It's amazing how life is.
I am going through every paper I have in my pack rat possession. Honestly, as I look across the room, I feel like dumping everything that's out on the floor because I still find myself trying to find reasons to hold on to junk.
I am not moving with more than one box.
(Yes I am moving).
I am not taking any books either.
Whatever I want to keep must be able to hold in a water proof storage container that will stay by my mother's.
I am tired, but I have to finish this tonight. It's hard and my back hurts but I am only thinking of how much better I will feel when all this is sorted.
I am being forced to live in a minimalist way.
Can you believe I actually want to keep papers that are available online? What the hell is wrong with me? I NEVER really get around to keeping them anyway!
Sigh.
When will I learn?
Well I know I got it from my mother because she still has my baby nappies and artwork from when I was 5. Truth be told, I am grateful for that because seeing them now brings a sweet smile, with the recognition that I was born creative. In fact, I am going to take 3 pieces of artwork with me and frame them.
I was obsessed with drawing flowers for longer than I realised!
It's good to be going through my things, though. I am seeing sides of myself that I forgot existed. I am seeing sides of other loved ones that no longer exist (at least for my viewing).
Reading old love letter, old conversations, old diary entries...
Seeing just how deeply I loved and how that love was almost to my undoing, but I how I still found a way to hold it together.
Remembering the passing of my favourite aunt, who was more like my sister. May is the 4th anniversary of her transition. I miss her. I wish I could have a chat with her now. She would be so happy for me and all the new opportunities that have now been presented before me.
As I type this, tears flow into my eyes.
I have wanted to cry for some time. I have just had so much change and so many things going on that at times I really honestly and truly feel incredibly overwhelmed.
I feel my body holding tension. I seem to be stronger than before. I really want to holler but all I can do is sigh and blink away tears.
I know I need to let them out. And I am afraid that they will come out at the wrong time... but I am not going to force it either.
Looking back on everything, I realise that I never always did the right thing, but I did the best I could. I am a strong woman. Passionate, loyal, emotional, impatient but strong.
I have loved in my lifetime... to depths that I never knew existed. What could be more beautiful than being able to feel that way about somebody?
Yes it didnt work out ... but hasn't that turned out for good too? Yes it took a LOT of pain AND drama, to get here... to this place of serenity... but it was worth it. All of it. The good and the bad. Absolutely no regrets.
I made tough choices, but was true to my heart and mindful of my parents and family.
Change is really good.
It forces you to take stock of what is, what was, and to use all that to channel into the possibilities that could be.
The end of this loooooooong chapter is finally taking shape. It has had its dramatic climax and now, we craft the ending. But as it, it is still unwritten.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Long Day, Long Week, Long Year
It seems rather ironic, that title when I am not even half way through the year. But such is life. I have been going through metamorphosis that usually happens over years but with a super catalyst to speed up the transition.
Growth is good. But growth is often painful. Letting go of things to which you are attached, even though you love them is not the easiest thing to do. But no one promised an easy life.
In fact, anything worth having is worth fighting for, and battles I have waged. Somehow though, it gets to the point when you surrender to a situation in which you are surrounded by the enemy and all of your men are laying waste at your feet, and you either give up totally or surrender the battle to a higher being.
I find that I am victorious whenever I realise that the battle is not really mine, but the Lord's. Even so, sometimes I forget and start punching the hell out of air, accomplishing nothing more than moving dust particles around.
Sigh.
I need to remember to be grateful for the small mercies, that in spite of all the drama and the chaos around me, are new every morning.
I am so happy for that. There is a blessing in the storm.
So in moments like these on days like these, I have to remember that this too shall past.
I am still making some bad decisions, but I hope to be better.
I know exactly what my problem is. I need to get that wound fixed for good.
In the meantime, as bad as this day was, as bad as things are, weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Praises be to God for salvation (yes mi grow wid plenty granny).
Growth is good. But growth is often painful. Letting go of things to which you are attached, even though you love them is not the easiest thing to do. But no one promised an easy life.
In fact, anything worth having is worth fighting for, and battles I have waged. Somehow though, it gets to the point when you surrender to a situation in which you are surrounded by the enemy and all of your men are laying waste at your feet, and you either give up totally or surrender the battle to a higher being.
I find that I am victorious whenever I realise that the battle is not really mine, but the Lord's. Even so, sometimes I forget and start punching the hell out of air, accomplishing nothing more than moving dust particles around.
Sigh.
I need to remember to be grateful for the small mercies, that in spite of all the drama and the chaos around me, are new every morning.
