's photos of me. You know the kind that immortalize you in your very worst light? Well imagine how much worse when they are added to shared via social networking. I have been depressed 2 times over the past 2-3 weeks with a friend's snapshot that includes me. I seem to look much worse sitting down than standing up. This friend is very proud of my efforts and extremely supportive and I know she thinks I have come a far way and wants to celebrate, but all I see when I view those pics is just how far I still have to go. ESC has been trying to coach me to appreciate how far I have come and focus on the victory instead of being overwhelmed by the distance ahead. Easier said than done. I think this is why many obese people just never complete their weight loss journey- it just seems like an uphill battle that has no end in sight.

I also despise the mirrors at the gym and in elevators. I must have been blind while I was getting fat but suddenly my vision is clearer and all I can see are the faults. I honestly think I am struggling with body dysmorphia.

I am much bigger than I have ever been in my life and I am just not comfortable with being mediocre anymore where my health and fitness are concerned. I am still on a mission to lose another 55lbs and am dead set on getting there.

I realize that I have a much smaller image of myself mentally (since I was never fat until 5 years ago) and I have a hard time accepting what really is.

Hormonal drama
I also have to be kind to myself and cut myself some slack for all that I went through over the past six months. My pregnancy and miscarriage threw my hormones even further out of whack and I am still trying to re-balance. I have also read where lots of women put on a lot of weight in a very short time after a miscarriage. I do not have to wonder why.

Growth
I am resetting a lot of habits and lifetstyle activities that will help me to maintain my losses for a lifetime. I can now say "no" to sweets. Also very surprising, I can have a tiny amount of something. I have truly come a far way.

Pressing on
Even though I have not seen the scale move, I am still moving. My body may be a little confused and think "she is going to stop soon as usual" but not so! I am more determined than ever to bring my body into balance! I just feel like my entire life depends on it and I will not stop until I accomplish all my goals!

I am off to work out with ESC now!

15 lbs lighter

That's right. I have lost 15lbs over the past 6 weeks. That is an average of 2.5lbs per week which is steady and very encouraging. At this rate, my body is likely to lose consistently and I am on track to goal weight by December.

I am tracking my weightloss in 5lb intervals with rewards for each milestone reached. My last reward was a zumba class (which has hurt up my knee- why wont I learn with my dance injuries?) The next one is 2lbs away.

I have been busy with my weekly column as well as a new social media project with a big middle eastern retailer.

That's it for now... all the best to you and yours.

Biting off less

I have decided to pace myself as it regards taking on projects and making additional commitments. I think that while I re-adjust to my weight loss efforts, I should factor in time for myself to make meals, exercise, renew my mind, nourish my spirit and rest.

There is truth to the expression that one has "stopped taking care of oneself" or letting oneself go" in relation to being out of shape. People who have issues with weight often struggle with putting themselves first amidst other competing priorities.

I am now on a mission to build my life around my personal needs as opposed to trying to fit my personal needs into my life.

My lifestyle is one of health, fitness and balance and everything I do will resonate this. I will be able to make a very good income from the things that bring me happiness. My work will bring me immense joy and will positively affect the lives of others.

Whatever is not aligned to that mission, has no place in my life.

I will be happy with my circumstances and I will be at peace with my lot.

I will take the time to nourish myself so that when I share myself through work and interpersonal relationships, I will be sharing the best of me.

I will do my workout routine daily, as well as a 30 minute walk to increase my level of activity. I will make healthy meals for myself and monitor my food intake daily. I will pack my meals with the same care as I would for my child.

I will put myself first.

I choose to believe in myself and the power I have within me.

I will let my light shine.

A spank on the butt and a pat on the back

I have been self sabotaging myself. No I am not being mean to myself, I am being real.

So what is "self-sabotaging?"

It is the deliberate attempt to undermine one's own success, knowingly or unknowingly.

Last night I had a burger after having a very clean day, eating a wide array of nutrient filled foods. However, I missed a meal and therein started the problem.

