New year's resolution

So often, I have contemplated WHAT ON EARTH is a 28 yo woman doing here... in the height of her singular development (no husband and pickininies)... just wasting away in a place so remote that it might as well be labeled "the prison of paradise"

Its a great place to vacation with a romantic interest... or to reconnect when life gets in the way of the love... or just to retire... but...I have been finding it difficult to LIVE. That said, I have grown soooooooooooooooo much since I have come here... significantly on a personal level.

I have much time to examine me, and challenge me, and get more aware of me and what me wants.

So I am finding my truth, and in so doing, finding my way.

I have also been able to let go of the toxic relationships and in so doing, I have attracted a most wonderful man to me. He is my longtime friend. And we are happy. But he is in Dubai and I am here. So, while we scheme and plot and plan to be together in the same place, I am doing me.

I have had to dig DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP down to find my own source of happiness.

I am putting myself in a position to be able to truly explore what makes me happy career wise. I am not sure if I am loving PR or maybe its just the assignments that I have had in PR (corporate and private sectors are straight jackets). I want more meaningful work. I feel a strong desire to tap into my artistic and creative core. I want to write, photograph, travel, broadcast, produce direct. I am a creative. I am an artist.

My only resolution this year is..

"to stop putting my square raasclaat peg into a round hole."

As I peel away the layers, I become freer, happier, because, I am getting much closer to just being me.

It's hard, it's rough, but ultimately, this pruning will be the cause of much personal growth.

To have no family or close friend means to lack the very affection and warmth that I am accustomed to and thrive on. Even a hug means so much more now than it did before.

So..essentially this assignment... this whole isolation bit has been quite appropriately, "A Journey into Me"

So yes, the blessings are indeed aplenty and they truly overflow.

Give God thanks for grace.

Feeling trapped

I cant seem to shirk the feeling of being trapped in a career that just represses who I am.

I just want to travel, photograph, write and work on my broadcast productions. Some people make a career of that... I was on that path..and then I encountered the higher paying PR field and then voila!

Maybe if I really bought myself the camera I want and embarked on weekend expeditions I would not feel so confined creatively. But traveling within these islands, though beautiful, is rather expensive. Return tickets to one island alone is 170 and to do a mutli-island hop would be rather expensive..especially since I will not alter my life experience much.

I just feel like there is just so much of the world to see and I am just tucked away from all that is happening.

Now that I have paid off the bills, I feel like the next thing is to save for the expedition. I have wanted to travel for so long, but never had the money even when I had the time.

I have to give myself this.

I feel like so much of my career confusion will be subdued once I give myself the gift of undiluted me... just roaming and living.. not to pay bills or have responsbilities but just to live and be creative.

I just need three months.

Or maybe six.

I just need a fucking break.

Love and Salt Water Don't Mix

This long distance relationship thing is getting, shall we say, a little complicated?

And according to my first boyfriend, with whom I am still friends, it may be due to the fact that "Love and salt water don't mix."

I thought that our case was different, that we had the resolve, the commitment, the passion and the means to defy our critics and become the trophy couple for Relationships Beyond National Borders, but now, I am not so certain.

It's not that I have fallen out of steam from my new wave of optimism and divine centredness, it's just that reality has hit in some rather astounding ways.

First of all, I am not certain that I really want to pick myself up and move to Dubai. It seems so damn retrograde. I have a life... albeit a very boring one based on this Island Behind God's Back, but my life and career are mine... and not to be easily sacrificed for the sake of joining with another.

Second of all.. so does he. And as Dubai goes, its way more exciting than anything that this place provides, short of me putting up a pole in the bedroom.

So he's there.

I'm here.

I have second thoughts about going.

I am not certain if I want him to come.

And one helluva lot of sea lies between the indecision.

Step aside Bush- Black Man time now!!

From last night, I have been paraphrasing Beres Hammonds song:

"Step aside Bush, a Black Man's gonna take over..."

