In Memory of Miss Clar

The following is a poem that every person should live by. It was recited to me by Miss Clar's grandson some years ago. I stumbled upon it when I was looking through old files, that I saved for posterity. Here is that rainy day...

I have to live with myself, and so,
I want to be fit for myself to know;
I want to be able as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am
I don't want to dress myself up in sham.
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in this struggle for fame and pelf,
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to think as I come and go
That I'm for bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself -- and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

--
Edgar Guest

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Now that I have told my ex, I can make the announcement here.

I am leaving Jamaica.

I have gotten a job overseas and I am going.

I leave in three weeks.

It was a tough discussion and it ended prematurely because he had to visit a track meet that his alma mater is participating in. He volunteers as team manager, so it really could not be avoided.

He is deeply saddened by my decision to leave (as expected) and it never had to come to this but it is what it is.

He made his decisions, passively or not and I just cannot be available anymore. I dont want to be friends anymore.

It's going to be downright hard sometimes, but life goes on.

It's just time to move the fuck along.

Sigh.

They always say you never know a good thing until it's gone. Maybe I really should have left years ago.

A Likkle Overwhelming

Note to self: spring clean at least twice a year and stop collecting RUBBISH!

I have in my possession every trade presenter I ever liked and for what reason? To get ideas. Dont mention bank statements and cheques going back 6 years!

I dont finish packing. I am still caught up in the paper, book packing phase.

I have books I dont even want because I was brought up to revere books next to God and brotherly love.

Ahhh bwoy.

As soon as I complete the books, I will start on the CDs and DVDs. I have made a decision to dump every CD case other than those of Ella, Nina, Miles, Coltrane, Etta and Billie. Maybe I still have a little pack rat in me. I rationalize by convincing myself that they are classics.

After, that, its the clothing section.

My best friend has convinced me to part with some of the suits. I will concede, but refuse to let of the high end desiger ones. Am I being materialistic?

I gave away a cute BCBG MaxAzria flats and I have been wanting them back even though I dont think I have worn them times in three years.

I have to move out this weekend, even though my things are not sold.

At this point, I think I am going to go craaazy!

I have a short term contract beginning on Monday which prevents me from spending the week in Montego Bay as previously planned, and although I feel like sneaking away even for one day, I no longer have a car to take me there.

Sigh.

I also have to find a place to stay in Kingston while I work on this project.

In the meantime, I am going to plan the best route to my bed. It now takes a fair bit of logistics to step more than 12 inches in every direction.

I want my mommy!