Walking the line

I am worried sick about Easy Skanking Chef. I don't know how I am going to be a mother. I dread the thought of sleepless nights waiting for fevers to break and later on for them to return home from parties before I got a call from the police station explaining their absence and the fact they will never return home.

I seemed to have developed in to what I define as pragmatic pessimism. I think of all the things that could have happened to explain phenomena like unexplained absence. Especially if one's facebook is not updated during that time.

I am all for little mental and physical getaways... and I quite like a disappearing act or two, but usually, somebody knows where I am and how long I will likely be away. Or I may just not talk to anybody on the phone, but blog and update facebook so that any concerned individual can realise that my heart is still beating and I have not been made captive by some sadistic cult intent on torturing me to death.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Maybe mine is lying in waste now, which is why I can be so ghastly worried about my boyfriend because he hasn't touched base in three days. But there is a catch. The dude is recovering from a bad fall and a blow to the head- the second in months, and he is pretty casual about it... happy enough that scans do not show any brain damage or build up of brain fluid. Finally, he lives alone. He is in a foreign country, and his nearest relative is in Ethiopia. He was supposed to visit her during this leave but this injury has interrupted that. So I am here, in another hemisphere, making up all sorts of stories to fill in the distance.

This time though, I have learned from previous experiences. Whenever there is unexplained lack of contact, something is wrong. However instead of spending the entire time convinced of a rather trivial plot, I will try and pray a little harder.

My poor brain does not need anymore stress right now- God knows that. But all I can do is just pass it on to He who is in the prayer answering business.

I have sent a message to one of his friends over there to check on him for me. It could very well be as simple as his phone not working properly.

I took two sleeping pills last night and finally got some sleep. Valium didn't help me the day before.

I am just feeling really exhausted and overwhelmed by all that I have gone through over the past year and honestly, I am even more worried about myself than I am about Lij. I am walking a VERY thin that I am trying VERY hard to not cross. That is NOT a precedence I want to set.

I am just tired. I just need a break. I need sleep, relaxation and peace. I need love. I need home.