I hope it get to watch it live (still trying to figure how because cable hasnt been restored and I have no satellite tv and the internet connection at work will be jammed and it is already slow and worst, the day is overcast:(

She's Royal (So say I of me)

by Taurus Riley


No I never been someone shy
Until I seen your eyes
Still I had to try, yeah
Oh yes, let me get my words right and then approach you
Woman I'll treat you like a man is suppose to
You'll never have to cry, no
I know everyone can relate to when they find that special someone

Chorus

And she's royal, yeah so royal
And, I want her in my life.
I never knew anyone so one-of-a-kind, no
The way she move to her own beat
She has the qualites of a queen, She's a queen
Ooo Ooo what a natural beauty
No need no make-up to be a cutie
She's a queen, she's a queen

And when they ask what a good woman's made of
She's not afraid and ashamed of
Who she is,

she's royal yeah, so royal,
and I need her in my life,
I never knew anyone, so one of a kind
until the night that I see in your eyes,
(NU_BI_AN QUEEN)-backup singers
uh_huh_ my queen so supreme
I can see it in her eyes
The way she smile

Hey, yes I & I, I know the king and queen crowned same time
so I'll never leave your side, just stick with me through the trial times,
"oh ooh"
and she say she no mind cau right I know good man is hard to find,
and she cannot a bother join no line.
Thats why she has no ties at this time, yeah
I know many men are trying,
but she needs to be more than wined and dined,
because,

(chorus)

she's royal, yeah so royal
And, I want her in my life.
I never knew anyone so divine, no
The way she move to her own beat
She has the qualites of a queen, so supreme
Ooo Ooo what a natural beauty
No need no make-up to be a cutie
She's a queen, so supreme

And when they ask what a good woman's made of
She's not afraid and ashamed of
Who she is,

she's royal, yeah so royal
And, I want her in my life.
I never knew anyone so one of a kind, no, no
The way she move to her own beat
She has the qualities of a queen, My nubian queen
Ooo Ooo what a natural beauty

Patting myself on the back

I know I am my biggest critic.

But I need not only to cut me some slack, but also to pat myslef on the back!

I have stuck to a really hard financial plan and it has paid off.

I have been freed from the vestiges of the Students' Loan Bureau!

I am almost completely debt free, with absolutely no desire to use a credit card as a charge and pray card again!

So yes, I really got to cut me some slack!

As we head into a troubling global economic recession, it is good to at least break even. If I am rendered jobless in a few months, I will owe no one.

But until I find another opportunity, I will trudge on... with the hopes of going to the next level- accruing savings and medium term investments.

And I will also grant myself one luxury- my dream camera. I will have you know that in the year and months I have been looking at it (and came so close until my Mac was stolen and I had to use the money to replace it)... the price has dropped from over 2000 uSD to roughly 1400! It is the Nikon D200 with a Nikkor 12-200mm lens. I think I will be able to afford it in a few months. I am also going to get a point and shoot (which has also significantly dropped in price to just litte over 100 (Canon Power/ Nikon Coolpix/ Sony Cybershot). I have done ALL the research already. I know there are newer models but dont need em. I dont need the latest- just solid tools.

I cant call myself a photographer when I do not have my own tools. And my two film Nikon and Canon SLRs have long been made redundant in this the instant age.

I need the point and shoot for all those daily moments that beg for a discreet photo.

The house will come later on. And capital injection for my company will come later on. In the meantime, I am working on sticking to the plan and keeping my expectations modest. The least I can get out of it is something that I have waited 10years for!

I believe I made a list of things I would get for myself about two New Years ago and a the cameras and an ipod and something else was on it. I got the iPod (no regrets because it saved my 13 year music collection when my Mac was stolen)...but the cameras... I have waited, and waited and waited for. I just wanted to get what I wanted. I did not want to settle. So I gave up a lot... but in the end... I will have so much more to receive.

There is really something about delayed gratification!

Some things are truly worth waiting for.

Cooking Up a Storm

I have decided to cook me something delicious for my Sunday dinner.

What's on the menu?

Curried chicken wings (with ginger and lots of garlic) and rice cooked in coconut milk and green peas.

For drink?

Good old lemonade or water.

The place smells like a good housewife lives here... like how a kitchen filled with love always smells- like someting good is cooking.

I am going to enjoy my dinner. I already have a movie to roll out- Nacho Libre with Jack Black.

I think I will try to go to the beach to watch the sunset and maybe even do a few yoga asanas if I am up to it. I just want to spend a little time outside of my apartment today.

It has been a good day so far.

Peace be still.

