Like a Virgin

This whole relationship is making me feel quite virginal. There are so many firsts its unbelievable. This is strange, coming from me who thought myself wise enough to write a sex column.

But seriously though, things have intensified between Easy Skanking Chef and myself and he has expressed his readiness to me thee wed next year. While no ring has yet been placed on my finger, I wonder about a few things.

Just how important is lingerie really? Arent cutesie nighties acceptable and even mor romantic 95% of the time? Wouldn't the surprise element be lost if you wore lingerie to bed everynight?

It also seems that nature has a well-timed sense of humour as it relates to my sex life. Everytime I guaranteed to me some good Marvin Gaye style loving, my cycle intervenes. How is it possible that I have 10 nights with a man for the first time in four months and my cycle lodges smack dab in between? It was the same when he visited me in Summer, but luckily, he stayed for all of three weeks. But do you know the absolute frustration involved when you aint getting none, and every time you supposed to get, braps- Kiature?

I have been reading up so much on relationship and sex and now I have to add period and birth control and all those delights to it.

Did you know you could "prepone" a period instead of postponing it? Well, I learnt that last night. All the postponement remedies involved hormonal supplementation and quite frankly, what is the point of delaying a period if you going to bloat, be nauseated, have cramps, headaches, acne, and maybe some breakthrough bleeding anyway? Furthermore, smoking women cannot safely use any hormone supplement over 35 and the mini-pill could cause the above side effects. On top of all that, I have a family history of lumpy breasts and my favourite aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26. So hormones are a no go for me.

It seems therefore that even when I get married, condoms will have to be the mainstay of our sexlife. Either that or one of us does the snip snip.

Anyway, I am going to have to go and steep a handful of fresh parsley in cup of boling water for 30 mins and drink it 4 times per day to bring on the period. If that does not work, I will have to do ginger and yarrow. Only I dont know what yarrow is nor where to get it, and as a Jamaican, drinking ginger tea is a regular habbit and I never saw a period because of it before, so I really dont think that will work for me.

On top of that, I will call my doctor and ask how to proceed. There is NO way that I am going to be thrilled about having my period cut 10 days of nookie into 4!

A so me say!

This was REALLY fun!!

This was REALLY fun (Thank you Harlem Mama:-)

I promise. I followed directions and I did not cheat (though I was tempted at times :-)

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it makes you look.
4. Tag Your friends! (or not.)



IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" U say
Love Needs Vacation Too- (unknown reggae artist)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Hey Lover - Boyz II Men (feat LL Cool J)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Master Has Come Back (Damian Marley)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Am De Man- Mutabaruka

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Pull Up-Mr. Vegas Soca Remix

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
I Will Survice-Gloria Gaynor

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Until You Come Back To Me- Aretha Franklin

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
What's Going On- Marvin Gaye

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
All Around The World- Boys II Men

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Witch Doctor- Mighty Sparrow

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Natty Dread- Bob Marley

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Moonlight Sonata- Beethoven

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Love From A Distance- Beres Hammond

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Behold- The Blues Busters

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Young Boy Blues- Ben E. Kings

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
You Bring Me Joy- Anita Baker

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
As Long As You're Black Man, You are an African- Peter Tosh

WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS?
Get It, Get It- Bryhan Art

A new wave?

I find myself reading up alot about relationships these days- and all related issues. Because mine is long-distance, I read up a lot on those too. It turns out that very many people have a lot to say about relationships, including that of the American first couple to be.

This blog has always been about anything and everything that I felt like giving voice to. Sometimes, it has been meaningful, other times not. Sometimes funny, others grave. Most times happy and hopeful and rarely, sad.

I find myself coming into a new wave. And it's interesting.

Having taken all of 7 years and one too many meltdowns, I walked away from my ex at the beginnig of the year. Hindsight- best thing I ever did.

But 7 years of being in relationship purgatory (between being "in a relationship" and "not"- and more "not" than "in") did take a toll in my sense of reality.

I find that my rekindled relationship with Easy Skanking Chef, though separated by time and space, is going very well. Almost too well. And therein lies a bit of irony.

I have finally created the personal environment to nurture a happy and healthy relationship. This after spending my adult life in bad relationships doomed for failure. So when did all of this growth and self awareness come? And from where? It certainly was not due to previous experience.

Could it be that the bad times really help us to find our way to better times and that struggles help us to eliminate what is not good for us?

