After a really rough day...

This has been a very rough day for me.

Sometimes, I think that God deliberately throws me battles so that I can get a reality check and put Him back in the picture. When He is in the picture, I know with conviction that the battle is not mine but His, and when I have sidelined Him, I get worried about minor obstacles in this life’s journey.

I think in spite of all the struggles I have gone through since I have been here, it was good for me to come here. I have been growing an incredible lot, and there is much more room for growth.

My psychological mettle is being tested. My spiritual mettle is being tested. My professional mettle is being tested. And all have been found wanting.

In many ways, this has been a weaning period from all the comforts and support systemthat I am used to. Like falling back on family and friends when times get rough. Here, I don’t have anyone to fall on but myself and God.

And that is why my spirituality is so important. If I do not keep close to God, I am not led by Him, but by my own will, which is very disastrous. I can accomplish so little on my own, but with the power of the omniscient (all knowing) omnipotent (all powerful) Him in the midst of disaster. And that is by no means good enough.

Professionally, I have come into a situation that is itself a turn-off. I have no budget, no authority and nobody really understands what I am supposed to be doing despite my numerous attempts to educate them. I have been miserable because I realise that I cannot accomplish what I came here to do, and feel cheated because they lied. But I stopped there when I should not have. I stopped at the point of frustration, not doing what I could, and representing myself to the best of my ability because so much was wrong with the equation. But that is not what I was called to do.

I was called to be among them, though not of them. To rise to my own standards in spite of theirs. To display all it is that I have learnt and not get caught up with the petty issues.

Yes I miss home. Yes I am lonely. Yes I could really use a hug right now. But none of that validates behaving like a yub yub when I have been called to be a princess.

It is hard though.

It is hard to find motivation deep within when there are so many elements in the environment that suck out every drive you have. I think I have been battling depression and have been successful in not falling head down into it, but I am not without scars and wear and tear in the process.

I am very ambivalent about my career. Public Relations is not what I dreamt I would be doing when I grew up. I was just good at it and learnt quickly and had very adaptable skills, so I did well. But the truth is that I am bored.

I just want a job I love.

I love public relations- for the right company or product, but I also love media.

I have stayed corporate because I make more money than in media, and media standards in Jamaica have fallen incredibly, which is itself frustrating if you love what you do. I don’t like working in the public sector because nothing really ever gets done. I left my first public sector job after six months because I went to work everyday and did nothing and felt bad about collecting a pay cheque under false pretences.

I am not cut out for office politics. I just want to be left to do what I do best.

I started the company, but I had too many personal debts to endure dry periods when no income was coming in.

So I guess, it all takes me back to why I am here- to work to pay off my bills so that I can be free to make my next move without encumbrances (burdens or impediment). And so, I need to do what it is that I have to do here, so that I can leave here better than I came here- financially free!

When I am there, at that momentous point in my adult journey, I will be able to critically assess where I am, and where I want to go professionally. Until then, I just have to stay put and get myself focused on the bigger picture.

God is with me, and in the toughest times, he will lift me up and carry me right through the hottest of hell.

When I do what I need to do, then the foundation will be laid for me to examine my next move and for me to really do some introspection to find out “what next?” for me.

I just wanted to share.

Thanks for listening.