Unbridled Spirit

I have some red ants in my pants.

For over 10 years I have felt the need to travel (for exploration) as innate as the spinster's pre-menopausal maternal pangs .

For many reasons, (including money), I have postponed this sojourn repeatedly. I could have lived in Japan, and travelled the far east but I turned it down for "stability." I also could have lived in Trinidad but yet again, I turned it down. I guess the stone that has been rolling all her life gets a little frustrated with not having acquired any moss.

I cannot even go for a late night walk in Jamaica. Yesterday I really wanted to drive up to the Blue Mountains alone but feared that it may not be the wisest thing since I was not familiar in (as opposed to "with") the area. Mi just tired of how violent this country has come and I am tired of looking over my shoulder. I feel like a walking bundle of paranoia, and it just not right. Mi sure know seh Paul Bogle and Sam Sharpe a turn in dem grave fi all of the senseless killing that tekking place.

Its not even as though we are from biological tribes with motives for factions...di eediat dem name demself off warring territories and tek up a fight that they have no reason for- except boredom and unemployment.

Pork barrel politics feed laziness and hand stretching , and decades later, everytime you reach a stoplight, 3 children begging you money and there are at least 20 young men who feel entitled to your possessions, and the right to make a duppy out of you.

Having taken these last two years to really focus on staying in the same place and keeping the same home number for longer than a few months, what have I got? I feel as though my world has gotten increasingly smaller and its closing in on me.

I just feel the strong desire to travel with my camera, laptop and journal. I know I need to live outside Jamaica.... this "small island" perspective is a very close-minded way of viewing reality.

I am planning on going to Europe next year. I am saving for the cameral and the travel expenses in the mean time.

I am also re-thinking film school. Why not just really seize the day? There are so many things that are unchangeable... and maybe I have simply picked the wrong battles.