I missed lunch. So after having dinner at a friend's (and even making my own cauliflower rice instead of eating the white rice that was supplied with meal), I had to pick up ESC at 1:00am. I didn't realize I was hungry while I was at home, but got very hungry while we were driving back. The hunger descended fast and furiously and I just had to eat. He suggested that I have burger king without the buns. That made me want the buns even more. I had a huge burger along with diet soda. I did not order the fries.

Essentially, I am eating a lot of salads and staying away from grains for now, so technically, I could have bought one of the salads that they offered. But the issue is that when I get very ravenous, my mind already has a picture of what it takes to fill me up. Clearly, that picture needs to be replaced. When I am not famished, I make better food choices and can say no to things that I know will not do my body any good.

Now that I have written it down and made a confession, I pat myself on the back for having the courage to break away from bad habits.

I remember a time 10 years ago when I didn't eat fast food and I worked out 3-4 days weekly in the gym. I had lost my taste for fast food and ate pretty well. Then my ex took me to McDonald's for breakfast when I visited him in NY (so lame - I should have walked away then) and the past 10 years have since been a roller coaster. I am not blaming anybody else but me... I am just recounting my history.

Since then, fast junk food and fries have come to be comfort foods intead of the healthy alternatives I had before. This can no longer be the case.

I refuse to be my own enemy. I will be my best friend. I will replace bad habits with good and remove unhealthy crutches from my life for good.

I would also like to note that I worked out 4x this week my first week back in the saddle and I will work up to 5x weekly by next week.


Affirmations:

• When I am famished, I will now seek a salad first.

• I will only use fast food joints when absolutely necessary and I will only order salads and grilled foods.

• I will get better at taking my health and fitness in my hands and building the intestinal fortitude to select healthy choices even when I feel stressed (like holding out until I reach home).

• I am replacing my comfort food image with that of a salad. I feel better after eating a salad. My conscience is free after eating a salad. I will walk around with a sachet of a healthy vinaigrette that I like at all times so that I can enjoy even a fast food salad without their unhealthy dressings.

• I will make lunch before I leave the house even if expect to be home before lunchtime.

• I will keep my house stacked with half prepped whole foods (like cooked seafood and meat to toss into a salad).

• I will eat on time, every time, no matter what.

• I will approach eating with the same discipline I would if my doctor had given me strict warnings of an impending life-threatening ailment.

• I deserve better.

• I come first.

• I will I will get better at this and I will reach my goals.

My fitness goals

This time, I am going to be a little more specific. The last time I simply stated that I wanted to bring mind, body and spirit into balance. That was all well and honourable but good goals are measurable. How does one measure "balance?"

I am also aware (as I have been for years) that my major issue where fitness is concerned is that I need to be consistent even during major transitions in my life. When life throws me curve balls, I need to be flexible enough to adapt quickly without getting off my fitness plan. In the past, a new job with new demands would be enough to stop my workouts and having not worked out in a while, I would start to slack off of my diet since I no longer had the daily awareness of what it took to burn calories. I would then pack on the weight and be dismayed about falling off the wagon yet again and history would repeat the worst of itself.

It was easy to commit once I had all variables under control, but I waned when the changes came. Unfortunately, I have learnt that commitment is not defined as the determination to stick to something as long as it is convenient and it is the reverse that is true.

Nowhere is this more evident than in marriage or child-rearing. You simply cannot make excuses and put relationships and children on hold during rough times. You have to work through the hardest times if you ever want to enjoy long term success.

Excelling through the good times does not make you a winner. It is when you give your best, even when the odds are against you that you are worthy of being called victorious.

Finally, the challenge doesn't end when one reaches a personal goal. We then have to set new goals to challenge us to maintain or better our successes. This is a lifetime commitment, not a one-season daytime drama. I am in control of my destiny. I will reach and surpass my fitness goals.