The other day I was so thrilled to see calalloo on a menu in a place that doesnt grow it, that I ordered it and had a few mouthfuls before I remembered how grossly sick eating canned callaloo had made me previously, thinking of all the stomach pains and two-day suffering and I put my fork down.

I guess I have also put the fork down on all the relationship melodrama too, having not only tasted the effect, but having a play-by-play memory of all the heartache. I have already tasted and seen what's not good, so I can move on to better choices.

For long enough did I date unavailable men, many of whom who should not have been taken home to my apartment much less to the parents. But I sure did have my fun too!

And that's the thing- that ying always balances with yang, even when the fulcrum my not appear to be properly centred. Seven lost years turned out to be perfect timing for this new relationship.

I have always said (since I discovered the scripture in my most devout spiritual days) that all things work for good for them who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

I have never since questioned God's love or my calling.

I have had a fair deal of hiccups, obstacles, trials, longsuffering, whatever noun you want to give to Holly Golightly's "Mean Reds," but weathering them and coming through them have made me a much better person.

I have learnt a few things on the way, and outside of scripture, the most profound thing that I have heard is "be present."

Sharon, my Shakti yogi introduced me to this concept years ago in the midst of a really tough time. Awareness in the moment is worth more than rumination or mindless dreaming. I am still working on that but that is what life is for- striving for self-perfection, though knowing that it is impossible and giving yourself kudos for taking your best shot even on your most fucked up days and then trying to rise above it in the next present moment. It was indeed an epiphany (even the midst of writing the Un-Zen "fuck.")

It seems my life is filled with these epiphanies. Christians call them revelations. Either way, it is the Aha! Moment of seeing something differently. Some may never be interested in Aha! Moments because they prefer to stick on the shallow side of the thought pool, but I could never be that person.

One of the things about being an only child for nine years, is that you really become comfortable with having your own thoughts and your own company. I can sometimes be in a room and not there and used to even travel in the middle of conversations but I am getting better at the latter.

Speaking of space, I find that I am slowly getting to relish the quietude of being alone at home all the time and not having anyone here (except when it's bedtime). It is a good thing that I am not going to be here indefinitely because I could see myself turning into a career hermit. And for my personality, something tells me that may be a little unhealthy :)

This ended up being a much longer post than I intended, but the thoughts have won the battle. And creativity must find its release. And inspiration, its voice.

Barack and Michelle: A more perfect union?

By Vidya Rao
updated 8:15 a.m. ET, Sat., Nov. 29, 2008
It started with the fist bump seen ’round the world. Soon there were stories of rousing family Scrabble battles and date nights, in spite of election mayhem. Then President-elect Barack Obama referred to his wife Michelle as “the love of my life” during his election night victory speech, embracing her tightly and kissing her afterwards, while millions of people worldwide watched.

“They took a moment to face each other, to kiss and hold one another, regardless of the magnitude and spectacle of the night,” said Camille Washington, a Bay Area blogger on Soulbounce.com, a music and culture site. “That says a lot.”

The Obamas represent a welcome change as an openly affectionate and romantic couple for many Americans. Some experts say that the soon-to-be first couple embody the ideal healthy relationship, and that they can stir up love around the country. The New York Daily News even predicted a baby boom attributed to election night friskiness inspired by the Obamas.

“Michelle and Barack are so obviously in love it's actually helping me to believe in love again,” Washington, 25, wrote on her blog.

Icons of love
For African-Americans, the image of a powerful black couple in love is particularly meaningful. In the 2005 census, 51 percent of American women reported they were living without a spouse. Among African-Americans, this number rose to 70 percent.

“With such a high percentage of black people unmarried, everyone is looking for images of black love,” said Michael Perry, 47, a librarian at Harlem’s Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture. “[The Obamas] personify that. It makes people say, ‘Wow, we want to be like them.’”

Washington, who is black, told TODAYshow.com that she and her friends look up to the couple, saying “they want a love like that someday,” and added that she thinks the Obamas might inspire songwriters to pen soulful, emotional lyrics.

But some say the Obamas, who have been married for 16 years, aren’t the exception, and it’s the media that has created a one-dimensional caricature of African-American relationships.

“There are many types of families of African descent, and many families that are like the Obamas – two professional parents with children,” said M. Belinda Tucker, a social psychologist and professor at the University of Los Angeles who has done significant research on black families and relationships. “But the predominant image we see is of the single-mother household. The [president-elect] and his wife represent a counter-image.”

But the effect of the couple’s love for each other transcends the black community, and according to relationship expert Kathlyn Hendricks, author of several books including “Conscious Loving” and “Lasting Love,” Americans should see the couple as a role model for a healthy relationship.

