Slow on the uptake

Its 7;42a.m. and I have been awake for over an hour. Needless to say, I did not have any high glycemic carbs yesterday. I moved around more than I have in years and I am feeling my best in this moment, which is significantly better than I have in a long time.

In all of this, I didn't make the connection with my immediate circumstances and the bigger picture until my cousin LA pointed out that the job and everything else will come once I have completed the sorting through of certain things I need to address in my life.

I guess looking after me and minding my health is now my business. Full-time. I have neglected so much over such a long time that it does suit me best to be able to hone in on my core- you know peel away the layers.

I have my moments of deep contemplation and withdrawal but I feel that they are less depressive and more introspective. I have always been happy to be alone with my thoughts and now it seems I have a lot to both think and yet be quiet about.

It also just occurred to me this morning that I am STILL achieving my goals! I am digging the foundation to build an engaged, purpose driven, and active life. I am on my way to be in my best shape ever at 30- mind, body, spirit.

I feel that my growth has been as much dependent from my community of family and friends who have given me guidance, support and sometimes a hard talking to when I needed it most. My achievements, even though they may seem miniscule in the scheme of larger things, are huge to me and should equally be seen as yours. Be grateful that you have touched one more life by just being you and in doing so, helping me re-discover me.

White rice really causes a crash.

So last night I had some white basmati rice and corned beed and cabbage stew. ESC and I engaged in a vigorous round of alternative exercise, he went on to work out to a Power 90 video (I was exhausted and went to bed). I had done my routine in the morning in addition to 100 total ab reps of 10 ab exercises @10 reps each. I was out before he was finished. I just forced myself to get out of bed at 1:00pm. I felt so drained. Anyway, I will make up for it. I certainly have my work cut out for me. I am going to do my weights routine and maybe some pilates too or some yoga afterwards.

So.... I guess white rice does suck the living daylights out of you. I only noticed how bad it was this time because I have been staying away from high glycemic processed grains and food.

BTW.. I added cabbage for the fibre and because in Ayurveda, cabbage, cooked or raw, prevents the absorption of fat.

A sneak peek into my soul

I think I have the soul and spirit of a child-one who embraces life with innocence and acceptance. At least, for the past few months at least, I have been seeing increasing glimpses into my soul that was and now remarkably-is.

I know it sounds like mumbo jumbo.. me talking about being reclusive and then as carefree and spirited as an eager child the next day. I guess the easiest thing is to chalk it up to me having a personality with many facets (or simply embodying multiple personalities). Either way, I still get to experience moments of sheer and utter bliss of being free to be silly and stupid and be the first to laugh at me.

Life is heavy enough as it is. It's time to play.

I think, bit by bit, I am slowly becoming...free.

A time for everything under the sun

I think I have been honing the reclusive elements of my personality. Maybe something just had to give. I am always the life of the party, so maybe hermitage is my spirit's call to quietude and stillness.

I don't know how to "reach out" to people who aren't "my people-" as in friend, family, combolu. I can however take comfort in merely being around people, watching them interact with each other and getting every baby who looks at me to smile and even coo.

Imelda tells me that there is a time for everything, and that pulling away to find yourself is a part of life.

I am happy that ESC and I are such good friends. His company keeps me balanced.

I am not going to fall into a dim depression though... I will pray, sweat and sculpt my head above water.

i am closer to a breakthrough than I think.

Sheer Almshouse's Berry Happy High Fibre Breakfast and and Damn Time of Day or Night Smoothie

I think that must be the longest smoothie name ever- if not... I wonder what on eart could surpass it.Anyway, I thought I would share a recipe for smoothies that have become staple for me. They are omega 3 rich- providing fuel for the body to produce "feel good hormones, " joint pains, among others:

Omega-3 fatty acids may play a role in the prevention and/or treatment of the following health conditions:

Alzheimer's disease
Asthma
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Bipolar disorder
Cancer
Cardiovascular disease
Depression
Diabetes
Eczema
High blood pressure
Huntington's disease
Lupus
Migraine headaches
Multiple sclerosis
Obesity
Osteoarthritis
Osteoporosis
Psoriasis
Rheumatoid arthritis

So where is the recipe?:

Organic traditional rolled oats
Organic Rye flakes (less of it that the oats)
Soy Milk
Walnuts
Pumpkin Seeds
Flaxseed
Almonds
Frozen strawberries
Freshly grated nutmeg (if available)
Cinnamon
Raisins (as a natural sweetner)
Agave (if additional sweetness is needed).

