Broken-hearted melody

He invaded my dreams again last night.

My husband saw my face and said "Tell me."
"What do you see?" I asked. By that time, the tears were welling up inside my eyes.
"Something is bothering you."
"I dreamt about him again."
"Are you unhappy?"
"He never made me happy."
"Are you lonely?"
"No. I read about these things. Apparently, they are normal, I just hate it when it happens. It's always the same dream with different circumstances."
"Tell me," I held his face while the tears flowed from my eyes.
"I love you. I need you in my life, for now, for always and I understand."

You must be wondering why on earth would I tell my husband about such things... for the very reason I did: To not give any undue power to The Past over my Present. Sometimes, that which remains hidden has the potential to unseat you from everything you have worked to achieve. This is why I tell ESC about it and why I blog about it.

The Past and I were really really good friends and I stopped talking to him abruptly. There were conversations I wished we could have had but never saw the point. I felt I had nothing more to say to him. I had said so much, begged so much done so much, given so much , taken so much, hurt so much, cried so much, waited so much that there wasn't much else left inside me. He had used up his tokens and left his account in the negative. There was no place to merge friendship in our reality. Almost everything had changed, except for those which should have, which sadly remained the same. I just decided it was time to love me more. I had wasted 7 years holding out hope for a dream that had no wings to fly on.I moved on. Consciously putting one foot in front of the other until my heart and body were thousands of miles away from his self-indulgent harm.

I look at his picture after these dreams and wonder what on earth did I see in him. I thought he was so handsome. So bright. So smart. So caring. All I see now is the angst and distress in his eyes. He is clearly troubled. The torment in his eyes belie the smile on his lips. But that's his problem. And hers. Of course there another woman. Isn't there always in these stories? His subordinate, who he hired and got fired for. They belong together, partners in selfishness and evil manipulation. If I know anything about myself, is that I really, honestly, truly deserve better.

Thank heavens I had the guts to walk in that light.