MY FITNESS GOALS

1. To get to 135lbs and a very healthy BMI

2. To be size 6 again

3. To maintain my size 6 for life

4. To live low carb for life, even during pregnancy

5. To workout 5x weekly

6. To have a daily yoga/pilates practice

7. To workout during pregnancy

8. To become a Certified Fitness Trainer

9. To be certified in nutrition and weight management coaching

10. To help others meet their life goals through fitness and nutrition

11. To have an active lifestyle, taking up sports and having friends who are also active.

MY REWARD SHEET

195lbs- whey protein isolate

190 zumba class/ salsa class + stationary for letter writing

185 cute sneakers

180 cute gym clothes

175 SelecTech weights

170 Good yoga mat

165 iPad

160 yoga class

155 Persian Rug

150 Luxury Spa Weekend Getaway with hubby

145 Manolo Blahnik shoes

140 Botega Vanetta/ Fendi/Prada/ Chanel bag

135 Necklace/Ring and trip to India

Whether my scale bears witness or not...

1. I am getting smaller.

2. I am chiseling away the fat, armed with the sturdy tools of the Atkins Nutritional Approach.

3. I am feeling in control of my diet. I am eating in a manner I believe in and my body says yes. I have not been perfect. No one is. But I have more control and power than ever before.

4. Saying "No!" makes me feel sexy.

5. I am looking good- and I will say so myself thank you very much! My skin is smiling back at me with the suppleness of youth and not the eczema plagued rawness that it became over the past 2 years.

6. I got me a Buttt lift- all natural. The squats and lunges have injected youthful exuberance back into my tush and thighs and it only makes me want to walk and shake it some more!

7. I can go clothes shopping without dread, anxiety and a 5-day post 'partum' shopping depression. Yes, shopping was akin to giving labour without epidural without the warm fuzziness and oxytocin of a baby at the end of it. No longer do I have to "walk on by" nice things and sales. I can find clothes that fit AND flatter even though I am still sizes away from my goal weight.

8. I come home and model my finds like I used to before I got secretly dismayed of how my body was morphing beyond recognition. It is back to proportions that I can identify with.

9. I am buying clothes for 'right now' and for 'around the corner'. I believe that we SHOULD endeavor to look our best at any size and that means right now. I think for my birthday, I am going to buy myself a size 6 pants. That is THREE sizes down but that is my promise to myself that I WILL reach there within the year. I always wanted to be in my best shape at 30 and I haven't been a size 6 since in 6 years.

10. You see all this self-indulgence? I am WORTH it! It was the lack of indulgence that got me here. Putting me on the back-burner. NO MORE! I am worth sitting down and thinking about and re-affirming and loving. I am! I am! I am! I will renew mind mind, re-affirm and free my spirit and love my body into its best health.

Old dog learns new tricks

I have to get very grounded because my life is about to change again in a couple of months and I have to be certain that my lifestyle remains consistent. My good fitness and diet habits WERE usually the first to go when things changed dramatically (and being adventurous, I have had LOTS of change). NOT this time. NOT ever again.

Eating well and keeping my body moving has made me more alert mentally and more in-tune spiritually. I had to work hard to reach to a place of acceptance and sheer joy going from being a single and fabulous executive to a married stay at home wife in another hemisphere. It wasn't easy but I did it- by the grace of God. His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

No I have not worked out 6days a week but I have still been more consistent over a longer period than I ever have.

My metabolism is not what it used to be so it takes me longer and more intensity to get where I want to go, but I am fine with that as long as I know I will eventually get there. Slow and steady wins the race. This is not a sprint, it's a marathon and you cannot start a marathon the same way you would a sprint. I have been sprinting to lose weight and get back into shape for all my adult life. Quick fixes don't work for me. I burn out. I get bored. Furthermore, it just doesn't seem as if I lose weight on exercise. I build muscle, but I don't lose fat. I exercise because I want muscle (build and maintain) and my mind, body and spirit need movement to be in balance. My name means rhythm. There is never rhythm without movement.