Not so mindless email forward:

"When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear."

"The devil finds work for idle hands"

My granny always said that. It's a popular idiom in Jamaica. Being busy is the work of the progressive. Being idle is the work of ...well... idlers.

I feel like my mind is one big idler's paradise right about now. I am so dying for a brain challenge. Stimulation. I can feel it. I can smell it. A job is around the corner. Somewhere. It's beginning to feel like the proverbial "just around the corner" countryman's reply for directions for a destination that's no less than halfway to forever away.

I am working out and looking around for cheap places to buy smart work clothes when the time so demands. I already got one pair of work shoes and will get another in a little while. It makes more sense to start building my work wardrobe in small steps and be prepared for my first job. It takes a lot of pieces to fill up the first 30 days of work and I have only 5 suits here (which do not fit).

I have discovered that clothes are not as expensive here as I thought. In fact, it is quite easy to look very smart for less- you just can't look for the same western labels. I need to look the part without paying the price. These are discoveries you make after living somewhere for a while though. I could stand to lose one or two dress sizes before making certain purchases though.

I also toned down the colour in my hair and have been maintaining it at a very presentable level consistently. It takes at least 4 hours for me to groom my hair after washing and a half day to dry so it makes sense to be as ready to go as possible, just in case I get called in on short notice.

I have overhauled the way I apply to jobs, sending out tailored cover letters with each application, and researching each company first. I haven't been applying anymore to third party recruiters acting on behalf of "Our client, a communication firm of high repute," etc.

In the meantime, I need to clean up the weekend mess in our studio, pay some bills, run to the mall, and do my weights circuit workout.

Conversations in my dreams

I have been having some heart to heart talks with my father in my dreams. I think I miss our long conversations.

An Ode to Hollywood Trailers (or maybe a damn good paraody is more like it)

So what? I am a bum!

I go to bed anywhere between 2- 5a.m. I have been waking up between 11a.m-1p.m. So what? I am a bum.

I have a fried who nods off at 9pm, is fast asleep by 10, up by 5 to send her hubby off to work and has been calling from 9am onwards. She hasn't really gotten the memo. I hate when people wake me up for no reason. I work out past night. My body is tired in the morning. I don't have a job to get up for, and since I don't, I would rather sleep all my sleep now because there are many years of sleeplessness in my future.

I am not depressed. I am happier now than I have been in months. I got in trouble for sliding down the crescent side bars in the lobby of the cinema on Sat. That's not depression... that's a zest for life rival only to children. I am laughing deeper and quicker and being more playful. I am moving about more in my waking hours, scarcely keeping still with the renewed energy reserve I have found myself with. My body is re-shaping into something I find more familiar. I think I am looking younger. I certainly am feeling younger. Less aches and pains and I can even manage to dance hooker heels for a good 20 mins. I can dance! We went out dancing 3 weekends in a row! I have discovered HEALTHY ways of eating without cooking! Talk about smoothies, and sandwhiches! I am eating what I want.... just in moderation! My man loves the renewed me and is playing his part to aid my continued rejuvenation. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP UNTIL I AM DAMN GOOD AND READY TO GET UP!!!!

I have the most beautiful dreams and I hate being stirred in the middle of them. I meet my loved ones in my dreams and I cherish the conversations. So why on earth am I being called before I want to get up?

Anyway, it's 1pm and I need to go blend breakfast and get rid of this acidic mood.

Today I did a good thing

Today I applied for a job with an exciting entity. I have somehow gone to taking a few days per application to feel out if I want to be filling that vacancy or mine. I am only applying for jobs that move me- that get me excited and have me thinking about what I could learn and contribute. I know all too well the feelings of frustration over posts that bring me no professional or personal fulfillment... Like the last posting where I was hired without a budget and ended up getting carpal tunnel designing newsletters myself from a laptop ( I am not a designer and a laptop is not a designer's tool).

I agree with L.A. that God is preparing my for my next appointment and it will be everything it should be. I know love is work made visible and I am just praying to get a job I love that pays me a salary I can also be happy about. It's often times either or. Money or fulfillment. With faith, I beg to differ.