I am so happy for that. There is a blessing in the storm.
So in moments like these on days like these, I have to remember that this too shall past.
I am still making some bad decisions, but I hope to be better.
I know exactly what my problem is. I need to get that wound fixed for good.
In the meantime, as bad as this day was, as bad as things are, weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Praises be to God for salvation (yes mi grow wid plenty granny).
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Missing in Action
I have a LOT going on. Lots and lots and lots.
My life is about to change significantly and I look forward with both excitement and sheer trepidation.
I don't care to make any major announcements yet because there are people who are still clueless but once I get around to doing the decent thing, I will make it public.
We just celebrated the first wedding among us cousins on my father's maternal side. She is one of the younger ones, but she made a beautiful bride (duh- its all in the genes)! At least this now breaks the curse.
As it stands her older sister marries in two months. When it rains it pours! I am looking forward though to the nuptials of two older cousins who are drop dead fabulous and available. I am processing applications for the set up.
I really miss posting here... and something tells me I will be blogging a lot in weeks to come.
Anyway, bear with me as I get my act together. Until such time... lata.
My life is about to change significantly and I look forward with both excitement and sheer trepidation.
I don't care to make any major announcements yet because there are people who are still clueless but once I get around to doing the decent thing, I will make it public.
We just celebrated the first wedding among us cousins on my father's maternal side. She is one of the younger ones, but she made a beautiful bride (duh- its all in the genes)! At least this now breaks the curse.
As it stands her older sister marries in two months. When it rains it pours! I am looking forward though to the nuptials of two older cousins who are drop dead fabulous and available. I am processing applications for the set up.
I really miss posting here... and something tells me I will be blogging a lot in weeks to come.
Anyway, bear with me as I get my act together. Until such time... lata.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Sheer Almshouse On Friendship
I have a lot to be grateful for.
I have been blessed with very few friends but they are true friends.
Those that are not only there when the tide flows, but are also there when it ebbs.
Marriage wasn't promised for some, but friendship for all.
I give thanks for those who have stood by me and will continue to stand by me wherever life takes me. I pray that I may be as great a blessing to their lives as they have been to mine.
I pray that no good thing will God withold from them and their days may be long and filled with joy, hope, kindness, favour, good health, peace (that passeth all understanding), and that they will lack nothing.
I have been blessed with very few friends but they are true friends.
Those that are not only there when the tide flows, but are also there when it ebbs.
Marriage wasn't promised for some, but friendship for all.
I give thanks for those who have stood by me and will continue to stand by me wherever life takes me. I pray that I may be as great a blessing to their lives as they have been to mine.
I pray that no good thing will God withold from them and their days may be long and filled with joy, hope, kindness, favour, good health, peace (that passeth all understanding), and that they will lack nothing.
Ramblings
I like to post things that mean something to me... hence the songs and poems and other quotations from time to time.
Hush if you find it annoying and come to read something original all the time. Sometimes its good to appreciate other people's words.
Lyrical music ought to be more than arrangement, if you have words to say, they should mean something. I am a huge jazz and classical fan so instruments inspire, as the tell their own tales, but lawd mi tyad a di foo fool jing bang ting dem passing round as music and mekking big money offa. You buy an album and is only one good song deh pon it.
I am actually doing something I never do... just let my ipod play without preselecting playlists. Its taken me on a very inspirational musical journey- from Kurt Carr, to Yolanda Adams, to Donnie McClurkin to John Denver to the Beatles, to Mahalia Jackson.
I have acquired over 8000 songs in less than a year.
And still getting more.
Let the music play!
Hush if you find it annoying and come to read something original all the time. Sometimes its good to appreciate other people's words.
Lyrical music ought to be more than arrangement, if you have words to say, they should mean something. I am a huge jazz and classical fan so instruments inspire, as the tell their own tales, but lawd mi tyad a di foo fool jing bang ting dem passing round as music and mekking big money offa. You buy an album and is only one good song deh pon it.
I am actually doing something I never do... just let my ipod play without preselecting playlists. Its taken me on a very inspirational musical journey- from Kurt Carr, to Yolanda Adams, to Donnie McClurkin to John Denver to the Beatles, to Mahalia Jackson.
I have acquired over 8000 songs in less than a year.
And still getting more.
Let the music play!