Sometimes I just want to move, sometimes my bod wants to rest, sometimes I am just lazy. I just no longer have the "must be fit by Tuesday" approach to my WOL. I now believe that for me, diet is 90% of the game. Why? Because I have never really lost more than 10lbs by exercising even though I wanted to lose much more at times. When I was a fit 135, instead of losing or gaining, I gained muscle and lost inches. I was smaller but the same weight. That is usually what happens. I think everytime I have lost weight on an exercise programme since, it has been water weight (usually in the first two weeks of the programme). Yes I was eating loads of healthy foods. I still have quinoa, couscous and millet in my cupboards but they did nothing for me. The truth is, except for when I have been on Atkins, I had never REALLY had a diet that works for me.

I was able to lose and maintain weightloss on Atkins but never did it right. I used it twice as quick fixes but never moved through the phases. Now I am in Phase 2 (On-going weight loss OWL) because I need to give my metabolism a chance to heal before m body starts to let go of anymore weight. I am still trying to get to the 135lb goal I had when I started Beachbody in 2006. NO, I have not been consistent working out and my diet waned during those times but even when I did what I was told "Low fat, complex carbs, high fibre", Nada!

So less than one month before my thirtieth birthday, I am happy that I have finally found a lifestyle that works for me. I am a straight up low-carb girl of the Atkins Nutritional Approach. I am a straight up Beachbody girl because it is this forum that has kept me moving.

Where I am now- fitness and re-balancing

1. In the last 18 days, I have lost 3 inches off my waist
2. In the last 7 days, I have lost 3lbs!!! ( I was at a plateau for over a month and just resumed losing again).
3. I have gone from 15% towards my physical goals to 38%
4. I have undergone a spiritual metamorphosis over the past 3 months... finding my centre and my Source
5. I have gotten stronger mentally... overcoming addictions that gripped me for years.
6. I got a job this week
7. So did my hubby in a new country
8. Hubby has lost 6lbs and some good inches himself.
9. I am enjoying how tasty my diet is and ESC is doing a better job cooking for me because he doesn't see any "culinary blasphemy" like skimmed milk in the fridge. !!

NO I am NOT pregnant, I am just FAT, now leave me alone!!!

There is a difference when my Ma and those women in my family henkering for a baby to coddle ask.. "You pregnant?" after hearing that I have been vomiting or something. But.. under the following circumstances, who wouldn't be just a tad upset? This has been the subject a lot lately and I swear I am burying this issue once and for all. Read on.

I just need to vent....
Last night I met a sister of my hubby's friend for the first time and she asked me if I was pregnant. Let me tell you ladies something. This is THE LAST TIME someone is going to ask me that question unless I am really pregnant!!! It totally upset me and not because I was packing some weight but because I have been working hard for months and had already sen improvements. Even my own hubby the day before offered " Your body is really re-shaping... i can see the changes in your thighs, arms, stomach and back." Now one day later this woman WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET meets me and unwittingly attempts to shatter my progress?1?!!?? NO sah! A no so it go! I know that she wasn't necessarily being mean- we are newlyweds - but no woman over 25, much less over 30 should EVER be so insensitive to another woman. If I am pregnant, she willl find out, no?

Of course ESC was upset that the comment was made... he has publicly defended me in the past. He is still trying to convince me that i really dont look pregnant.

Furthermore, I don't want to be put in the defensive over my own body. I am working out my issues on my own thank you. Sometimes we women are just too nuff... (inquisitive). Why do we need to know if if that is a weave or her own hair, eyelashes or a real Prada bag? When can "how are you?" or a mere "You look happy" suffice.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
We are our sister's keeper. Men look about each other. We on the other hand, even though sometimes unwittingly can be our worst enemies. My granny always said "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing." It is true! Smile and say "It's good to see you!" I used to hear visitors come by the house over and over and the first thing she greeted them with is " It is lovely to see you. You look WELL!" I think she was on to something.