Self-confrontation

There is a lot that I have not said over the past month (after all, a month ago today I arrived in my Jamaica and forgot everything about blogsphere). But writing for me has become a part of my existence, and while I can put it off for more pressing commitments, I must get back to it for personal release.

I miss the words. The sound of the keys as I strike them in unconsious and semi-conscious dexterity... expressing not only what I know to be so, but also what I didn't even realise was true.

This is my most honest space, so much so that I would rather not say anything than fluff over what is real. And this is why it is anonymous. My identity is only revealed to a select few, even though this blog is published publicly.

I am not sure I know what exactly I feel like blogging about. I dont feel like talking about the experience in Jamaica, though it was a spiritually and "moodically" uplifting one.

I think I am in a very strange phase... I am trying to tap into some deep level personal growth during a time of abject loneliness and isolation.

I think more than ever (if ever that was possible)... but I am left to my thoughts quite a bit so I have no choice. I am reading like I did when I was studying literature, only this time I get to make my own required reading list. I write more than ever... and I think even my photography expresses more than ever.

I am also dreaming more and my deja vu has even returned! I am getting closer to the real me.

I guess what I have been trying to do then is to dig channels within and without to connect more meaningfully to myself and the world with which I relate.

Life is for living... and living is a choice.

Even though I have been presented with a wonderful opportunity to share my life in a relationship with one whom I call "friend" in addition to "partner", I feel also a distinct desire to maintain my separateness even in our collectiveness.

I guess this is the essence of my current struggle. It has been a while since I have had any relationship and even longer since I embraced a healthy one. I know that my responsibilty lies to myself in ensuring that it remains healthy and in addition, allows both of us to reach greater heights of spritual growth.

I have been learning about myself, and understanding myself more deeply, questioning my motivations and my relations with the external. As a result, I am slowly, finding my footing and getting closer to my own truth.

I think, for the very first time, I can really honestly say that I have become a woman. It's kinda strange... I know... but neither natural nor societal law dictate when one truly steps into adulthood. I have acted like an adult for a long time, and firstborns ususally grow up fast. In the process, I lost a significant part of my childhood and had to retrace the steps to catch up.

I no longer want to be more than I am. I no longer want to be older than I am. I am happy to be as I am, knowing that my growth with continue as my life experiences allow.

I have my human struggles and almost daily I fight a valiant war against the depressiveness of this isolated existence, and I slowly find peace in the midst of lonleliness.

I am not lonely because I am unloved. To the contrary, I am lonely because I am very loved, and miss the free two-way expression of this love with my biological and spiritual families and friends. But I am learning to embrace this loneliness, not as evil, but good.

It is the vehicle for which I can explore the depths of who I truly am and what I truly want out of this life.

Call it a spritual hermitage if you wish, and me a student of life.

The Optimist Creed

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble

Let inner peace reign!!!

I have decided to find my centre in the midst of this chaos. The struggle continues.

It has dawned on me that even if I am in a place that does not BRING me joy, I must find my own.

These days are all I have... and I cannot afford to waste them longing to be elsewhere and doing something else.

I am printing photos from my recent vacation during my lunch time.

I REALLY had a good time.

I am truly blessed and highly favoured.

Happy New Year

May 2009 bring hope, love, joy, peace, prosperity and growth to all.

I am back in the Island Behind God's Back. Will fill u in on the past three weeks later.

In the meantime, I am trying to find my centre because I woke up missing home in a very profound way.

Infinite blessings on your path.

Happy New Year!!!!

You are why you are here.

You were brought here to play a significant role in God's plan. You are part of the whole, a lead actor in the live production called "Life."

Be who were called to be. Make no aplogies for being different. Dance to your own beat, and follow your own path. Make it through the forest if you have to. Just wear long sleeves, thick pants and good boots.

Life is for the living.

Dont spend each day as if you were already dead. Live in the moment. The past is the past, forgive your mistakes and move on as quickly as possible to the enlightenment that comes from hard lessons learned.

Celebrate the bad and the good. Heartache and disappointments teach us so much about ourselves and others and prepares us for greater glory.

This year, like every other, will be what you make it.

Spend time doing what you love and being grateful for the smal mercies, and when you get overwhelmed, scream or holler if you feel like.

"Laugh all of your laughter and weep all of your tears."

You are blessed and highly favoured... damn well act like it!

Happy New Year!!!!