“Not only does [Barack Obama] love his wife, he respects her,” said Hendricks. “The model of harmony, shared humor and easy communication that the Obamas reveal really is a new model — if ordinary citizens practiced this each day, our world would transform very quickly in positive directions.”

Presidential PDA
In general, the relationship between the American president and his wife has always been an important one, and does have an impact on the public, said NBC News presidential historian Michael Beschloss.

“We know that a person’s partner [choice] is one of the biggest clues to what that person is all about,” he said.

Beschloss said that in the past, how a political figure interacted with his or her spouse didn’t matter as much, and as with the Kennedys, the media often looked the other way when it came to philandering.

“Presidents are so intensely covered, we know so much about their personal lives that it’s inevitable that the public is going to know a lot about, and make judgments on, what happens between political wives and husbands,” he said. “John and Jackie Kennedy almost never held hands or showed affection in public — nowadays, people would think something was wrong.”

Former president Richard Nixon and his wife Patricia almost never showed affection to each other in public, either. Beschloss pointed out that Nixon was criticized for not thanking her enough in his speeches, marking a turning point in how presidential relationships were seen by the American public. Such a misstep today, he said, would be a major faux pas.

The Clintons were the first presidential couple to present a more egalitarian working relationship, but public perception of them quickly eroded due to scandal after scandal involving former President Bill Clinton's infidelity. In contrast, the Bushes have represented a more "traditional" relationship model — with first lady Laura Bush standing behind her husband, but maintaining a seemingly loving relationship.

The Obamas have the best of both worlds, said Gil Troy, professor of history at McGill University and author of “Mr. and Mrs. President: From the Trumans to the Clintons.”

“The Obama marriage is a modern partnership between equals; they are a working couple just like the Clintons," he said. "But, unlike the Clintons — and more like the Bushes — the Obamas appear to be a solid couple, devoted to each other, with no fidelity questions hovering overhead.”

For love or politics?
But could the affection and appreciation between the Obamas be scripted for political gain? Maybe, but those close to the couple say the feelings are real.

“Their friends have observed that they have a very positive relationship,” said Liza Mundy, author of “Michelle: A Biography.” “One of Barack’s friends pointed out how effusive he is in his praise of Michelle — he knows how much his career has demanded of her, and he’s very appreciative of that.”

Based on their body language, relationship expert Hendricks also says that the Obamas’ interaction is genuine.

“The Obamas’ body language, expressions and gestures all match. That's an indication of harmony rather than conflict,” she said. “When Michelle came out on election evening, she and Barack spoke and touched as if they were alone. Then they turned to the audience. If they can communicate that way in public in front of hundreds of thousands of people, their bond is very solid and real.”

Essence magazine editor Mikki Taylor saw this genuine quality in the couple as well when she interviewed the Obamas in their Chicago home for the September issue. “They talk to one another – they sit at the table and discuss what happened at school, what happened with the campaign,” she observed. “They were warm, loving and engaging.”

Looking forward
The couple, who have weathered Barack Obama’s ascent from the state legislature to the Senate and the long presidential campaign, now face life in the White House, with kids and possible puppy in tow. In order to keep their relationship strong, Hendricks said, Barack Obama may have to take breaks from leading the world to make time for his leading lady.

“Michelle and Barack [should] continue to schedule time to enjoy their private relationship,” she advised. “Times of listening to each other's feelings, dreams, daily experiences, will continue to keep them balanced and refreshed as Barack, with Michelle's counsel, faces the enormous challenges he's inherited.”

Bruk Like Church Mouse

"Bruk" is a Jamaican word for being broke that somehow conjures a worse state of having no money than the otherwise clinical "broke."

The saying, inherently Jamaican, is a term that we could use to describe personal finances in the wake of rising prices and stagnant salaries. But it is a little ironic.

Church mice should be poor because the church has no money. And for a country that has more churches per square mile than any other world wide- we should know about churches! But herein lies the irony- Church mek money!

There are exceptions mind you- like those small flailing churches that struggle to pay their electricity bill, but many churches make a lot of money. So church not necessarily de facto poor after all.

Who says that Jamaican folklore doesn't hold classic elements of literary genius?

Anyway, I straying. Fact is I bruk like the poorest of church mouse.

But is a good bruk.

Yes- not all bruk is created equal.

Bad bruk is when yuh owe people money way pass yuh ability to pay or when yuh pay cheque done fully spend fi di next 5 years wid not even room for a streetside cheap china slippers purchase.