"Wellness" is not just about fat or skinny or rich or poor or whatever. It goes waaaaay beyond the surface... like my granny did when she met somebody... she saw all the way to their souls. No doubt, people have always left her presence encouraged, even if she eventually challenges them, she does so with an art that builds and not destroys. We are active partcipants in each other's victories and we are quick to lift each other up even when we ourselves could use a prop. We are our sisters' keepers. Now, let's take that love and energy to the streets.

Listening to my body

My energy levels ebb and flow throughout the days. I am going to learn to maximize my workouts by doing them when I am in one of my peaks. My knees have been giving me a few cautionary tales. Kinda sucks, but you know, I just have to listen. I have to do more yoga.

I accept

That I am building strength but am far from being strong
That it is hard to not be able to do the things that were once easy
That it takes courage to stick to something that is difficult and doest yield quick results
That some days I fall off but I never stay off anymore
That it is OK to be a little overwhelmed every now and then
That everyday is not the same
That some days I can climb mountains and others I can just walk a mile.
That I will get reach my destination one mindful choice at a time
That anything good is hard to come by
And that anything worth keeping must be fought for.
Today and everyday is the day of salvation
I will save myself.

So what? I am a bum!

I go to bed anywhere between 2- 5a.m. I have been waking up between 11a.m-1p.m. So what? I am a bum.

I have a fried who nods off at 9pm, is fast asleep by 10, up by 5 to send her hubby off to work and has been calling from 9am onwards. She hasn't really gotten the memo. I hate when people wake me up for no reason. I work out past night. My body is tired in the morning. I don't have a job to get up for, and since I don't, I would rather sleep all my sleep now because there are many years of sleeplessness in my future.

I am not depressed. I am happier now than I have been in months. I got in trouble for sliding down the crescent side bars in the lobby of the cinema on Sat. That's not depression... that's a zest for life rival only to children. I am laughing deeper and quicker and being more playful. I am moving about more in my waking hours, scarcely keeping still with the renewed energy reserve I have found myself with. My body is re-shaping into something I find more familiar. I think I am looking younger. I certainly am feeling younger. Less aches and pains and I can even manage to dance hooker heels for a good 20 mins. I can dance! We went out dancing 3 weekends in a row! I have discovered HEALTHY ways of eating without cooking! Talk about smoothies, and sandwhiches! I am eating what I want.... just in moderation! My man loves the renewed me and is playing his part to aid my continued rejuvenation. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP UNTIL I AM DAMN GOOD AND READY TO GET UP!!!!

I have the most beautiful dreams and I hate being stirred in the middle of them. I meet my loved ones in my dreams and I cherish the conversations. So why on earth am I being called before I want to get up?

Anyway, it's 1pm and I need to go blend breakfast and get rid of this acidic mood.

The objectives this time around

I am not trying to get slim. I am trying to get fitter.

I am not doing it for anybody else to approve of. I am doing it for me.

I don't have magical "Must sell by" deadline anymore. The days of my life will forever be altered...but one step at a time.

I am not outlawing any foods and experiences. I am just making better choices and having "Foods Previously Banned When on a Fitness Craze" in moderation.

I am not doing it alone. We are working in healthier lifestyle choices into our marriage and working out together.

I am not beating up on myself. Been there. Done that. Now let's just use this current state as an opportunity to get fit and stay fit for a lifetime.

Pain free breath- what happens when you stop smoking

Today is Wednesday, the day before Thursday. Thursday will be two weeks since I decided to stop using cigarettes as a crutch and to quit so I could open up my lungs and really get fit.

Last night ESC and I did 50 mins of kickboxing. I wore weighted gloves weighing 0.5kg (1.1 lbs) each. I could breathe! There was no tightening in my chest, no feeling winded, no lactic acid build up!!! I did however feel tight in my injury free knee so i didn't push it to the max as I could have done (breath and stamina-wise) for the first time in years. It felt good. Really good.