When it hurts so till... a song for the dead

I screamed when I heard
You were on my mind
I meant to call
Wanted to call
But couldn't find the words
Or the means

I chose gospel over cigarettes
I figured you would have wanted it so

I started cleaning
I took a shower
I sang
I cried

I cry alone
even now
Joy encircles my sadness
You lived a happy, meaningful life
Even if short
And you didn't suffer long

They good die young
And the rest of us try to find goodness
In what's left of us

RIP My dear Uncle.
May perpetual light shine brightly upon you as your shone on us.

In search of single friends

Dubai is couplesville. At least I have only been making coupled friends or friends through my hubby. Right now, I would love nothing more than to meet a group of single people and just lime without mention of husbands, car pooling drop offs and married like things. Dont get me wrong, I still love ESC, but right now, I am craving a singular identity. You know the type- fearless girls hitting the town without any thought of looking for men? That would be us in killer heels and gams peeking out until knee length skirts with fresh faces and glossy lips. There is absolutely nothing in this world like fun, fearless, unfettered female energy! In this same fantasy, I take turns as the honourary guy liming with the guys next week. It seems that liming with the guys has got to be a fantasy for me these days because married women don't like women liming with their men- single or not. Are we really that insecure?

It's hard for me. I have always loved hanging with the guys. I am one of those girls who gets em and can share a few bar-type jokes of her own. I started enjoying non-familial female company later on, when I discovered that unmarried women in their late 20s and (mostly) onwards, are some of the hippest people on the block... (you know -women like me. After I encountered confident, smart, beautiful, independent women, I realized that these sisters knew how to have a good time and I was hooked! Somehow, only few married women ever made it to the Single Ladies limes and they left early and didn't come out as often. I actually hanging out with the single Gals but if I am in a room stuck with married people, I often prefer the men. I am only just realizing that married men make boring conversationalists when they are in earshot of their wives. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The worst part is that our social life seems limited to couple events. Hmmm. Maybe that's it- I am just having married people overload.

So, in light of my current predicament, and the fact that it seems that the best compromise is to try meet friend on my own and IF asked about my marital status, I will say, "I have a permanent boyfriend who I hang out with from time to time."

Derek Walcotts' Love After Love

I posted this poem first on September 14, 2007, but felt moved to re-post now. Love After Love is a most beautiful and surreal poem. Walcott is the Caribbean's own Nobel Laureate (St. Lucia).

I posted it last on July 19, 2009. There is something to be said here. I think this is my poem of the decade. Anyway, I am called to it by my friend of the Cloudcutter Chronicles blog.

Love After Love

by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

For my good by Byron Cage

[That all things are working together for the good of those who love the Lord,
And are called according to His purpose,
And the psalmist says]

For my good, for my good
Things will work out for my good
Even though I would change things if I could
Things will work out, Things are gonna work out
Things will work out for my good

If I could, I would change the things
The things that brought me pain
And replace all earthly loss with Heaven’s gain
I'd erase the painful memories
And I'd paint my gray skies blue
I would love, obey and honor you Lord
In all I say and do, I really would

For my good,
[anybody believe that what your going through is]
For your good,
[yes Lord]
Things will work out for my good
Even though I would change things if I could
[I want someone to hear this]
Things will work out
[On your job I want you to know]
Things will work out
[In your home situation, listen]
Things will work out for my good

[Point to yourself and sing it with me]
For my good
[Anybody believe that in here?]
For my good
[Thank you Jesus]
Things will work out for my good
[Thank you Lord]
Even though I would change things if I could
[I want you to know tonight]
Things will work out
[If you believe that just begin to praise Him]
Things will work out
[All the good all the bad all the hurt]
Things will work out
[You âre not gonna lose your mind and go crazy, just know]
Things will work out
[Stand right where you are and wait on the Lord]
Things will work out
[I don't care how hard it looks tonight]
Things will work out
[Yes they will, sing it tonight]
Things will work out for my, my good

The reality of moving hemispheres

I miss my world... this one I now live in has become so much larger than me that sometimes it's hard to see the speckle I represent in a crowd.

I miss my family, friends, my safe places, my hugs.

I miss the conversations- chatting on the phone until your neck hurts and the battery runs out.