Good bruk is when yuh pay off everybody yuh did done owe in less dan the 5 years and yuh still no have not even dollar towards the purchase of a street side cheap china slippers.

So what is the difference?

The difference is dat wid good bruk, yuh CAN afford the cheap china slippers in very short order.

And so, having demised a genius plan to be DEBT FREE and UP TO DATE ON (Insurance and Pension) INVESTMENTS, I bruk.

But it means that if anything happen to me, my estate is fully protected and my pension is secure.

Due to the Jamaica trip in December, I will have to carry over a relatively small balance until end of February, but coming from where I am coming from, that is still home free for me.

Honestly, this is the best gift to myself after a REALLY rough year. Entering the New Year without this financial baggage makes up for all the distress that I have faced.

It means that I will have to suffice with holiday events that are free (or near there) that allow me to dress up and go out without breaking the already bruk bank.

Home for the holidays and weddings galore

Sheer Almshouse is heading home for the holidays- JAMAICA, HERE I COME!!!

So whappen, yuh tink is ongle some people can come back a Jamaica and talk bout dem land fi di Christmus? Mi a nuh smaddy too? Cho yah!

Me haffi seh dat the whole ting THOROUGHLY THRILLS me! Ackee and saltfish, roast (and turn yellow heart) breadfruit, sorrel, Imelda's fruit cake, fatty ham, homemade sconces and bread, oh yes, and all the attendant tings like family and friends and parties and having places to dress up go, yadda yadda yadda.

Mi realise Beres Hammond giving another concert this year. You know seh mi haffi di deh pon mu yeye teet! Pity though mi nah go have nobody fi hug up farzin to say Easy Skanking Chef going to have to keep all him dance moves in the hotel kitchen in Dubai fi di rest a di year. A so life go when you tek up chef mi dear. Plenty single appearances during holidays due to the inability to get time off. But mi was single before me get him so yuh done know seh dat nah stop me from di excitement. Me and Imelda dont need no boddy fi dance and sing by we self and mek poppy show.

So baby, mi just deh yah feeling well irie. I happy to be going home. Been playing reggae since yesterday.

Mi have some wedding fi go to. Plenty people getting married mi chile. I suppose we reaching the second wave of this wedding thing. There were those in the collegiate years and now the "oh my God I am turning 30 soon" and the "oh my God I am ALREADY in my thirties" phases. Because I have friends who are slightly older than me, I have all those stages.

I am looking forward to the stage of the "been there tied knot, but will try it again phase" *hint hint. That's the stage when those who married in the collegiate year and untied the knot in subsquent years find their real life partners.

What phase am I in? I'm in the "damn it to hell, I need a lifetime buddy pass" phase. Every pun an conjugation intended. After all, stastics show that single people have less than coupled people (except one person I know who shall remain nameless).

Release Me

I just came across this song by Lucky Dube and I just had to share it. I was going through my music collection in preparation for my world beat radio show and the melody and harmonies distracted me from my shower. It is such a great thing to find new life in music that you never even knew you had. I find myself playing it over and over again.

It is a sweet song... a song calling for the severing of ties from the past. The most profound line in the lyrics is "sometimes love never knows when to die."

I suppose the same way we have to release the spirits of our dead loved ones, we have to release our dead loves. Just how we do that, is still a question for many. Just dont crawl back into bed for "closure."

This song calls for a doobie and Easy Skanking Chef. I miss miss our long sessions of listening to music.

Good music, inspires, challenges and even sometimes...sets us free.

RELEASE ME
by Lucky Dube (RIP)
You don' t have to come with me
Down this road
'Cause I know my way around here
Very well
It may not seem like it
From where you stand
But believe you me, I know what
I' m talking about
Letting it all go
Didn' t matter to me
'Cause I' ve done it all before
But when you left
Part of me left with you
That is why I call you now
On this phone
So please, oh please
Don' t hang up on me


Chorus:
Release me let me go (x 3)
But remember that
Some bridges never burn


You took your way
And I took mine
We were sure our ways
Will never meet again
Everytime I go out
With another man
I find myself calling your name
Now I know that it' s true
What they say
Sometimes love
Never knows when to die
When you went
Part of me went with you
That' s why I called you on the phone


Chorus:
Release me let me go
Remember that
Some bridges never burn

Pay Day?

I am supposed to get paid on the 25th, but sometimes, salaries hit the bank sooner than the actual date. You think since I only have 2.39 cents in my chequing account, and I have my professional association membership due today, that I may be able to just go to the bank and find that today is actually pay day?