I feel like I have accomplished something exceptional. I guess I am that kind of girl :) Yes it has been a damn struggle but I rose to the challenge and have been facing it head on. These are the moments in movies and plays that makes all of us find hope in our own struggles. It's catharsis in the making; the introduction of the elements of victory over the impossible: "Life, meet Struggle. Struggle, meet Courage. Courage, meet Commitment. Commitment, meet Hope. Get very acquainted."

The show must go on

Last night I looked at some pictures of me taken over the weekend right after watching The Biggest Loser. Talk about motivation!!!!! I did a resistance workout with Beachbody's Chalene Johnson with her Turbo Jam routine. I also got a cheap yoga mat and meditated afterwards. ESC came home and did the 1hr kickboxing routine while I tried to get to sleep to get up early for a free yoga class on the football field in my complex. I woke up tired... saying to ESC "I have a really long journey in front of me... it won't happen overnight." To my surprise, still groggy, he replied "And I will be with you every step of the way." I see that my cousin Celia has also said the same thing... for your support, I give thanks. I don't at all feel sorry for myself... I accept where I am right now and that this whole experience is making me a better person.

We all have our own versions of Waterloo in our lives, and if we are up to it, we face many different Battles of Waterloo during our lifespan. Facing such a battle more than once means that we have managed to survive the previous encounter, which was tough enough to be to Napoleon's undoing.

I am taking baby steps this time. Making small goals. I ate a bowl of ESC's deliciously tasty and healthy chicken soup before heading out to an Easter Brunch with the buffet from hell and it was worth it. I arrived without feeling very hungry and was able to taste the items before putting them on my plate, making certain that I took moderate servings of only those things that were tasty and moderately healthier (you can never be sure in a buffet). I also had only about 1/6 of my regular dessert helping. But by far the best thing ever, is that I was healthy enough to drag ESC into the living room and by example, declare the space the dance floor. We danced up a storm! I didn't even remember my toe injury and I breathed my way through every cigarette craving.

I have also decided to spend MUCH less time online and watching TV. These are really mindless activities that dont stimulate me enough physically and only help to keep my metabolic rate on the slow end.

I have been meditating a lot lately. I have also been visualizing also. Not to mention affirming.

Life is behaviour (Today's inspiration from Tony Horton)

Originally published on his Tony Horton Blogspot:

I have learned from my own experiences (filled with the usual trials and tribulations) that life has stages. These stages can occur in any and all aspects of life. Physical, spiritual, psychological, financial, romantic, adventurous, familial, and so on. As you look back at your life (so far), you can see where you've excelled and where you've come up short.

Most people only focus on two or three of the above categories their whole lives. Other areas of life are neglected because of lack of interest or desire or necessity. The truth is that most men (and many more women these days) spend a substantial amount of their time working to keep a roof over their head, food on the table, and money in their pocket. Many homemakers (male and female) spend a majority of their time keeping the hatches battened down.

So if life feels like an endless episode of Survivor, then how the hell do we focus on what I call the "Bliss Maker" areas of life—the romantic, spiritual/psychological, physical, purposeful, and adventurous? The three key ingredients for finding bliss in these areas of life are TIME, ENERGY, and the REASON why. If you live in a 9-to-5 world and feel overwhelmed, then it's going to be pretty tough to find the time, energy, and reason to find your true bliss.

The average person can find temporary bliss in food, alcohol, drugs, tall tales, and sex. This kind of short-term bliss will take away health, consciousness, rationality, discretion, accountability, and responsibility. Along with distorting values and a sense of morality.

If you're lucky enough to finally discover that there is more to life than making a buck, feeding your face, getting off, and manipulating reality, you'll start to inquire about how to find your bliss. Then you'll have to begin to find the TIME, ENERGY, and REASON.

Time isn't that difficult really. You look at your schedule, move some stuff around, explain to people what you're doing, and figure out a reasonable TIME frame in which to accomplish your goals. ENERGY is a piece of cake! You can master that every time you decide to Push Play! Doing Power 90® or any other kind of physical activity will automatically propel you into one of the most important "Bliss Maker" categories. The REASON why is probably the most difficult and complicated variable when it comes to long-term success and bliss.