I miss the connection.. being part of a community bigger than myself, being there to celebrate in the victories and empathize the defeat of others.

I miss driving to Mo Bay in my own car. I miss driving to Portland. I miss the calming effect of being both by the sea and in the lush green majestic hills.

I miss the fact that almost every waking minute seems like a dramatic climax. A woman walking down the road in something made for the stage, the audience commentary in the theatre, the back chat, and the strange women who will come up behind you and pull up your slip.

I love my country. I love my people. I know that times are hard there. Times are hard everywhere but the sun still shines there doesn't it?
Rhone wrote a classic screenplay about Jamaicans who traveled abroad in search of "a better life," dispelling the myth of "foreign being the 'Land of Milk and Honey.' "

There is good and bad in foreign. Foreign broadens your horizons and expands your worldview- two things that I believe are priceless in human development. It may also come with some financial reward which makes building that mansion in Cherry Gardens that much more accessible even if it takes you all your working life to save for it. But these things come at a cost. Sometimes a very huge one.

It is hard to leave home and return the same. We change with our experiences and we find ourselves altered for better or worse. Home changes too. While you were away getting on with your life, so was home. New roads, communities, politics, challenges and even babies now stand and look you in the eye and you weren't there while it was all happening.

The objectives this time around

I am not trying to get slim. I am trying to get fitter.

I am not doing it for anybody else to approve of. I am doing it for me.

I don't have magical "Must sell by" deadline anymore. The days of my life will forever be altered...but one step at a time.

I am not outlawing any foods and experiences. I am just making better choices and having "Foods Previously Banned When on a Fitness Craze" in moderation.

I am not doing it alone. We are working in healthier lifestyle choices into our marriage and working out together.

I am not beating up on myself. Been there. Done that. Now let's just use this current state as an opportunity to get fit and stay fit for a lifetime.

Pain free breath- what happens when you stop smoking

Today is Wednesday, the day before Thursday. Thursday will be two weeks since I decided to stop using cigarettes as a crutch and to quit so I could open up my lungs and really get fit.

Last night ESC and I did 50 mins of kickboxing. I wore weighted gloves weighing 0.5kg (1.1 lbs) each. I could breathe! There was no tightening in my chest, no feeling winded, no lactic acid build up!!! I did however feel tight in my injury free knee so i didn't push it to the max as I could have done (breath and stamina-wise) for the first time in years. It felt good. Really good.

I feel like I have accomplished something exceptional. I guess I am that kind of girl :) Yes it has been a damn struggle but I rose to the challenge and have been facing it head on. These are the moments in movies and plays that makes all of us find hope in our own struggles. It's catharsis in the making; the introduction of the elements of victory over the impossible: "Life, meet Struggle. Struggle, meet Courage. Courage, meet Commitment. Commitment, meet Hope. Get very acquainted."

History vs Present Re: Future

It is said that "If you don't know where you are coming from, you will never know where you are going." This may be so to some extent, but it misses out an a critical axis in the whole getting to the future and reaching goals effort: the present.

Can one move swiftly from knowings one's past straight into the future? Unless you have access to some magical time machine, the answer is an obvious "No."

I think I have a new theory about the Present"
"If you don't accept where you are now and in each present continuous moment, you will never get anywhere."

Spammed out of my mind

I am tired of wading through comment spam so I am going to have to put back the anti-robot word verification thingiemajig. Be prepared. Either that or porn spam.

The show must go on

Last night I looked at some pictures of me taken over the weekend right after watching The Biggest Loser. Talk about motivation!!!!! I did a resistance workout with Beachbody's Chalene Johnson with her Turbo Jam routine. I also got a cheap yoga mat and meditated afterwards. ESC came home and did the 1hr kickboxing routine while I tried to get to sleep to get up early for a free yoga class on the football field in my complex. I woke up tired... saying to ESC "I have a really long journey in front of me... it won't happen overnight." To my surprise, still groggy, he replied "And I will be with you every step of the way." I see that my cousin Celia has also said the same thing... for your support, I give thanks. I don't at all feel sorry for myself... I accept where I am right now and that this whole experience is making me a better person.

We all have our own versions of Waterloo in our lives, and if we are up to it, we face many different Battles of Waterloo during our lifespan. Facing such a battle more than once means that we have managed to survive the previous encounter, which was tough enough to be to Napoleon's undoing.