It is my Daddy's birthday, and that of my cousin, The Cheeky One, who hits a quarter century today. So you think that I will get special favours on other people's birthdays?

It would be nice to actually eat something other than crackers and vienna sausages or peanut butter for lunch today.

Lord, please make it pay day today :S

The other side of the lake

"If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less."

Lily Tomlin

Life is funny. We spend our lives dreaming about what we would do if only we had... not realising that those who have, often look on our meagre existence and envy us for our passion, friendships and relationships and lives filled with love.

Money isn't everything- on either end of the spectrum. You need to eat, yes, but enough of it won't buy you love. So, the secret I guess to true happiness is to to tap into the scale of the continuum somewhere right in the middle.

Just enough money to do the necesseties, (and you decide what is absolutely necessary for you).

A big mansion may be beautiful to look at from the outside, but tremendously lonely to live in. People have so much space that they never see each other, and families live like tenants, rather than, well- families.

I guess that why the bible (my premier life manual) cautions us to "be content in whatever circumstances..."

Many people have picture perfect lives, but less than picture perfect relationships, but sometimes, some people do indeed have it all.

But having it all comes with its own complications.

Water bills are higher, and sometimes, when you move across the greener side of the lake, some of your best friends do not make the transition with you.

Imagine my surprise when one of my friends, whose life we could easily envy, says to me, "I long for the days when we had no money." Apparently, when his family had less, somehow they had more- each other. Now that everything is money, everyone has his/her own house and there are attendant issues that come along- increased security costs and constant paranoia about safety due to a greater display of wealth in a society with the highest crime rate in the world..

Newton's Third Law of Motion is "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." The truth is, there are always going to be consequences of every decision. And sometimes, the consequences are greater than the decision itself.

Truly, no matter how much better some people look like they have it all, the grass is not always greener on the other side of the lake.

Life After Sex and the City

I have managed to watch every single episode of SATC since Season 2 in less than one week. How did I get here?

Boredom.

Now I have nothing to look forward to coming home to.

There has been a cold front looming over this place for the past few days.

It gets dark at 4pm. And now, there is no SATC to come home to.

There is life after SATC isn't there?

These are the times when I really wish I had Easy Skanking Chef with me. At least I could make my own sex in this city. :-)

In the still of the night

I am feeling better. Been feeling better over the past two days too.

I wore my Jackie O inspired tweed mock jack and layered like a pro. I even took my purple bag draped with a cyan pashmina.

Boss' secretary things I am FULL of style and ALWAYS dress well. Go figure.

Anyway, I have been doing work everyday... and sending out emails for people to see such evidence.

I got word however today (informally as usual) that the big man in charge of this whole Island Behind God's Back finds my Communication Strategy elaborate (aka unnecessary). My response (duh!) It WOULD be elaborate if it is being considered AFTER a major hurricane has hit the island and we are still living with flies three months later! I sent in my strategy almost 6 months ago, about a week after I came in. I am not used to having these things deliberated on for all of six months. And thirdly, how would it not be seen as elaborate for a place that now has absolutely no money to spend?

Money is tight -seriously tight- and this has NOTHING to do with the US recession and the world economy. There is a freeze on hiring. And a freeze on spending in general.

So, on top of the fact that I was hired without a budget, it seems I WONT be getting a budget anytime during the course of my two-year contract. Public relations without a budget, yippee yay!

Needless to say, the tension is high here. People can't go away on trips, and cannot even leave this Island Behind God's Back for sanity breaks... and so the house divides against itself. Ineffeciencies are blamed on foreigners because it is easier to do so. Little or nothing is done to improve business processes, to standardise effieciencies.

But all of that is their problem. If they were lucky enough to hire me (and only because I was desperate to- a) pay off my bills and b) get the hell away from the elusive ex ). If they do not factor my services as important enough to set aside even a $10 budget for, then who loses really? Do I not get paid anyway?

The reason why I got so depressed (and may again-who knows) is that I KNOW I can't leave right now. Memories of the ex are long gone, but I still have some more bills to pay, and I cannot move into the next phase of my life with them. And that is why I am so miserable, because I cannot even spend money on a sanity break. If I could have flown to Jamaica once or twice since I came back, I would have been in a MUCH better emotional state... but with things being the way they are, I cannot spend money unnecessarily.

All in all, I am here, taking it as it comes one day at a time.

I am grateful for all the love and support and understanding.