To pursue your bliss by means of dishonesty, manipulation, coercion, or the need to seek grandeur will backfire worse than any short-term pleasure ever will. If your spiritual pursuits create a "holier than thou" attitude, then all your learned dogma will fall on deaf ears. If you exercise hard and long just to look hot at your high school reunion, then talk to me the next day when the show is over. If you start looking for adventure for the sole purpose of acquiring trophies, will you still enjoy it if you fail?

If you ever chase any of these areas of life for the REASON or PURPOSE of looking for attention, accolades, and kudos from others, then you are doomed to a life of confrontation, depression, confusion, illusion, and delusion. I never said that pursuing your bliss was easy. That's why most people who try . . . fail.

You can avoid failure by pursuing your bliss with clarity, wisdom, acceptance, vulnerability, patience, consciousness, and truth. These "words" in both the selfish and selflessness ilk represent your intention. Your intention is everything and the only thing that matters when it comes to the right use of will.

I believe that real lifelong change and bliss are achieved over the course of three very separate stages:

Recognition. Knowing and understanding that there must be a shift in the way you approach certain segments of your life and an undaunted willingness to want to make a change.
Catharsis.The period of time you spend venting, releasing, and unleashing the emotions that keep you from your bliss.
Application. The employment and utilization of the tools you've learned through the cathartic stage.
If you can move through these three stages with the right intentions, then you will know what it's like to live on this Earth in a state of bliss.

Peace,
Tony H.

Finding balance; the Daily Om

Earthbound
The Pursuit of Conscious Wholeness

Striking the right balance between our physical and spiritual aspects is oneof the most challenging aspects of existence. We are dual beings by nature,spiritual entities bound to earth by physical bodies. In our lifetimes, we are charged with the duty of nurturing and tending both with equal devotion and love. Yet while both aspects of the self are deserving of honor and respect, there is a tendency for people who are more spiritually focused to ignore, avoid, or dismiss their bodies. Similarly, many individuals are entirely ensconced in the carnal realm and pay no attention to the needs of the soul. In both cases, an adjustment is in order. We are whole only to the degree that we embrace both sides of our beings.

If the soul is the inward manifestation of our consciousness, the body is the living, breathing expression of that consciousness. The physical self provides the home in which the spiritual self takes root and flourishes. Just as we must tend to the seed of the soul to ensure that it grows strong, so, too, must we care for the protective shell that is the body to make certain it is capable of playing its role in our development. Though there will no doubt be times in our lives when we feel more comfortable focusing on the spiritual self or the physical self, denying the fundamental importance of one or the other can lead to ill health, emotional distress, and a sense of incompleteness. Both facets of the human experience play a vital role in our well-being.

The body and the soul are the yin and yang of our current reality. They are, at this point of human evolution, irreparably bound together, and many spiritual teachers agree that the body is one of the greatest vehicles through which to access the soul. In fact, many believe that our spirit has chosen to be embodied as an essential part of our spiritual development.

Consequently, it is the responsibility of each person on the planet to forge a marriage between the two, so that these disparate aspects bring out the best in each other, creating a vibrant, dynamic, and workable whole.

Why did I get fat?

1. Because I ate all those calories...
2. Because I didn't burn them off..
3. Because I knew how to burn the excess when I was good and ready
4. Because somewhere along the way, I just stopped really looking in the mirror
5. Because I used food for comforting a multitude of sins and distresses (going out for drinks to de-stress after work instead of hitting the gym.
6. Because everytime I got back into shape, I stopped doing what I needed to do to stay there
7. Because age and high metabolism was on my side and I didn't change when they became my arch enemies
8. Because I have been lazy and I keep on putting it off
9. Because smoking reduced my lung capacity and my ability to burn
10. Because I am the queen of excuses
11. Because I have been using my wieght like a beard and hiding behind it
12. Because I was holding on to other things in my life that long needed letting go

And why I am finally getting it under control?