I am taking baby steps this time. Making small goals. I ate a bowl of ESC's deliciously tasty and healthy chicken soup before heading out to an Easter Brunch with the buffet from hell and it was worth it. I arrived without feeling very hungry and was able to taste the items before putting them on my plate, making certain that I took moderate servings of only those things that were tasty and moderately healthier (you can never be sure in a buffet). I also had only about 1/6 of my regular dessert helping. But by far the best thing ever, is that I was healthy enough to drag ESC into the living room and by example, declare the space the dance floor. We danced up a storm! I didn't even remember my toe injury and I breathed my way through every cigarette craving.

I have also decided to spend MUCH less time online and watching TV. These are really mindless activities that dont stimulate me enough physically and only help to keep my metabolic rate on the slow end.

I have been meditating a lot lately. I have also been visualizing also. Not to mention affirming.

Life is behaviour (Today's inspiration from Tony Horton)

Originally published on his Tony Horton Blogspot:

I have learned from my own experiences (filled with the usual trials and tribulations) that life has stages. These stages can occur in any and all aspects of life. Physical, spiritual, psychological, financial, romantic, adventurous, familial, and so on. As you look back at your life (so far), you can see where you've excelled and where you've come up short.

Most people only focus on two or three of the above categories their whole lives. Other areas of life are neglected because of lack of interest or desire or necessity. The truth is that most men (and many more women these days) spend a substantial amount of their time working to keep a roof over their head, food on the table, and money in their pocket. Many homemakers (male and female) spend a majority of their time keeping the hatches battened down.

So if life feels like an endless episode of Survivor, then how the hell do we focus on what I call the "Bliss Maker" areas of life—the romantic, spiritual/psychological, physical, purposeful, and adventurous? The three key ingredients for finding bliss in these areas of life are TIME, ENERGY, and the REASON why. If you live in a 9-to-5 world and feel overwhelmed, then it's going to be pretty tough to find the time, energy, and reason to find your true bliss.

The average person can find temporary bliss in food, alcohol, drugs, tall tales, and sex. This kind of short-term bliss will take away health, consciousness, rationality, discretion, accountability, and responsibility. Along with distorting values and a sense of morality.

If you're lucky enough to finally discover that there is more to life than making a buck, feeding your face, getting off, and manipulating reality, you'll start to inquire about how to find your bliss. Then you'll have to begin to find the TIME, ENERGY, and REASON.

Time isn't that difficult really. You look at your schedule, move some stuff around, explain to people what you're doing, and figure out a reasonable TIME frame in which to accomplish your goals. ENERGY is a piece of cake! You can master that every time you decide to Push Play! Doing Power 90® or any other kind of physical activity will automatically propel you into one of the most important "Bliss Maker" categories. The REASON why is probably the most difficult and complicated variable when it comes to long-term success and bliss.

To pursue your bliss by means of dishonesty, manipulation, coercion, or the need to seek grandeur will backfire worse than any short-term pleasure ever will. If your spiritual pursuits create a "holier than thou" attitude, then all your learned dogma will fall on deaf ears. If you exercise hard and long just to look hot at your high school reunion, then talk to me the next day when the show is over. If you start looking for adventure for the sole purpose of acquiring trophies, will you still enjoy it if you fail?

If you ever chase any of these areas of life for the REASON or PURPOSE of looking for attention, accolades, and kudos from others, then you are doomed to a life of confrontation, depression, confusion, illusion, and delusion. I never said that pursuing your bliss was easy. That's why most people who try . . . fail.

You can avoid failure by pursuing your bliss with clarity, wisdom, acceptance, vulnerability, patience, consciousness, and truth. These "words" in both the selfish and selflessness ilk represent your intention. Your intention is everything and the only thing that matters when it comes to the right use of will.

I believe that real lifelong change and bliss are achieved over the course of three very separate stages:

Recognition. Knowing and understanding that there must be a shift in the way you approach certain segments of your life and an undaunted willingness to want to make a change.
Catharsis.The period of time you spend venting, releasing, and unleashing the emotions that keep you from your bliss.
Application. The employment and utilization of the tools you've learned through the cathartic stage.
If you can move through these three stages with the right intentions, then you will know what it's like to live on this Earth in a state of bliss.

Peace,
Tony H.