It was good for me to have come here...and it will damn good for me to leave when I am good and ready.

Addendum to "Signs of the time"

Don't get me wrong- I still manage to look fabulous heading to work in the mornings. And I did shower the night before... and it was a cold night. I did not stink. Even this morning I was asked if I was a model at work.

And you know what, my boss' secretary thinks I am so fab that she has been wearing black everyday too!

What is lacking is the finer detailing that I am used to, which have been carefully disguised.

Even the harp playing David had his moments of distress " My God, my God why hast thou foresaken me." (Psalm 22)

And so, I decided to be honest and open about this emotional roller coaster that I have found myself on. It's grimy yeah, but it's good to get it out there. There is something to be said about seeing stuff in black and white. I am not depressive by nature, I just have my waves. And I am honest with myself and have given myself permission to feel my emotions-good and bad and express them-good and bad.

I don't wallow. I can't even stand being sad for too long. But there is something about giving yourself license in the moment that makes the next, better, even happy moment that much more fulfilling.

Venting here and at home free me up to be queen of the charade in public. Otherwise, I could either have a meltdown or a screaming session in the middle of a meeting.

Essentially, this is group therapy. Welcome friends and passers by. My name is Sheer Almshouse and I am a realist, as schizophrenic as this might all sound.



...

Signs of the times

I had a real conflict about whether or not to wash my face and brush my teeth before leaving the apartment for work this morning.

Luckily the issue of bathing was a no-brainer. A fresh coat of Powder Fresh Mitchum Clear Gel for Women would suffice.

I wear black everyday.

I had my first cooked meal for the first time in days yesterday, eating less than half of my already reduced portion size, and feeling full and sick because meat and rice were too complex for taste buds covered in smoke and no longer used to anything but crackers and cereal.

My idea of healthy eating is taking echinacea and vitamins to ward off complex vitamin deficiency.

When I don't talk to Easy Skanking Chef, its like my world goes into a tailspin.

I call my cousin hollering "I want to come home" in the wee hours of the morning.

I called another friend, with the same behaviour, triggering him to follow up with a call early this morning encouraging me to try to have a nice day.

The days are OK enough, I just go throuh the motions. It's the lonely nights that are unpredictable.

If there was a flight leaving at midnight last night and money in my purse I would have truly left.

I haven't washed my hair in so long that I can't remember and my idea of styling my otherwise beautiful locks is to pull them back into a chignon daily.

My toenails are projecting out about a quarter inch and I could not care less. The cracked clear nailpolist and bits of white left over from a two month old pedicure are testimony of better times.

My heels scratch my sheet and my legs at night, even though I have a salon-type pumice thing in the bathrooom. I have no desire to change that.

I have carried the same handbag everyday for the past 10 weeks.

I have worn less than 10 pairs of shoes everyday for the past 10 weeks.

I go home and lock my door and only talk to my neighbour if I see her. I never go looking. Not even when I am out of salt. I just delay cooking the already seasoned curry goat until the shops open the next day.

I just want to curl up in bed and cry and sleep.

Roller Coaster

It's official. I am depressed. And this of "the mean reds" kind- too blue for the blues.

Usually this has to do with a man breaking my heart (one asshole in particular-the elusive ex).

This time, it is just me. And that is the problem. The sheer isolation, abject lonliness, and not even a challenging job and drinking partners to balance the emotional tide.

I am having meltdowns in between hazes of peace and traquility. When I'm up, I'm down, and when I'm down, I am in the molten lava in the earth's core. And when I am halfway up, I might as be halfway down.

Fuck intestinal fortitude.

I want to go home.

Light at the end of the tunnel

You know what... that spiritual eye thing is no joke. I had the most interesting dream last night.

I dreamt I was appointed as some high flying assistant to the White House... (don't say anything)... anyway, there was this press conference and I was there in my suit that was way too tight... with my Daddy and Bro in the audience...(my father had his tie like a bandana and his shirt opened like how high school boys look at High School Champs in Jamaica..don't ask)...

Anyway, was so surprised that I ACTUALLY got a REALLY GOOD job because I dont get the good jobs (as in the exciting ones that make you tingle AND pay you well)...and I was so caught up with FINALLY getting my dream job.

The only prob was that I had put on too much weight (hence tight clothes) and my feet were in DESPERATE need of a pedicure. Even the President came over to me and asked what's up with the tight clothes. I told him, "Mr. President, I put on a little weight over the summer."