1. Because I am finally out of excuses
2. Because the baggage that was weighing me down is out of my life, so there is no point in keeping my weight as a souvenir of all the shit I have been through.
3. Because I deserve to be fit and healthy and not have fat bog down my self-confidence
4. Because I am blessed to have so many chances while others cannot even move
5. Because today may just be the best there will be.

Small steps, mercies and victories for a long journey.

Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries" is now my daily motivational song.

Everyday, I have to remember to "Fight and never walk away."

When love speaks an awful truth

My dearly beloved told me some cold hard truth over the weekend. I cried for two days straight. I was hurt. But you know what? He was right and even more importantly, he spoke out of love.

Sometimes it's hard hearing bad stuff from a partner- even more so than any other loved one because of how vulnerable you are in love, but you even though you know what's at stake, it's good to hear it out loud.

So it was obvious that I had put on too much weight. My clothes weren't fitting and my joints ached under the added weight. Dude loves me yes, but I should have known that all the perfumes in Arabia wouldn't be enough to entice a man indefinitely. Yes, he knew he married me overweight.. but he was fine with me at that weight. Turns out that his 300lb benchmark was too liberal for me. I guess 190 is his cut off. I past 190 some 5lbs ago.

I cried myself to sleep and cried upon waking and every time he looked at or spoke to me. I felt fat and ugly in his eyes. I was hurt at first. Then furious. He married me overweight. I am a stay at home wife who works on occasion. I am struggling with making my transition over here. I am a newlywed. He has long hours. He is a damn chef for crying out loud! Food is a high point of my day. I dont live in a walking city. I am limited by my immobility. We couldn't afford much outside of food. It's the first time in my adult life that I am without a car. I haven't even been behind a wheel in 6months.

Who's fault is it anyway?

I can hear you saying" Sister I was warning you about all that cooking."

Sadly though, it wasn't just the cooking. It was the junk food binges. The laziness. The excuses. Hiding under tent blouses and dresses. The functional depression. The excuses.

I stayed away from clothing stores, even for things on sale because I did not want to face the reality. I started working out, got sick and binged my way everyday through a three week period. I gained 8lbs. Turns out those 8lbs were my husband's cut-off point.

I can't kill him. He took a day off on Monday when he realized that his comments on my general physical appearance had crushed my spirit. He has been cooking healthier options for me and actually getting up 45mins earlier to work out with me to my videos for the past few weeks.

Small victories
1. He took me to the Museum and shopping for a few pieces to fill my empty wardrobe. I got two belts to put around my waist to show that I actually have a wasitline underneath my very maternity looking clothes. I desperately needed new pants but refused to buy a UK size 18, which was the only size that fit me without making me look voluptuously vulgar.

2. I am six days smoke free. I still get the urge to smoke but I chew the nicotine gum instead. I have some cigarettes on my coffee table that I look at daily but never smoke. There is something empowering about having it in front of me and CHOOSING not to. It actually feels better than not having any cigarettes in the apartment at all.

I know I have a very long way to go, but I am going to celebrate where I am right now. Right now, I am taking on a daily fight to be healthier in smaller but cumulative ways. I walk more, eat more veggies and fruits (even packing them in ziploc bags and taking with me when I leave the house), try to eat less at meals, and I am trying to move away from Food as Reward. We are now looking at ways of incorporating activity into our lives and making weekends about having new experiences together as opposed to just being about eating something new.

So what's the next big reward?

1. When I lose 15lbs, we are going paintablling.
2. We are going to go to the water park (practically free since he gets access as a company benefit
3. Beach once per week (free ride and free beach).

Every 15lbs will qualify me for a new EXPERIENCE. Each reward must be very low budget but high in activity and fun. The defining factor is that if the "souvenir" is digestible, it doesn't qualify.