Monday, April 07, 2008
God Blocked It
by Kurt Carr
There were dangers awaiting me
Destruction was sure to be
But thank God for Angels
That were shielding and protecting
And looking out for me
Thank You lord
The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so
Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight
You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No, He wouldn't let it be so
For I've got work to do
work to do
God wouldn't let me die
Because He knew I had work to do
Oh yes
And I've got life to live
There are blessings
He want's to give
God blocked it,
He wouldn't let me fall
No, He wouldn't let it be so
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
It was the lord
Nobody but Jesus
There were dangers awaiting me
Destruction was sure to be
But thank God for Angels
That were shielding and protecting
And looking out for me
Thank You lord
The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so
Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight
You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No, He wouldn't let it be so
For I've got work to do
work to do
God wouldn't let me die
Because He knew I had work to do
Oh yes
And I've got life to live
There are blessings
He want's to give
God blocked it,
He wouldn't let me fall
No, He wouldn't let it be so
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
It was the lord
Nobody but Jesus
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Callin My Name
by Hezekiah Walker
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know I take advantage of your grace here in this Christian race. (OOH)
But yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Soloist):
Verse One
How many times would it take for me to learn? That it's only in your will I'll ever earn, I'll ever earn my life's reward. The honor due to me, life eternally. Riches in glory. Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. But yet I still hear you calling my name.
Verse Two
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, I turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. Oh but yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Vamp):
You're calling my name to come into your arms. To be safe from fear and harm knowing this but I still chose to go my way. And you still say, you say that I am he who will supply your every need. Oh Lord I've sinned but your still calling my name.
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know I take advantage of your grace here in this Christian race. (OOH)
But yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Soloist):
Verse One
How many times would it take for me to learn? That it's only in your will I'll ever earn, I'll ever earn my life's reward. The honor due to me, life eternally. Riches in glory. Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. But yet I still hear you calling my name.
Verse Two
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, I turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. Oh but yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Vamp):
You're calling my name to come into your arms. To be safe from fear and harm knowing this but I still chose to go my way. And you still say, you say that I am he who will supply your every need. Oh Lord I've sinned but your still calling my name.
Callin My Name
by Hezekiah Walker
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know I take advantage of your grace here in this Christian race. (OOH)
But yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Soloist):
Verse One
How many times would it take for me to learn? That it's only in your will I'll ever earn, I'll ever earn my life's reward. The honor due to me, life eternally. Riches in glory. Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. But yet I still hear you calling my name.
Verse Two
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, I turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. Oh but yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Vamp):
You're calling my name to come into your arms. To be safe from fear and harm knowing this but I still chose to go my way. And you still say, you say that I am he who will supply your every need. Oh Lord I've sinned but your still calling my name.
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know I take advantage of your grace here in this Christian race. (OOH)
But yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Soloist):
Verse One
How many times would it take for me to learn? That it's only in your will I'll ever earn, I'll ever earn my life's reward. The honor due to me, life eternally. Riches in glory. Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. But yet I still hear you calling my name.
Verse Two
How many times do I go against your will? Then you forgive me but yet I still, I turn around and do the things, the things I shouldn't do 'cause I belong to you and I know you will come through.
Lord I know, I know I don't belong with you cause I've done wrong. Oh but yet I still hear you calling my name.
(Vamp):
You're calling my name to come into your arms. To be safe from fear and harm knowing this but I still chose to go my way. And you still say, you say that I am he who will supply your every need. Oh Lord I've sinned but your still calling my name.
God is good - ALL the time!
Can I get an "Amen" church?!?
I tell you, the Lord shall provide all my needs according to His riches in glory. He gave his angels charge over me. Jehovah Jireh cares for me.
My prayers are being answered.
I give thanks with a very grateful heart.
I tell you, the Lord shall provide all my needs according to His riches in glory. He gave his angels charge over me. Jehovah Jireh cares for me.
My prayers are being answered.
I give thanks with a very grateful heart.
Breakfast in Provo, Lunch in Miami & Dinner in Kingston
I feel like a jet setter.
Only thing is I am clearly a rookie because I have been suffering from the worst jet lag after taking 6 planes in 3 nights.
But it's good to be home.
As it stands, this is my last trip home for a long time.
Tying up loose ends.
Severing unprofitable ties.
Ending a long and heart-rending chapter.
Here's to new beginnings.
Only thing is I am clearly a rookie because I have been suffering from the worst jet lag after taking 6 planes in 3 nights.
But it's good to be home.
As it stands, this is my last trip home for a long time.
Tying up loose ends.
Severing unprofitable ties.
Ending a long and heart-rending chapter.
Here's to new beginnings.
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