Still in the dream, I went to work on the weekend, wearing a colourful culotte I gave away about a decade ago and was all donned up, wearing nice accessories and really cute sandals but my feet were terribly calloused and so crufty that they looked like they needed commercial grade sand paper to chisel them down.

The moral of dream: My dream job is on the way and I have to prepare for it because it will come when I least expect it and I won't have the time to get all things together.

I have just essentially visualized my own professional salvation.

Early to bed

I am going to bed now. 6:30pm on a Sunday evening. There is nothing to do, and I dont want anything to do.

I went to bed after 3 this morning watching Sex and the City. I watched seasons 3 & 4 between fri and sat. Woke up at midday today.

I got really lonely last night. I even managed to cry myself to sleep.

Old ghosts came back haunting, displacing the little equilibrium I managed to find over the past two days.

Have only eaten crackers, vienna sausage from the tin and solomon gundy and cereal. Have no apetite even though I cooked a chicken wing recipe for Easy Skanking Chef. I could only manage to bring myself to taste the sauce but I have a pot of chicken wings that I have no interest in eating.

I smoked 1 1/2 packs of cigarettes between yesterday and today.

I just feel tired.

I am going to have some lemonade and head to bed and dream of the white light shining at the end of this tunnel.

I know I have a bright future ahead of me... I see glimpses of it through my spiritual eye.

Until then, I live in each moment.

Epiphany a la Churchill

"I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught."
- Winston Churchill

Doesn't that sum up this whole damn decade in a nutshell!

The lessons have been "plent many." And many have been REALLY hard. Tough pills to swallow. Some have had to be powdered by mortar and pestle to get through, and even so, they did not go down without leaving a horrible after taste.

But like Bucley's they taste awful, but they work.

Every single step has been ordered. And so to has every single obstacle.

Man drama. Work drama. Family dram. Friend drama. Health drama. Money drama. Spiritual Drama- all apart of the plot.

What is a dramatic play without drama?

I feel like I am on Act II of my own personal drama- where all the scenes heat up, and the dramatic elements rise in conflict to crescendo. But you know what happens in Act III? All conflicts are resolved and the climax settles in a nice post exctasy haze. And so, after spending your money, time, energy and emotions being wrapped up in this tangled web of a plot, you leave the theatre happy that you have just not only seen a play, but had a real experience.

I am finding myself.

Note the present continuous tense because that is a never-ending discovery. We are dynamic, and once we are open to learning and growing, we reach higher heights of self awakening. The only challenge is that often comes with change. And so once we reach higher, we are finding more and more about our continuously evolving selves.

That is what makes this life so beautiful, and yet so hard.

Learning often comes with difficult lessons, some which we do not really want to embrace. But once we do, then this whole scarcely defined thing called "life" seems much more purposeful and enjoyable after all.

There are times when we lose sight of this light at the end of the tunnel and are blinded by the darkness immediately in front of us, but that is time, when we close our eyes and see from spiritual eyes. We envision that light, even though we cannot see it in the physical, and we walk, eyes closed -but far from blinded- right into it.

I believe this is the moment in therapy that they call "The Breakthrough."


...

New Goals

1. Pay off Student Loans by year end
2. Pay up insurance and pension premiums by year end.
3. Pay off debt on expired credit cards

I know my time on this Island Behind God's back is short. No need to fool myself. If work is all I have here and I am not given the resources to do my job and am being criticisd for lack of output, then I have an untenable situation on my hands.

In the meantime, I will triple efforts to try to redeem myself professionally, but my exit strategy has got to kick in full gear. The time is short. August next year was ambitious.

Money is not everything.

I just need some to get out of this financial rut and then, whoila, I will be free to define my own happiness.

I have prayed about it and will continue to do so. I have put the whole situation squarely at the foot of the cross.

If God's eye is on the sparrow, I can rest ASSURED that He will provide all my needs according to His riches in glory.

That's the thing about money and faith. You dont have to have money to have faith but having faith means that money somehow finds its way into your hand when you need it most.

But you know what? I am at peace.

That is the first time in a long time that I have felt this way.

Maybe there really is something about taking the yoke of Christ- it is sure easier and lighter.

I know ultimately that whatever forces are at hand, no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

God put me here and His purspose for me here will be achieved before I leave because his word does not return to him without fruit.

So, in the midst of all this work drama, I am standing on His promises.

Even when I have been banished on an Island so far removed that I refer to it as "The Island Behind God's Back," His presence is never far from me.

What more could a Twenty Something girl ask for?

Not even shoes.

When is not the button...is the button hole...

That is what Imelda#2 says when some dramatic situation gets solved only to be quickly replaced by another.

And here I am...

I am truly struggling. Mi nah lie. I holding on for dear life to all the positivity that lies within me.

"Intestinal fortitude" ascording to my Accountable Friend.

But I travel with a weak stomach. Something doesn't mesh.

One of the greatest struggles of my Twenty Something years, is finding my Zen Career Zone. What's that? When I find it, I will tell you. But seriously though, this has been a reaaally rough time for me.

I never thought it would have been this hard. And it is hard for a few reasons.

This is a small place with nothing much to do. That equated to no escape. High airfares from here means that leaving when I need a break is really not practical, unless I am comfortable with working just to pay air fare.

I have essentially taken up the kind of job that I would have avoided at all costs: you know the one where you are hired as a one man fix it shop, and your mission is to save the devil, his wife and illigitimate children from the heat of hell.

I am not a graphic designer. I dont do graphics. I explained that from the outset.

I was hired without a budget and all of a sudden it is my fault that very little is getting done?

I do not have staff. I expressed the need for help. Other areas were filled, but I, like the cheese, still stand alone. And now, they all take a bite.

After a really rough day...

This has been a very rough day for me.

Sometimes, I think that God deliberately throws me battles so that I can get a reality check and put Him back in the picture. When He is in the picture, I know with conviction that the battle is not mine but His, and when I have sidelined Him, I get worried about minor obstacles in this life’s journey.

I think in spite of all the struggles I have gone through since I have been here, it was good for me to come here. I have been growing an incredible lot, and there is much more room for growth.

My psychological mettle is being tested. My spiritual mettle is being tested. My professional mettle is being tested. And all have been found wanting.

In many ways, this has been a weaning period from all the comforts and support systemthat I am used to. Like falling back on family and friends when times get rough. Here, I don’t have anyone to fall on but myself and God.

And that is why my spirituality is so important. If I do not keep close to God, I am not led by Him, but by my own will, which is very disastrous. I can accomplish so little on my own, but with the power of the omniscient (all knowing) omnipotent (all powerful) Him in the midst of disaster. And that is by no means good enough.

Professionally, I have come into a situation that is itself a turn-off. I have no budget, no authority and nobody really understands what I am supposed to be doing despite my numerous attempts to educate them. I have been miserable because I realise that I cannot accomplish what I came here to do, and feel cheated because they lied. But I stopped there when I should not have. I stopped at the point of frustration, not doing what I could, and representing myself to the best of my ability because so much was wrong with the equation. But that is not what I was called to do.

I was called to be among them, though not of them. To rise to my own standards in spite of theirs. To display all it is that I have learnt and not get caught up with the petty issues.

Yes I miss home. Yes I am lonely. Yes I could really use a hug right now. But none of that validates behaving like a yub yub when I have been called to be a princess.

It is hard though.

It is hard to find motivation deep within when there are so many elements in the environment that suck out every drive you have. I think I have been battling depression and have been successful in not falling head down into it, but I am not without scars and wear and tear in the process.

I am very ambivalent about my career. Public Relations is not what I dreamt I would be doing when I grew up. I was just good at it and learnt quickly and had very adaptable skills, so I did well. But the truth is that I am bored.

I just want a job I love.

I love public relations- for the right company or product, but I also love media.

I have stayed corporate because I make more money than in media, and media standards in Jamaica have fallen incredibly, which is itself frustrating if you love what you do. I don’t like working in the public sector because nothing really ever gets done. I left my first public sector job after six months because I went to work everyday and did nothing and felt bad about collecting a pay cheque under false pretences.

I am not cut out for office politics. I just want to be left to do what I do best.

I started the company, but I had too many personal debts to endure dry periods when no income was coming in.

So I guess, it all takes me back to why I am here- to work to pay off my bills so that I can be free to make my next move without encumbrances (burdens or impediment). And so, I need to do what it is that I have to do here, so that I can leave here better than I came here- financially free!

When I am there, at that momentous point in my adult journey, I will be able to critically assess where I am, and where I want to go professionally. Until then, I just have to stay put and get myself focused on the bigger picture.

God is with me, and in the toughest times, he will lift me up and carry me right through the hottest of hell.

When I do what I need to do, then the foundation will be laid for me to examine my next move and for me to really do some introspection to find out “what next?” for me.

I just wanted to share.

Thanks for listening.

Miriam Makeba- The Click Song

Miriam Makeba- Amampondo

Khawuleza - 1966